The Pine Valley Bulletin

Welcome to Pine Valley's only online newspaper!

Established 1998


May 12, 2003

Happy May! I live, in case you didn't know, in Northeast Ohio, and I just have to say... today, May 12 seems more like October!! This has been one strange Spring! Anywho... let's get to it. I raided my "F's" in the CD rack today. In my trusty 5 CD changer today is The Foo Fighters (self titled), Filter "Short Bus," Fishbone "The Reality of My Surroundings," Faith No More "The Real Thing," and Perry Farrell "Rev"

Did you ever notice how people in Pine Valley, especially the men, all have many different functions? Well we all know Chris Stamp did... he was a janitor, bartender, FBI agent, lawyer, contractor, who almost got a job in security. And Carlos, well... he's an artist, handyman, fake poet. Tad is an executive, TV Show host, detective. And now we have Boyd... chemist, cameraman, detective. No wonder everyone seems to have all the money they could ever need, they have a zillion jobs! So Boyd is investigated the lawsuit against Fusion for Enchantment and Tad is investigated it for Fusion so they teamed up to compare notes. Lena covered her tracks, or so she thought, by pinning the money transfer on some disgruntled ex-employee who doesn't exist. You know, I have to wonder just how smart Michael Cambias is. He's supposed to be this cutthroat businessman who always gets what he wants and is a mega bazillionaire because of it. Does someone who is supposed to be that smart really run business like he does? He manipulates and romances Kendall so she will, hello, sleep with Boyd!? What did he think this would accomplish? Boyd would be so turned that he'd lose his mind during afterglow and write down the formula and hand it over to Kendall? And what about Lena? How did they really think they would get the formula out of Bianca by romancing her? I'm just confused by the whole set up. It makes no sense. Hmm, then again, maybe it does. I've been out of work for two and a half years, maybe I should be sleeping with all my prospective employers!

So, by putting their heads together, Tad and Boyd got old Gertrude Stark, the woman who filed the bogus claim against Fusion, dropped. He and Boyd go to Fusion and tell Simone and Liza the good news. Suddenly Simone comes up with the brilliant idea that they should film a commercial. Wow, that is some major marketing skills she has... a commercial!!! Have people ever actually used commercials to sell things before? You'd think not by the way they acted like this idea was so revolutionary! Well it takes some convincing for Liza to agree to them using WRCW equipment. In fact, she's so reluctant to allow this that Tad delivers this weeks LINE OF THE WEEK to her when he says, "Boy, have you lost your edge." Have truer words ever been spoken? Where is the Liza of old, the savvy independent gal she was BA (Before Adam)? Now that she's divorced for the third time, I was hoping we'd see some of old Liza. So far, it's not happening. At any rate, she finally agrees and off they go to film a Fusion Eyes promo, with Carlos as the star. But Carlos is so not in the mood to be studly spokes model for Simone because Greenlee has just tossed him out on his oído. It seems he has finally admitted that he did not write the emails to Greenlee. And oh is she pissed! A little overly pissed if you ask me, but that's besides the point. Carlos told Greenlee that his feelings were behind all the words that Sydney wrote, but that he didn't know how to say it. Greenlee called him a fraud and is now feeling very duped.

At WRCW, Simone basically tells Carlos to get over it and read the cue cards she set up for him. And while Boyd is filming the promo and Tad is, what, producing (?), Simone talks some tech into putting the promo out live instead of to videotape. Poor stupid Simone has never heard of the FCC I guess and the way they regulate all of broadcasting. Tad realizes too late what she's done so he cannot stop it. Simone calls up Liza and tells her to turn on the TV. Liza is all kinds of ticked about this and does the only thing she can think to do, blame Tad. Tad even tries to explain that he had no idea what Simone was doing until it was too late. She doesn't believe him and starts bitching about how the promo went national, not local and that WRCW could lose it's license because of their antics. And while business booms at Fusion because of the promo, Liza gets more and more annoyed at Tad and earns this weeks DCM COMMEMORATIVE SLAP AWARD for being such a grump and only ever worrying about her own bottom line.

When the cops arrive at Fusion to arrest Simone, she knows the drill. It's only the gazillionth time she's been arrested. Actually, it's the fourth time. Doesn't Pennsylvania have that "3 strikes and you're out" law? This time though, Carlos is arrested too and he tries to take the full blame but Simone won't let him. Once everyone arrives to try and sort things out, Kenny tells them this could be a felony and not as easy to get them out of and Tad is tossed in the clink with them. Liza tell Simone that she jeopardizes WRCW, Colby's legacy (um, didn't she say that about Fusion too??). Liza is peeved and bitchy and I just want to slap her again! Evidently everyone got out of jail and went home because this was the last we saw of any of this for the week.

Did you see it? Jack was shot outside of SOS... outside in the front of SOS. Somehow he was lying in the back of SOS in the alley for who knows how long, practically bleeding to death before he was found. Nice continuity. Anyway, he's in a coma at the hospital. When he comes to, he is greeted by seeing Erica at his side, professing her undying love for him. He calls her his heart, she calls him her everything and we all share a good cry.

In the waiting area, Kendall is trying to tell Bianca about Lena's association with Michael, but they are interrupted when Joe comes to tell Bianca that Jack has woken up. Bianca rushes to his side and Kendall, again, is feeling like the odd gal out. Let's explore this shall we... Kendall for some reason thinks Erica owes her something. I never understood that. I never understood why Kendall felt that the Hart's weren't good enough for her. There has never once been any indication that Kendall was abused in anyway by the Hart's. In fact, it's always been said how much they love her and cared for her. But for Kendall, a family that loves her wasn't good enough, she had to find the mother who put her up for adoption. To Kendall, Erica wasn't doing something for her, she abandoned her, tossed her out, pushed her aside. And this is where I think AMC misses the mark. Adoption isn't abandonment. And that doesn't mean Erica is innocent. Erica was raped at age 14 by someone she trusted, a friend of her fathers, and Kendall was a result. While Erica did what was best for the child, for some reason she treated that child, Kendall, like her rapist. Kendall's paternity was never her fault and this is again, where AMC misses the mark. Erica treats Kendall like it's her fault she was raped.

All that said, it would certainly be difficult for these two to come together. It takes some compromise on both parts, and these are probably two of the most stubborn women in all of Pine Valley. Kendall's mistake is that she feels that one good deed makes up for all the other crap she's pulled. So while Bianca and Erica come together and hold each other while Jack fights for his life, Kendall feels like she's on the outside. And guess what, she is. She needs to learn that nothing is immediate. There is too much history for it all to be erased just because she told Erica about Lena's association with Michael. I do have hope that, since Kendall did come to Erica with it, that Erica will lighten up some. Erica tends to use Kendall however she wants, knowing Kendall is looking for a mother/daughter relationship with her. Erica plays on that. And now she wants Kendall to tell Bianca about Lena because Bianca doesn't believe Erica. Kendall says she will try but doesn't think anything she says will change Bianca's feelings. She's right.

And that brings us to the pairing of Lena and Bianca. I know many fans wanted to see Michael develop a conscience and really fall for Kendall, thus redeeming him. But I'm much more intrigued by Lena being the one with the conscience. So while Michael continues his manipulation of everyone and anyone, Lena is fighting with her own inner demons on how to get out of the mess she got herself into. She's falling in love. And how could you not fall in love with Bianca?? Bianca is the sweetest, most loving, kindest and level headed (most of the time anyway) woman in Pine Valley. Bianca is a whole package... beautiful and good hearted. Sure, she tends to fall in love quickly but didn't you too when you were 19? And I'm sorry, but I'm not on this "Lena is too old" "Lena is too sophisticated" bandwagon. Bianca needs someone who is sure of herself. Lena is. Lena might be bisexual, but who cares? What I like about this story is that it's being treated as a love story, love is love and you can't chose who you fall in love with. Did it happen too fast? No, I don't think so. Bianca has been intrigued by Lena since day one and they took the time to get to know each other. Lena is so complex and interesting, I'm interested in seeing how she gets herself out from under Michael's clutches. Just think about how many wonderful relationships started out as one of the parts trying to con the other... Ryan and Gillian, Leo and Greenlee just to name two. And hurrah!!!! Bianca finally got some booty!!!

While Bianca is basking in the glow of a night of the first sex she's had since coming to Pine Valley, Lena is dressed and ready for the day. She gets a call from Michael but blows him off. Lena honey, you cannot just blow off a man like Michael. She learned this when he showed up at her door while Bianca was in the shower. Didn't we already talk about how smart of a guy Michael's supposed to be? Didn't he want Lena to bang Bianca? Why would he show up at her door and almost ruin the whole thing? Because he's Michael. He's never caught. He had just enough time to intimidate and manhandle Lena before Bianca came out. Bianca is a little confused by the look of terror on Lena's face, but Lena covers sufficiently enough (but what she actually did was steal Enchantment's safe combination out of Bianca's palm pilot). Bianca gets a call from Kendall, and goes to the hospital to meet her. Lena heads to Enchantment to search the safe. Much to Michael's dismay, the formula was not there.

Kendall had resisted Erica's request to tell Bianca, thinking she'd never believe her anyway. Kendall also felt that Bianca would go straight to Lena with the information and ruin the whole plan. But Erica convinces Kendall to tell her, and tells her that Bianca is worth more than the plan. So, once Bianca arrives, Kendall tells Bianca that Lena isn't who she thinks she is. Bianca, of course, does not believe Kendall. And when Kendall tells Bianca that Lena is sleeping with Michael, Bianca hauls off and slaps her one good! But undeterred, Kendall continues and tells Bianca that Lena was hired by Michael and put in place at Enchantment. She tells her everything and Bianca believes none of it. Kendall tells her that she was in the same boat and believed none of the warnings she got about Michael either. And while Bianca argues with Kendall, Erica arrives and tells her that Kendall is telling the truth. Bianca immediately believes that they got together merely to ruin her happiness. She leaves, but not before telling her that she spent the night with Lena and that Lena loves her.

It all comes crashing down for Bianca when she arrives at Lena's just in time to see Michael leaving. Bianca immediately confronts Lena, asking why Michael was there and accuses her of sleeping with him. Lena tries to deny it all first, but then opts to make up a lie instead. She tells Bianca that Michael is pursuing her to work with him. Lena pleads with Bianca to believe that she loves her and that her feelings are true. Bianca does believe her.

Meanwhile Kendall goes over to Myrtle's to apologize to Boyd and tell him he was right about Michael all along. Myrtle is not too thrilled to see Mata Hari at her door, but eventually Boyd convinces Myrtle to let her in. Kendall tells Boyd what happened and how she is helping Erica turn the tables on Michael. Boyd is concerned because that's just the kind of guy he is. He wants to help. And when Kendall leaves, she gives him a kiss on the cheek. Wouldn't you know, that creep Michael was spying on them outside the house. I guess he followed Kendall? Or was he there to see if he could seduce the formula out of Boyd himself?

MEANINGLESS DRIVEL OF THE WEEK - Shambala thinks Maggie cheated on her mid-term and while Maggie doesn't exactly accuse Henry, she eludes to it, which only pisses off Shambala more. And that goes right into our LEO duPRES MEMORIAL PASS THE HANDBAG MOMENT when Henry refuses to help Maggie out of this jam and instead will let her get kicked out of school because his mother would kill him. You know, I thought I would like them at first, but I have really started to dislike this storyline very much.

Jack is worried that Chris will come after Erica and harm her, but Erica doesn't think that is even remotely possible. She doesn't think that he shot Jack either, but Jack does. So while Chris is plotting out a meeting place with Flanders, Derek comes to the hospital to question Jack. Hey how great is it to see Derek! Pretty darn, I have to say. Jack tells Derek that he suspects Chris is out for revenge because of Erica. He asks Derek if he'd provide some protection for Erica. Once Derek leaves, Opal arrives and goes to see Jack... she has to warn him that he's still in danger.

Chris shows up at the hospital to see how Jack is doing and to say goodbye to Erica. As this weeks SCENE OF THE WEEK unfolds, Chris and Erica make amends. Chris tells her that he is leaving Pine Valley for good. Erica is upset, wants him to stay. But Chris tells her that he cannot stay and watch her life with Jack. It's such a sweet scene, you see the love they once shared. And before he leaves, he tells her that he will make the man who shot Jack pay. And he heads to the park to meet up with Flanders, who is trolling the park with a gun in his hand.

Meanwhile, over at Wildwind, Mia is trying to break up with Edmund for Maddie's sake. Maddie's just not ready to see her daddy with another woman. Funny thing is, she has no problem seeing her mommy with Aidan. I know she knows Aidan better and he took some getting used to on her part too. Actually, I have found Maddie's reactions to all that is going on around her pretty realistic. Anyway, Edmund refuses to let Mia end things with him and tells her that Maddie will come around. Mia suggests that he and Maddie meet her in the park for a picnic. *insert sinister music here*

At the park, Edmund and Maddie find Mia, who has laid out a huge spread of food for them. Maddie is so not interested in anything Mia has, not even the chocolate cupcakes. Silly girl! Mia keeps trying and gives Maddie a present she bought for her... boxing gloves, shoes and a robe that says "Mad Dog Maddie" on the back. Wouldn't you know, it works. She teaches Maddie how to box. Then when Maddie's little friend shows up, she asks if she can go play and before she goes, she thanks Mia and kisses her on the cheek. And what's our lesson today kids? When your boyfriends kid doesn't like you, buy said kid lots of presents until they come around. Buying affection works!

In another area of the park, Chris has met up with Flanders and face off. Chris tells him he never told Flanders to shoot Jack, that he had his own agenda. He keeps trying to get Flanders to admit that Chris was right, but Flanders is no dummy. He realizes that Chris is taping the conversation. And after Flanders makes a comment eluding to Erica being next on his list, Chris pulls out his own gun.

Maddie is back with Mia and Edmund and wants to play hide and seek. While Maddie goes off to hide in the woods, Mia counts. Maddie is headed straight for Chris and Flanders, and as they struggle, Flanders gets the gun away from Chris. Maddie shows up just in time to see Flanders shoot Chris. Then he sees Maddie and turns the gun on her. Edmund and Mia hear the gunshots and frantically begin their search for Maddie. It's an amazingly played out scene as a shot Chris struggles to his feet and grabs Maddie to protect her. But Flanders shoots him again and he falls to the ground, dropping Maddie. Maddie is alone with this frightening man with a gun and he's about to shoot her too. Edmund yells for Maddie, Mia is sidelined by twisting her ankle. Maddie is this weeks PERFORMER OF THE WEEK. This had to be one of the greatest kid performances I've seen in a long time.

Edmund's yelling for Maddie causes Flanders to flee the scene without shooting, but he takes Chris's body with him. Edmund finds Maddie sitting under a tree with her arms over her face. Mia catches up and Maddie tells them that she saw a man with a gun shoot another man and she thinks he might be dead. Mia calls 911 and when they arrive, the EMT's check out Maddie. Maddie is really scared and wants her mother. Edmund calls Maureen to meet them at the hospital.

Let's back up a little. Chris had told Aidan that he's in danger because Flanders knows who he is and that he was working with Jack. Aidan decides not to tell his bit of vital information to MOHReen, but instead starts packing up.

** Break to crank up "Those Days Are Gone" by Fishbone and dance around my office with my remote as a microphone - hold on, "Sunless Saturday" is next**

Back to the action... and damn straight is it a lot of action!!! YEEE HAAA!!!! Aidan explains to MOHReen that he's moving them to the Valley Inn and they are going to have a great life. MOHReen must be turned on by this because the action gets hot and heavy. The tops come off, the pants come off, MOHReen puts her hand down Aidan's sexy boxer briefs. Oh my, is getting hot in here? That was one hell of a scene. Isn't it funny how demure the lesbian scene was by comparison?

After all that love in the afternoon, Aidan pulls out a lovely ring (where does he get his money again? Bartenders at the Valley Inn must make some damn good tips) and proposes. MOHReen is overwhelmed and not sure. But she eventually says yes. As soon as she says yes though, Edmund calls to tell her he's at the hospital with Maddie and they rush straight there.

At the hospital, Maddie tells Maureen all about what happened in the park and that the bad man saw her and pointed the gun at her, just like Sammy does sometimes with his fingers. Isn't it nice to know that Sammy still does exist? She also tells her that the man took the dead man and ran off when he heard her daddy coming. A worried Maureen tells Edmund what Maddie told her. And while Maddie is alone, Flanders - dressed as a surgeon, goes into Maddie's room and puts a pillow over her face, trying to smother her. A nurse walks in and doesn't even notice that the "doctor" is trying to kill his patient! Maddie calls out for Mommy and Flanders flees the scene again. But not before Maddie can tell Maureen and Edmund what had just happened. Edmund decides to be a vigilante and will put Maddie into hiding with Maureen and Aidan. I guess he knows that Wildwind's security won't be able to protect Maddie.

One final scene that I want to talk about is the scene between Reggie and Joni at the hospital. It was really quite good, I thought. Joni is trying to urge Reggie to pray for Jack and that the power of prayer is very powerful. She goes on to explain how she almost died when she was slipped ecstasy at a party and went into a coma. She tells him how the doctors told her parents there was little hope she'd survive. But a few weeks later, after her parents and her whole church prayed for her recovery, she woke up and suffered no damaging affects. Reggie counters with a story of his own, how his brother George was shot and his family prayed day and night for George to recover, but he died anyway. Reggie had some very legitimate questions... why would God save Joni and not George? Joni tried her best to tell him that God works in mysterious ways, but when you are that angry that is not something you can except. Personally, I've heard people saying that Joni's purpose on the show is merely so that AMC can bash Christians, but I feel that the exploring of those feelings and different viewpoints is very interesting. It's probably just as controversial as a lesbian relationship, if not more! I applaud AMC for addressing this and for not being afraid to show both sides of the story.

Oh I almost forgot. Last Editorial I had a poll posted, which teen newbie do you like the best. Here are the results. It was pretty neck and neck between Jamie and Reggie, but Jamie wins with 38.9% of the votes. Reggie was second with 30.6%. "Get rid of them all" came in third place with 15.3% of the votes. And bringing up the rear are Joni with 8.3% and Laurie with 6.9% of the votes. Thanks to all who participated!

The new poll is, who do you think Tad's next love interest will be? Results will be posted in the next Editorial.

This weeks AMC gets a B+ I think AMC has been very good lately and probably would have gotten an "A" were it not for that crappy "cheating" storyline with Maggie and Henry. But I fear that, my warm fuzzy with AMC will all come crashing down around me when Megan McTavish's work begins airing around the end of June or so. What were they thinking!? Since when do headwriters get replaced after only about four months of work?