The Pine Valley Bulletin

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Established 1998


October 18, 2004

I know it's been a long time, and I'm sorry about that, so let's get right to it. I'm going all 80's for my tunes this week. Starting with the Psychedelic Furs "All of This and Nothing," Echo and the Bunnymen "Songs to Learn and Sing," Blondie "Parallel Lines," (actually that's 70's), and rounding out with the soundtracks to "Grosse Pointe Blank" (yes, there are two).

As I sit here munching on my Twizzlers cherry bites, looking at five and a half pages of notes I took on last weeks shows, I'm noticing that they say absolutely nothing. Nothing happened last week. Man did I pick the worst week to come back to writing an Editorial! Oh well, we'll make the best of it.

I had to laugh when Adam thought he had David right where he wanted him, inviting Zach over and the two of them talked about the "missing" surveillance tape from the casino the night David put Adam in a box. For some reason, Zach is hanging on to that tape. Adam was none to pleased when David and Zach walked off to go make their own deal, leaving Adam pissed off and frustrated. All he could was throw his arms up in the air and yell "DAMN!" Boy do I wish I had a picture of that! That was the funniest thing I've seen in a long time! Anyway, back at David's cabin, David offers Zach a drink but Zach refuses. That Zach, he's no dummy! Basically David asks Zach for time to help Babe do what she needs to do then he can come after David with both barrels. Will we ever see that happen? Who knows and by that time, who's going to care?

While we're on the Adam, David etc. stuff, let's stick with the baby switch. You know, for the life of me I can't figure out what all the bitching is about. This storyline has had it all... sex, intrigue, love, lust, hate, betrayal, kidnapping, deception, mystery, blackmail. What more do people want!? I personally think it's been one hell of a storyline. I know I know, I've heard the whining over and over, "we want Bianca to have her baby back!" Well sure, everyone wants that, and she will. That's the thing, she was ALWAYS going to get her baby back. And the reply to that? "But she'll never be able to make up that time with Miranda!" OK... that's true, but who on soaps whoever has a baby actually does all those things people are, for some reason, wishing they could see Bianca doing with Miranda? Since this is my Editorial and my point of view, I'm going to give it... I have no desire to watch anyone change diapers, bottle feed, wake up at 2 am because the baby is crying and in general, live a normal life with their new baby. I don't watch soaps for that. I watch them for the love, lust, betrayal, blackmail, etc. And look at the ratings! They are the best they have been in years! So as much as people are bitching, the sure are watching! I'm not saying I've loved every aspect of the story, no one can love everything. I have totally hated all the fake outs and I think that is rather insulting to the viewers. Not only the ones we see on the show, you know what I'm talking about, there's a scene with Babe looking very serious and perplexed, she says to a wide eyed, innocent and trusting Bianca, "I have something I have to tell you." Then, cut to commercial. When we come back, Jamie, David, Krystal, JR, anyone will burst in and end the moment, and Babe never tells. But it's also in the soap mags. Every week there is a new headline "Babe gives up Bess" Um, she gave up Bess to JR, not Bianca. "Babe reveals the truth!" Um, she reveals the truth to Jamie, not Bianca. It's sickening. CUT IT OUT! I have also hated the ruination of some wonderful characters: Babe, Krystal, David and probably Jamie too. JR.. well, he hasn't been ruined for me since I didn't like him to begin with. I know storylines are planned out so I hope there is a damn good plan to turn these characters around. I don't see how it's possible, but I never thought I'd see Mike Roy come back from the dead after being cremated either.

So while JR is turning into a bigger and bigger jackass every day, Jamie is becoming more and more of a champion. JR sinks to a new low when he shows Babe a tape (yeah I know it's a DVD, but that just doesn't sound right, and anyway, I still say album instead of CD) of her and Jamie meeting with creepy Rod at the pump house. Rod had called Babe and told her he knew where her baby was, this was when JR had Bess hidden away. JR doctored the tape just enough so that it looks like Babe and Jamie are trying to hire this fella to kill JR. Babe plays right into JR's hands as he tells her that Rod will testify against her and Jamie. Oh my, this was stupid. Er, Babe was stupid and I'm going to give her this weeks big giant I NEED TO BE SLAPPED award for falling into JR's diabolical plan. Did she think for one minute that science being what it is today would be able to tell the tape is doctored? I seem to remember Rod talking about the baby but those parts were cut out. Did Babe think for one minute that Rod called HER, he approached HER, and that could be proved with phone records? COME ON. Don't you ever watch CSI Babe?? But the threat of sending Jamie to prison again is enough for her and she signs over full custody of Bess... um, MIRANDA, to the evil JR. Right then and there she could have ended it all and said, "In your face JR, she's not even our child!" But she thought her mother was getting a confession out of the even more stupid Kelly Cramer. So Babe thought JR's custody of Miranda would only be a few hours to a day. Plus, she'd be locking her own jail cell if she had done that.

In the meantime, there is a whole lot going on in Llanview. Jamie is there buddying up to the skeeviest of all skeeves, Paul Cramer, and buying him lots of drinks. Jamie plays it up how he was duped by Babe and wants revenge, hoping he could get Paul to admit how he switched the babies. To establish trust, Jamie even tells him how he knew about the DNA test that Babe asked him to fix. As Paul gets more and more drunk, he pretty much admits to everything. He tells him how the Chandler's were breathing down his neck and that poor Bianca was an innocent in the whole thing. Suddenly realizing he said too much, Paul gets belligerent and leaves. I think Jamie pretty much has all he needs though.

Poor Krystal didn't have as much luck with Kelly. Kelly is getting that dopey confused look she often gets when Tad arrives and ruins all the strides that Krystal had made in gaining her trust and getting her to spill where the baby came from. Kelly gets spooked and rushes off. Krystal is none too pleased and rips into Tad for following her and spying. But Krystal starts to panic when it looks like Tad has finally figured out what is going on, that is until he reveals that he knows about the DNA test they did on "the baby" to see if Jamie was the father. Tad is upset with her for once again stringing Jamie along. Krystal is relieved that Tad doesn't know the whole truth and figures it's better to end it now than to have to face him when the truth does come out, so she refuses his marriage proposal. Tad doesn't believe her and thinks she's only breaking up with him to keep her secret. Well, he's right.

Back at Chandler's, David and Krystal arrive back and are shocked to find that Babe has signed Miranda over to JR. They are both crazed that she did such a stupid thing, but Babe reminds them that she gave him full custody of Bess Chandler, and in reality, there is no Bess Chandler, and the custody is only for a day until they get Kelly to confess. But Krystal tells her that Kelly won't budge and doesn't think they will be able to get a confession out of her. What they don't know is that Kelly doesn't know Paul stole the baby. Babe goes into a panic now, realizing that she gave Miranda to JR. She wants to go tell Bianca immediately, but Krystal and David stop her, of course. David assures Babe that they will get a full confession out of Paul Cramer, and he will be taking on all the responsibility. Babe says a very tearful good bye to "Bess" and then JR throws them all out. And that my friends, was all we saw of the whole baby switch storyline for the whole week. Can you believe it.

Maria begs Edmund to let go of his investigation and obsession with Zach and to leave him alone. But Edmund can't let it go, he's a suspect in Ryan's shooting. And after Zach told him that he faked his own death, he's even more intrigued. Zach told him he's always been Zach Slater, and that he faked his own death... meaning Zach Slater never died. But he gives in and tells Maria he trusts her and will leave Zach alone. Maria is thrilled and does what any devoted wife would do, lies to her husband and rushes off to meet up with Zach. Minutes (actually days, I think someone forgot Edmund out on the terrace for awhile) later, Aidan joins Edmund on the terrace. Aidan is stunned when Edmund tells him the investigation is over and he's leaving Zach alone. Aidan can't believe it, but when Edmund tells him he trusts Maria, Aidan backs off. But just then, Ryan arrives and drops his bombshell of a theory on them, that Zach is really Alexander Cambias, Jr. Edmund laughs heartily at Ryan's hypothesis, probably pissed that he didn't think of it first. But he rejects it without any consideration at all and tells them there is no way that Zach is Alex Jr. He tells Ryan what he had just told Aidan, that he's dropping the investigation and wheels off in a huff. Aidan and Ryan decide to go ahead with the investigation and then Aidan goes after Edmund to see what is wrong. Edmund confides to Aidan that he cannot believe that Maria would ever keep that big a secret from him, and again tells him he has to believe in his wife and trust her. Aidan gets it.


OMG... can you believe what happens next??? While Edmund is brooding about everything, he launches into a daydream bathed in red, where he confronts Zach, and gets up out of his wheelchair to threaten him. Oh... I'm going to be ill, that was the cheesiest thing I have seen in a long long time!!!



I have to add something here. I hear from a lot of fans and they don't get how Aidan and Ryan are friends now, let alone Aidan and Edmund. Or for that matter, Greenlee and Ryan being together either. The logic being Aidan was the guy that came between Ryan and Kendall the first time around. Aidan was the guy Maria wanted to be with instead of Edmund when she first came back and didn't know who she was. And way back when, Greenlee was horrible to Gillian. OK, I get it, I really do. But characters have to move on, grow, progress. If they don't, no one would ever talk to anyone. Aidan would never speak to Edmund or Ryan. Ryan would never speak to Greenlee. Kendall would never speak to Ryan or Greenlee or Erica or Bianca. Tad would never be friends with Liza. It could go on and on and on and on, and then no one would ever interact. Some stay enemies (David and Tad, Adam and Tad, Adam and David to name a few), and that is because those relationships are unapologetic. They don't want to make amends, or move on. And I hope they never do! But the others, they have to move on in order to ever have story and I'm glad. I love that Erica loves and cares about Kendall now. I love that Aidan has friends in Edmund and Ryan. I love Tad and Liza's friendship, etc.

After Ethan refuses to take Bianca's disgusting, grody, placenta laden, blood spattered, just plain icky, tank top that she kept from the day Miranda was born, he breaks into Zach's condo to try and find a shred of Michael's DNA so he can once and for all prove who he is. Kendall spots him and pitches in to help but they can't even find a toenail fragment that might have flew off in an unknown direction while being clipped. They can't find a trace of Michael or of Zach, and Zach still lives there! It's kind of creepy. Bianca realizes that they came up with nothing and once again offers her shirt to Ethan. This time he accepts and they all head over to Bianca's loft to get it. But once there, she can't find it and realizes it's been stolen. Ethan accuses Zach of taking it, but Bianca thinks she knows who the culprit is and rushes off.

Over at Ryan's penthouse, we see Jonathan holding that nasty piece of material in his hands (I hope he goes to wash after!) and tosses it into the fireplace. Maggie arrives for her weekly booty call with Jonathan and sees something on the fire. Upon closer investigation, she realizes it's Bianca's top and freaks out. Jonathan tries to explain why he did it, to protect Ryan, but the whole thing is so weak. But Jonathan continues with it and then opens up to Maggie about his horrible childhood. He says Ryan was lucky that he left, but he couldn't deal with him leaving again (aka, Ethan or whoever killing him), which is all even more weak because from where I'm sitting, it looks like Jonathan is the one who shot Ryan in the first place! He pleads with Maggie to help him explain why he took and destroyed the shirt to Bianca, and wouldn't you know, Bianca is already at the door and asks Jonathan if he took the shirt. He is about to come clean when Maggie, Bianca's great buddy old pal, covers for him and says he didn't take it. Jonathan, instead of coming clean, goes along with Maggie's lie. Have I said lately how pointless I think Maggie is? No? Well I'm saying it now. After Bianca leaves, Jonathan asks why she did that, and she explains that while she gets why he did it (Huh? you do??? Explain it to me then Maggie!), Bianca wouldn't. Um, Maggie... that's because Bianca has a brain!

Later, back at Bianca's, Bianca tells Maggie she knows someone broke into her place and stole the shirt. Maggie stutters and stammers, asking how she knows. Bianca shows her the scratches on the door where someone picked the lock. Bianca is about to call the police when Maggie tells her not to do that. Bianca can't imagine why her good friend who declared her love for her, would tell her not to call the police after she'd been robbed. Bianca asks her what might have happened if she came home while the person was still in her apartment and how anything could have happened to her. Um, yeah Maggie, remember? Bianca was raped once. Maggie slips up in her Jonathan cover up then and says that he never would have hurt her. BUSTED. Bianca can't believe that Maggie would lie to her and is even more upset when Maggie tells her that the shirt had been destroyed and tells Maggie she wants to be alone. You know, Maggie's defense of Jonathan is totally weak. What a moron.

After talking to Bianca yet again about how awful Michael was, Zach heads to the cemetery to try and reconcile all the things he's heard. He truly seems to admire Bianca and finally comes to the realization that she isn't lying to him about what Michael did to her. Zach being at the cemetery turns into the SCENE OF THE WEEK when he sees Myrtle visiting Mona's grave. She tells him she knows exactly who he is and that he drudged up the past to hurt Bianca all over again. But Zach tries to tell him he doesn't want to hurt Bianca. Zach sits down and asks Myrtle to tell him her impressions of Michael. Myrt was only too happy to tell him what she thought of Michael and tells Zach that he was the worst kind of coward, a little man who preyed on innocent people. She tells him that hurting people made Michael feel big and powerful. Just tell it like it is Myrt... he had a Napoleon complex! Zach asks if she thinks his family had anything to do with it, but Myrtle is having none of that. She tells him to blame the family is a cop out and then warns him to leave the past buried. Zach assures her that he wants nothing but the best for Bianca and to that, Myrtle leaves him with a threat and this weeks LINE OF THE WEEK, "Hmm. You'd better, because if you don't, you won't have to wonder whose hand is at your throat." GO MYRT!!

Armed with yet another testimony against Michael, Zach is started to come to some hard conclusions and calls Maria. Maria, being led by her loins, rushes to Zach's aid, lying to Edmund in the process (as said above). When Maria arrives, he confides that he is finally starting to believe the truth about Michael and blames himself for leaving him. Maria urges him not to feel that way, that Michael was responsible for his own actions. With Zach in tears, Maria embraces him and tries to comfort him. Wouldn't you know, Erica arrives to visit her mother's grave and spots the two in an embrace. Anyone would know, just by looking, that it wasn't the embrace of passion and Erica should know what that looks like better than anyone! But that doesn't stop her from going into bitch mode. We're supposed to be treated to a great cat fight between Maria and Erica, but I have to say, it was really lame. Erica taunted Maria about Zach and infidelity, Maria taunted Erica about the pot calling the kettle black...blah blah blah, let's see some hair pulling! Come on! At least get in some good zingers. The closest thing we had to a really great zinger was when Erica told Maria she wouldn't spill the beans about Zach if she talked him into leaving town and taking Ethan with him so they will both leave her daughters alone. Maria said she couldn't do that (and why would she have to even answer this blackmail threat, nothing is going on!), and Erica responds with, "Don't underestimate your power, Maria. You obviously have a certain limited charm." Maria's retort is a threat to Erica that she better not ruin her marriage or she'll regret it.

Zach, hot on the heals of his new epiphany about Michael, goes to Bianca's to apologize to her for not believing her previously. Bianca is puzzled but knows Zach knows something he's not telling her. Zach coming to terms with the brother he loved so dearly being an evil monster has earned him this weeks PERFORMER OF THE WEEK award. I'm just a sucker for a guy who can cry and when Zach's eyes welled up, he won me over!

Some random comments...

Lily was befriended by the "Hot Girls" in school, AMC's version of "Mean Girls" the widely successful movie that starred two AMC alum's, Jonathan Bennett (ex-JR) and Amanda Seyfried (ex-Joni). They told her she was hot and could hang out with them if she did their homework. Lily, being the trusting soul didn't know they were using her. She got upset when Jack and Reggie tried to explain that they didn't really like her. Dani to the rescue who threatened to tell the whole school they had raging and contagious STD's if they didn't leave Lily alone. Lily didn't want to stop seeing her new friends so she took off to meet up with the girls and they tarted her all up. Dani and Reggie declared war on the "Hot Girls."

Ryan and Ethan are still at odds and I really don't get it. Why does Ethan hate Ryan so much when all Ryan ever did was tell him that if he was proved to be who he says he is, he will hand everything over to him immediately.

Greenlee wants to put the past with Kendall behind her and maybe start fresh, but Kendall isn't ready to be Greenlee's friend.

Ethan and Kendall bond over his frustration at all the roadblocks in his way in trying to prove who he is.

Greenlee is acting weird... what's going on? Brain tumor? Something else? Who knows!

Well, that's about it for this week... like I said, it was a bad week to decide to review. I hope to have another Editorial out soon.... sooner than this last time anyway!

This weeks AMC gets eh, a C- Loved the Myrtle/Zach scene, love that there is a focus on Lily... but all in all, it was kind of a week of filler.