The Pine Valley Bulletin

Welcome to Pine Valley's only online newspaper!

Established 1998


October 16, 2000

OK... so where the hell is Esther? As obsessed as she was with Stuart, are we to believe she just gave up and hasn't tried to find him? You know, AMC did this the last time Esther was on... they just gave her up and forgot about her like she was never there in the first place. Granted, they have totally ruined the character of the sweet and vulnerable Esther by having her kidnap Stuart and hide him from his family. But at one time, I just adored her. And now, well... just where the hell is she!? Follow through people... I need follow through and closure. You know she won't go to prison if she comes back. If Stuart wouldn't press charges against Arlene for almost killing him, he sure wouldn't press charges against Esther. And while I'm on this... where the hell is Stuart anyway?? Maybe he's helping Scott move to NYU, since he's disappeared too. He's so far gone that he's already removed from the opening credits. And so is *sniff* MyAdrian.

Now that I got that off my chest, let's forge ahead. After some hot and heavy boinking, Leo goes off to get some food for Tramplee. While he's gone, the Smarm King, Wade Randall arrives and resumes his threats on Tramplee. Now, how he got out of jail is a mystery, but he did and he immediately found Tramplee. He demands a million dollars and a passport. When Leo comes back with some extravagant picnic lunch from the Valley Inn, Tramplee has suddenly cooled down in a major way which confuses Leo. What she's really trying to do is protect him from Wade, but Leo doesn't quite get that yet. Check out Tramplee... selfish bitch extraordinaire thinking of someone else first. Finally she gets Leo to leave and heads over to Ryan's to steal his passport for Wade. Lo and behold, Leo shows up there. Why? I have no idea. But Tramplee makes something up about how she realized that she wasn't over Ryan after all, confusing Leo further. Suddenly shots are fired through the window and Tramplee and Leo hit the floor. Tramplee at first thinks that Leo is shot since he's unconscious, but then realizes there is no blood anywhere and tries to get him to wake up and again professes her love for him during dire circumstances. Will these two ever say they love each other over a nice quiet dinner and a glass of wine?? Sheesh. When Leo comes to, Tramplee tries to fluff off the shooting as random, but Leo isn't buying that line and grabs the phone to call the police. While he's on the phone, Tramplee finds the passport and makes a run for it. Leo runs after her.

Back at that ever lovin Pine Cone Motel, Tramplee gives Wade the passport she stole from Ryan. It's not enough, he was waiting for the million dollars too. Tramplee makes some snide comment about not being his personal ATM machine when Leo arrives again. Tramplee and Wade remain quiet, but Leo's ready to burst the door down so Tramplee and Wade go out the window. They end up in another hotel room, this time Tramplee is a hostage in style at the Valley Inn.

Down in the dining room, Erica and Bianca are having breakfast, and a rather large breakfast at that. Both Erica and Bianca had large plates of pancakes and bacon. Excuse me?? Erica who probably eats a Cheerio a day and former anorexia sufferer Bianca are going to eat pancakes and bacon? Uh huh. It's the first day of school so I guess Erica wants Bianca to be sick to her stomach all morning. Mr. Diva inquired as to why they would be at the Valley Inn having breakfast on the first day of school anyway. I replied, "because it's Pine Valley." This seemed to pacify his curiosity.

While Bianca is giving Erica some attitude about not wanting to go to school anyway, Leo arrives and gets Bianca's attention. Out in the lobby he tells Bianca that Tramplee is in big trouble and he needs help finding her. Bianca suggests they tell Erica since she can fix any problem. Alas, Erica is so not interested in helping out Tramplee. David has come over to say hi to everyone and taunts Leo about how he is after the wrong girl. Leo doesn't take to kindly to David badmouthing Tramplee and attacks David. Once the fight breaks up, David explains that he saw Tramplee going into a room on the seventh floor with some man. Leo realizes that it must have been Wade and goes from trying to kill David, to kissing him. Leo races of to the seventh floor and listens at doors until he hears Wade. Luckily for Leo, a chambermaid is right there and has the passkey sitting on her cart unattended. Wow, how convenient. Leo opens the door and calls out, in a horrible impersonation of a woman's voice, "housekeeping." Wade tells him to go away, but when Leo doesn't, Wade goes over to the door and Leo slams the door into him, causing him to drop the gun. But Wade is a little quicker on his feet and grabs the gun before Leo can.

Now, with two hostages, Wade decides he's got the upper hand. He ushers them out of the room and, as luck would have it, the janitor is there closing down and locking the elevator, which is broken. It's Wade's lucky day as the janitor walks off and leaves the elevator key on his cart. Wade makes Leo unlock the elevator and then he tosses Tramplee and Leo inside. The thing immediately starts to teeter and panic ensues. But being the stud puppy that he is, Leo is going to save his damsel in constant distress and starts to climb out the top of the elevator. Leo doesn't make it the whole way out of the elevator though because he notices the cable is shredded and they are literally hanging by a thread. Trample starts to panic, but Leo tries to calm her with a kiss. When the elevator lurches, they start to talk about their lives and memories. Tramplee asks Leo, if she died and he didn't, what would he remember about her. Then adds this weeks LINE OF THE WEEK when she says, "And you can skip the beautiful and sexy part because that is a given." Ahh Tramplee... even in elevator distress, she's still got it.

Next thing we know, there is a news break cut in and we miss what happens when the elevator snaps. It's OK though, this time the news way more important, even though they broke in at a crucial moment. Here is what we missed, according to the recap on "Leo, tired of waiting, climbed back out of the elevator. Leo came back down with a rope and instructed Greenlee to climb it to get to the ladder that ran along the wall of the elevator shaft. Greenlee got safely out of the elevator, but before Leo could follow her, the elevator started to drop." So Leo and Tramplee both survive. It turns out that the elevator only dropped a few floors and Leo started to scream and yell. A woman, Victoria, heard him and with shear brute strength, pried open the elevator doors and pulled Leo out. And in the meantime, Woody had taken a million dollars to the Boathouse for Wade, which was the ransom for Tramplee. Once Tramplee and Leo are reunited, Leo isn't done playing super hero and pretends to call the police to tell them where they can find Wade. What he ends up doing is going to the Boathouse himself to confront Wade. Another fight ensues and eventually Leo knocks Wade out. He calls Derek from the Boathouse and tells him that he's calling from the Valley Inn but he knows that Woody dropped the money at the Boathouse and he may still be able to catch Wade there. Leo then takes the ransom money for himself, heads back to the Valley Inn and immediately starts throwing money around. What is up with this!? Why on earth would Leo take the money he knows is Woody's? I suppose he could think that Woody has enough money and he deserves some reward for saying Tramplee's ass about 10,000 times huh?

Let's go over the community center now and see Brooke confront Eliot. Brooke, who is still reeling from Eliot's revelation that he is Josh Waleski, the man that killed Laura. It's quite a scene since Jack had just punched Eliot out and his lip is still bleeding, Becca is there in shock and trying to tend to Eliot, not believing what is being said. Bianca is there because Becca brought her to gawk at homeless kids. Erica is there because she came looking for Bianca. Now tell me, what would possess Erica to think that Bianca would end up at the community center? Anyway, Erica is shocked to discover that Eliot is Josh and this is what I really love about the Erica and Brooke relationship. They can barb each other like there is no tomorrow, but when something very serious happens, Erica always seems to come to Brooke's defense. I love that. It's like they hate each other, but still respect one another. I think it's cool. Well, Brooke takes Eliot into his office and she tells him he cannot just leave town with his tail between his legs, it's too easy. She calls him a coward and tells him he hides behind his collar. All true, but I can't really understand why she would want him to stay in town. That part confuses me. But she wants to make him suffer as much as she has. I can't imagine how she could do that, but that is her plan. She goes on to tell Eliot that it all makes sense now, all the questions he evaded, how he'd never talk about himself. Brooke calls him a stalker. All Brooke's pain and outbursts are so justified. And Eliot is right to just stand there and take it. He has no defense. He mislead her, lied to her, pretended to be someone he is not. Then he tells Brooke that Laura's death taught him the value of life. Brooke practically laughs in his face and tells him that she will not take away his guilt. He has to suffer the consequences for his actions and by running away, he is just doing another hit and run.

In the other room, Erica tries to explain things to Bianca like she's about 9 years old. Bianca, who has a mind of her own though, tells Erica that everything is not exactly how it seems. You know, I really really like Bianca. I think the actress is great and the character is interesting. BUT, to liken her secret to Eliot's was a really strange way to go with this. Bianca has a secret, and I'm sure we all know by now that the secret is that she is supposedly a lesbian. For her to take Eliot's side because "everyone has secrets" is beyond my realm of comprehension! She tells Erica that maybe Eliot didn't lie, but was really just scared to tell the truth. Excuse me honey, that means he lied. That whole scene was a total head scratcher. Hiding the fact that you are gay and hiding the fact that you murdered someone do not go hand in hand in my book. Eliot not only lied, but he misrepresented himself for months, got himself into Brooke's life, fell in love with her and she with him, and still couldn't tell her. Sure, he was on his way to tell her when Hank was about to spill anyway, but would have told her if Hank hadn't been there? I wonder, since he had gone to tell her numerous other times and chickened out. I guess we will never know.

Once Brooke leaves Eliot in the office, Rev. Taylor goes in to try and talk Eliot into staying in town. But Eliot has made up his mind and is going to go. He is going to have a special church service the next day to announce his departure and tell everyone who he really is. Brooke gets wind of this and tells Edmund that there is no way she's going to let Eliot leave that easily. She's back at Tempo by the way, this is where she meets up with Ed and a miracle had occurred, both of them had decided to work that day. Ed, who should really take some of his own advice, tries to talk Brooke out of her revenge plans for Eliot. But when she refuses, he tells her that whatever she has in mind, he's going to help and they both head out to go to Eliot's service. You want to help Brooke Edmund? I have a little suggestion, call Tom Cudahy and have him come back to Pine Valley. Brooke needs him now.

Brooke and Eliot arrive at the service while Eliot is telling the congregation about himself. Eliot tells them that he has not paid for his crimes and that he has left Brooke with an open wound. After the service is over, Edmund is kind of lingering around the church. Rev. Taylor asks him if he wants to unload his burden or something like that, but Eddie just blows him off. Let's get back to Eddie a little later.

I want to back track to Bianca having met some wacky chick named Rain at the community center. She seems to have Bianca's number right away and sympathizes with her and her desire not to go to school. So on the day that Bianca is supposed to go to school, she sees Rain and Rain talks her into ditching. Off the two girls go to the mall to panhandle. Rain isn't too bright I see, considering she knows that Bianca is Erica Kane's daughter, why wouldn't she suggest that they go get some cash from Erica's house instead of trying to get it off mall patrons? But that's what they do and when Erica and Opal are spotted at the mall, they run off and put on Halloween masks and ballsy Rain panhandles them. But when she tries to get some money off Jack, Bianca is discovered. Oops.

Erica and Opal head back to Erica's house and she and Opal are talking about Bianca when they walk in and see that all of Bianca's boxes have arrived from the airline. Opal's brilliant suggestion is that they unpack all her boxes for her so that when she comes home, her room is full of all her stuff. Now what teenager would want her mom and her mom's friend going through all her stuff!? The point is moot though because the first box Erica opens contains Bianca's journals. Now Opal starts to use her head and tells Erica to keep her mitts off of Bianca's journal. She goes on to tell her how it's an invasion of privacy and she has to wait for Bianca to come to her. Opal tells Erica that she needs to back off and let Bianca be Bianca. Erica isn't into that, and tells Opal that she should read Bianca's journal and then tell her what's in it. Opal says no way, she would never read Bianca's private thoughts and Erica shouldn't either. But then, Opal makes a large blunder and leaves the room to go make tea, leaving Erica with the journals. Of course, Erica immediately starts to read one of them.

Jack interrupts Erica's afternoon read when he brings Bianca home from the mall. Erica hides the journal behind her back and is shocked to hear Jack tell her that he found her at the mall, panhandling. Erica is so appalled that, not only did Bianca lie and say she was going to school, but that she would be hanging out with "that Stormy girl." Bianca thinks that Erica is being a snob, but hey you know what, I'm going to agree with Erica on this one. I don't want Bianca hanging around with "that Stormy girl" either. She's really not too bright and Bianca is. She can only end up dragging her down. Plus, those braids are so stupid looking! Oh like I should talk about someone's hair looking stupid. Shame on me! So anyway, Erica punishes Bianca and tells her that she will drive her to and from school, then take her to Enchantment where she will do her homework and then work there. The punishment is deserved I think. But then Bianca notices that Erica is holding her journal and asks if Erica has read. Erica vehemently denies it and is rather insulted that Bianca would even ask such a thing. But when Bianca goes up to her room, she tells nobody in particular that her mother can never read what she has written and starts to tear out pages.

Dimitri and Alex seem to be the picture of perfect bliss. Did you see when Dim practically jumped on top of Alex on the sofa at the Hunting Lodge!? Geez I had to rewind that one and watch it again because you know that Finola Hughes is about to give birth! It looked like he jumped right on top of her and for a minute there I thought her baby was going to come squirting out! Luckily it was really just a trick to the eye, he landed on his hands and she had her legs tucked up in front of her belly. Neat trick. Dim is telling Alex that he is headed out to go meet Ryan, presumably to talk about Jellybean, when Jellybean shows up at the Hunting Lodge door to talk to him. Now... she says something about how every time she sees him, she can't believe it's really him. When exactly did she see him the first time? I missed out on that reunion. Anyway Dim tells her he's headed out to a meeting but she can stay and talk to Alex.

Jellybean sits down to talk to Alex about how J. Joey Jake Martin made her leave. Alex asks the question that was on my lips and probably on a lot of others... "so what's the problem? Go be with Ryan." Exactly and thank you Alex! But no, for Jellybean it's not as easy as that. Why? I have no idea. Jellybean continues to make zero sense as she agonizes over a decision that JJJ made for her. He set you free honey, GO! Alex tells her that her decision was easy, her heart chose Dimitri, the love of her life. But Jellybean still can't make a decision, so evidently that means Ryan is not the love of her life, which she always said he was. She tells Alex that she made a vow to JJJ... to love, honor and obey. Wait a doggone minute right there... she OBEY?? I don't even know what to say about that. But I sure don't remember that being part of the vows. Jellybean goes on to say that she found this beautiful love note that JJJ wrote her while he was in Chechnya and it confused her even more. This weeks DIXIE COONEY MARTIN COMMEMORATIVE SLAP award goes to Jellybean yet again for being such a dang fool. She is swayed by words, words that were written while she was having the time of her life boinking Ryan without a care. Why should JJJ's wartime profession of love mean so much? If I were Ryan I'd write her off and not look back. Oh she makes me so mad!

Over at the Health Club, Ryan is beating the hell out of the punching bag. Eddie watches with interest and asks Ryan if it helps. Ryan tells him to give it a try and bare knuckled, Eddie goes to town literally punching the stuffing out of the bag and causing his knuckles to bleed. Careful now Eddie, your rage is showing. Dimitri arrives for his meeting with Ryan, assuming it's to talk about Jellybean, but Ryan absolutely doesn't want to talk about Jellybean. He actually asks Dimitri to invest in his company, enough to buy out Tramplee and Woody. Dim tells him to send him the information and he'll back to him. That was easy. Eddie in the meantime has gone over to the juice bar and asks for a mineral water, "put it on my tab." Huh? When have we ever seen Ed at the health club? But he actually goes so frequently that he has a tab? Interesting.

Over at the hospital, JJJ is in his office when Tad comes by to talk. JJJ tells him that he let Jellybean go and that he doesn't want her to stay out of guilt. Smart move JJJ and a nice thought, but I suspect it has something to do with limp noodle thing you've got going on. Tad tells him he's very proud of him and maybe it was meant to be. JJJ tells Tad that Jellybean is the only woman he has ever loved. Hmmm... I seem to recall JJJ loving Emily Ann, and Katie Kennicott, and Allie Doyle and even Liza. Did I miss any? But then Tad leaves and Dr. Fleishman comes in. The doc tells JJJ that his impotence my not be permanent and that there is an experimental drug out that may help him. I have one word for you JJJ... VIAGRA. If it's good enough for Bob Dole, it's good enough for you. And just as I suspected, the minute JJJ hears that there is a possible cure for his erectus nonfunctionus, he suddenly wants Jellybean back. Oh JJJ, you were so selfless to let her go... uh huh, sure.

JJJ is in the ER and Jellybean is working as a candy striper that day... wow, everyone seemed to go to work this week huh, when a girl comes in with a head wound who will not talk. As everyone stands around and stares, JJJ tries to get her to speak. It's Jellybean who realizes that she cannot speak and probably cannot hear either so she calls WhineySpice to the hospital since she's the only one in Pine Valley who knows sign language. Thank goodness JJJ mentioned that he was embarrassed that no one at the hospital knows sign language or I'd have a hell of a lot more to say about how completely insulting this was. Oh what the heck. How can there be no one who knows sign language at a hospital!!! Are you kidding me?? This is absurd! OK. I'm better now. After that all gets squared away, JJJ asks Jellybean out on a date and she accepts. Oh that is just so cute I could barf.

Tad somehow talks Dixie into taking the morning off... wait a minute, let's just cut right to the chase and call this the MEANINGLESS DRIVEL OF THE WEEK. At the Valley Inn, Tad and Dixie are making boink plans while David and Erica are at another table talking about Bianca. Erica blows David off so David heads straight for Dixie and tells her she cannot take the day off. Tad is on to him and tells him that the work will have to wait because Dixie is taking off. It's so incredibly stupid and Tad totally makes it look like Dixie's job is meaningless and she doesn't even get mad. The whole thing was bizarre and David finally gave in to Dixie having the day off. Whatever.

So backing up to when Ed is still loitering around the Church of the Good Shepherd, he hears Alex and Dimitri coming in so he tries to exit out the side. Unfortunately the doors are locked and Ed can't get out and ends up having to hear Alex and Dim discussing their plans to renew their vows. Ed is starting to see red while listening to them and grabs a sledgehammer. He's gripping it so tightly that the wound he had on his hand from punching the bag at the gym reopens and starts to bleed again. Then he starts to hear Alf's voice and freaks out. It seems as though Edmund's rage is opening some old wounds, both figuratively and literally. I think this has potential to be great and I'm already going to give Edmund this weeks PERFORMER OF THE WEEK award. He's spinning out of control and doing it so well that no one seems to notice how bad off he really is.

Last but most certainly not least is the disaster that is Arlene's miscarriage. I'm so pissed off at the writers for this one! This had so much potential, anything could have happened. But as usual, AMC cops out. Of course I'm ahead of myself so let's back up to Arlene having cramps and asking Nessie to take her to the hospital. Just as she's about it, Arlene runs into the bathroom and Winnie, who gets this weeks MAKEOVER THE WEEK award (didn't she look great!?) comes in to see if someone had screamed. Nessie blows her off and sends her on her merry way. Arlene comes back into the parlor to tell Nessie the bad news, she miscarried. I wanted to throw something at my TV right about then. UGH! Nessie tries to comfort Arlene as best Nessie can but compassion isn't exactly her strong suit.

Arlene delusionally tells Nessie that the baby was her way to get to Adam's heart and he would love her, now he's going to end up living happily ever after with Liza. Nessie gets a gleam in her eye and starts to plot about how they might be able to make the miscarriage look like Liza's fault. What a sickening stroke of brilliance by Nessie and Arlene to hold on to that gravy train. The plan is to have Liza come over to discuss Arlene's divorce from Adam. They also need a witness so Arlene calls Waifley to come over, telling her she's decided to let her and Assholeo adopt the baby. After the plan is set in motion, Nessie makes herself scarce.

Liza arrives and Arlene cuts right to the chase telling her that she will divorce Adam if Liza will agree that the baby will be a Chandler. Liza isn't interested in Arlene's little games and manipulations so she tells her no and that Adam will get whatever he wants because, well, he's Adam Chandler. Desperate to have Liza attack her, Arlene grabs a bottle of vodka and says that it's her only friend. Liza doesn't want Arlene to harm her baby so she tries to get the bottle out of her hand. Arlene runs up the stairs with the bottle and Liza follows, trying to get it away from her. Just as Hayley walks in, Arlene and Liza struggle and Arlene falls down the stairs. Definitely this weeks SCENE OF THE WEEK. That was some fall, and Arlene did actually get hurt in it. Adam comes in to see Arlene lying there while Waifley goes to call 911. Adam tells Arlene not to move and Arlene, never missing a beat says, "it's Liza's fault." Liza admits that it is.

At the hospital, Nessie arrives and adds fuel to the fire by blaming Liza and asking her what the hell she was thinking by fighting with someone in Arlene's condition. Oh Nessie, you evil little wench you. Waifley and her Assholeo are sitting in the waiting room waiting for word on if Arlene and the baby are OK and she shows him a necklace she bought, an emerald, which would have been the baby's birthstone because she would have been born in May. Did that strike anyone else as odd? I mean it just seems like a strange thing to do, and asking for something bad to happen. What if the baby didn't miscarry but was premature and born in April? Anyway, the doctor comes out and tells them that Arlene has a slight concussion, a dislocated shoulder and that she did lose the baby. Everyone is upset and shocked except for Assholeo who doesn't think Arlene ever had plans to give them the baby anyway. Of course she didn't, but nice compassion Assholeo!

Adam breaks the news to Arlene and tries to comfort her. Arlene gives him her story about Liza causing her fall. Adam doesn't know what to make of that.

One small little kudo to AMC for FINALLY putting some other faces in the promos for the halfway point and the end of the show. Liza, Tramplee, Leo, Ryan and Gillian are welcome additions!

This weeks AMC gets a C- I'm liking Edmund's downfall, but I'm extremely pissed that Arlene miscarried. Boo hiss AMC, missed opportunities!