The Pine Valley Bulletin

Welcome to Pine Valley's only online newspaper!

Established 1998


November 5, 2003

Well boys and girls, it's time to take a good hard look at the going on in Pine Valley. Let's motivate. In the 5 disc changer today I have Suicidal Tendencies "Prime Cuts" in honor of recently seeing Mike Muir (the lead singer) get a home makeover on the Discovery Channel's "Monster House." Next we have "Punk You - Vol. 1" a fine compilation of old school punk tunes. And the rest are live cds... The Clash "From Here to Eternity Live, Social Distortion "Live at the Roxy," and "The Damned "Live."

How stupid do things have to get!? It wasn't bad enough that we have a character whose name is Babe, but now her mother is Krystal Carrington!? Please, PASS ME THE HANDBAG right now! Yeah yeah, I heard Babe (heretofore known as The Gutter Snipe... I just can't bring myself to call anyone Babe and Adam referred to her by this pet name so it's as good as any I can come up with!) say her mothers name was Hazel, but she changed it. That doesn't make it any less dumb.

So raise your hand if JR marrying The Gutter Snipe reminds you of Adam marrying Arlene. Hell they even have the same taste in clothes. And The Gutter Snipe even got wise to it. Not as stupid as she looks huh? Then again, maybe she is. She had sex with Jamie her first night in town. For Jamie's part, he's the guy, he was looking to hook up. But The Gutter Snipe, well...she's a tramp! Double standard? Absolutely. Jamie isn't the one who's married. Poor Jamie... bitten and smitten. It was the night of his young mans lustful dreams. He meets a hot looking gutter snipe who is more than eager to take him back to her motel room. She leads him on, they have some fun, steal a cow, and then do the deed all night while she claims to be inexperienced. Yeah honey, that's what all the gutter snipes say. And Jamie is so taken that he buys her a lovely gold cow bracelet.

I've read that The Gutter Snipe is supposed to be 19 years old. I suppose that's what JR is at this point too, although he looks and seems a little older than that. Ages on AMC, they always confuse me. If it were real time, JR would be 14 and Jamie would be 12. Wow! That's kooky. But I digress. The Gutter Snipe and Jamie have agreed to keep their tryst from JR. The odds are stacked against them though. First, JR is at Brooke's when Big Benny from Benny's Beef in a Bun or whatever the heck it was called, came to confront her about stealing his cow. Say huh!? Brooke steal a cow!? Benny's proof is her license plate number. JR starts to piece it together. The cow is in his and The Gutter Snipe's bedroom. She must have either been with, or gotten the cow from Jamie.

Racing back to Chandler Mansion at the speed of light, JR confronts Jamie and The Gutter Snipe. Jamie starts to spin this outlandish tale of how he got the cow, stealing it for Carrie.. the girl he hooked up with, but then ended up tossing it out the window near the airport. The Gutter Snipe picks up the story there saying that she saw it on the side of the road and had her cab driver stop so she could get it. OK... raise your hand if you think Carrie will show up at some point and dispute this story. I'd have to guess that JR isn't stupid enough to really believe this bovine tale. But the minute his back is turned, The Gutter Snipe is sticking her tongue down Jamie's throat to thank him for covering for her.

And if JR's suspicions aren't bad enough, Mary Smythe overheard Jamie and The Gutter Snipe talking on the patio the night that JR introduced her to the family. They didn't actually give anything away, but it was clear they were hiding something. To get in her sugar daddy, Adam's, good graces, Mary has made it her mission to find out what Jamie and The Gutter Snipe are hiding. And if that means sticking her own tongue down a 17 year olds throat, then by God, she'll do it!

JR takes his new bride to BJ's to show her off and what the hell... food and drinks for all on daddy, is what he says to the crowded restaurant. JR calls the press to come for a photo op. He's trying to get under Adam's skin, and it's working. But Adam remains cool as the proverbial cucumber, smiling for the cameras and welcoming his new daughter in law to the family. And while all are partying and having fun, Adam broods in one corner while Jamie broods in the other.

The Gutter Snipe spots THE Erica Kane with Pops in Law Adam and is so star struck that JR takes her over to meet Erica. The Gutter Snipe gushes over her, which Erica can never get enough of. Once she and JR go off to mingle with others, Mary pops in to zing Erica with, "You must be so pleased to see your influence on such a trashy little girl Erica." And not missing a beat, our Ms. Kane zings her one right back with this weeks LINE OF THE WEEK.... "Oh Mary, I'm sure it's nothing compared to the thrill you feel when the high school boys hockey team bus pulls into town." Erica 1, Mary 0.

Later, The Gutter Snipe gets all tarted up for her man. Here is where the Arlene similarities come in. The Gutter Snipe even dresses like her! It's all starting to fall into place, that JR married her to piss off his father, just like Adam marrying Arlene to alienate his family. When JR suggests they go make love in Adam's bed since Winnie is changing their sheets, The Gutter Snipe gets very angry and accuses JR of using her to upset his father. JR is shocked that The Gutter Snipe can be this intuitive, but covers it by saying he'd never use her. He insists that he loves her and that is the only reason he married her, he wants to show her off and promises that Adam will accept her. To prove how much he loves her, he takes her up to the bedroom where they proceed to boink for days.

Carlos and Greenlee were struck by a car, ironically it wasn't the work of the Argentinean street gang that is after Carlos. Carlos remains in a coma, but Greenlee has awoke. She remembers that she had recently told Juan Pablo that she was falling in love with him so, concussion and all, she gets out of bed and goes to try and find him. Greenlee honey, your head will be throbbing uncontrollably later! She wants to know what happened to her, so Tad, who has becoming joined at the hip with JP, tells her that she and Carlos were struck by a car and that Carlos saved her life by pushing her out of the way. Greenlee wants to help, but JP rejects her and accuses her of leaking information about him and Carlos being brothers to the tabloids (really Mary did it and they all know it). JP is not doing Greens any favors by being so cruel, as he tells her that Carlos' blood is on her hands. Greenlee is devastated. She doesn't know that JP is really just trying to protect her. Tad keeps urging JP to be honest, but he feels it's better to treat her like dirt so she will want nothing to do with him. Whatever. JP gets this weeks DIXIE COONEY MARTIN COMMEMORATIVE SLAP OF THE WEEK for treating Greenlee that way.

Tad and JP have Carlos moved to a remote area of the hospital (that everyone and their brother seems to knwo about) so the thugs cannot find him. Maria helps them by keeping close tabs on Carlos' progress. So far, there is no progress.

So we know that Erica and David are playing kissy face for an alibi, but have you noticed how much David seems to be enjoying himself? He finds any reason at all to lock lips with Erica. It's pretty funny actually.

Believing that Erica has left him for David, Mary makes her move on Jack, again. Jack nips it right in the bud and pulls out an old favorite, informing her that he would rather gargle glass than ever be with her again. Jack 1, Mary 0.

Kendall and Ryan were really going at it hot and heavy for awhile there. It's looking like the deed will be done when suddenly Kendall stops herself. She goes and gets the ring he gave her and tells him how the day he proposed to her was the happiest day of her life. This is all very good.. they needed closure on their relationship so that anything new or not, could begin. They had to clear the air. Kendall asks him why he left her like he did, why he never gave her a chance to explain. Ryan tells her that it wasn't her but it was everything in his life, and he needed to make changes. It was his fault, not hers. All this time she blamed herself for him leaving, but you know what, she certainly wasn't innocent when she was taking her top off for Aidan!

And speaking of joined at the hip, Derek and ADA Justin McCoy seem to be just that. Maybe they're going to be the next supercouple! First they go hand in hand to question Lena about the night of MichaelCambias' disappearance. Everyone knows she threatened MichaelCambias in public. They leave without getting anywhere since Lena has no real alibi, just that she stayed in. But after they leave, Junior G-Man Aidan shows up with some questions of his own. He seems to be trying to get Lena to admit to something, but before Lena can say too much, Maggie arrives with Bianca. They are not too pleased that Aidan seems to be trying to pin the murder on Lena, to save Kendall. Maggie and Bianca remind Aidan that they both have motive too. Once Aidan leaves, Lena tells Bianca that she should not feel guilty about whoever killed MichaelCambias, if they killed him for her. She tells her that killing him would be a privilege and that prison is a reward for a job well done. Eh... creepy.

So off the two headed Derek/Justin monster go to their next target...Kendall. They get to the courtyard outside the Kendall's condo just in time to hear Kendall and Ryan arguing and Kendall telling Ryan that she wouldn't mind if he followed MichaelCambias to hell and hey, she'd help him get there if he needed it. Smooth move Kendall, you just threatened Ryan in public and the Chief and the ADA heard ya. Ryan, being more quick on the uptake than Kendall, puts on a show for them by telling Kendall once and for all they are over and she should stop begging him to come back. Kendall, who is still not in on the scam, goes into her condo in a huff. Derek and Justin link arms and walk off into the sunset.

When Kendall comes back out she questions what the heck Ryan was doing claiming that she begged him to come back so he explains it to her like she's a 4 year old. She gets it finally but tells him she doesn't need his help and that she set it all in motion. She tells Ryan exactly what she did... or at least, what she wants everyone to think she really did. She regales Ryan with the tale of how MichaelCambias used her to get to Enchantment and when she figured out what was going on, she teamed up with Erica to stop him. She tells him they didn't know he'd stoop to going after Bianca, but they should have realized it, considering he went after both of them. She was so angry that he didn't go to prison and knowing his days were numbered (oh yes, someone would do him in for this), she went to him with a proposal so she could get her hands on what matters most to him... his money and power. So she married him, got his power of attorney and got it all.

Unmoved by the tale, Ryan goes into MichaelCambias' condo, which technically is now his since he's heir to all. He spots the forensic evidence on the wall and calls Kendall in to see it. In the dark, you can see the luminal on the wall which indicates a blood spatter... come on, don't you watch CSI!? Suddenly Ryan goes into a crazed sneezing fit and can't stop, thinking he must be having an allergic reaction to the luminal. Kendall gets Ryan some of MichaelCambias' antihistamines, since he too suffered from allergies. Ryan is reluctant to take any pills found in MichaelCambias' place, but decides to take a couple after the sneezing persists. After Kendall leaves, he takes a couple more. Hey if you didn't see this as a recipe for disaster, you aren't paying close enough attention! Ryan starts to experience shortness of breath, as in... he can't breathe at all, and blurred vision. He tries to get Kendall's attention, to no avail, and passes out on the floor.

Junior G-Man Aidan goes to his next target... Boyd. Gee, where the heck has Boyd been hiding anyway!? It's been quite awhile since we've seen him. Aidan informs him that he knows that he disappeared the same night that MichaelCambias did. Boyd tries to get tough and tells Aidan he should stop butting in, but Aidan then informs him that he knows that Kendall's Vegas witnesses have disappeared. Aidan wants to know what Boyd knows about it and why they got rid of those witnesses. Boyd has no answers for Aidan so he heads back to MichaelCambias' condo to try and find more clues. Instead what he finds is an unconscious Ryan and rushes him to the hospital.

Maria works on Ryan in the ER and has the allergy pills tested. They find that the pills contained insect poison. Wouldn't you know, the dynamic duo of Derek and Justin are at the hospital already because they need to ask Reggie some questions, so they head over to the ER to find out what all the hubbub is. They get the pill bottle from Maria to get it tested for prints.

Once Ryan is awake again, Aidan goes to see him and asks him who gave him the pills. Ryan admits that it was Kendall. Aidan and Ryan team up to cover this up for Kendall. So when the gruesome twosome arrives back at the hospital to question Ryan, now knowing that both Ryan's and Kendall's prints are on the bottle, Ryan has some work to do. You see, Derek and Justin both heard Kendall threaten Ryan earlier that day. Even they realize this makes Kendall the most likely suspect. Ryan tells them that he got the pills from the woman he once loved then launches into some story like he's suffering from some kind of psychosis. Maria enters and confirms that the poison may indeed cause a reaction like this. But when Justin pulls out the old... you will be charged as an accessory if this isn't true card, Ryan gives up the rouse and tells them that Maria had nothing to do with it. Justin then offers Ryan MichaelCambias' time of death in exchange for information on who gave him the pills. That will be something that Ryan won't be able to resist!

Reggie is determined to get Jack and Erica back together and goes to each of them separately. He tells Jack that he understands why he was so angry with Erica for keeping the information about Greenlee being his daughter from him, but it's time to forgive her and get married. He doesn't like that Erica is canoodling with David. What he doesn't know is that Jack knows that Erica and David are faking it, even though David likes to deny it. So when Reggie sees David and Erica together, he hauls off and socks him one in the jaw! Wow, it was pretty cool. Go Reggie! Once he has Erica alone, he tells her that the way back to Jack's heart is to make nice with Greenlee. So Erica goes into Greenlee's room with Reggie and proceeds to tell her off and goads her into a fight. Reggie is shocked, but Jack is thrilled and privately he tells Erica that being provoked is exactly what Greenlee needs. Then he asks her to stay with Greenlee for awhile. She does. She even helps Greenlee up to go use the bathroom. And just when I thought the people in Pine Valley were immune to bodily functions!

As a gift, Maggie gives Bianca a baby book to record all those wonderful firsts that she'll have to share with her child. She tells her that the baby is hers to love and to raise. Bianca is moved by such a sweet gift. And the two head off to the clinic where David is going to give Bianca her first sonogram...which will be the babies first photo for the book. It's all so sweet... aside from the ick factor that David is Bianca's ob/gyn.

Back at her apartment with that weirdass 4 breasted, 3 eyed portrait on her wall, Bianca looks at the sonogram photo of her baby. You know, she keeps calling the baby she... but I suspect the baby will be a boy (and of course, be named Travis). Kendall arrives to apologize for Aidan questioning her. She quickly hides the baby book but it doesn't take Kendall long to spot it once Bianca goes to the kitchen to make some tea for them. Bianca tries desperately to cover, but it's clear to Kendall that Bianca is lying and realizes that she did not terminate her pregnancy after all. Bianca gives in and admits to Kendall that she is still pregnant and is going to have the baby, then tells her about the stupidest plan in all the land... leaving town before she gets too big and coming back with a new baby that she will claim to have adopted. She tells Kendall that she does not want her baby looked down on or associated with MichaelCambias in any way. Kendall realizes that Bianca's baby is really the Cambias heir, not her or Ryan, and urges Bianca to come clean with it so they can get Enchantment back for Erica and Ryan will get nothing. But Bianca says no way, she doesn't want anyone to know that her child is MichaelCambias' and doesn't care about the money.

Hold on to your hats, here comes the SCENE OF THE WEEK. Bianca tells Kendall that she kept the baby because of her and how supportive she was when she was trying to make the most difficult decision of her life. She goes on to say that this baby will be proof that something good can come out of something so horrible and that this child will have all the things that Kendall never had. She tells Kendall she has the strength to go through with it because of her. As Kendall and I start to weep, Kendall realizes that she is going to be an aunt... so Bianca takes her hand and places it on her belly to feel the niece or nephew growing inside her. Oh my, what is it about those Kane women that just sends me into crying fits!

Kendall offers Bianca her help, but Bianca refuses, telling Kendall that she has enough to deal with. But Kendall insists, telling her that her plan will not work and that she should just come clean with Erica. Kendall tells her that Erica will figure it out. She cannot get away with it. Bianca brushes it off and tells her that she'll figure it all out somehow, but that Erica can never ever know about it. And guess who is at the door and heard that last part... Erica of course! Erica demands to know what it is that she can never know, so Kendall covers for Bianca by telling Erica that Bianca is planning on studying abroad for awhile. Clearly Erica isn't buying this load of crap.

Last but certainly not least we have Tad nosing around Palmer's plane for clues. He suspects that Adam and Palmer were up to something the night MichaelCambias disappeared. It doesn't take him long to find a patch of blood on a pillow inside the plane. While he's checking it out, Palmer, Adam and Opal arrive and want to know what he's doing. Tad asks them where the blood came from. Opal seems to be window dressing in this scene...I can't figure out why she's there. But Adam and Palmer won't talk. This was really dumb, but Tad starts to dump out Palmer's stash of scotch so Palmer gets antsy and Adam admits the blood is his. Wait a galldarn minute here... all he had to do was spill out a little scotch?? Couldn't Palmer always buy more scotch? That was just too stupid for words. But that's besides the point, we're getting to some good stuff here. Palmer claims that he shot Adam in the plane because, get this, Adam said he dyed his eyebrows!!! And to prove it is Adam's blood, Adam pulls off his shirt and shows Tad the bullet hole.

Tad believes that PC shot Adam, but he knows they are still lying because he knows they called MichaelCambias from a pay phone nearby and wants to know why. He also doesn't buy the part about Palmer shooting Adam over the dyed eyebrow comment. They deny they called MichaelCambias at first, but then Tad fills them in on a little scenario he came up with. He tells them that they wanted to lure MichaelCambias to the jet and then get him up in the air only to toss him out of the plane without a chute. The problem was, MichaelCambias never showed up. Adam admits this is true and that they waited for hours. Then we get the flashback.... Adam had a gun and PC is nervous, he doesn't want Adam to use it while they are in the air. They struggle with the gun and as PC falls backward with the gun in his hand, it goes off and he shoots Adam in the shoulder. Palmer then goes on to say that after he shot Adam, he dug the bullet out himself with a knife so they wouldn't have to go to the ER and explain a gunshot wound. After spinning this tale, Adam has had enough and says he's leaving. Once out the door of the plane, we see a rather dubious expression on his face. Are they telling the truth? I don't think so, and neither does Tad! But one thing is certain... Adam and Palmer are this weeks PERFORMERS OF THE WEEK. Kudos to AMC for putting these two together in a storyline again!

This weeks AMC gets a B+ I am still enjoying the murder mystery. I have found it to be very well done, very interesting and it keeps me guessing! When AMC can do that, I have to give them their due. I'm also loving the Adam/Palmer team up, the Bianca/Kendall bonding and the fact that Lena is getting more airtime. Now... more Brooke, more Marian and less Gutter Snipe!


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