The Pine Valley Bulletin

Welcome to Pine Valley's only online newspaper!

Established 1998

September 20, 2001

Orgasms, armpit purses, and nepots.

How's that for a title? Maybe I should use that as the title of my first book.

After so much heartache from the recent events in this country, I'm going to try my little attempt at levity. I've got good mood music in the cd player... "Tom Jones Greatest Hits" (can you honestly tell me you don't get a smile when you hear Tom belt out "It's Not Unusual"? And what about his amazing rendition of the Prince classic "Kiss" with the fabulous Art of Noise. It's truly incredible), "If I Were A Carpenter" the Carpenters tribute album (ahh there is just something about Shonen Knife singing "Top of the World" that brings a smile to my face), They Might Be Giants album "Flood" (they are just so fun and upbeat) and my personal fave, Redd Kross "Show World" (nothing beats Redd Kross to beat the blues).

I'm going on memory here, so bear with me. I must first discuss Laura getting her panties all in a twitter because of the incredible sex she got in the front seat of her car. Yes Leo proved that he is da man and delivered the goods. I have honestly never seen an orgasm last as long as Laura's has though. What a clueless wretch she is. First she eavesdrops (come on, what would AMC be without eavesdroppers?) on a conversation between Leo and Greenlee which she she only heard half of, and believes Leo and Greenlee are making fun of her. Um, honey...they are. Leo tries to cover it for everyone's sake, but he was having fun. The only fun he's had since he married transplant woman. Leo smoothes things over with Laura, but is so hot and bothered by his banter with Greenlee that he stops the car and pounces on Laura. Now, Laura has never been more in love and her orgasm lingers for days and days. We should all be so lucky.

In her afterglow the next day, her giddy behavior is a dead giveaway for Brooke to know things are going well. Yeah, I love talking to my mom about orgasms, it brings us so close together. Please. I swear it was like watching a douche commercial. I was waiting for Laura to ask her mother if she has ever felt the earth move!

Later in the day, still reeling from her own pleasure, Laura calls up her forgotten friend Bianca. Why? Because she wants to talk about the stud that is Leo and how he pleasures her greatly and how she realizes now why Greenlee can't let go. Have you ever seen someone more in heat than Laura? Geez girl, take a cold shower already. As she gloats, she hints around to Bianca that she should let it slip to Greenlee that she and Leo are blissfully happy. Bianca, of course, is taken aback and I can't figure out how she factors into Laura's orgasm. She tells Laura exactly what she thinks of her stupid plan and goes on to tell Laura how selfish she is. This was one tremendous scene. Binks let her have it with both barrels! She told Laura that Laura loved it when she knew Bianca was attracted to her. She told her that she needs everyone to love her and has no idea how to love someone back. She then tells her that she has moved on and slams the door on the way out, leaving Laura looking even more dumbfounded than usual. This was such an awesome scene. Would it be too much to give it three awards? SCENE OF THE WEEK. SUPER DUPER SKANK SLAP for Laura. And PERFORMER OF THE WEEK for Bianca.

Laura goes on to prove herself worthy of the SUPER DUPER SKANK SLAP when, after Bianca leaves, she calls Leo to pout. Leo, thinking she was sick, races home to her aid only to find her pouting over her fight with Bianca. Enraged, Leo finally tells the bitch off. He tells her that he is not her kept boy and he has a job to do. He is so mad at her. He goes on and on and tells her that she has to have her own life apart from him and even goes so far to tell her that for all the living she's doing, she might as well be dead. Does it make me a terrible person to say that I cheered when he said this?

Can someone please explain to me why all the women in Pine Valley carry around these purses with itty bitty short straps that make the purse actually lie in their armpit when they carry them? I think it looks extremely odd. I've noticed Erica has had them for a quite awhile, but now so do Greenlee, Mia and probably others. Weird.

I'm sure it hasn't gone unnoticed that everything but fidelity occurs on the SS Fidelity, Ryan's yacht, or Adam's yacht. Whatever. I was just thinking that that is probably the best boat name since the aptly named boat of Tony Soprano's, The Stugotz.

This weeks LINE OF THE WEEK comes from Leo, who, after realizing he made a mistake on the ads that were supposed to appear in Tempo for Enchantment and also realized that Brooke wasn't going to reprimand him declares, "I just made a huge mistake, and you're acting like I made a little typo. What do they call that kind of special treatment -- nepotism? I'll tell you what. I have been called a lot of things in my lifetime, but I have never been called a nepot." Oh did I laugh!!

In a definite CONTRIVED MOMENT OF THE WEEK we had Anna sneak into David's room (a new room I might add, it looked different to me, a little bigger) to return a book. Let's get this straight OK... she returned a medical book that supposedly Gabriel borrowed. Can someone help me out here? Gabriel, who fixed the espresso machine at SOS because he memorized pictures in manuals is now reading medical books? First he read the bible to Rosa, and now medical books. I'm so confused. When did this boy, who grew up in a cage with no parents and no schooling, learn how to read something as sophisticated as medical books, when he couldn't even read an instruction manual a few months ago. The inconsistencies on AMC are just mind boggling. But anyway, what was so contrived was that this was the only way they could get David and Anna together? She breaks into his room under the bizarre pretense of returning this book that we have no idea how they got in the first place, then while she's there she picks up and smells David's shirt? Wait, it gets better. He comes back, she hides while he goes to shower and then as she's sneaking out, he finds her and approaches her, naked. The scene was extremely strange and ill conceived. I'm still scratching my head. Their conversation was even stranger. Unlike the sexy and fun banter of Chris and Erica... yep, I am enjoying them, David and Anna seemed forced. David coming out of that bathroom naked and approaching Anna was like a scene out of some bad porno flick and their conversation didn't help dispel that comparison. Ick.

Well... that's about all for today kids. I hope you enjoyed this as much as I enjoyed the diversion.