The Pine Valley Bulletin

Welcome to Pine Valley's only online newspaper!

Established 1998


September 11, 2000

I'm back! Well for this week anyway. Thanks to all the nice people who wrote to me while I was feeling under the weather. That was so nice :)

There was so much to talk about last week and I totally missed the boat by being sick. Oh well, life gets in the way sometimes. But I have to say one thing, the reunion between Dimitri and Alex was incredible and gets an honorary SCENE OF THE WEEK. The way Alex slowly approached Dimitri, reaching out to touch him trying to figure out if he was real. The way they both wept with joy at seeing each other. Making love after being apart so long. The whole thing was incredible. It would have been really hilarious though if they had put a little bubble above Alex's head that said "Edmund who?" while she and Dimitri were making love.

OK, I'm going to try and not say too much about the week I missed. If I start talking about it too much, this will end up being a two week Editorial and I know I don't have the time to write twice as much, and you all probably don't have time to read twice as much! So let's get on with last week.

Ryan, Gillian and MyAdrian arrived in Chechnya to find Jake and bring him home. MyAdrian went off to find a chopper pilot that will fly the children that Jake rescued to safety, while Ryan and Gillian tried to find Jake. They came upon a blown out hospital and Ryan wanted to leave Gillian there while he went in search of Jake, but Gillian was having none of that. She got right to work helping the wounded. That candy-striper training sure has come in handy!

Ryan and Gillian are doing the best they can for the injured when all of a sudden word comes that the doctor is back. Yep, you guessed it, it's Jake. Jake looking a bit older and bit more haggard, but hey he's in a war zone! When he sees Gillian he goes to her, embraces her and kisses her like he's the ideal husband who misses his wife so. I guess I'll cut him an ounce of slack here since it's not everyday your wife comes looking for you during a war and he was happy to see her. Still, it kind of irked me in a way. Now that I think about, this whole thing is just plain old dumb. Let's recap: Jake loses Colby. Jake finds out that Liza, David, Tad, and Gillian all knew that he was not the father. Jake could care less about David, and I'm not sure if he has forgiven Liza but I think he has. Jake forgives Tad and bids farewell to his family. Jake cannot forgive Gillian and leaves town to go to CA, then to Chechnya without telling her. Jake never phones or writes to Gillian without going through his father first. Tad, MyAdrian and just about everyone else (except Ryan), including Gillian herself, blame Gillian for everything that Jake has done. So why does Jake deserve to be told in person that Gillian is divorcing him? The guy abandoned her. She should have had MyAdrian deliver him the old blue backed divorce papers to him when he went back to Chechnya to get him to come home. He doesn't deserve the consideration of breaking up with him in person when he didn't have the consideration to tell her he was leaving. Can someone put some responsibility for Jake's actions on Jake please?

Anyway, Gillian is moved by all the good work that Jake is doing to save the children. As he comforts a special child he's grown close to, Paulina, Gillian and Ryan watch in awe. Jake isn't too concerned about Ryan being there, in fact he's glad he's there to help. Ryan starts to realize that telling Jake that he and Gillian are in love is not going to be so cut and dry. Gee no kidding!? Very short sighted on Gilly and Ryan's part. Did they just think they would fly to this war torn country, find Jake, tell him they are in love and say good bye? Did anyone stop to consider that it's a WAR!? Jake wasn't sitting at a desk writing out prescriptions and wondering which nurse to take out to dinner. He's treated wounded in horrible and unsanitary conditions. Why is everyone involved in this so damn stupid? I know I know... I'm contradicting myself here. First Jake doesn't deserve the courtesy of being told Gillian is leaving him to his face, now I'm saying they can't just waltz into this war zone and tell him that. So let's leave it at this, he doesn't deserve being told to his face so they should have just stayed home. There is too much guilt involved after seeing all the good work he is doing.

MyAdrian finally arrives with news of the chopper that will be coming to pick up the kids and that they have to hurry. But the bad news is that the chopper can't take Ryan, Gillian and Jake too so another will be coming for them. MyAdrian tells them that there are snipers all over the area and that there is no guarantee that they will all make it out alive. As MyAdrian tries to usher everyone out of the building, he seizes one more opportunity to be a jerk to Gilly by telling her that he hopes she can wait a little while before breaking his heart. Urgh. Through all the mayhem, Ryan pulls Gilly aside and tells her that they cannot tell Jake about their relationship until they are safe. Gilly agrees and helps load the kids up. All the while Jake keeps saying he has no idea why they are there, but he's so glad they came. For a doctor, sometimes that Jake is not too bright. Here his wife arrives in Chechnya with her former husband, who Jake was suspicious about before he left. But he has no idea why they are there and MyAdrian's hostility doesn't seem to give him a clue either. We can blame his lack of perception on the war, this time.

MyAdrian just gets finished getting all the children out when a sniper comes into the building and points his gun in the general vicinity of Ryan, Jake and Gillian. As Ryan dives on top of Gillian to protect her, Jake is shot in the back. Ryan gets up and starts firing at the sniper, but the damage is done. Jake is wounded. Oh the guilt. What if he doesn't recover? How can Gillian leave him now? Oh the humanity! *yawn* Did anyone not see this coming a mile away!? You didn't really think that Ryan and Gillian were going to live happily ever after after going to a war zone to tell Jake they were back together now did you? Of course not! So off they all go to a hospital in Germany where Jake, who is still unconscious, can be treated. Guess what, he can't feel his legs. Ahh the old paralysis ploy. When he regains consciousness he begins to instruct Ryan on what to do while Gillian tells him stories about home and about Colby to keep his mind off the pain, or the lack of it I should say. Yeah those Colby stories should really ease Jake's pain. Whatever.

After the big dance contest that Becca and Leo won, Tramplee got totally hammered at SOS and toasted to the happy couple while falling off the bar. So let's get on to Tramplee's dilemma. She's uh, borrowed $3 million from the king of smarm, Wade Randall so she could keep Ryan out of jail and be his hero again. Well yadda, yadda, yadda, she found out that Ryan's been sneaking around with Gillian all along, she goes postal with Leo and destroys the loft and all the equipment. Leo then tends to her all night while she slept it off. This did not sit well with the chaste Ms. Tyree. You see, once Leo started dating Pine Valley's answer to Brittany Spears, Leo was supposed to dump all his friends and spend every waking, and unwaking moment with her. This paragon of virtue and values suddenly wanted Leo to run out on his friends when they need him most so he ruffle her hair and tell her how beautiful she is. Oh if I didn't have to slap Liza this week, Becca would definitely get it. What a double standard. So what does she do? She dumps Leo because he has a friend that she doesn't like. Becca, who has been trying to act like the queen of maturity, who can handle an adult relationship just proved that she's way too young for a worldly guy like Leo.

Tramplee and Leo try to come up with a plan to buy her some time with Mr. Smarmy, Wade Randall. It seems old Smarmy wants Tramplee to get him in good with Woody, but Tramplee is not into that at all. Woody cannot know anything about this. Luckily Woody has a little attack of angina and Tramplee can use the health excuse to keep Smarmy at bay for a few days. In the meantime, Leo decides that the best way to get Smarmy out of the Woody mind frame is to dangle someone else in front of his nose... Palmer Cortlandt. Smarmy is all for meeting up with the wealthy Mrs. Cortlandt, but what they didn't bargain on was that Mr. Smarmy is no dummy. How many times have we heard recently that the whole town knows that Nessie has been cut off by Palmer? Now she's playing it like she's in charge of all Palmer's finances. Well they don't think about this at all, and set the plan in motion, having Nessie meet with Mr. Smarmy and get a business deal going. By the way, Nessie is doing all this because she wants to get back in Leo's life and this might just be the way to do it.

Nessie ends up arriving very late for her meeting with Mr. Smarmy, but I'll get to that a little later. Wade left a message with the bartender to serve her whatever she wants and he'd be back. So the stage is set. Wade comes back and they begin to talk business. Leo interrupts the meeting to voice his concern that Nessie is doing business with a snake like Mr. Smarmy. The plan is working out perfectly as Nessie sends Leo on his way and sets up another meeting with Smarmy. After he leaves, Tramplee and Leo toast to their success and Leo takes off. Out of nowhere, Mr. Smarmy appears and grabs Tramplee by the arm and tells her he heard them talking about their scheme and he is pretty ticked.

In a total state of panic, Tramplee seeks out Leo at Erica's. She's really losing it and tells him that Mr. Smarmy is on to them and is going to rub her out, or worse, tell her Grandfather what happened. Tramplee tells Leo that she'll die if anything happens to him and that she loves him. Leo is slightly taken aback, but doesn't seem to believe this declaration of love in the midst of her panic. Just then Tramplee and Leo dive to the floor when they hear what they think are shots. Turns out it was only Erica's gardener's truck backfiring. Duh. After they are calm, Leo taunts Tramplee with her declaration of love, but then tells him that he did it to, on the island. Leo changes the subject by telling Tramplee that they have to get the police involved but Tramplee says no way. In a really dopey move that even the stupidest person could have figured out, Leo sends Tramplee up to his room to rest and then he calls Derek. Then he calls Bianca at the Valley Inn and tells her to keep Erica away as long as possible. So Bianca decides that she and Erica need a big hot fudge sundae and then the poor girl is forced to make small talk with Hayley and Mateo *shudder* When she got up to use the ladies room I had to wonder if she was having a bulimia relapse, or if she just got sick from talking to Hayley and Mateo. It could have gone either way.

As an aside, once Bianca was away from the table, Erica told Hayley and Mateo that she got O-Town to play at Bianca's party and that during the party, Ashley Angel will ask her to dance, putting them in the spotlight. Not only is that the stupidest idea I have ever heard, pressuring a kid who already has lousy self esteem, but what the hell kind of name is Ashley Angel!?

Derek arrives and tries to get Tramplee to talk and tell him what Mr. Smarmy has on her, but Tramplee is not cooperating. Derek tells her that for her own good, she should tell him what is going on. But she won't so Derek leaves. Leo is not too happy about this but decides he will protect Tramplee himself. Just then, Erica and Bianca come home so Tramplee hides. Erica knows Tramplee is there and goes about insulting her to Leo while Tramplee listens. Once Erica finally leaves the room, Leo begs Bianca to help him hide Tramplee out for a few days. And getting back at Tramplee for the anorexia crack from earlier that day, she tells Leo to hide her out in the laundry room. Not exactly the deluxe accommodations that Tramplee is used to.

Arlene has decided that she has to help Adam bring down the Colmar Tower so that he will love her, so she gives Frank the Contractor a call and starts to schmooze him. She hangs up abruptly when Adam enters the room. Arlene who is really not stupid but is more in denial about things, realizes that Adam still has feelings for Liza but he denies it. Arlene turns on Operation Seduction #4,984, and for the 4,984th time, Adam rejects her and leaves. Mr. Diva thinks Adam is a damn fool!

Well this brings us to why Nessie was late for her meeting with Wade. She shows up at Adam's and tries to squeeze Arlene for more dough. Arlene gives her the money she has in her purse, but that is chump change compared to the amount of cash that Nessie is demanding. And if things weren't bad enough for Arlene, when she goes to answer the knock on the door, she finds Stuart there! Stuart immediately recognizes Arlene as Annie Oakley from the cafe in Nevada. Nessie hides and listens in to everything. Stuart walks around the entrance to Adam's house and tells Arlene that he feels like he's home.

Arlene is very confused as to how Stuart ended up not only in Pine Valley, but at the house and Stuart goes on to explain how he found the fishing vest in Idaho with the name Pine Valley Outfitters on the back and thought it sounded familiar so he decided to find Pine Valley. Then he found a receipt in the pocket with the name Adam Chandler on it. It started to make some sense to Stuart because he had been thinking about someone named Adam and he found a phone number in the trailer with the name Adam on it. Arlene is going into a full fledged panic now and tries to stall Stuart while she goes to Nessie, who is hiding, for help. Nessie decides to double her demand, which is the least of Arlene's worries at the moment. Suddenly something that Arlene says gives Stuart a flashback to the accident and he realizes that Annie Oakley is the woman that mowed him down. All the while Nessie is listening in and getting all kinds of ammo against Arlene. You could almost see the dollar signs go cha-ching in Nessie's eyes. Arlene tells Stuart that there is someone in the house who could tell him all about his past and leads him up to the attic, then locks him in.

Backing up to Marian's latest visit with Faux Frederick III. It seems that FF III can't get in contact with Stuart on the other side and Marian finally starts to believe that Stuart may actually be alive. While she and Scott are talking about it, Liza walks in and is very upset that Marian is buying into this psychic mumbo jumbo. They try to explain to hear all the things that are pointing to Stuart not being dead when Liza reminds them that his body was found. Marian counters with "a" body was found but it was never proven to be Stuart's. Liza tells her that Stuart is dead and that she has to learn how to accept it. But Marian has other ideas and decides to go to Adam's and look in the attic for something that belonged to Stuart so FF III can have something of Stuart's that he might be able to get vibes off of.

While she's rummaging around, she suddenly sees Stuart there and thinks he's Adam. But suddenly Stuart looks at Marian, says he knows who she is... she's the Queen of Hearts. Marian goes into shock and realizes that it's really Stuart and races over to him to embrace him. Stuart isn't so sure about what is happening yet, but he knows that holding Marian feels really good. This weeks SCENE OF THE WEEK continues when Stuart tells her that holding her feels so much better than holding his wife ever did. Marian tells him that she is his wife. Stuart doesn't remember marrying Marian, he only remembers that his wife is Esther. Marian is shocked that Esther would do such a thing as keep Stuart from his family but Stuart explains how good she was too him and how she took care of him. As they begin to compare notes on the past few months, Stuart tells Marian that he saw her face everywhere and that he even painted her picture, while Marian tells Stuart about their wedding. Stuart is shocked when she tells him that he has a son, Scott and a brother, Adam. Suddenly Stuart gets a surge of memories as he calls Marian by her name. Finding love once again, Stuart and Marian make love. Stuart tells her that he never loved Esther and she knew it. Marian starts to tell Stuart about Adam's downfall and how he married Arlene. They put together that Arlene knew he was alive and was responsible for his injury in the first place and decide they have to go to Adam and tell him everything. But they discover they are locked in for the night.

Arlene admits to Nessie that she did hit Stuart while she was drunk driving. Nessie has so much information on Arlene now that she's going to get a boatload of cash from Arlene, except that Arlene doesn't have boatload's of cash. So Arlene gives her a very expensive piece of art from the house, one of those Fabrege eggs. Arlene told her it was worth at least $100,000. Nessie happily takes it, while Winifred walks in and sees the whole thing with that snarky little Winnie look on her face. Arlene decides to send Winnie and the never seen Lucretia on a vacation so they don't discover Stuart in the attic.

Arlene then goes to work at Operation Seduction #4,985. And for the 4,985th time, Adam rejects her. But suddenly Adam starts to hear all kinds of noises coming from the attic and needs to know what it is. Arlene tries to pass it off as squirrels and how she'll call the exterminator in the morning but Adam wants to go take a look immediately, causing Arlene to incoherently blurt out, "Tad and Liza in NYC!" That grabbed Adam's attention away from the Marian and Stuart squirrels in the attic. Off they go, immediately to NYC.

At the Valley Inn, David tells Dixie that he is going to NYC as a last minute sub at a medical conference and Dixie decides she should go to so she could surprise Tad. Poor David, he was thinking his fantasy might become reality until the "T" word was mentioned.

Arlene and Adam get the room that is adjoined to Liza's room and Adam tries to listen in at the door. Liza had no idea that Adam and Arlene are there until the concierge spills the news. Liza starts to make some stupid plans, while Tad decides he's going to go home since the meeting they went there for was canceled, thanks to Arlene and Frank the Contractor.

Arlene is setting the stage for Operation Seduction #4,986 and gets all kinds of goodies sent up to her and Adam's room. He'd much rather listen to what is going on in Liza's room though. Tad has left the room to see if he can get theater tickets since they aren't going back to Pine Valley and Liza, in what has to be one of the stupidest and immature moves I have seen since Becca dumped Leo, starts to make noises like she and Tad are having a boink fest. She's moaning, groaning and pounding the headboard into the wall while yelling out Tad's name. Liza gets this weeks DIXIE COONEY MARTIN COMMEMORATIVE SLAP award for being so stupid and short sighted. First of all, she's insane to have to want Adam after all he has done to her and puts her right in the same category as Hayley, who keeps going back for more abuse. Second, is she so short sighted as to not take into consideration that Adam will go straight to Dixie with what he heard? I hate when they make Liza this selfish and unthinking. She's supposed to be smart. Well this whole thing was anything but smart. The only good thing about it was Tad walking in and seeing her writhing around on the bed yelling out his name. Tad gave this weeks LINE OF THE WEEK when he said to her, "Was it as good for you as it was for you?"

So as Operation Seduction #4,986 continues, Arlene makes the dreaded mistake of saying that Liza loves Tad now and he should accept it. Adam grabs Arlene by the neck and starts to choke her, saying Liza loves only him. Hey all he needed was a bottle of scotch to pour down her throat and we would have had a replay of one of my all time favorite scenes when Alec McIntyre tried to kill her. Adam does catch himself before he actually does kill Arlene and runs out of the room when he realizes what he almost did. Operation Seduction #4,986 is another dismal failure for Arlene.

Ta da! Once out in the hall who does Adam see, Dixie of course. He tells her to check out Liza's room for a little deja vu action. Dixie walks into the conveniently unlocked hotel room just in time to hear Tad reprimanding Liza, although to her it doesn't sound like a reprimand as Tad says, "you wanted Adam to hear us making love." Dixie freaks out, no one saw her, no one heard her. And she runs straight into David's arms. How convenient. David comforts Dixie who is hyperventilating and telling David that Tad is cheating on her again. Dixie wants to confront them, but David tries to calm her down and stop her.

In the meantime, Tad is pissed at Liza for using him and making him part of her sick little plot to make Adam jealous. At first Liza denies that she was doing that, but come on honey, you haven't got a leg to stand on! Tad is flabbergasted that she could actually still love Adam. Of course Liza denies it, but Tad knows she's actually in denial and calls her pathetic. Thank you Tad! That is exactly what she is. Pathetic! Liza tries to tell Tad that she hates Adam, but Tad tells her to just admit it already. Liza then breaks down and admits she is in love with Adam. Oh man, another strong woman brought down to pathetic wretch. Sometimes I just hate the way things go on this show. Why do all the strong women have to be in love with controlling bastards? Ugh.

So Dixie finally gets past David and goes to confront Tad and Liza. When she walks back into the unlocked hotel room she finds Tad and Liza embracing and immediately thinks the worst. But actually what is happening is that Tad is comforting Liza who has just come to grips with her own weakness. Liza tries to explain, but Dixie doesn't want to hear any of it. David ushers Liza out so that Tad and Dixie can talk. Liza tells David that nothing happened and he informs her that Adam sure thinks something did. This puts a gleam in Liza's eye, which pretty much proves that she's learned nothing from all this nonsense and will continue with her childish ways.

Tad has lots of 'splaining to do to Dixie and starts out by promising her that nothing happened and he would never hurt her that way again. Dixie isn't convinced, she knows what she saw and it did look bad, but Tad goes on to explain everything and how he found Liza in the room making noises like they were in boink city. Dixie can't believe it and asks why Liza would do such a thing. Here's the clincher, Tad tells Dixie that Liza is still in love with Adam. It took a little more convincing but to her credit, Dixie finally did believe Tad and they made up. Then she went and told David that she and Tad were going to stay the night, shattering David's hopes of catching Dixie on the rebound.

Isn't it funny how neither Tad nor Liza ever give even a passing thought to all the problems they are having with Colmar to Adam being behind it? I find that extremely odd.

The rest of this Editorial is about smaller scenes that happened this week. One of the ones I liked the best was Junior and Scott meeting up in the park and talking about their dads. Junior is feeling like Adam is gone too and tells Scott that he knows it's not the same as Stuart being gone, but lately Adam is not there at all and he misses him. It was a really nice, real scene played out between these two cousins. You know, I just have to love any scene that Junior is in. That kid can act and I'm going to give him the PERFORMER OF THE WEEK award, even though his scene was small. It was that good.

Bratty Erica is telling Myrtle that Barbara is the cause of all of Bianca's problems. Why can't Erica just grow up and accept responsibility for some of it? This scene shifts though when Bianca and Erica have a real heart to heart talk over dinner. Bianca tells Erica that she is never real with her and she should be honest. She knows that Erica is putting on a brave front where David is concerned and why can't she just admit it. Realizing her little girl isn't such a little girl anymore an can handle the truth, Erica admits that she did use the party as a distraction to get over David. She even goes so far as to say she'll cancel it, but Bianca tells her she doesn't have to. OK Bianca, that was your out! Erica was willing to cancel the party and you said no. I don't want to hear one more bitch about this party then! Bianca confides to Erica that she is nervous about people watching her and seeing if she does or doesn't eat. Erica tries to reassure her that everything will be fine and no uninvited guests will be there.

Opal met with Scott to talk about FF III and trying to reach Stuart. She can tell that he's not a believer. She tells that so much of Stuart lives on in him and feels that sons do live in their fathers. Gee, I wonder if she feels that Ray lives on in Tad.

There were lots of references lately to Nessie's acting days and that once again leads me to my original theory from way back that Eric Kane will end up being Leo's father. There are just a few problems with this theory though. While it makes sense from a standpoint that he was Nessie's director and she had an affair with him and it might even explain why he hates Erica so much. Sort of hating Eric via Erica. Whatever. Anyway, the timing is way off. Leo would have to be older than David because Nessie was an actresses before she married David's father. But who's to say they didn't meet up again later and have an affair that produced Leo.

Also I keep hearing more and more about Bianca being a lesbian. Again I have to say I think this is not going to happen. I think it would be great. I think the stories it would produce would be so interesting and compelling for all involved. But I don't think AMC has the guts to make such an important character as Bianca a lesbian because they always end up chickening out and not doing these characters justice. Bianca is too important to let fade away.

Frank finds Arlene at the Valley Inn and wants to collect on his "payment" for sabotaging the progress of Colmar Tower. She promises him he will get paid and then flashes him. Hayley and Mateo see that go down, or would that be go up? Either way, Hayley vows to get to the bottom of the Arlene and Frank affiliation.

Devastated by Liza's supposed affair with Tad, Adam takes matters into his own hands and goes to the Colmar Tower site. He morphs into Janet from Another Planet and takes a crowbar to anything and everything, including the electrical panel that begins to spark and sputter. I suspect Mr. Chandler will regret that action.

One final comment, Hayley was dangerously close to slap city as she started to lecture Tramplee about AA after she got drunk once. Just because Hayley decided she was an alcoholic after getting drunk once, doesn't mean everyone is that lame. Sheesh Hayley, who died and made you Bill W!

This weeks AMC gets a C+, Stuart and Marian finally being reunited brought that grade up from a D.