October 5, 2000
I'm just too excited!! I have to talk about Arlene first. After dragging Arlene up to the attic last week, Liza and Marian played like they were a couple little witches and left her a box of rat poison so she'd think they put it in her soup. Arlene wasn't falling for it and called their bluff, eating the soup. What happens next is that Liza and Marian leave Arlene in the attic and Arlene gets a bad case of the hurls. The next morning when Liza and Marian go to bring Arlene out of the attic, she looks like a rung out dishrag and is feeling very sick to her stomach. Marian starts to panic, thinking that maybe Liza actually did poison Arlene. Of course Liza hadn't, but to make sure that Arlene is OK, they decide to take her to the ER. Once they drop her off with a doctor who isn't Jake, David or Joe, they see Adam, who has made a miraculous recovery, and is being released. I seem to recall the doctors saying that Adam had serious head trauma when they brought him in. I guess it was the 24 hour kind of serious head trauma. For some unknown reason, Mateo is with him.
Adam questions Liza and Marian about what they have done to Arlene, but they deny doing anything other than locking her in the attic, which both Adam and Mateo found very amusing. After there are a few tests done on Arlene, Dr. NewGuy sends her home and says he will call her with the results. This is where Mateo offers to take her home. Seems Arlene doesn't know that her hubby is being released and plans on staying at the hospital with him. Mateo tells her she is not needed there and drags her out of the hospital and back to Chandler Mansion, where they are met by Hayley. Hayley picks up where Mateo left off and tries to talk Arlene into leaving town and starting over. Adam is giving her a pretty big chunk of change ($500,000.) and she could do anything at all. Arlene isn't exactly keen on the idea of giving up being Mrs. Adam Chandler, but Hayley tells her how proud she is of her for bringing Stuart to Adam and saving his life. She did the right thing and now it's time for her to go. Arlene reluctantly agrees and Hayley goes to pack her bags. Flash to Mateo and Hayley bidding Arlene farewell as Arlene gets set to walk out of their lives forever. Saved by the bell! The phone rings and it's Dr. NewGuy with good news for Arlene, she wasn't poisoned, she's pregnant!
What a stroke of genius this is... Arlene pregnant. I'm not one who advocates babies on soaps, mainly because the storylines attached are boring and send the happy couple on a bullet train to Dullsville. But this.. oh this could be anything but boring if AMC plays their cards right. I'll get back to this in a few minutes.
At the hospital Adam and Liza are planning their reunion of love. Adam promises that he's changed, again. Liza believes him, again, but tells him if they are going to live in co-dependent bliss, they will have to take it slow. They start out by making a dinner date with each other and Colby. Adam rushes home, thinking Arlene is long gone on a cab to Anywhere-elseville but his bubble is soon burst by Winnie who tells him that Arlene has never left and that she's been up in her room singing all afternoon. Just then Arlene saunters down the stairs in that very sauntery Arlene way, wearing one of Adam's dress shirts. He's not too happy about that but she says she is just trying it on for size so she can wear it when she starts to show. Adam totally ignores that comment and tells her she can keep it for all he cares. Then she drops the bomb, and this weeks LINE OF THE WEEK when she says, "Congratulations, Adam. You're going to be a papa again." Of course Adam doesn't believe her so she tells him she can prove it and calls in Winnie to go buy her a home pregnancy test. Once she returns, Winnie goes into the bathroom with Arlene to make sure she doesn't pull any tricks and does the test right. We wouldn't want Arlene to pull the old Taylor Roxbury-Cannon move and stick the old used pregnancy test into the bottle of mouthwash now would we, EW! Winnie deserves a big bonus for this one!
When they come back, Winnie tells him that she never left Arlene's sight and that the test was accurate. And ta da! It's positive. Next denial, Adam tells Arlene that it's not his. But she offers to take a DNA test. Adam's getting a little hot under the collar and blows it all off so he can go primp for his date with Liza. For some reason, Hayley shows back up at Adam's and can't believe the news she's hearing... Arlene, her mother, pregnant. Adam shows absolutely no mercy, no sympathy whatsoever and tells Arlene to pack up and get out. This is where Hayley intervenes. You see, Hayley knows all too well what it's like to grow up not knowing that your father is Adam Chandler and tells Adam he has a responsibility to that child and they have to make sure that Arlene takes care of herself during the pregnancy. Adam asks Arlene if she will stop drinking while she's pregnant. Arlene answers him so honestly that it's really quite sad. She says she doesn't know, but hopes she can. So reluctantly, Adam agrees to let Arlene stay so that they can help her through the pregnancy.
While all this is going on, Adam had called Liza to change the plans for their date and she grew suspicious and arrived at the Adam's. Arlene tries to taunt her a bit, but Liza isn't biting and Adam sends Arlene away. Adam tells Liza he wants to start over right now and not waste any more time. For some odd reason, Adam and Liza start to make out like bandits and practically rip off each others clothes right there on the sofa. So much for taking it slow Liza. Anyway, Arlene comes back into the room and drops her bombshell on Liza, who of course, doesn't believe it. Adam confirms that Arlene is telling the truth and Liza is suddenly no longer horny and leaves in a huff.
Over at SOS, Hayley is lamenting the fact that she's doing all the right things and can't get pregnant but her mother who doesn't take care of herself at all, is. Eat a sandwich Hayley, it might do you some good. Anyway, Mateo proposes that they... meaning he and Hayley, adopt Arlene's baby and after a few words of convincing. Hayley agrees. I don't think I've ever heard a worse idea. Oh wait, I take that back. Making Eliot really Josh was a worse idea.
Now, let's go back to my joy and rapture at the thought of Arlene having a baby. I stress that I mean ARLENE having a baby. ARLENE taking care of a baby. ARLENE being the mom. NOT HAYLEY. Let's leave Hayley completely out of this. There is no way in hell I'd get behind Hayley and Mateo adopting the baby for so many reasons, not the least of which is that I wouldn't wish Hayley and Mateo as parents on my worst enemy. But let's discuss some possibilities for this baby. There are so many things that can be done. AMC, pay attention, I'm going to give you some good ideas now and I don't mind if you take them. Well ... you could throw a few bucks my way if you end up liking any of my ideas since I just lost my job. Anyway... first off, NO MISCARRIAGE! Let's let Arlene go through this whole pregnancy. Miscarriage is such a typical AMC cop out. It's sickening already. OK... next up, we have the obvious choice, the child will be born with fetal alcohol syndrome. With Arlene as the baby's mother, that is a given. That could be interesting and I would like to see how Arlene, NOT Hayley, handles it. But let's say everyone watches Arlene like a hawk so she doesn't drink during her pregnancy. I know a disease that has Arlene written all over it. It's called Munchausen Syndrome By Proxy. Are you taking notes AMC... this is perfect! MSBP is a mental illness where a person, usually the mother of a child, does things to the child to make it ill in order to gain sympathy and attention from others. Oh man, this is Arlene! All you have to do is extend her contract. I can see this happening. I can see it so clearly. It's so Arlene and Olivia Birkelund can pull it off perfectly! She could even win an Emmy... hell maybe I'll win an Emmy for coming up with the idea too! OK.. that's my plea to AMC.
J. Joey Jake Martin, Gillian (who will henceforth be known as Jellybean - listen to Jake's pronunciation of Gillian) and Joe return to Pine Valley. Dr. NewGuy #2 takes J.Joey Jake into an examining room to check him out while Jellybean waits in the waiting room. Just as an aside, this is all taking place in the ER. I guess it's so everyone can run into each other. Adam got released through the ER, J. Joey Jake is being examined in the ER. Arlene was brought into the ER.
Ryan, who is in the clink waiting for Jack to come and bail him out, instead gets a visit by MyAdrian. MyAdrian tells Ryan that Jack had to go to Seattle for his brother's funeral and then fills him in on Jack's plan to have Ryan go to a press conference that he had MyAdrian arrange. Jack thinks it would be in Ryan's best interest to let the press know that the money was used to save lives. So while MyAdrian is bailing out Ryan, Jellybean, who saw Ryan's picture in the paper and read he was arrested, rushes to the jail to see him while J. Joey Jake is still being examined. Jellybean, who's got the biggest guilt complex since ... well no one, I've never seen anyone with more guilt, blames herself for Ryan being in jail. Jellybean gets this weeks DIXIE COONEY MARTIN COMMEMORATIVE SLAP award for constantly saying stupid crap like, "but it's me, I did it, it's my fault." Ryan reassures Jellybean that it's not her fault he took the money from his company and tells her none of it matters anyway because as soon as he is out of jail, they will be together. Jellybean gives Ryan one of her dopey, "I haven't told him yet" looks which Ryan picks up on immediately. Ryan is definitely losing patience with Jellybean and I don't blame him one little bit. He risked everything for her and all she has to do is leave J. Joey Jake, the man who abandoned her. She owes him nothing! Anyway, MyAdrian comes back and sees that Jellybean is there and tells her to make herself scarce.
Back at the hospital, Tad sees Jellybean in the waiting room and realizes that she had gone somewhere while J. Joey Jake was being examined. He fires up the guilt factor by telling her that J. Joey Jake needs extra TLC right now. You know what Tad, shut up already. Why is J. Joey Jake not the bad guy here? Can someone explain that to me? Why is that no one, not even Jellybean, can see how horribly he treated his wife? I guess it's the old "we have to stick together" thing with the Martin's now matter how wrong they are. So Jellybean helps her husband walk out into the waiting area where they see Adam and Liza. Adam seizes his moment to apologize to J. Joey Jake for the whole Colby thing. But JJJ isn't ready to accept Adam's apology. Liza was impressed though. Man, she's really taken in by him isn't she?
Suddenly the press is there with a big microphone stand set up for JJJ to talk about what a hero he is. The press ask him to plant a big old kiss on his wife, which of course, is the moment that MyAdrian and Ryan walk in. The press questions them all about the mission and they talk about saving lives and how Ryan used the money from his company to bring JJJ home and save the children. OK, so now the press knows that he used the money for good, not evil. Tramplee and Leo watch from the sidelines, while Tramplee makes snide comments.
So the press wouldn't hear Tramplee's snippy little comments, Leo dragged her out of the ER and into a conveniently empty patient room. Leo turns on his very ample charm and tries to get Tramplee's mind off of Ryan and onto him by playing Dr. Dupres. He messages her temples and they start to make out. Oh yeah this is my SCENE OF THE WEEK because I sure would love to play doctor with Leo! As my mind wanders off into fantasyland, I'm suddenly brought back to reality when David walks in and totally ruins my, er, their mood. Spoil sport!
After the press conference, Ryan spots Tad and Liza and goes over to them to hit them up for the money. Liza pretty much laughs and walks away but Tad, the man who's brother Ryan saved by using that money, gives Ryan some major 'tude. Tad tells Ryan that he's fairly sure that he is having an affair with Jellybean and that he has some nerve asking him for money. Wow Tad, that's some gratitude. I'm really quite astounded by Tad. Where does he get off judging anyone who has had an affair, especially someone who risked everything to save his brother? Oh that Tad, he's really pissing me off lately. But I do like his gray hair. So anyway, when he and JJJ are alone, Tad tells him about Ryan's nerve in asking for the money back. But JJJ tells Tad to help him out by giving him the money, after all it was his money that brought him home and saved those children so it's the least they could do to thank him. Yeah Tad! Tad tries to tell him that Ryan had ulterior motives for going to Chechnya but JJJ doesn't want to hear about and tells him that he will fight for Jellybean if he has to.
At the Boathouse, Ryan and Jellybean meet to try and figure out what to do next. Well no, that's not exactly right. Ryan knows what Jellybean should do and he urges her to tell J. Joey Jake the truth. Jellybean is having such a hard time with it but Ryan tells her that the longer she waits, the worse it will be and the more he will be hurt by it. Oddly enough someone had come to the Boathouse and cleaned up every remaining shred of the romantic breakfast that Leo had laid out for Tramplee earlier that day. Too bad too, Ryan and Jellybean probably could have used a drink by this point. Jellybean tells Ryan she will tell JJJ that night then meet him at the turret.
So while Jellybean heads back to the Martin's with JJJ, Ryan heads over to the Valley Inn to find the Greenlee's. He starts to explain to them exactly what had happened when Tramplee spots them, interrupts and inadvertently incriminates herself. Tramplee makes the mistake of mentioning Wade Randall's name and Woody gets wise to it being Tramplee who has gotten involved with him, not Ryan. Millie is fit to be tied and cuts Tramplee off without a cent and tells her she is sending her back to her parents in San Diego. Now correct me if I'm wrong but isn't Tramplee over 21? Doesn't she work at WRCW? Doesn't she have a trust fund? Why would she have to anywhere she doesn't want to? Can someone explain that one to me? Anyway, it's just something else she can blame Ryan for, even though it wasn't his fault. She did it all herself. Ryan leaves and heads over to the turret, not realizing that Tramplee is following him.
At the Martin's, Jellybean helps JJJ get settled back into his room. JJJ tells her that he doesn't want to rush her into anything so she can stay in the guest room. Interesting... why would she stay there at all? Shouldn't she have gone home to Wildwind to let everyone know she is OK and to see Dimitri? Well that isn't happening. She is there and listening while JJJ tells her that he should have never left her, how he didn't think of her only himself. And while he is saying everything he should be saying, and everything that Jellybean should be agreeing with, she makes excuses for him. She lets him off the hook when he is giving her an out. Oh do I hate when AMC makes a woman who once had a strong will into a sniveling idiot. JJJ gives her another out when he asks her what she wants and tells her that he knows she still has feelings for Ryan. OK, NOW JELLYBEAN!!! Now's your chance. Tell him! Nope, she doesn't tell him. She goes down to the living room to think things through and accidentally finds a love letter J. Joey Jake wrote to her but never sent. Right there should have been another big clue for her, he never sent it. But while she's reading it, JJJ comes down and finishes it for her, reciting it by heart. Jellybean gives him one of her confused looks.
The discussion continues when JJJ tells Jellybean that he wants to make everything up to her. He tells her that she is not the reason he left and that her love and his family kept him alive while he was in Chechnya and that he wants to start over. Jellybean tells Jake that he never said goodbye to her and that she thought it was all her fault and she doesn't blame him for being angry with her. JJJ tells her that he never expected her to sit around and wait for him. They both thought the marriage was over. He seems to know about Ryan, but never comes right out and says so. But he'd have to be a complete moron not to know Ryan and Jellybean were involved. JJJ goes back to his room, leaving Jellybean alone in the living room. She breaks down at the guilt of having to hurt JJJ, when Joe happens by and sees her crying. Joe tells her that JJJ loves her and needs her now more than ever. Jellybean is taken aback and asks Joe what's going on. Joe was sure that she was crying because JJJ told her about his condition but he hadn't and Jellybean demands that Joe tell her. Finally, Joe tells her that J. Joey Jake's injury has left him limp as a wet noodle and no amount of viagra is going to help him get it up. Well.. Joe was a little more delicate than I. Then he pleads with Jellybean not to desert JJJ but to help him heal. Gee Joe, you sound like a pimp.
At the turret, Tramplee has followed Ryan and walks in while he's setting up the love nest for him and Jellybean. Tramplee is the last person that Ryan wants to see especially when she pulls a Glenn Close and says, "I will not be ignored!" Watch out Ryan, their might be a dead rabbit in your bed. Tramplee taunts Ryan with the fact that J. Joey Jake won't give up Jellybean without a fight and that Ryan doesn't stand a chance over the war hero. She tells him that he's going to get hurt. And with that, she jumps on her broom and flies out the turret window.
Tramplee lands at the Boathouse, where conveniently enough, Leo is. She tells Leo that she scared herself by following Ryan and that she now realizes she really is over him for good. Leo isn't so quick to believe her, but when she says she's out of his life too, he perks up. She tells him what happened and how her grandparents are sending her back to her parents. Leo isn't about to let Tramplee walk out of his life that easily and says that he will help her and that they'll go underground. She can be Boris and he can be Natasha. What I don't understand is why he wants them to disguise themselves as my cats?
Brooke tries to reach out to Edmund, telling him she understands that he's hurting and that she is there for him. She talks about how hard it is for him to see Dimitri with the woman he loves and suddenly Eddie crushes his glass in his hand. Oh, lots of anger there. After cleaning up the bloody mess that was his hand, Edmund tells Brooke that he blames Dimitri for everything and wishes he had stayed dead. Oh, this could get good!
Meaningless Drivel of the week - Dixie gets rather indignant with David when he suggests that she actually work. Gee David, how dare you! Jake is home and work can wait. If I did something like that, I'd lose my job! But then again, I guess the point is moot since I already did lose my job.
Erica, Jack and Bianca return from Seattle and Travis's funeral. Bianca is withdrawn and edgy until she sees Leo. I like this relationship. I like how she has a friend in Leo and how he's always there for her. They go outside to talk since Bianca doesn't want to say anything in front of her mother. [I'm going to say this again, even though I went on and on about it last week, Bianca may or may not end up being a lesbian. I think it would be interesting if she were and I have no problem with it. I just hope AMC does the storyline justice if they go with it. Also, the things (read hints) that Bianca is supposedly throwing out could mean anything at all, but because so many people seem to think that it means she's a lesbian, I want to play too.] Bianca tells Leo that she **lesbian reference alert** wanted to tell Travis what was wrong and now she will never have the chance. She tells Leo that she was finally **lesbian reference alert** going to be herself. She then tells Leo that **lesbian reference alert** she's worried her mother won't like who she is.
Inside, Erica tells Jack that Bianca is slipping away from her and she doesn't know what to do because she really doesn't know her at all. Jack tells her to give it some time and give her some space since it can't be easy being Erica Kane's daughter. Just then Bianca and Leo come back in and Erica tells her that they will go get her enrolled in Pine Valley High tomorrow. Bianca is having none of that though, and tells Erica that she is dropping out of school. Excuse me young lady?? This is where I draw the line. Confused sexuality or not, upset about father's death or not, something else altogether or not, she is 16. Erica insists that she is going to school, but Bianca tells her she wants to travel. Erica tells her she'd be happy to take her anywhere she would like to go but Bianca doesn't want to go with Erica. I'm sorry young lady but you don't get to do that until after you graduate. Of course Bianca runs out. Leo goes after her. She tells Leo that she doesn't have a problem with going to school, she has a problem having Erica as her full time mom. Leo talks Bianca into giving Erica a chance and Bianca agrees to go see the school.
Later, Jack tells Erica about a conversation that he had with Barbara. It seems that once Bianca returned from rehab, she spent a lot of time on the computer, like hours at a time. Barbara tried to set limits to her online use, but Bianca got upset and withdrawn. Leading all (by all I mean Barbara, Jack, Erica and probably Travis before his untimely demise) that Bianca met a boy at rehab and got her heart broken.
MyAdrian can't seem to find his WhinySpice anywhere and goes to SOS to ask Mateo if he's seen her. Mateo, who is busy cutting fruit, his usual job at SOS, plays dumb and tells MyAdrian he hasn't seen Whiny. So while MyAdrian is befuddled as to the whereabouts of his, for lack of a better word, girlfriend, Opal comes in to see him and and welcome him home. MyAdrian is so happy to see her, and then is even happier when he sees that his parents, Frank and Alice (in a smashing zebra sweater I must say) are there too. Tina then comes out of hiding in a sexy dress and new do. She's got one more surprise for MyAdrian... she got BBMak to come back and sing a special song just for them. How thoughtful. Just because his time is running out and I'm going to miss him terrible, this weeks PERFORMER OF THE WEEK goes to MyAdrian. I can do that, it's my column.
This weeks AMC gets a much lower grade than last week since nothing
too spectacular happened. I'll give it a very generous C-