The Pine Valley Bulletin

Welcome to Pine Valley's only online newspaper!

Established 1998


March 4, 2003

OK... no preliminaries, let's get right to the tunes. For this weeks writing I'm starting off with Jane's Addiction, "Nothing's Shocking," then the New York Dolls (self titled), followed by Nine Inch Nails "Pretty Hate Machine," the Reverend Horton Heat's "It's Martini Time" and ending up with Beck's "Odelay."

The Skank par.. er, I mean the Fusion party is about to get underway. So these women, the up and coming business executive Greenlee, the former investigative reporter Simone, former physical therapist Mia, and Kendall, who's never really held down a job until now, want to be taken seriously right? They want to show the world they are a force to be reckoned with correct? So why on earth did they dress up like a bunch of skanky ho's from Front St.? One dress was worse than the next. Kendall looked like a rage in a cage. Simone looked like she has been taking fashion advice from Rosemary Chicken. Greenlee looked like she was in ready to go to bed (with anyone in the room!) and Mia looked like she was going to the Phi Delta toga party. These are the women that want to be taken seriously? Sure thing gals. Even the actual whores looked more demure!

I wonder what AMC's key demographic is these days... because with all the skin that they are showing lately, it sure seems that the target demographic is 15 year old boys (although Mr. Diva would argue that they are really targeting 39 year old men, like him).

INCONSISTENCY ALERT - Before the guests arrived out of nowhere and the women thought that the party was a bust, Mia said that maybe they could send back the food so they wouldn't have to pay for it. But I seem to recall that the food was a freebie from some caterer in New York in exchange for publicity at the party.

It seems that the party miraculously gets into full swing and everyone who's anyone is there. Tad and Jake arrive, but Jake is soon in his pouty pissy mode because Mia can't hold his hand every minute of the party she is helping to host. Alison arrives and is pretty pleased to see Jake in this mood. Evidently what really turns her on is men who hate that their woman has a life of her own.

JR goes to the party to see Laurie, while Joni watches from the sidelines. I don't know what to make of all this nonsense, but I'll try. JR and Laurie are getting along and it looks like they may be reconciling and getting back together. Joni, who has absolutely no point that I can see, decides to ruin it. She casually goes over to JR and says that it was so cool of him to forgive Laurie for kissing Jamie. I have no choice, this crap has to be given the MEANINGLESS DRIVEL OF THE WEEK AWARD. Joni has made it pretty clear to everyone, including Jamie, that she has no interest in him. Yet she still calls him her boyfriend...what's up with that!? And after JR rushes out without saying anything to Laurie, she goes over to Joni and rips her apart telling her she's a fake. Before Joni can recover, Jamie gets in a few licks and leaves the little wench there to stew in her own stupidity.

Bianca goes to the party with Boyd. Lena goes as Erica's spy. Maggie goes to the party with Henry and completely ignores Bianca. Another great friend. You know, what is it with AMC and the trashing of friendships? There aren't that many to begin with and now it seems that there are even less.

Palmer is there with Petey. And even Opal goes, mainly to spite Erica. Erica told Opal that she could never fit into a party like that and it would be better if she just stayed home. Hmm, another great friend. Well, unfortunately Opal felt the need to prove to Erica and everyone else for that matter, that she can dress to impress. Personally I don't think Opal needs to prove anything to anyone, especially Erica or Palmer. She is who she is, and Erica of all people should be accepting of her. It just irks the crap out of me when people think she should change. But even Palmer couldn't believe his eyes when he saw Opal at the party. And Erica was not at all pleased to see Opal's picture in the paper the next day, at the party.

Tad notices that Alison is moving in on Jake, and grabs her for a dance himself, to keep her away from Jake. Jake tries to get Mia's attention, but she's under strict orders from Greenlee to schmooze a very smarmy man named Andrew. Jake seethes while watching Mia laugh and have a good time with icky Andrew and starts to drink more and more.

Boyd takes a chance when he sees that Michael isn't at the party and takes Kendall outside to talk. He tells her how she deserves so much better than Michael Cambias. He tells her how special she is, and of course, fickle Kendall is eating it all up. And while all this is going on, Michael arrives at the party and starts looking for Kendall. Boyd and Kendall dance on the roof and just as they gaze into each others eyes and may just kiss, Michael makes his presence known. Kendall blows off Boyd and assures Michael that nothing is going on. Poor Boyd, dissed and dismissed. Michael doesn't want to play games and tells Kendall that they should go away together and get to know one another. His suggestion is that they fly off to his villa in Tuscany immediately. In a very uncharacteristic moment for Kendall, she puts the company first and turns Michael down.

While Mia is schmoozing slimy Andrew, she decides that he is actually Greenlee's secret email admirer. Mia runs over to Greenlee to tell her that she should be talking to shifty Andrew, not her and that he's the emailer. Greenlee is shocked and not exactly happy about it. No kidding, she noticed that gross Andrew is too gross for words too. But Mia urges her to go talk to him so she can find Jake and spend some time with him. Unfortunately, while this is going on, Simone is off looking for Carlos and instead finds Jake and Alison getting vertical. A shocked Mia shuts the door to the closet they are in and then stops Mia from going into the closet by telling her there was a big rat in it. Ain't that the truth! But Simone has a hard time keeping her composure when Mia starts to gush and coo about how wonderful Jake is.

And I interject right here with a big DIXIE COONEY MARTIN COMMEMORATIVE SLAP AWARD for TPTB at AMC, whose brilliant idea it was to make that Jake's very last scene!

Tad finds Simone up on the roof, very pissed off and realizes that she must have seen Jake with Alison. It seemed like kind of an odd conclusion to come to, but whatever. And Simone realizes that Tad knew about them, and that it wasn't the first time. She gets really really angry now because Tad is defending Jake. But Tad urges Simone to keep quiet about the affair and let it work out how it's going to. I have one thing to say about this scene... loved Tad and Simone's chemistry!

Greenlee soon realizes that slimy Andrew is not her secret emailer, and he's really putting the moves on strong so she runs off and hides from him. But when she actually is found by Carlos and goes back to the party, creepy Andrew is still there. It's our LEO duPRES MEMORIAL PASS THE HANDBAG MOMENT when it seems slimy Andrew is all set to do business with Fusion if Greenlee will get horizontal or vertical for that matter, with him. Greenlee blows him off, telling him they have an after party meeting, but she would meet him for breakfast to talk business. Once he leaves, Greenlee tells the girls what he did and they set up a trap. Greenlee calls revolting Andrew over to her loft and puts on the charm (and another slinky outfit), while the girls hide out, listen and tape what he says. Once he actually admits that he wants sex in exchange for shelf space for Fusion cosmetics, Greenlee calls the girls out of hiding and they reveal to him that they have what he said on tape. He thinks they are bluffing but they tell him he better resign his position or they will call all the newspapers and give them the tape. Disgusting Andrew leaves in a huff and the girls of Fusion feel victorious.

Well shoot, where was Trey during the party? Well, after Reggie gave a key to his loft to Luis, Reggie tried to keep Luis from actually ripping Trey off. But when Trey arrived back at the loft with Janelle, he panicked. He didn't want Luis to harm Janelle so he bopped Trey on the head with a flashlight. Janelle tends to Trey and is very disappointed to see that Reggie hit Trey and was stealing from him. Reggie is so scared that Luis will hurt Janelle that he confesses to everything, and that he worked alone. Reggie is arrested. But later, Trey bails Reggie out because he doesn't believe Reggie was stealing. Back at the loft, he tries to talk to Reggie and get him to trust him. In an effort to do that, Trey makes a really stupid move and confesses to Reggie that he really did burn down Erica's house. Trey honey, that is really going to come back and bite you in the ass.

Bianca and Lena report to Erica about the party, but after Erica leaves Bianca has some questions for Lena herself. It seems that one of the things Lena reported on was that Kendall turned Michael's offer of whisking her off to Tuscany down. Bianca can't for the life of her understand how Lena could have gotten that information and asks her about it. Lena covers by saying she heard the girls talking about it. But it seems as though Bianca is getting suspicious. Maybe Bianca has the same idea I do, that Lena is in cahoots with Michael Cambias. In an effort to throw her off, Lena asks Bianca out to dinner. It works. But as soon as Bianca leaves, Lena meets up with Boyd and asks him out on a date.

Bianca later finds Boyd and asks him if he thinks if Lena might be gay. Boyd tells her no way, and that Lena just came on to him. They decide to make a wager and see who can nail Lena first. Seems cute and fun. It'll be interesting to see how this transpires!

At the hospital, Anna is having contractions. She was given medication to stop them, but it hasn't worked and she's frightened. Aidan and Maria (I guess I should stop calling her that since everyone else has huh?) arrive and support Anna. Aidan tries to keep her calm and tells her about his and Maureen's adventure in the Bahamas. Anna is so bored with Aidan's story that her water breaks and they have to rush her into the operating room for an emergency c-section. In the operating room, David promises Anna that the baby will be OK and holds her hand for the whole procedure. He comforts her, speaks in soothing tones with soothing words and strokes Anna's face. It was incredibly beautiful and real, and David gets this weeks PERFORMER OF THE WEEK AWARD. The baby is born and both David and Anna are overjoyed. David goes to tell Maureen and Aidan that Anna and the baby are fine, so they decide to go home...which turns out to be Maureen's old room at the Pine Cone.

Anna tells David that she would like to name the baby after Leo anyway, even though she's a girl. They name their daughter Leora.

Aidan tells Maureen that he's loves her and that he fell in love with her the moment they met. Maureen returns the love and the two then have a very steamy love scene. Phew, pour some cold water on me please! It was hot! I do like them together. And I don't even feel sorry for Eddie. All bets were off when he took matters into his own hands and decided to be David Hayward, and give Maureen untested drugs. The next morning while Maureen is basking in the afterglow, Aidan is preparing breakfast for her in the bathroom. He walks out with a tray of strawberries and cream and sensually feeds them to his MOHReen. And just as things are about to get all hot and heavy again, there is a knock on the door. Maureen sits on the bed in all her bra and panties glory as Aidan opens the door for his visitor. It's Isabella and she gets an eyeful, as do we, of Maureen. Maureen quickly grabs her robe, but hey honey, no matter who was at the door, they would have seen you! The robe should have been put on before Aidan opened it. Isabella wants to talk so Aidan leaves them alone.

Isabella is very disappointed and wastes no time telling Maureen just that. Maureen is at first very defensive as Isabella tells her that she is breaking her children's hearts. She tells her that Maria would never do such a thing. She goes on to say that somewhere in here she knows she is a mother and that the kids need her.

Meanwhile, at Wildwind, Edmund is doing his very best to explain to Maddie why Maureen is not her mommy. Edmund explains that they have to let Maureen be herself and not try and make her into who they want her to be. But Maddie wants her mommy and wants Edmund to keep trying. Edmund tells Maddie that Maureen may never remember being her mommy. Maddie starts to understand in a very heart wrenching moment, she asks Edmund if he will always be her daddy. One thing has kept this from being scene of the week. The absence of Sammy. Sure, Edmund explains away why he's not there in a later scene, but this is not the first time that AMC has neglected to have Sam around for the important scenes, and only focus on Maddie. It's almost like they make it seem that, as an adopted child, Sam isn't as important. Is that what you are trying to convey AMC?

After Isabella puts the big guilt trip on, Maureen heads over to Wildwind to see Edmund again. It's interesting how Edmund has suddenly realized that he cannot make Maureen into Maria. Too little too late Edmund. And now, it's Maureen who can't let go. She doesn't want to hurt the kids anymore than she already has. Edmund tells her to be who she is, and that he wants her to be a part of the kids lives. He said she has to stop being stuck between Maria and Maureen. When Maddie comes into the room, she tells Maureen that she knows she's not her mommy and that her daddy explained everything to her. A heartbroken Maureen tells Maddie she will come visit her and Sam all the time.

Erica takes a meeting at the Valley Inn with Michael. My only guess is that Erica hopes that Kendall will see them, and she does. Erica plays it for all she's worth once she sees that Kendall is spying on them. She pulls out all the stops with her hair tossing and flirting until Kendall just cannot take it anymore and bursts in on their meeting. Kendall thinks that Michael is going after Erica because she wouldn't go to Tuscany with him. A hurt (yeah right) Michael tells Kendall if that's what she really thinks, then they never meant a thing to each other. Kendall tells Michael to take a hike. All the while Erica sits there snickering.

Back at her office, Chris comes to see Erica and reveals that he knows she had lunch with Michael Cambias and what they discussed. Erica is not at all happy to know that Chris is having her followed and watched. Chris thinks he's doing this for her own good because of her flirty business practices, but Erica tells him she's in control and knows what she's doing. I have to side with La Kane on this one. Chris is being an overbearing jerk. Erica tells him that she's gotten along fine and will continue to do so, with or without him. But Chris is convinced that she's trying to destroy their relationship. I have to wonder why he doesn't think he's doing that by having her spied on.

Greenlee decides she must find out who the mystery emailer is so she asks Chris Stamp if he'd use his FBI connections to trace the email. He refuses. Greenlee calls PVHS to find out if they can send someone over who is good with computers. Who do they send? That tattletaling little wench, Joni. Once that goody goody realizes what Greenlee wants, she refuses to help her too. Liza comes in and says tells Greenlee she knows Joni and knows she wouldn't do something like that. Joni is a little shocked and asks Liza why she thinks she knows her. Liza tells her that she not only knows her, she used to be here and rips Joni apart for hiding behind doing what is right and using truth to get what she wants. She goes on to tell Joni that JR will not turn to her and that no one likes back stabbers. Joni stomps out in a huff.

Tad heads over to Jake's office only to find Skankison in there instead of Jake. Tad sends her on her merry way so he can wait for Jake, but he finds a letter addressed to him and one for Mia. Ut oh, this can't be good.

Simone arrives at the office to confront Jake, but instead she finds Tad. The who have some spirited words again and when Mia arrives, Tad ducks out and just tells her he'll be there for her if she needs him and leaves. A confused Mia asks what is going on so Simone gives her the letter, which explains he has left to join Doctors without Borders (which is actually a real organization). He tells her that he has been unfaithful and that she should start over. Mia is left stunned and heartbroken. Simone tries to comfort her, but Mia wants to know who...who was it that Jake slept with. Right on cue, Skankison comes back to see if Jake has arrived. Have you ever wondered why Mia's nickname used to be Rocky? Well it looks like we're about to find out! Seeing Skankison looking for Jake, Mia puts it together and slaps her right across the face! Not missing a beat, Skankison blames Mia for Jake's infidelity, telling her that she was too busy to notice she was losing him. Seeing the note, the skank asks Simone if Jake left anything for her. Damn that girl has balls! Simone told her that he's probably already forgotten her and to get out.

Once Skankison leaves, Simone tries to comfort Mia once again, but Rocky comes back and on she whacks Simone now, for not telling her when she knew that Jake was cheating. Simone very feebly defends her actions, but now Mia is blaming Greenlee for what happened and takes off back to Fusion. Simone gives chase.

Rocky storms into the office, goes right up to Greenlee and slaps her across the face, telling her it's all her fault that Jake is gone and that she made her work too much and suck up to repulsive Andrew. Liza comes over and asks what is going on and a spent Mia collapses into her sisters arms, saying that Jake is gone. Simone, Greenlee, Kendall and Liza all rally around their friend in her time of need. Friends. Friends who are there for one another no matter what... it's an amazing SCENE OF THE WEEK. Mia was absolutely incredible. She went through a range of emotions from confusion and sadness at Jake's office which soon turned to anger, then blaming herself after seeing Alison. From there she went into denial and blaming others. Ending with despair. Bravo!!! It was amazing all the way around. And out of it came this weeks LINE OF THE WEEK, as Mia is breaking down a very timid Greenlee says, "She slapped me." It was definitely about the delivery, so I hope you saw it!

This weeks AMC gets a C+. There was really great acting this week... from David and Anna, to Mia, to Simone and Tad. But the grade is reflected in the ruination of Jake Martin. Not only was his final scene getting caught in a broom closet with his pants down, but he also took off, out of town with no notice to anyone. Jake Martin would never shirk his responsibilities as Chief of Staff at Pine Valley Hospital. He would never leave them in the lurch that way. Shame on AMC for not giving him a more fitting send off. J. Eddie deserves better than that!