The Pine Valley Bulletin

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Established 1998


May 17, 2004

Tunages: Big Audio Dynamite "Planet Bad Greatest Hits," Joe Strummer and the Mescaleros "Streetcore," The Ravonettes "Chain Gang of Love," Oasis "Definitely Maybe," and The Reverand Horton Heat "It's Martini Time."

Pull up a chair kids, it's been a long time since we've had a discussion and there is a lot to talk about. I want to slap so many Pine Valleyites I don't even know where to begin!!! Liza!! Kendall!! JR!!! Erica!!! It may just have to be one big collective slap this week, I mean really... how can I chose?

Let's start with Liza. She's so hellbent on getting Krystal away from Tad, now that she decided SHE wants Tad. It wasn't bad enough that she was always lying to Simone about Tad's feelings for her, now she wants to completely get Krystal out of town. Now granted, I've been out of the dating game for a long time but is this really how one lands a man? Does driving the competition out of town insure that the man you both want will miraculously fall in love with you? Because if it is, times sure have changed! So, Liza knows Krystal has a secret and that Tad knows it. Liza logic dictates that if she finds out said secret and spills the beans all will be right in her world. Liza logic forgot to remind her that betraying the man in question is not a way to endear him to her. It doesn't matter, she was on a quest. Liza eavesdropped, followed, dropped hints and basically annoyed Krystal until she found out the secret. While hiding in the tunnel at Adam's house, she heard (and saw) Krystal and Babe hide the annulment paper stating that Babe and Paul Cramer's marriage has been annulled. What's wrong with that you ask? Well, it was JUST filed, which means Babe's marriage to JR is not legal. If it were me, I'd be jumping for joy if I found out I wasn't really married to JR... but Babe will feel otherwise.

So Liza takes the paper from Krystal and Babe's hiding place and thinks for all of 10 seconds not to tell JR about it. But hell hath no fury like a Liza scorned and still stinging from Tad's rejection, she opts to tell JR about Babe's bigamy. Boo hoo Liza, Tad is interested in someone else. Why don't you just ruin lives in YOUR own family because he rejected you. Get over it. In the end, she gives JR the annulment papers, and he thinks it's a fake so she can land Tad. While she admits that she does love Tad and wants Krystal out of the picture, she assures him that the paper is not faked. She then drops another bomb... that Tad knew the annulment hadn't been filed and that he kept it from JR because Krystal asked him to.

So Liza, not only did she ruin any chance she had with Tad, she also probably ruined their friendship when he finds out it was her who told JR. The repercussions for this one act will ripple for a long time to come. Tad will be angry with Liza. JR will be angry with Tad and Babe. Krystal will be angry with Tad, most likely thinking he told Liza. Adam will be angry with Babe for deceiving JR. Mary will have fun watching everyone at each others throats. Oh my... see what I mean? So our first I NEED TO BE SLAPPED AWARD this week goes to Liza. You may argue that this is old Liza and that it's nice to see her with some spunk. I disagree... that behavior was one thing when your a teenage skank, but now she's an adult and skank doesn't look good on her anymore.

Bring on the repercussions for Liza's actions... JR is mad. He claimed to love Babe but I think he was lying all along anyway. But lets make one thing perfectly clear.... Babe is not innocent. She made mistakes, but deep down she is a loving, caring girl who wants nothing more than to live happily ever after with her husband and baby. I've heard people call Babe a gold digger but the fact is, she didn't know JR was rich when she married him. He told her after. She just loved him without money and for the life if me, I can't figure out why. So JR confides in Jamie what Liza told him. Far be it from me to point this out, but Jamie is actually making some sense. He wants JR to calm down and think things through, he tell JR that maybe it was an oversight and that she meant to do it but didn't for whatever reason. And hey, guess what... that's exactly what did happen. But JR will not hear anything about it. Nope, there can be no oversight when you're a Chandler. You are either right (JR or Adam) or you are a lying bitch (everyone else). Babe's not filing the annulment was not a malicious act. But to JR it was. Jamie keeps trying to talk some sense into JR and tells him that Tad's heart was probably in the right place and didn't want to hurt him and since they are getting married again anyway, what's the harm. Jamie stop... it's too logical! JR can't take it and tells Jamie that Babe will RUE THE DAY she ever crossed him and will make sure she never sees Bess. He even tells Jamie that he no longer loves her. Jamie is disgusted by his display of Adamness.

NITPICK: You know, JR sure falls in and out of love pretty quickly doesn't he? He loved Babe when he married her. He hated her when she cheated on him. He loved her again when she had Bess. Now he hates her. Fickle much JR?

Jamie gives Tad the cold shoulder after leaving JR... Tad has no idea why. Jamie doesn't explain. That was a waste of a few minute of airtime huh?

JR on the other hand does admit why he's angry to Babe when he goes to confront her. Babe is in a panic that he found the paper, but JR will not tell her how. Babe does her best to explain what happened and why she never filed the paper. And Krystal, having found the that the annulment paper is missing, races to Babe and JR's room and finds that JR is in the know. She desperately tries to take the blame for Babe, but JR isn't buying it and Babe doesn't want her to anyway. She wants to own up to her own mistakes. She pours her heart out to a very cold JR and delivers the most heartfelt and meaningful LINE OF THE WEEK when she says, "There are a million reasons for doing what I did, but there's no excuse." JR pretends to believe her and forgive her. Pretends being the operative word here. He tells Babe how much he has grown and how much he has learned since they met. He tells her could never live without her and that he loves her. He tells her the wedding is on. He lied!!! Oh he's just such a creep!!! You know, he made it all about him when it really wasn't. But I guess that is what you do when you're a Chandler. Oh and you also get the second I NEED TO BE SLAPPED AWARD of the week.

Instead of actually forgiving her, he goes to see Livia about taking Bess from Babe. What a joy it was to behold when Livia told him he didn't have a leg to stand on where Bess is concerned. I loved it!! Smug ass, chip off the old block, horrible excuse for a human being JR thinks he's just going to take the baby from her "mother" because he's Adam Chandler Jr. URGH!!! Livia tells him that the courts are on Babe's side because technically Bess is Babe and Paul's baby since she was married to Paul when she had the baby. Are we supposed to be feeling sorry for him because I feel way more sorry for Babe here. Can you just see how this is going to play out? I promise I'm only speculating here, but since we know JR is going to fill Adam in on Babe's deception, and we know that their second wedding is in the works, can you just see how JR will totally humiliate Babe at that ceremony and probably not marry her? Isn't that typical of Adam? Throw the party, gather everyone around and then drop the bomb in front of the whole town.

NITPICK: Is what Babe REALLY as bad as JR is making it out to be? For the life of me I just can't see that it is. They are getting married again anyway.

And while JR is plotting, Babe is ecstatic that she dodged another bullet with another lie revealed. In fact, she's so relieved that she wants to come clean about how she isn't sure that Bess is really his since she asked Paul to change the DNA test and he never admitted if he did or not. Krystal nips that idea right in the bud and explains to Babe how devastated JR will be if he thinks Bess is not him and basically that the baby is what is holding them together.

In summer... love Babe, hate JR. Hell at this point I'd like to see Babe go back to Jamie! He has always been caring, sweet and there for her. He got a bit carried away when he thought the baby might be his, but he's young. He's a good guy and much better for Babe than JR.

Two slaps down... two to go.

Erica, in disguise, has decided to be a showgirl in Vegas. Now correct me if I'm wrong but is it really as easy as... "hmm, I think I'll be a showgirl!" and you are one. Because if it is, I'm on the next flight to Vegas!!! If a 50-something, 5 ft tall woman in a blonde wig can suddenly be a showgirl why can't this 5 ft 3 inch, 38 year old, overweight woman from the Midwest be one too! Come on everyone!! Let's go to Vegas and get in a show!!! And wow, not only is she a showgirl after 1 day of practice but she's the toast of Vegas and getting rave reviews!! Erica, er Desiree Dubois, has gone from zero to showgirl in 30 seconds!! Let's just call this what it is... absolutely insane! And while we're on insane... does she or does she not know Bobby? I can't figure it out. First of all, there is no reason for her NOT to know Bobby. But she hasn't let on that she does... only once did I hear her call him Bobby and not Roberto. Was it a slip or has she known him all along?

POLL: Which is more stupid?

Jack is torn between going off to Vegas to bring her back. But after Bianca hears what she has been up to, all sympathy she may have had for her has gone out the door. Who could blame Bianca really? After rejecting Erica once, Erica bails on her? What is that? Where is the Erica who fights for her daughter? Where is the Erica who's main saving grace through many years of nonsense has been her love for her family? And again I have to ask, is it Erica we're supposed to feel sorry for here because I'm not feeling it at all. Jack is trying to still see her side of things though and realizes that Erica not getting closure with her father is a very big deal. Reggie and Bianca are of the opinion that they will be fine without her. It will be interesting to see if Jack ever sees it that way. I suspect not.

I NEED TO BE SLAPPED AWARD #3 goes to Erica.

NITPICK: Does Erica's disguise look a little familiar to you? It does to me... she's dressed as Krystal!!!

How many people have to tell Kendall that she's an idiot before she starts to believe it. I think the number rounded out to be three... Bianca, Jack and Simone. Oh wait, four... JR did too. Never will I understand Kendall Logic. Ryan is friends with Greenlee therefore he cannot be trusted. HUH? Kendall keeps using the excuse that Greenlee wants him. OK, she does. But how does that affect her and Ryan? Ryan said it wasn't an issue. Bottom line, Kendall cannot get over herself and her own persecution complex. Bianca told her to get over herself and stop sabotaging her own happiness. Good advice. But she had to hear pretty much the same thing two or three more times before it finally sunk in.

So after being kicked to the curb by Kendall for the gazillionth time, Ryan's had enough. And since he figured out a way to let Greenlee be a part of Fusion again, he's going for it... marrying her! If Kendall went into a relationship with the same kind of honesty that Ryan and Greenlee are, well Ryan anyway, then maybe she wouldn't be her own worst enemy. Ryan is clearly still in love with Kendall and marrying Greenlee is all about business. Greenlee though, is being deceptive by not admitting her feelings for Ryan and how she could easily fall in love with him. And Ryan seems to have no clue about this at all. He's a guy, what do you expect? For now, Ryan is only trying to secure a place for Greenlee in the business that she created.

So Simone spots Ryan and Greenlee at the airport and immediately calls Kendall so she can come and stop them from doing whatever it is they are going to do. Kendall tells her to stall them. It seems Kendall has suddenly had an epiphany and wants a life with Ryan and will forgive Greenlee. Oh granted, what Greenlee did to Kendall was horrible. I want to make that clear. But she's apologized 100's of times, turned over a new leaf and has tried numerous times to bring Kendall and Ryan back together. Kendall's own insecurities cannot see it for what it is, but only sees plots and backstabbing where there is none. Ryan's fault? Nope. Kendall's.

NITPICK: Simone is racing through the airport with Kendall to find out which plane Ryan and Greenlee got on and tells a porter that they are looking for a short pretty woman with NATURAL BLONDE HIGHLIGHTS!!! OMG, I about peed my pants!! Those highlights are about as natural as the blue ones I had in my hair last year!

How hilarious is this... Kendall and Simone miss Ryan and Greenlee by minutes so they hop on the next available private jet and follow them! I just kept thinking that they jumped on a plane (as people do in cabs) and yelled to the pilot... "Follow that plane!!!" And follow them they did, to the Thousand Islands and the Castle at Thousand Islands. In reality it was the beautiful Castle in Tarrytown, NY. I very famous landmark that is not too far from NYC. And can I just interject here to say that location shoots ROCK!! I love them!

Not knowing that Kendall and Simone are hot on their trail, Ryan and Greenlee prepare for their wedding by signing their very thorough pre-nup and getting ready to take that plunge. Greenlee even gives Ryan a chance to back out and won't hold it against him, but he wants to go through with it. I think that Greenlee is no dummy and no matter how much Ryan denies that Kendall is on his mind, she is and Greenlee knows it. He loves Kendall. But he's angry, he's dejected and he thinks he's doing something good for a friend. It's that whole heart in the right place thing again that has been a running theme (after the slaps of course) through this whole Editorial.

While getting ready for the ceremony, Greenlee gets a visit from her alter ego, Goody Greenlee Two Shoes who thinks she is making a mistake. And for Greenlee, it is. She wants to be in love, and I think if Ryan showed any hint of that with her, that is all it would take. Ryan is haunted by his own demons when he's getting ready too, trying to tell him he's making a mistake. I wonder if it really is one. I ultimately like Kendall and Ryan together better than Greenlee and Ryan, but that doesn't make this a mistake.

All the while, Simone tries to talk Kendall into turning back and leaving Ryan and Greenlee to whatever it is they are doing. But Kendall won't. She wants to find them. Now that she has decided that Ryan's worthy of her, she can't wait any longer. And even after she learns they are marrying, she is not turning back.

While Greenlee asks Leo for his blessing, Ryan thinks he sees Kendall walking through the courtyard but thinks he's hallucinating. Simone tries to be there for Kendall, but Kendall has her own plans and goes off to buy a wedding dress! Oh this is going to get good!

I NEED TO BE SLAPPED AWARD #4 goes to Kendall. What other character can make you laugh, cry, love her and hate her all in one show. Alicia Minshew ROCKS!

MEANINGLESS DRIVEL OF THE WEEK goes to Maggie, Jamie and Reggie pulling a stupid prank on Danielle and dressing her up like a harlequin on crack in order to land the gig as Fusion Teen Girl. Whatever! Here's a little advice for Maggie... why don't you stop wasting time and energy on this stupidity and go be there for your friend Bianca!

What is left other than Edmund rejecting physical therapy, getting bitched out by Anita, getting cheered up by FauxAidan, and in the end taking the physical therapy.

NITPICK: I know they aren't dating anymore, but did you notice how Mia and Aidan didn't even say hello to each other in the music store? Maybe she didn't recognize him.

And the final NITPICK: Can Anita whine any more than she does!? Sheesh.

Oh and last but not least... this weeks PERFORMER OF THE WEEK AWARD goes to Edmund's bed pan. Not only did it smack the physical therapist Manny in the head, but it also served as a peanut catcher later when Eddie and his good pal, FauxAidan were playing some weird game called Nuts in the Bed Pan.

This weeks AMC gets a C. I probably should have waited a week for the Editorial because this week sure looks better!!!