The Pine Valley Bulletin

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Established 1998


November 1, 1999

How about I cut right to the chase and say how incredibly annoying this whole Ryan/Hayley/Mateo thing is. I hate it. I hate how Stick can't seem to make up her mind. First she's pissed off at Ryan for pushing her towards this TV gig, then she's as excited as could be. I hate how one minute she's all over Ryan, the next minute she's curled in a fetal position on the ground bawling because Mateo caught them. I hate how Ryan cannot leave Stick alone for 30 seconds. I hate how Stick is constantly telling Ryan to leave, and then like a boomerang, he's back. I hate how Stick and Ryan are always lamenting about growing up in alcoholic families. I just plain hate Mateo, period. And in our MOST VOMIT INDUCING SCENE OF THE WEEK, we had Stick and Ryan deciding that it was time to consummate this extremely dysfunctional relationship. In a backdrop of horrid 70's porn music, sappy talk and icky foreplay love words, Ryan and Stick start to disrobe but Stick decides to go slip into something more comfortable. Help me, I'm going to hurl!! Thankfully, Mateo shows up and commits coitus interuptus. I say thankfully because I know I couldn't handle watching a full fledged love scene with Ryan and Stick. Stick is still changing out of her Garanimals and putting on her Barbie nightie, so Mateo and Ryan have a chat. Ryan professes his deep like for Stick, and to emphasize the point, beats on his chest like a gorilla.

Mateo morphs into Assholeo and blames the whole break up of him and Stick on Ryan. I just love how much growth Assholeo has gone through. Nope Assholeo, you didn't do a thing. It's never you. Stick comes down then and tells Assholeo that she's in deep like for Ryan too. Assholeo has a look of devastation about him, but ask me if I care. He leaves and Ryan assumes they will just pick up where they left off, but Stick tells him to go. He does, Stick cries, morning arrives, ta da! It's Ryan, with breakfast. What a guy. Excuse me Ryan, Stick has her own life to lead, why don't you stop trying to lead it too? Ryan tries to get in Stick's underoo's but Stick is having none of it. She explains her feelings to Ryan and how she doesn't want to hurt Assholeo. Ryan once again reminds her of all the horrible things Assholeo has done. It's right here that Ryan earns this weeks I NEED TO BE SLAPPED award. And right on cue, Stick gets pissed off and tells him that she knows how to interpret her own feelings and doesn't need him to tell her how to feel. To show us that he feels bad for making the Stick upset, Ryan beats his chest like a gorilla and walks out. Hey Ryan, don't you have a job to go to?

Over at SOS, Assholeo tells Tina that Stick won't listen to anything he has to say. And I have to ask, why should she? He's a little too volatile for Tina, so she leaves. Enter Gillian. She wants a recipe from Assholeo, so he decides now is the right time to tell her that Ryan and Stick are sleeping together. I guess he didn't learn anything from the last time he jumped to conclusions. Although the Barbie nightie did kind of make for a suspicious look. Assholeo then goes on and on like a wacko about Ryan being a predator, how he lured Stick away from him, how he poisoned her mind. I'm starting to think that Assholeo needs to "relax" for awhile at Oak Haven. He's really got his unhealthy "everyone's out to get me" kind of 'tude. And who would have thunk, Gillian is the voice of reason here. She tells Assholeo that he, Stick and Ryan are all to blame and that until he can face that, nothing will get resolved. You go girl!!

Tina's back and this time she's got mail. There's some for Assholeo, there's some for Stick and hey, there's some for Ryan too. Assholeo decides to commit a felony and destroys Ryan's mail. He's a little too volatile for Tina, so she leaves, again. Enter Mama Santos. Seems her only child left in Pine Valley doesn't really want much to do with her anymore now that he doesn't need her to babysit. She tells him that she knows he's hurting and wants to help him. He yells at her to leave him alone. Is that any way to talk to your mother!? No it's not, so he apologizes and she tells him that he sounds just like his father. Gee, there's a news flash! She suggests he go talk to their priest, but Assholeo refuses. Isabella leaves.

Enter Fr. Jimmy Olson. Isabella sent him over to see Assholeo anyway. He tries to get Fr. Jimmy to leave, but having worked for Superman for all those years, Fr. Jimmy is now a force to be reckoned with. He holds his ground and tries to get Assholeo to talk. But poor Assholeo, he didn't do anything. None of it is his fault. All his rage is now directed from Stick to Ryan. I think in between, Assholeo had about 5 minutes of self loathing. He talks to Fr. Jimmy about all the terrible things Ryan did to break up him and Stick. Fr. Jimmy makes a big mistake when he asks Assholeo how he himself wrecked his marriage. Assholeo isn't ready to face his own involvement in the break up though. Fr. Jimmy tells Assholeo that Ryan could not have come between he and Stick if there weren't problems to begin with. Assholeo tells Fr. Jimmy over and over that he wants Ryan to disappear forever... setting the stage for this week's big moral dilemma, will Assholeo save Ryan's life?

Assholeo heads over to Trevor's house and is lurking around outside when Trevor comes up behind him. Assholeo sings the blue's to Trevor, but finally Trev is having none of it. He tells Assholeo that Ryan wouldn't be around Stick so much if she didn't want him there.

Stick goes to an AA meeting and as luck would have it, for us anyway, Axel is there! Oh I just love Axel. He's such a fun character. Stick uses her AA meeting as an outlet for more whining about boo hoo, what a miserable life she has, boo hoo. She's got two men devoted to her, she's got a great new job, she's got family. She doesn't have any friends because the only friend she had she stabbed in the back by making kissy face with her man. So there is something to whine about, but she never seems to whine about that. Axel gives Stick some unsolicited advice by telling her she's sending Assholeo mixed signals and she shouldn't be so eager to jump into another relationship. Axel makes a lot of sense.

Deciding they are now a couple, Gillian planned a romantic evening for Jake. She dressed up and wheeled in a cart with dinner on it for her and Jake. Starting off with a honey dijon dunk. Only, she couldn't find any honey so she used molasses. Bet that was yummy. The main course consisted of baked steak, sweet potatoes, Peruvian, er, lima beans, and a salad with a dressing made from anchovies. But Jake hates sweet potatoes and is allergic to anchovies. When he ate it, he almost went into galactic shock. Poor Gillian, she tried so hard to make everything special. She's got such a flare. She's sweet and romantic. She's funny and at the same time has this incredible fragility about her. And to top it off, she's gorgeous too. What a package! She's too good for Jake, she's too good for Ryan. This scene and a few others have earned Gillian this weeks PERFORMER OF THE WEEK award. Also adding to her award were the scenes where she told Assholeo to face up to some of the responsibility for his and Stick's break up, and the scene where she told Alex about her past with David. She's come so far, I just love her character!

Tad and Adrian get together for a beer at SOS, while Dixie is at home trying to talk Becca into going to the club with her. Nevermind the fact that she's only 17 and can't get into a club. They go. Of course, Scott and Greenlee are there. Did anyone get a load of Scott's dancing ability? Pretty sad. And in the confusing scene of the moment, Tina comes over with a mask on that she says is Dracula but is really a Kabuki. Um.. yeah, OK. For some reason Adrian asks Tina what her intentions towards Assholeo are, and I can't help but wonder why he would care at all. Someone explain to me when and why Adrian and Assholeo are suddenly best buds! Anyway, Becca takes the high road and goes to say hello to Scott and Greenlee. Then gets swept into a dance with Adrian, the lucky bitch!

Nessie spots Erica and David together and wants to spill the beans about their relationship to everyone, but they ignore her and move on. Palmer sees Erica in the lobby and invites her to breakfast with him. He's acting a little strange, and Erica realizes there is trouble in paradise. PC however, isn't so quick to let on that there is trouble. He knows that Nessie has been seen with a younger man and it's only a matter of time until he finds out who that is. It's so painfully obvious that Leo will end up being a secret child. But who's? My guess? He is the son of Nessie and Eric Kane, Erica's wayward father.

Over at WRCW, Adam is there and Tad proceeds to get in his face. Which prompts Adam to make another call to find out the progress of "Operation GET TAD." Liza maintains that the sale is a good move and she'll have more time to be with her family. How? I still can't figure it out. But Tad is worried and thinks Adam is behind the sale. Liza gets a FAX from Duffy about the tape she sent of Stick and her fashion segment and the Duffman replies with... "Stick is exactly what WRCW needs to put the 'edge' back in 'Cutting Edge.'" Liza sees nothing at all peculiar or strange about any of this.

Stepping up the plan, Adam enlists NuBarry's (who by the way is only temporary) help to charm Marian and get her to have Stuart sign the papers that sell Stuart's 20% of the stock in WRCW to Adam. This would give Adam, er the Duffman, controlling interest and bu-bye Tad. So, in order to get Marian alone so NuBarry can work his magic, Adam uses the old ficus diversion to get Stuart out of the house. Barry arrives and he and Marian talk about the finances and how this, that and the other thing would be in Stuart's best interest. Ultimately, Barry smarms his way through the mumbo jumbo and Marian talks Stuart into signing the papers. Now Adam has 60% of the station.

Liza is getting close to finding out the truth about Colby. After Alex plants the seed of suspicion in her brain about David's name being on the transfer order for Colby's stem cells, she sets out to find out why. She tells Adam about it, and Adam in turn, panics. She talks to Jake about it, and even brings up how David had taken her amnio fluid for unauthorized tests. So at this point she's still betting that the culprit in "Operation Stem Cell" is David. That is until she goes to see Monty the lab tech. After much questioning, Monty finally remembers that it was Adam who told him that David authorized the transfer. You can almost see the pieces clicking into place in Liza's mind as she tells Monty that taking orders from Adam Chandler, not a doctor, is a big problem. She continues to grill the poor schlub and finally he cracks, and tells her everything he remembers. And when they look at Colby's remaining vile of stem cells, they realize that none are gone, which means someone else's went to Dimitri. Liza knows now that Adam switched the stem cell samples. But she doesn't know why yet. Liza heads home and is getting ready to confront Adam. She calls Jake over too. Oh, this is getting good!

Erica decides to have a party to celebrate David's appointment as Director of the Andrassy Foundation. It might be just a touch premature since Alex hates his guts and has no intention of giving him the job. Alex and David have a chat and she tells him that she cannot get past her personal feelings and there is no way she would disrespect Dimitri's memory by hiring him. David denies any part in Siobhan's death, then Alex rifles back with him not having involvement in Colby's stem cell transfer either. David is really confused, but Alex keeps going and telling him all the bad and evil things she knows that he's done, including what he did to Gillian and how he almost killed Adam. Erica comes back and sings David's praises to Alex, but Alex says there is no way she will hire him and leaves. Erica wants to go after her, but David stops her. Erica grows suspicious of David and Alex's involvement.

At the hospital, Adam goes to see Junior working on pumpkins in the kiddie ward. Tad, of course, gets in his face again. And even gives us this weeks LINE OF THE WEEK when he says to Junior, "What do you think of your old man's costume? I think he calls this one Satan Y2K." Since Stick is there, they are all congratulating her on landing a job at her step-mother's TV station. Yeah that was difficult. But Adam slips up when he repeats the same line as the Duffman... "I think Stick is exactly what WRCW needs to put the 'edge' back in 'Cutting Edge'" Oh, that set off a lot of alarms in Tad's head!

Seems there's a witch watching the Dillon's house. And as they all approach, she sneaks off into the night. But Junior and Jamie decide that they want to go out into the woods and find the person who set out the trail of bottle caps so he could find his way back home. Amanda catches on and follows them out, insisting that she go with them or she'll rat them out. At the Boathouse, they decide to split up. Nice move boys, sending Amanda into the woods, by herself, in the dark. Well.. this is where the Special Report ended my AMC viewing for the week, but I read and heard what happened so here it is. Out in the woods, Amanda comes face to face with the witch and screams!

Also, I missed probably the best part of the whole week. At the hospital, David runs into Adam and furiously blames Adam for his not getting the job with the Andrassy Foundation. I'm thinking this is a bit convoluted, but I guess he blames Adam because David tried to kill him and Alex knows it? [updated 11/2 - I got the scoop, thanks to Patty! David blamed Adam because he put David's name on the transfer order for Dim's stem cells, now Alex thinks he's involved.] Anyway, David is so pissed off that when Gillian happens by, he spills the beans to her that Adam is really Colby's father, not Jake. Wow! It's out and I missed it! No matter, it still gets this weeks SCENE OF THE WEEK.

This weeks AMC gets a C... it was pretty much a snore most of the week.