The Pine Valley Bulletin

Welcome to Pine Valley's only online newspaper!

Established 1998


November 14, 2000

I'm going to make an attempt at an Editorial even though I think I lost a page of notes (or maybe there were just less because of all the interruptions last week). The lateness is due to my job quickly winding down. It is getting more and more difficult to be in the office (to clarify, this website is not my job). But I'm sure you don't want to hear my sob story so I'll just get on with column. Oh and one other thing, I will be taking the weekend of Thanksgiving off from the Editorial. I will get the spoilers posted, but no Editorial the weekend of 11/25.

First off, let's talk about the daily interruptions. I have no problem with interruptions when it is for actual news. But a daily 15 minute interruption to tell us that there is no news (or here in Cleveland when Brad "I'm the King of Weathermen" Sussman needs to tell us that the wind shifted to the west) is just plain ridiculous. But on the bright side, the interruptions also mean 15 minutes less of Dixie sniveling, 15 minutes less of Assholeo's finger in someone's face, 15 minutes less of someone going on a Libidozone bender, 15 minutes less of Tad or Jake getting in someone's face, 15 minutes less of Gillian being a complete moron... you get the picture. Don't you just love that silver lining crap?

For some reason that I cannot fathom, Arlene decided to plant a big smootchy on Assholeo's blinding white teeth. Could anyone really be so drunk that they would want to do that? I guess Arlene was and the funny thing about it is that Assholeo was the one who was disgusted, not Arlene! So he blabs to Hayley the minute she enters the room and Hayley slaps her face and threatens to kill her if she ever touches Assholeo again. At this point Arlene must be thinking that she hopes someone will kill her if she ever touches Assholeo again. But I can't help but think that this is foreshadowing... then again, would Hayley really kill her mother? I sure hope that AMC isn't stupid enough to make an Arlene return impossible (oh like any death is definitive anymore - can you say Mike Roy?). In case you don't know yet, it looks like Arlene's last air date will be on November 22. And it doesn't look like she's going quietly either. But back to the scene, Adam just happens to show up and chime in his two cents about how she should leave Hayley alone. At this point, Assholeo regains control and takes Hayley out of the room by the arm and with the other hand he puts that finger in Adam's face and tells him that none of this would be happening if he weren't such a jackass. Can someone explain to me how Assholeo gets away with calling Adam Chandler a jackass and Adam just hangs his head and says nothing? I just don't get it. Suddenly though, nothing matters as my eyes feast on the studly security guard eye candy. Woof! He ushers Adam and Arlene out of WRCW and Adam is babbling something about Arlene not getting a dime from him. Arlene and I can barely hear Adam speaking because we're staring at the guard.

Later at SOS, Hayley tells Assholeo (who is again doing his job of cutting fruit) she's worried that Arlene may just provoke her too much and she'll lose control. I don't like the sound of that. But Assholeo assures her that she doesn't have it in her. Yeah, neither did Brooke. Hayley leaves and in comes Adam. Assholeo blames him for everything and suddenly Peter Jennings shows up and tells Adam and Assholeo that we still have no President. In the meantime, Arlene goes to Nessie for help and Nessie just laughs at her and tells her she's on her own. Ouch.

The next time we see Peter Jennings, he's in Adam's office telling him and Ryan that we still have no President. Once he leaves, Adam and Ryan resume their conversation which we missed part of. What we do hear is Adam telling Ryan that he'll never get anywhere in life unless he gets even with Jake. I'm a little confused, but Adam explains that every good businessman needs a rival, just like he has in Palmer. Well you could have fooled me. The Adam/Palmer rivalry has been dead for years, much to my dismay. But after Ryan tells Adam that he is over Jellybean and over the whole Jake thing, he quickly realizes he's in denial and asks Adam if he could teach him how to be ruthless. Adam tells him to start by harnessing his power and his passion for Jellybean to crush Jake and take back what is his... Jellybean.

Over in Tad's living room, David and Dixie have just kissed passionately and David is apologizing for it. I'm not sure why he's doing that since Dixie was a willing participant. David tells Dixie that she is his last chance when Dixie hears Tad's car pull up. She pushes David out onto the terrace so Tad won't find David there and blow his stack. Tad isn't really paying much attention to the fact that Dixie is completely freaked out and sniveling so she just blurts out that David was there and that he kissed her. After a little prodding, she admits that she kissed him back. Tad is understandably upset yet a bit over the top with his anger considering his own track record. Dixie reassures him that she loves only him and she would never betray him. Too late babe, you already did. I'm not saying that a kiss is as serious as sleeping with someone, but it is a betrayal nonetheless. Dixie pleads with Tad for his forgiveness. Tad is starting to come around and mentions how it was only one kiss. Well that was enough to give Dixie a serious case of the guilts and she tells Tad about the first kiss. This is about all Tad can take and he storms out. Gee I wonder where he's going.

Over at David's office, Nessie decides to butt her nose in and tell David that he had better leave Tad and Dixie alone. David is not really paying much attention until Nessie reminds him that Dixie is Palmer's niece and that Palmer is on the board at the hospital and could ruin him if he hurts Dixie. Evidently David takes Nessie's advice to heart and calls Jake, Jellybean and Joe to his office. They arrive while Alex and Dimitri are there and David is declaring Dimitri cured and no longer in need of medication. He asks Dimitri and Alex to stay and then apologizes to Jake in front of everyone. David tries to make nice with Jake and tells him that he's retracted the complaint against him. He goes on to explain that he's been working too hard and is planning on taking some time off then offers Jake his hand as a sign of peace. Jake, of course, refuses the apology and the handshake. I can't figure out how Jake even functions with that big chip on his shoulder. First he doesn't accept Adam's apology, now he doesn't accept David's and in a little while he'll be getting in Ryan's face. Now granted, none of these people are actually sincere, but personally I think it makes Jake look like an ass when he cannot accept someone's gesture of peace. And it seems as though Dimitri and Joe think so too when they both chime in that David apologized and should be forgiven. Joe tells them that the incident is over and everyone should move on. You should listen to your father Jake and get over yourself.

Next thing we know, Ryan is meeting with Jake to talk to him about having a fund-raiser for Jake's program for pregnant teens. Jake, of course, is suspicious of Ryan's motives and gets in his face about what is in it for him. Ryan admits that he will get a lot of good publicity for his company but at the same time, it would raise a lot of money and awareness for Jake's program. Jake is all 'tude and this is where I must interject and give Jake this weeks JELLYBEAN ANDRASSY LAVERY MARTIN COMMEMORATIVE SLAP AWARD. I have to say it again, get over you Jake! Jellybean decides she needs to talk to Ryan privately about all this and sends Jake on his merry way. Thank God, I'm getting weighted down myself from the weight of that chip. Once Jake leaves, Jellybean asks him what he's up to, thinking that he's got some big scheme. Ryan assures her that he is up to nothing but business and that he is over her. Out of nowhere, Jellybean brings up Ryan's childhood and he is hiding his hurt like he did then. Ryan basically tells her that he's found a new dream and has moved on. I sure wish that were true and that he really has moved on. Damn that Adam for telling him to fight for her! He's better off without her. Later, Ryan holds a press conference to announce the big bashola fund-raiser, which means Jake must have agreed to it but Peter Jennings is probably the one he told because I sure didn't hear it. Either way, Jake is pissed off that Ryan publicized it. Whatever Jake.

Back at Tad and Dixie's, Tad had just run out and left Dixie sniveling in her slinky lingerie. I find it interesting that Tad never asked her if that was how she was dressed when she and David kissed. Well maybe he did, but Peter Jennings got to hear the answer. Dixie grabs her coat to go after Tad, but it turns out that Liza is at the door and stops her. She is probably the last person that Dixie wants to see, but also very interesting. She keeps trying to get past Liza but Liza is not letting her leave the house in her lingerie and wants to know what is going on. Reluctantly, Dixie tells her that she and David kissed and tries once again to get past her, but Liza stops her again. Ahh, it's a wonderful moment when Liza really reads Dixie the riot act for kissing David after all the years she called Liza a whore and home-wrecker. How's it feel Dix? Shoes on the other foot now huh? Liza goes on to tell her that Tad reinvented himself for her and she should show Tad how much she loves him and their family. Dixie doesn't want to hear any of this, but she really needs to.

Of course, Tad went straight to David's office. David doesn't realize right away why Tad is there and apologizes to him and explains that he had the charges against Jake dropped. But Tad soon tells him that Dixie told him everything and threatens him with a sexual harassment suit, and not just from Dixie but from Amy too. Man that Amy sure has loose lips. David tells Tad that it's fine and dandy with him and when Dixie takes the stand she won't be able to lie and will tell the court that she wanted him just as much as he wanted her. Oh, Tad does not like that but before he goes about beating the crap out of David again, he leaves.

Back home, Tad wants to know when the first kiss happened and Dixie explains when it was and how they were so wrapped up in Dimitri's cure. She tells him that it was the night that she met him at SOS and told him about Dimitri being alive. Suddenly a little light bulb goes off over Tad's head and he realizes that kissing David got Dixie really horny because that was the night she practically boinked him on the dance floor. Oh yeah, I am loving this! St. Dixie finally getting called out on her behavior. Dixie tells Tad to let it go which is a total laugh and a half! I can just see her letting it go if the tables were turned. Yeah sure thing. Tad gets angry and asks Dixie what is missing from their lives that she had to turn to David. Dixie assures him that nothing is missing, but Tad turns around and tells her that he told David she is going to file sexual harassment charges against him. Dixie doesn't want to, but Tad tells her that she will do it. Not cool Tad, suggest... don't order.

David decides to call Leslie and get a defense going just in case Tad wasn't bluffing. When she arrives at his office, she runs into, who else, Nurse Amy. She tells Leslie, who she doesn't know from a hole in the wall, that David is a predator against women. OK Amy hon, kiss your promotion and cushy hours that David promised you in exchange for keeping your mouth shut goodbye! David tells Leslie what is happening and reluctantly Leslie agrees to help him and calls Tad to meet with her. All the while, David is plotting to slip some Libidozone into Tad's drink and have him turn back into the Tad of yesteryear.

At the Valley Inn, Leslie and Tad meet and she tries to talk him out of going through with the sexual harassment charges, telling him that his marriage and his past will go on trial as well. But Tad refuses to back down so Leslie goes to Plan B and tries to come on to him. Tad turns her down flat. Dumb plan Leslie, Tad is a little smarter than to fall for that trick. Turns out that Liza is there and interrupts them, pulling Tad aside and giving David the perfect opportunity to slip the Libidozone into Tad's drink. Liza urges Tad to go home and spend time with Dixie while David sends Leslie to go spy on Tad and Liza's conversation. Once Leslie leaves, David slips the drug into Tad's drink without anyone in the whole dining room seeing him do it. Tad returns without seeing David but when Dixie arrives and David tries to stop her from going to Tad's table, Tad suddenly does see David and grabs Dixie away from him. They leave without Tad ever taking a drink.

Erica, who was having a meeting with testy photographer Bruce, is all upset because he told her that Bianca has no sex appeal and that the photos are terrible. She goes to David's table to talk to him and confide that the pictures were not good and doesn't know what to do. Erica keeps calling a waiter over so she could get some water to take some aspirin for her splitting headache but no waiter ever comes. David only half heartedly listens to her rantings while holding the Libidozone spiked soda in his hand. Finally Erica gets tired of waiting for a waiter, grabs the soda and washes down her aspirin with it.

Now for the rant. This has got to be one of the most idiotic storylines I have ever seen. And that is saying a lot considering how much crap AMC has been throwing at viewers lately. First of all, LIBIDOZONE???? Give me a break. This whole storyline is insane. First of all, this brilliant doctor, David I mean, actually tests a drug on himself! And then he slips it someone else! Oh my this is beyond the realm of ludicrous. And since when does Erica take aspirin!? As an addict recovering from a pain killer addiction, Erica takes absolutely no pain relievers of any kind. Remember when she had her facial surgery and the doctor in Brazil wanted to give her something for the pain, she refused to take anything, even aspirin! Suddenly she's taking it?? UGH! I hate when the writers insult the viewers intelligence with such crap. OK, I feel better now.

MEANINGLESS DRIVEL OF THE WEEK- Adam tells Liza he wants to come back to Chandler Enterprises. Liza tells him they don't want him back. *yawn*

PERFORMER OF THE WEEK goes to Stuart for actually being on for two minutes and immediately noticing that Ryan has changed and that it's because of Adam's influence.

Alex meets with Edmund at the hospital and walks him over to his first appointment with his therapist. I don't know if he actually has the appointment or not, or maybe his therapist is Peter Jennings. Either way, Dimitri lurks in doorways and watches. Later, Dimitri sees Edmund and tells him to stay away from Alex. When Alex and Edmund meet up later, Edmund tells her he can't take the situation the way it is anymore and is going to leave town. Alex tries to talk him out of it. Edmund goes down to the mausoleum to talk to Maria's grave marker (did you notice that Dimitri's had been replaced even though Edmund destroyed it and Dimitri is really alive?). Ed tells Maria that he's taking the kids and leaving and that he's very sorry because he knew she wanted them to grow up there. He says he wishes she were with him and then Alf starts to taunt him and his weakness all over again.

After the photo shoot from hell at SOS, Bianca decides that Erica would never accept a gay daughter, and decides to give the hetero world a try. She asks Leo to make love to her, and Leo is definitely taken aback by that. But he refuses because she's underage and he really doesn't want to go back to jail. Bianca gets upset and runs out. Tramplee had come in just in time to see Bianca bolt. As Leo tries to go after Bianca, Tramplee tries to stop him and delivers this weeks LINE OF THE WEEK #1 when she says, "Did I miss another session of the young lesbian rescue league?" Leo tells Tramplee that he said all the wrong things to Bianca and he needs to make it right. Tramplee then delivers LINE OF THE WEEK #2 when she says, "What is your lesbiette's crisis de jour?" That Tramplee... she's completely not politically correct which makes me like her all the more! I truly believe that political correctness is the downfall of our society. People just need to lighten up and be able to laugh at themselves.

Anyway, Bianca meets up with Muffy, Buffy, Babs and Marcus Studpuppy at BJ's. Marcus offers her some liquor from his flask and she takes it. Isn't there always one (or more) booze hounds in high school who carry a flask? That cracked me up because it's so true! Bianca asks Studboy to take her for a ride and they leave just as Leo and Tramplee arrive. Leo gets worried, while Tramplee makes fun.

At the Boathouse, Bianca gets more and more drunk and starts making out with Marcus. He's a little confused and wants to know why she suddenly changed her mind and wants to be with him. What teenaged hormone raging guy would care why a girl wanted him? That's just silly. He asks her if she's a virgin and Bianca tells him "not exactly" and he asks her what she means. Again I have to say, why would he care!? He's got her right where he wants her and she's willing. Anyway, this quickly turns into the SCENE OF THE WEEK when Marcus tells Bianca that he watches porn so he knows how to please a woman. Bianca breaks into a fit of hysterical laughter and so do I, which is why I made this the scene of the week.

At Erica's, Tramplee is trying to seduce Leo, but he can't get his mind off Bianca and feels like he let her down. Tramplee tells him that he can't solve of Bianca's problems and he shouldn't be so worried just because she's out with a "high school Baldwin." How funny is that!? Leo isn't convinced though so Tramplee leaves in a huff.

Marcus isn't too happy about Bianca's fit of laughter and tells her that the girls were right, she is weird. Just as Bianca is about to get really upset, Leo shows up and Marcus tells him that Bianca is all his and that she's whacked. Marcus takes off and Bianca goes to hurl in the woods.

Leo takes Bianca home and makes her drink some water. I love how he takes care of her. And when he walks her up to her room, Erica spots them and immediately notices that Bianca is drunk. She tries to question her but Bianca gets attitudinal and snotty. Leo tries to take the blame and tells her that he got Bianca a drink at SOS and didn't think that it would be that big a deal. But Erica thinks it's a very big deal and kicks him out. Bianca intervenes and tells her that she did it on her own, Leo took care of her when he found her. She tells Erica that she got drunk because she doesn't want to have to feel anything anymore. Erica demands to know what Bianca means and what is causing her so much pain that she would want to be numb. Bianca clams up so Erica goes to make her some coffee.

Bianca then begs Leo to help her get of out this mess. She suddenly seems completely sober and tells Leo about the physical part of her relationship with Sarah. She tells him how they got to be such close friends, then she fell in love with Sarah. She tells him that Sarah made the first move, but she knew it was coming and it felt so natural and right. Suddenly upset, Bianca asks Leo how Sarah could hurt her so badly. Just then Erica walks in and wants to know who Sarah is and what she did to Bianca. Feeling trapped, Bianca starts to tell Erica the truth with Leo at her side encouraging her and holding her hand. Bianca tells Erica that Sarah was a friend of hers from rehab and that something happened between them. Bianca tries to get Erica to understand what she means but, of course, Erica doesn't let her finish and instead finishes for her. She tells Bianca she knows exactly what she means and it happens to everyone, even to her. She tells her that the first time it happened to her was in high school when Tara Martin stole Phil Brent from her. Lovely use of AMC history there. Erica thinks that Sarah stole Bianca's boyfriend. Talk about delusional! Of course, Erica isn't looking for homosexuality. It would help if she listened to Bianca though. Bianca decides to drop it and says no more.

The next day, Bianca is in hangover hell and stays home from school. She sees her contract with Enchantment and reads that there is a morality clause and panics, thinking that something bad will happen if she is exposed as a lesbian. Leo tries to tell her that nothing will come of it. For some reason, Rain shows up at the house to hang out with Bianca. Rain seems to always know when she'll be in school and when she won't. That's some gift.

Tramplee has a chat with Woody about getting Leo out of Erica's house and away from all the Kane family drama. I bring this up for one reason. During this conversation I saw Germany and I saw France, I saw Tramplee's underpants!

Tramplee surprises Leo by taking him to an empty apartment which looks exactly like Ryan's. Leo seems to notice too because he asks why they are at Ryan's and what she did with all his furniture. Tramplee tells him that it's not Ryan's apartment but it is right above his and she wants them to move in together. Leo says there is no damn way he is going to live right above Ryan after all Tramplee went through with him. Tramplee tells him she wants her, Leo and Happy to be a family. Just then, Peter Jennings arrives and he gets to hear Leo and Tramplee profess their love to each other in the cold and sober light of day and then reminds them that we still have no President. No trauma, no bad berries, neither of them is unconscious. They actually say it and we missed it! But Leo tells Tramplee that when he lives with her he wants to pay his own way and won't move until he can. Tramplee is upset and doesn't understand this at all since he's leeching off Erica. I guess one can't expect Tramplee to understand pride.

This weeks AMC gets a D and by way of explanation all I can say is... Libidozone!?