The Pine Valley Bulletin

Welcome to Pine Valley's only online newspaper!

Established 1998


November 21, 2000

First things first, this Editorial will discuss this week's spoilers, what will happen and what might happen, as well as the previous week of activity. If you don't want to know what's going to happen, then please read no further. Most of the speculation and spoiler is probably at the end, but I can't guarantee that. I'm doing this for a number of reasons, 1) because I'm not writing an Editorial next week and b) I'm so annoyed by some of the things that are happening this week that I need to vent. So, there is your warning. Thanks!

Dimitri walks in on Edmund at the mausoleum yelling and screaming for someone to get out of his head. When Dimitri confronts him, he tries to cover by telling Dimitri that he took his house out from under him, but Dim knows there is more to it. Edmund tells him that he wished that Hugo had taken the secret of their brotherhood to his grave. I kind of thought that he did take that secret to the grave. It wasn't Hugo who told them they were brothers, it was Helga. But that's besides the point. Dim goes to meet Alex at the Valley Inn for whatever meal of the day it is and tells her what just happened. Worried, Alex leaves to go call Brooke and ask her to find Edmund and make sure he's OK.

When last we saw Erica, she was sucking down a soda that David had spiked with Libidozone to give to Tad. She suddenly turns into a sex kitten and oozes seduction all over the room. She starts to come on to Jack who plays along mainly to keep David at bay. Suddenly just the attention of two men isn't enough. Erica decides to put on a show, right in the middle of the Valley Inn dining room. Seeing not one, not two, but three of her former lovers in the room sends Erica into some kind of frenzy. I wonder if she's thinking about being the meat in the middle of big old Dagwood type sandwich made of Jack, David and Dimitri. She turns up the heat on an old Cole Porter classic and sings "It's Alright with Me" to the men while the entire dining room stares at her with jaws dropped.

In the meantime, at Erica's house, Rain has popped over for a visit. Somehow that girl always seems to know when Bianca isn't at school. As they talk, Rain admits to Bianca that she is gay and knew that Bianca was too. After Bianca confirms this, she tells Rain that her mother doesn't know and must never know. Rain tries to tell Bianca that she should tell her mother the truth and then relates her own experience. Her mother kicked her out and never wanted to see her again, which is how Rain ended up being a homeless runaway. Now there's a real convincer, good job Rain! Of course, she does then tell Erica that there is no way that Erica would ever do that to her, which is true, but Bianca doesn't feel that way.

Suddenly Leo and Laura show up to show Bianca the photos that she took during the photo shoot at SOS. Of course 18 year old Laura is a photographic genius and her pictures came out better than the professional photographers. Isn't it amazing how, two years ago, she never picked up a camera. In fact, she shuddered at the thought of a camera after her experience as a teen porn queen. Now she's a prodigy and on her way to fame and fortune. Leo and Bianca feed into her ambition and decide to take the photos to Erica at the Valley Inn and pitch Laura as the photographer for their next shoot. Uh huh... sure, no problem.

After her number, Jack tries to get her to leave with him but David swoops in. Never missing an opportunity for a boink, David takes Erica up to his room where she proceeds to immediately tear his clothes off. She is all over David and in some part of her mind she can't understand why but doesn't really care either. She's got an itch and it needs to be scratched. David is only too happy to oblige.

When Bianca, Laura and Leo arrive the Valley Inn, they are told that David took her up to his room and for some unusual reason, they think it's because she doesn't feel well. But that theory quickly changes when they hear Erica screaming in ecstasy. Leo and Laura seem to be amused by it all, but Bianca is mortified and runs out. In typical Leo fashion, he runs after her but not before getting one last listen in.

In the afterglow, Erica is starting to come back down to earth and is feeling a bit of regret for her latest David boink and tells David that she feels like she was drugged. David won't let her go there and tells her that she was just overcome and they wanted each other. Erica isn't completely convinced of that and tells David to stay away from her.

After she leaves, David calls up geeky Gordon the lab tech and tells him he needs him to cook him up another batch of Libidozone. Let's see, first David gets it from a lab in California that is doing the testing on it, now old Gordo can just make it up for him. Interesting big of, for lack of a better term, dramatic license.

Back at home, Leo and Laura try to tell Bianca that it's no big deal. But Bianca really doesn't want to talk about this and is feeling a bit uncomfortable in the knowledge that her mother is big skanky ho. When Erica arrives home, she sees Leo first and tries to tell him that he should be discreet and not let Bianca know what he heard. Leo, who would never let an opportunity to throw out a barb replies with, "Oh you mean when you gave new meaning to the phrase 'the doctor is in?'" Ladies and Gentlemen, you have just heard our LINE OF THE WEEK. Erica rolls her eyes at him but Bianca walks in and tells her she heard her. Now it's Erica's turn to be mortified.

After leaving the Valley Inn, Dimitri finds Alex and Edmund at the mausoleum and walks in just in time to hear Edmund telling her that he still loves her. Dim goes nutso and accuses Alex of having an affair with Edmund. Alex tries to explain what is going on and tells Dim that Edmund has been seeing visions of Alf. Dim is immediately understanding and only wants to help Eddie get through this trying time in his life. But unfortunately for Dimitri, he says the exact wrong thing when he tells Edmund that he and Alex will do everything they can to help him and will take care of Sam and Maddie while he is recovering. Ut oh, this isn't good. Edmund jumps all over that comment and tells him that he will never take his children. And then, in his PERFORMER OF THE WEEK moment, Edmund turns to Alex and asks how she was able to forget him so easily. When he asks her if she ever loved him at all, she tells him that she did. I thought it was incredibly moving and heart wrenching. Edmund seems so lost. After Edmund leaves, Dimitri tells Alex that Ed is unstable and that she should stay away from him. But Alex tells him she will not turn her back on Edmund when he needs them most.

At the gallery, Stuart is putzing around when Arlene arrives and asks for his help. She pleads with him to talk to Hayley and urge her to give Arlene another chance. Arlene tells Stuart that he's the only one who can help her. But even Stuart has his limits and tells Arlene that it's time for her to stop taking and give instead. He tells her she should move on and give everyone some time and space. Marian comes in and finds Arlene there and throws her out on her ear. But before she walks out the door, Stuart whispers to her that he does care about her and that when she is settled to call him. He is a caring and sweet man and doesn't want Arlene to feel like she's totally alone in the world. What a guy.

For some reason, Palmer decided to be extravagant and gives Nessie a $500,000 pearl necklace. I'd give this a big old meaningless drivel of the week, but that necklace and the price of it comes up a few more times. Nessie goes up to her room and shows the cleaning lady her necklace. Little does she know that Arlene is in the room. Once the maid leaves, Arlene makes her presence known and tell Nessie she needs help and wants $100,000. Nessie pretty much just laughs in her face. Well Arlene's had enough of this kind of treatment and attacks Nessie. As the two of them are rolling around on the bed in some kind of whacko catfight, Palmer walks in. He's rather amused by the whole scene but tells Arlene to get out.

Next thing we see is Arlene trying to charm a waiter at the Valley Inn into getting her into the yacht party. The young man says no way, but you know that with Arlene, where there is a will there is a way!

I don't want to go there, but it's time to head to the Martin's living room. Gillian is suddenly a domestic goddess and is making dinner for Jake and Joe. I guess there isn't much to Grandma Kate's meatloaf recipe because Gilly didn't ruin it. While she's in the kitchen tending to it, Jake discusses his desire to test Libidozone but Joe tells him that it's dangerous, unapproved and he should stay away from it. Might I interject here and teach these two doctors something? Jake was shot in the back, suffered nerve damage and is now has a physical problem technically known as no boner. I'd like to stress the word PHYSICAL. Now, Libidozone is a drug that releases a person's inhibitions and desires. This is not the problem that Jake has and the drug would not make him get a boner. If I know this, why is it that the two doctors discussing it don't! It's yet another example of the writers of AMC thinking their viewers are morons. I really hate that. Is anyone on that writing staff paying attention? Hello? I hear voices but no ones home!!!

As if things weren't bad enough, big bad Tad shows up to inform Joe that he's filing a sexual harassment suit against David. While they are talking about it, Dixie shows up and tries to talk Tad out of it. Using reason and logic, two things that Tad doesn't seem to understand lately, Dixie tells him that she was not a victim and kissed David back willingly. Tad can't stand to hear that. Joe interjects at this point and tells Dixie that David is still to blame for this whole mess, even if she did respond. What is that about? The old, he's older and should know better logic? Well it goes from bad to worse when Gillian pulls Dixie out of the room and tries to comfort her. She tells Dixie that she should go along with the suit because everything is David's fault and that he should pay for it. Dixie (and me too) don't quite understand what she means since she responded, so how is that David's fault. Gilly tells Dixie that she felt what David wanted her to feel and that is not her fault. Excuse me!? Does the idea that David can control her mind make Dixie feel better about it? Wake up Gillian! You and Dixie both wanted David and you are both responsible for those feelings. Take some responsibility for your own actions please.

Joe Martin, voice of reason, tells Tad that what he really needs to do is forgive Dixie and move on. Tad doesn't really want to hear that he needs to forgive her when he would rather just sue David. But Joe tells him that she's done it for him, numerous times, and it's now his turn. Thank you Joe!

At home, Tad isn't yet ready, willing and able to let David off the hook for Dixie's tongue going down his throat. Dixie apologizes again for the whole David thing while Junior listens from the other room. Once Tad leaves the room, Junior goes in to confront Dixie and asks her what David did to her. She tries to blow it all off and tells him it's because she quit her job. Junior is no dummy though and knows there is more to it and tells her to stop treating him like a baby and tell him the truth. When he asks her if she and Tad are breaking up again, Dixie spills it all in hopes that she can show him that they can work through it without splitting. Hearing Dixie tell Junior how much she loves Tad and their family and how they are her whole world makes something snap in Tad and he then forgives her. I think this bliss will last for about a day.

Back at the Martin's, this weeks MEANINGLESS DRIVEL OF THE WEEK occurs when Ryan shows up to get Jake's signature on some documents that have to do with the fundraiser. Ryan apologizes for having a press conference about the party. I can't for the life of me figure out why he does that, doesn't Jake want publicity and funding for his program? At any rate, the whole thing was mainly so Ryan and Gillian can stare at each other in that dopey moony-eyed way some more.

When Ryan leaves, Jake tells her that he is going to test Libidozone on himself and explains to her how it works. He neglects to inform her that it won't work on him. Gilly isn't keen on the idea anyway and urges him to not try it.

In an effort to make up with Tramplee, Leo goes to Nessie for a favor (ie, money). He wants to surprise Tramplee with some extravagance since that's about the only thing she responds to. When Tramplee arrives, he blindfolds her and takes her to the honeymoon suite of the Valley Inn then tells her that he's taking her to Ryan's yacht party. She's so ecstatic and the two make love. But the afterglow isn't all it's cracked up to me. Tramplee assumes that Leo's attentiveness is actually him committing to moving in with her. Unfortunately this is not the case and Leo tells her that he is not ready. Tramplee gets pissed off and leaves in a huff.

Back at the Valley Inn, David's plan has no escalated to drugging Tad with Libidozone at the yacht party and having Leslie seduce him, so he asks Leslie to go as his date. When he tells her that she wants him to play up to Tad, I almost die laughing! Get this idiotic junior high conversation... Leslie tries to tell David that Tad is not interested in her. But in order to reel he into his plan, David tells Leslie that Dixie once confided in him about Leslie. It seems, according to David, that during a game of Truth or Dare or some other lunacy, Tad's question was if he had to be unfaithful, who would he have sex with. Tad's reply was Leslie Coulson. OK, in case you weren't following, this is a story that David made up to convince Leslie that Tad is interested in her. The most hilarious part of this is that Leslie believed it!!!

Blah blah blah, Ryan tells David he's not invited but David assures him that he is and that he's representing the Andrassy Foundation. Blah blah blah, Ryan asks Hayley to do a feature for Wave from the party. Blah blah blah, Alex tells Edmund that Dimitri is worried about Edmund hurting her so if he would just go see his shrink a few more times a week so that his progress could speed up, she'd be ever so grateful.

Now it's confront David time! First we have Tad. He goes, with Joe, to tell David that he is not going to pursue a lawsuit. Joe gets called away on an emergency, conveniently, giving David an opening to start taunting Tad about Dixie being a willing participant in his game of tonsil hockey.

Next we have Erica. She goes to see David and wants to know what the hell happened and why she doesn't remember. She tells David she feels like she was drugged. David tells her that she's just an insatiable ho who is addicted to his love pump. Erica doesn't appreciate his callousness very much and again tells him to stay away from her and walks out in a huff. Only to have the next David confronter walk in. It's Geeky Gordon the lab tech, and he heard Erica tell David that she felt like she was drugged. Gordon gets very nervous and asks David if he used Erica as a guinea pig. David tells him that he doesn't want to be a part of his sick games anymore and is going to turn him in.

David assures him that he will help him and turning him in is not an option since if he goes down, Gordo goes down with him. Gordon says fine, he won't turn him in, but he wants the remaining drugs back. David laughs at him so Gordon leaves with his tail between his legs. Once he leaves, David pours Libidozone into a flask while Alex watches him.

Eliot goes to Tempo to tell Brooke that he is going to Ryan's party. Brooke could care less about this piece of information. Eliot tells her that if she minds him being there, he won't go. Brooke tells him to go, she doesn't care. Laura is pissed though, she thinks Brooke should tell him off. Brooke tells her that Eliot has to live with what he did and they all need to move on. But letter she tells Edmund she has not released her anger and knows he hasn't either.

The party of the century aboard the SS Fidelity (oh brother) is about to get underway. Hayley shows up early with her crew and as usual, she looks half naked. The outfit is a bit much, or less I should say, for Pennsylvania in November. And at the Martin's, Gillian and Dixie are getting ready. Gillian looks awesome as usual. She's got a bit more hair than she did the previous day, but I like it. And the dress looks like the dress she wore as a bridesmaid in Hayley and Mateo's wedding with a nip and tuck. It's exactly the same color. Dixie on the other hand, what is up with the flapper 'do? And did anyone else get a serious sense of deja vu when she came down wearing that dress with that hair? I swear I've seen her in this whole get up once before.

Arlene, who looks like she raided Janet from Another Planet's box of disguises, sneaks onto the boat as a waitress. She plots to steal Nessie's big gaudy necklace.

Accessory of the evening, shawl to match your gown.

After arriving at the bashola with Jake, a cameraman knocks into Gillian, causing her to drop an hors'doeuvre on her dress. She goes to a stateroom to blot it with some club soda before it leaves a nasty stain. Wouldn't you know it, she walks into the stateroom that Ryan is getting dressed in and he's only half dressed. Moony-eyed stares ensue.

Tramplee arrives at the party, looking fab I have to say, with some insignificant schlub named Bill that she is using to make Leo jealous. Leo retaliates this childish game with Laura. Bianca is not at all thrilled with all this game of making the other jealous. In fact, she looks a bit jealous herself. Might she have a wee bit of a crush on Laura?

Adam corners Liza, who is in yet another black coat dress and pops the big question with an enormous rock! Liza pretends she's not impressed, but who wouldn't be! That thing can be used as an anchor!

The party gets into full swing and starts to float out into the Pine Valley ocean.

Out on the deck, Dimitri and Edmund confront each other. Dimitri tells Edmund that no matter what happens, they will always be brother. Dim wants to help him and has talked to a doctor at Oakhaven who is willing to help him. Edmund goes ballistic and tries to attack Dimitri, but it's Brooke to the rescue and she stops it before it can turn too ugly.

Meanwhile, Alex catches David trying to slip Libidozone into Tad's drink and asks him what he's up to. David covers by saying he was just freshening up his drink. Alex tells him she knows what he's up to and she's going to tell Joe. David tries to turn the tables, but Alex goes out to find Joe anyway. Next thing we know, someone comes up behind Alex and that is the last we see of her for quite awhile while Finola Hughes is on maternity leave. Who was it? David? Nah... he's too busy at the moment, which I'll get to in a minute. Was it Edmund? Well that's the obvious choice since Edmund has suddenly disappeared. But I don't think it is. I think it was Dimitri. I think he snatched Alex himself and whisked her away after seeing Edmund, yet again, display his violent tendencies and try to attack him. He's so worried about Alex that I think he put her in hiding somewhere until Edmund can get the help he needs. And to eliminate suspicion on himself, he keeps asking everyone if they have seen Alex. He even asks Erica, knowing that Erica could give two hoots about Alex! That was all part of the plan. Ask and make sure people see you asking. That is pure speculation on my part.

David makes another attempt to put Libidozone in Tad's drink, but this time someone bumps into him and the whole flask empties into the punch bowl. He's a little upset for a moment that this happened and it almost looks like one of Hayley's cameras caught him doing it on tape. But soon, David is enjoying himself and has Ryan has everyone raise their glass of punch up for a toast, David chuckles and says, "Bottom's up Pine Valley."

I've made no secret of my dislike for the storyline surrounding Libidozone. There are way too many inconsistencies involved with it. But I also understand that sometimes things have to happen, things that we know would never really happen and at the same time insult our intelligence, to accelerate a number of storylines. I suppose that is the purpose of the "Orgy on the Fidelity." What bothers me about it is that they have taken a great and edgy character like David and have turned him into a criminal. He's a doctor for goodness sake's and he drugged a whole shipful of people! I admit, I was very glad when it turned out that he did it accidentally. But after his initial shock that it happened, he got this shit-eating grin on his face and sat back to enjoy everyone going into a drug-induced frenzy! What kind of doctor would drug a whole ship of people with a drug that is not approved by the FDA!!! He has no idea how people will react to it, hell he could have killed someone! It's shoddy writing and lack of research, again! I give the writers of AMC another I NEED TO BE SLAPPED AWARD this week for this piece of idiotic storytelling.

All the things that happen this week because of this Libidozone party are beyond the realm of stupid. If there is anyone on this show who doesn't need an horndog drug it's Arlene, what was the point of showing her drinking it!? And then she crawls in bed with an overly drugged Mateo who thinks she's Hayley. Hayley walks in on this little scene and in turn decides (yes DECIDES) to kill Arlene. David could be held responsible for Arlene's murder since he is the one that slipped them all the drugs! Thankfully, next week we learn that Arlene is alive when she calls Adam. That is the only saving grace in all of this, even though Olivia Birkelund is gone from AMC for now. Will anyone see any repercussions for this? No. Will Hayley be pissed off at Mateo for being in bed with Arlene? Doubtful.

Tramplee tosses Laura overboard in a drug induced haze of jealousy. Repercussions? There will be none because the only one who saw her do it is Bianca and of course Tramplee will play the "I know you're a lesbian and will tell" card, so Bianca will keep quiet.

Jake miraculously gets a boner from a drug that shouldn't be able to do that to him and he and Gillian do the deed. Ryan walks in, gets upset. Later, Gilly comes back after dumping Jake and she and Ryan are doing the deed. Gillian has sex with both Ryan and Jake in one day. What does this mean? Why the obvious guess is that Gillian will be pregnant and we will have yet another "who's the daddy" storyline and again it will involve Jake.

Poor Opal, she takes Libidozone and it's her first chance at actually getting some after being celibate for so long and her voracious appetite turns out to be for food.

Can someone explain to me why Tina is there?

I am quite disgusted with this whole Libidozone story and think that the writers are scraping the bottom of the barrel. I give last week's (and this week's since I'm not writing an Editorial next week) AMC a big fat F!