The Pine Valley Bulletin

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Established 1998


October 30, 2000

The secret is finally out. The first thing I have to say about it is how tacky that AMC had "I Kissed a Girl" by Jill Sobul playing at the Blue Angel. I guess lesbians only listen to songs about lesbian encounters huh? Sheesh, how lame. Anyway, let's back up to Bianca having a nightmare that Erica rejects her. This is while she's taking a nap at Jack's place. Jack assures her that something like that would never happen but he decides to call Erica anyway. Jack commits the unforgivable act of coitus interruptus between Erica and David. It seems that the only way David knows how to comfort a damsel in distress is to lead her to his lair, er I mean bed. Erica leaves David's before the transaction can be completed, leaving David less than thrilled. But it's just as well. He doesn't have feelings for Erica anymore, and he'd just be using her to scratch his itch. What a shame, I liked them as a couple at one time. I'm not fond of these occasional boinks though.

When Erica arrives at Jack's, he makes himself scarce so that she and Bianca can talk. Erica apologizes to Bianca for reading her journal and for talking to her guidance counselor. Erica does her patented tearless crying routine and eventually gets Bianca to comfort her. Bianca assures Erica that she will not lose her. They agree to start over, with Bianca moving back to Erica's. Bianca promises to talk to Erica more, and Erica promises not to invade her daughter's privacy. They both promise to be more honest with each other. This new arrangement should last about a day I think.

The next day, Jack goes to see Erica at her office (she decided to work I guess). Erica thanks Jack for being there for Bianca but is so glad that she's back home and "acting like she should." Jack doesn't take to that comment too well and tells Erica that she has got to stop suffocating Bianca. As Jack tells Erica that she should get her own life so that she stops obsessing about Bianca. Erica doesn't hear a word that Jack is saying however. Which is no surprise.

Meanwhile, Bianca has gone to school. Marcus Studpuppy decides to ask Bianca to the Halloween dance and goes over to ask her while Muffy, Buffy and Babs watch. But Bianca turns him down under the guise of being grounded. But these kids know Erica too well and tell her they just know that Erica Kane wouldn't want Bianca to miss and dance would probably lift the grounding. Just then Leo comes into the high school looking for Bianca so that he can take her back to Enchantment. Bianca sees him and pretends he's her boyfriend, and without missing a beat, Leo falls right into the scam, gives Bianca a hug and says "Hi Sweetpea." Marcus Studpuppy isn't too thrilled to see he has somewhat older competition and gives this weeks LINE OF THE WEEK when he sees Leo with Bianca and says, "What is he, like 30??"

Back at Enchantment, Erica gets a call from her PR department informing her that her new Miss Teen Enchantment is really a 26 year old porn star. Erica is not happy about this at all and needs a new girl in 24 hours. She and Jack get to work immediately and I see where it's headed, but hope Erica has enough sense not to do it. First she calls Olga to see if she has any girls she can send over. Loved this! Thanks for the Olga reference AMC, sometimes you do actually think of us old time fans! But then it happens, Leo and Bianca arrive at Erica's office and the minute Erica sees Bianca she decides to make her the new Miss Teen Enchantment. Has any mother been more oblivious than Erica? Probably, but I'd be hard pressed to name one. Of course Bianca doesn't want to do it, everyone knew that, everyone but Erica. But Erica isn't hearing her, as usual. Bianca suddenly suggests that Leo be the new Man of Enchantment. Erica is actually listening to her and kind of likes the idea, while Leo sits there looking adorable.

Erica decides to take this idea to PR and see if it'll fly. And while she's gone, Bianca tells Leo that this is a perfect way for him to make back the money he owes Woody. What happens next is this weeks SCENE OF THE WEEK when Leo tells Bianca that she is a star and he knows if he made a wish on her, it would come true. He goes on to say how she's the first person he's ever really trusted. It's such a sweet and moving scene. And it's then goes into hysterically funny as Bianca takes pictures of Leo acting like a model. I am absolutely loving the friendship of Leo and Bianca. But the mood suddenly changes when Erica comes back and declares that Bianca and Leo are going to be the Couple of Enchantment. Bianca is not thrilled.

The funny thing is that Erica went from not caring if Bianca missed the first few days of school back in Seattle so she could attend the big shindig to making sure she goes to school by driving her and picking her up. And now? Well I'm sure she's not going to be too upset if Bianca misses school for a modeling gig. And she has absolutely no concept of what Bianca wants. She thinks she's helping her. Yikes. What a nutball. Anyway, they all go to the Valley Inn to celebrate so Erica calls Oscar the photographer to come and take candid shots of Leo and Bianca.

Now, backing up to when Leo gets out of jail. I have a feeling that Erica doesn't know about his last stint in the slammer, and come to think of it, I doubt Leo's "buzz" would be good considering how many times he's been in jail and one of those times was for murder! But that's besides the point. It seems Woody gave Leo a little test, he'll let him keep the million dollars and drop all charges if he promises never to see Tramplee again. Leo turns him down and that was exactly what Woody was hoping for and is thrilled to see such devotion. But alas, Tramplee came in at the wrong time and thought Leo was accepting the offer. Interestingly enough, Tramplee is never ticked off with her grandfather for making such an offer in the first place. All Tramplee heard was Leo repeating the offer and she goes flying off the handle.

So when he sees her at the Valley Inn and she gives him a whole load of 'tude, he tells her to make sure she takes care of Happy and walks off. But when she sees the photographer taking pictures of him and Bianca, Tramplee goes over to Erica to try and tell her that Leo stole a million dollars from her grandfather. Leo drags her off before she can say anything and tells her that he turned down her grandfather's offer. Tramplee is shocked and tries to apologize, but Leo's not interested. She should have trusted him, and she didn't.

Leo gets back to the table just in time for a visit from Muffy, Buffy and Babs. Erica is so excited to meet these phony teens and you can tell she's hoping that Bianca is one of them. Ugh. They tell Erica that Marcus Studpuppy asked Bianca to the Halloween dance but Bianca turned him down, so Leo plays like he's the boyfriend again. Erica reluctantly goes along with it but then suggests that Leo take Bianca to the dance. They finally agree to go and get the lamest costumes I've ever seen. They went as aliens but all they did was put a silver cape and gloves on over their clothing and wear a mask. Tramplee, who was listening in on everything and decided to go to the dance too, had a better costume. She went as a Genie. But come to think of it, Tramplee probably already had the outfit at home in her arsenal of kink wear.

At the dance, Leo pretends not to notice that Tramplee is there and watches with disinterest as she flirts with Marcus Studpuppy. When she walks off, Leo tells Studpuppy he should go for it and she was definitely interested in him. So Studpuppy asks Tramplee to dance and while they are dancing he squeezes her ass. Muffy, Buffy or Babs, whichever one is Studpuppy's date, is not too happy to see him dancing with Tramplee so Tramplee goes back over to Leo and it seems like they have made up. In the meantime, Bianca overhears Muffy, Buffy and Babs talking about her, saying how plain she is and how no one would care about her at all if she weren't Erica Kane's daughter. I don't even have to say it, Mr. Diva did for me, and I quote "Bitches! Bitches! Bitches!" Bianca runs out and right into Rain. What Rain is doing there is explained in a completely lame-o way when Bianca asks her. Rain tells her that she knew this dance wasn't her scene so she came to rescue her. How did Rain even know about the dance, let alone that Bianca was there? Who knows, but they leave together and Leo and Tramplee follow.

Rain takes her to the Blue Angel bar, which, in case you aren't keeping up, is a lesbian hangout. Oh that Pine Valley, it's a mecca for everything! They have an international airport, a few restaurants (BJ's, Valley Inn, McKay's), a health club, a castle (Wildwind), countless bazillionaires, da 'hood (Front St.), and now, the Blue Angel gay bar... but not just a gay bar since there are no gay men there, it's a lesbian bar. The gay men have to go to the Pink Angel or something. Who knows. Anyway, Rain gets them in with fake ID's and Bianca soon realizes what the place is and isn't at all upset to be there. Seems Rain knew Bianca would like the place before she took her there. Her gaydar must be working well! Anyway, Leo and Tramplee go into the Blue Angel and of course, Tramplee immediately notices the lack of male patrons and declares that Bianca is a lesbian.

J. Joey Jake has taken Jellybean to Chandler Enterprises to see if Tad would let them borrow the private jet for the evening so that they can go on a romantic getaway to NYC. While there, Tad is having a meeting with Ryan so Jellybean sneaks out while Tad and JJJ are discussing the details of taking the jet. Outside of Tad's office, Jellybean tells Ryan that it will only be a little while longer and to please be patient. But Ryan's patience has worn out and he doesn't believe her. Ryan tells her that the longer she waits the worse it will be and he now knows that she is never going to leave JJJ. But Jellybean pleads with him, proclaiming that she loves him and wants to be with him. Now let me interject right here. Jellybean has done everything make Ryan feel the way he does, and she has the damn nerve to ask him to wait longer while she's trying to help JJJ, uh, reassert his manhood? Why should Ryan wait around for that!? He shouldn't. Which is why Ryan has decided to bow out and tells Jellybean she should be with JJJ. Jellybean tells Ryan that she loves him, but Ryan tells her that more time will not make a difference. It's over. He thanks her for her heart, for her love and then tearfully says good-bye to his Princess. Ryan gets this weeks PERFORMER OF THE WEEK award for that heartfelt and painful good bye. It's Ryan who now knows what it's like to love someone, and Jellybean who is clueless. What an interesting reversal. I don't blame Ryan one little bit. When Jellybean goes back into Tad's office, visibly upset, Jake holds out his arms and she runs into them. Did Jake hear everything that was said? Who knows. Jake has decided to cancel the trip though. Jellybean later decides to tell JJJ everything about Ryan and when she tries, JJJ won't let her talk and doesn't want to listen. He tells her he understands they are still close and that is that. Typical.

At the Valley Inn, Dixie and David are talking about his new research project. Unbeknownst to Dixie, it's really JJJ's research and David is just trying to horn in. One thing leads to another and we get a little bit of MEANINGLESS DRIVEL OF THE WEEK when David tells Dixie he wants a woman like her. Before I can get too ill, Tad drags Dixie away from Doc Hayward. But wait, more MEANINGLESS DRIVEL is afoot when David goes back to his office and ends up falling asleep and having a dream about Dixie (who is in scrubs for some unknown reason - maybe she's a surgeon in his dream) and how much she admires him. Even in his sleep, David needs his ego stroked. He awakes to Dixie kneeling on the floor beside him, holding his hand. Can I puke now? No... I'll save it for later. Dixie is on some kind of strange high after seeing David perform surgery on a child and save her life. She is in awe of him and he knows it. She thanks him for letting her be a part of his research team which leads me to ask the obvious question... since when is Dixie qualified to do research?? David asks Dixie if she would help smooth things over with JJJ, since this was his project too. Dixie is all to happy to go do that, not knowing that David is using her to keep JJJ busy while he ransacks JJJ's locker for information.

So, while David goes down to the doctor's lounge and breaks into JJJ's locker, Dixie and JJJ meet to discuss David. JJJ tells Dixie that David has her totally snowed but Dixie tries to explain David's other side to JJJ. And while all this is going on, David reads a file in JJJ's locker and finds out that he is doing the research on himself and that he is impotent. Oh I can see David is going to run with this information.

When David comes out of the lounge, a young pregnant girl named Leila stops him and asks him for help. She knows who he is and asks if she can be part of a research project in exchange for medical care for her baby. David has no time for such trivialities and refuses to help her. As she begs him, David gets more and more angry and treats the girl very badly. JJJ sees it all and rips into David in front of other staff members. Well this does not sit well with David at all and he ushers JJJ into the doctor's lounge where they can talk this all out. David tears into JJJ for making a fool of him in front of other staff members, but JJJ counters with his lack of compassion and how he is unfit to practice medicine. Well, it's only a matter of minutes until David is throwing out the "less than a man" comments and makes it clear that he knows he cannot "rise to certain occasions." Ouch. Things turn physical fast and before you know it, Jake is throwing punches. Well, it turns out that Tad had walked in during a taunt or two and then breaks up the fight since Jellybean is pretty worthless in this respect. Tad then attacks David himself and I have to say, I'm pretty impressed by both Michael E. Knight and Vincent Irizarry. They had a hell of a fight, and there was no use of stunt doubles. Very impressive. But Dixie comes in and breaks up the fight. David goes back to his office and Jellybean explains to Dixie what happened. JJJ chimes in that Tad was protecting him because David was taunting him about being impotent.

Well so much for awe, Dixie marches right over to David's office to have it out with him. At first it's hard to tell if she's really mad at David or not. She's playing up to him, telling him about this other side that no one but her ever sees. She tells him how much potential he has to make a difference in so many lives. David is eating it up, thrilled that Dixie isn't upset with him. But suddenly it changes drastically and she calls him a "shameful irredeemable waste." David is shocked and Dixie goes on to accuse him of setting her up and then quits, again, and walks out.

Back in the lounge, Jellybean wants to comfort JJJ but he's too wound up. And then, Ryan's commercial comes on the TV and JJJ goes ballistic, picks up the TV and smashes it against the wall. You'd think he already took the Libidozone (can you even believe the name of this drug!? Libido-Zone!?) and was having one of those psychotic reactions that Dr. Fleishman warned him about. But as far as I can tell, Jake hasn't taken it yet. Jellybean assures JJJ that everything with Ryan is over.

Back in the office, Dixie had come back for a file and David sees her. He decides to try and explain himself to her again, but Dixie really doesn't want to hear it. While they are talking, Jellybean comes in and goes right for David, trying to attack him. Dixie pulls her off of David and takes her out of the office.

In the lounge, Jellybean and JJJ are talking when suddenly Tina bursts in and says she needs his help. Hey, how did Tina know to find him there? Before this week, I've never even seen that lounge before! I guess that's besides the point. Jellybean goes with them and Tina takes them to a cabin where Leila is in labor. JJJ has Tina go and try to find a phone to call 911, while Jellybean assists him. Jake ends up delivering a very clean baby. Leila is so grateful to JJJ that she asks him if he would mind if she named her baby after him. Then she tells Jellybean, "you're right, he is the best" to which Jellybean replies while starring adoringly at JJJ, "the best." What you have just witnessed here is the MOST VOMIT INDUCING SCENE OF THE WEEK. It's going to get worse too. Not only is there another reason for everyone to call JJJ a hero every five minutes, but then Jellybean gets all hot and bothered by seeing JJJ in action. She gushes all over him and I'm getting sicker by the moment. JJJ suddenly gets amorous while they are still in the cabin. I guess hero worship makes JJJ horny. It even seems like JJJ and Jellybean might be talking about having a child themselves. So then what is she going to tell Ryan? "Oh, just let me give birth to Jake's child, he's been through so much. Then I'll be with you."

Assholeo voices his suspicions against Arlene, again, to Waifley. Seems this time she's not buying it. She did last week, so I don't know what changed but she can't believe that even Arlene would sink that low. But he talks her into letting him question Arlene. Like if she asked him not to, he wouldn't? Get real. Anyway, he has Waifley divert Nessie when he sees them together at the Valley Inn. Once Waifley and Nessie are gone, Assholeo shows his true assholeo-ness and bullies Arlene, with his finger pointing in her face the whole time, and tells her to leave town already. Now, if I were Arlene, I'd have grabbed that damn finger and broken it! And this little scene earns Assholeo a long awaited JELLYBEAN ANDRASSY LAVERY MARTIN COMMEMORATIVE SLAP AWARD. But Arlene plays it very cool. Nessie and Waifley come back just in time to hear Assholeo threatening Arlene. Arlene asks Nessie to take her home and Assholeo throws out one last comment... just when did you two become so chummy. They ignore him and go.

Over at Chandler Mansion, Liza and Adam are playing with a new Colby. This one is a little older, a little more rambunctious and a lot more blonde. It's pretty funny, it's almost like by making Colby blonde, we are suddenly supposed to think that Liza's hair is natural and Colby is taking after her! But come on now, Liza didn't have white hair like she does now when she was a teenager! Anyway, Arlene comes home to find this happy little family lovefest and is not too happy about it. But Adam tells her that this farce is over and he won't pretend anymore. They have the surveillance tape and it will reveal the truth, that Liza never pushed her and the miscarriage was an accident. Nessie goes into a panic but realizes that they haven't rewound the whole tape to see her and Arlene plotting. They decide they have to get that tape before they do watch the whole thing. The question is, how did Adam get it? Last week when Liza was torturing herself by watching it over and over again, Adam took it out of the VCR and threw it in the trash. Liza fished it out when he wasn't looking. So when did she give it back to him? Details people! Details!

Arlene and Nessie search the house and find the tape on Adam's desk in his office. With tape in hand, they are set to leave when Assholeo and Waifley show up again and ask them about the tape. Arlene makes up some lame story about the tape being a copy of the movie "The Story of Bill W" but of course, Assholeo doesn't buy it and snatches the tape out of her hands. Liza and Adam come back into the room just as Assholeo is about to press play and they all stand there and watch the tape, including the part with Nessie and Arlene plotting to set up Liza. What they don't see is that, while they are all engrossed in the tape, Nessie and Arlene took off.

Adam is so thrilled that he has something on Arlene that he wants to call Derek and have her arrested. Assholeo actually tells him there are no charges to bring her up on and Adam finally relents, but he does say he's not going to give her the $700,000.00 now. He's all charged up and seems to think that all is right with the world now. But Liza brings him right back down to earth as she tries desperately to assert herself by telling him that they will not move ahead until he is divorced, and then leaves. After she goes, Ryan shows up and pitches Adam about the company. Adam seems disinterested, but I suspect that will change. donated a ping-pong table to the Community Center. The only reason I mention this is because it's the only scene that had MyAdrian in it this week. :(

At the Community Center, for some reason Becca has decided to defend Eliot to Brooke. Bad move bumpkin. Brooke doesn't want to listen to her, and I don't blame her either. Mind your own business Becca! Anyway, the Phoebster shows up with a big surprise for Brooke, Laura has returned from China! Fancy that, a mere two years after Jim Thomassen, the reason she went there in the first place, is dead. Laura is now a little older (supposedly she's playing 18), short blonde hair, a bit more worldly. And get this, she wants to study photography. Isn't that a strange thing for her to want to do after all the hoopla surrounding the teen porn photo shoot she did? Yeah she was the "model" then, not the photographer. But it still strikes me as odd. Anyway, she has few high school credits to finish so I guess we'll see her doing that. That gives Bianca a friend at school anyway. And then Junior, Ricky and Jamie come in and Junior asks Laura if she wants to go over to the Halloween dance. And off they go.

Eliot comes in and sees Brooke. They have words, Brooke acts like a schizo. She guilted him into staying and admits she did it, but then asks him why he decided to stay and is he trying to torture her. Whatever Brooke, make up your mind. I just can't for the life of me figure out how they are going to redeem Eliot to Brooke. I mean no matter what happens, he is still going to be the drunk driver that killed her daughter. Are they going to go for the obvious crap of having him save the life of Jamie, or Laura? How lame is that? And even if that does happen, he is still the drunk driver that killed Laura. Hell, Eliot saved Brooke herself from the path of an oncoming truck. She hasn't forgiven him in spite of that.

Brooke tells Eliot that the one thing he can do for her is to tell her the truth about Laura's final moments. It seems that they told her at the hospital that Laura died instantly. She wants to know if it's true. Eliot is reluctant to tell her but then he sits down to tell her what he does remember. He tells her that he didn't think he was speeding at the time, but the skid marks on the ground proved that he was going 50 in a 30. He remembers a flash of blue. Brooke relates that it was Laura's blue wool coat, a coat she hated but Brooke made her wear when it was cold. Eliot tells her that he didn't realize that he hit a child until he got out of the car and saw her lying on the ground. He said she looked peaceful, like she was sleeping and when he went over to her and took her hand, she opened her eyes. Through the tears, Brooke begs Eliot to tell her if she said anything. Tearful himself, Eliot tells her that Laura said, "Mommy." Phew, pass me the tissues!

This weeks AMC gets a C+ mainly because there was just way too much Assholeo for my liking and not enough of MyAdrian. Just a reminder, his final airdate is 10/31... farewell MyAdrian!