The Pine Valley Bulletin

Welcome to Pine Valley's only online newspaper!

Established 1998


June 5, 2006

I know it's been a very long time, and I apologize! I have been very very busy trying to get my own business off the ground and haven't had the time to dedicate to writing about our favorite show. What can I say, sometimes real life gets in the way of reel life! So let's get on with it. Today's musical selections are Iggy Pop American Caesar; The Gaza Strippers From the Desk of Dr. Freepill...; Cherry Poppin Daddies Zoot Suit Riot; Violent Femmes Add It Up (1981-1993); and The Godfathers More Songs about Love and Hate. This Editorial reflects the shows from May 29 through June 2

So JR, in his infinite idiocy, decided to kill Babe, based on a few words from everyone's favorite psycho, Janet. In JRLand, that makes perfect sense. Just like it made perfect sense to kidnap Krystal at gunpoint, etc etc etc. We all know the litany of JR's stupidity. No need to rehash it again. So, he decides to kill Babe. He goes to the FUSION construction site, rigs the construction materials and then calls Babe to meet him. That's called premeditation. But alas, it wasn't JR's wife who showed up at the site to talk to JR. It was his "best friend" Kendall. Why they continually call these two best friends is beyond me. Kendall, pregnant and happy... in love with her husband and her baby is taken down but that drunken fool. And her and her baby's life now hang in the balance because of his rage. Babe figured it out pretty quickly, that JR meant it to be her. How could you not figure it out? And as much as he denied it, it just made him all the more guilty. But hearing him confess to comatose Kendall is what really proved it to Babe. Blah blah blah... Stuart bailed JR out, took him on a tour of Pine Valley to eavesdrop on everyone ala A Christmas Carol and suddenly JR is a changed man... AGAIN. That was so incredibly lame I can't even believe I'm writing it. Adam as the Ghost of Christmas Past. Dixie as the Ghost of Christmas Present and Babe as the Ghost of Christmas Future. OMG, just putting it in print brings it to new heights of lamosity. But it matters not! JR is a new man! He's different this time... really. zzzzzzzzzzzz

Stuart brings JR to the Boathouse to see Babe, much to her dismay. Can you blame her? She's freaked that the freak who wanted to kill her is now standing in front of her when he should be behind bars. And when he apologizes to her and asks forgiveness, Babe believes that he just wants to make sure she won't testify against him. Ahh, being in the Chandler family has taught her well! Babe tells JR exactly what he did, in such a way that she gets this weeks LINE OF THE WEEK: "You invited me into a construction site so you could go all Wile E. Coyote on me and drop an anvil on my head." Then she hauls off and slaps the heck out of the jerk! Oh, if ever there was a rewind moment, that was it. SLAP (rewind) SLAP (rewind) SLAP!!! Babe took care of it this week so I don't have to! Nah, actually as much as I'd like to slap him every week, JR won't be receiving it. In fact, it will probably end up going to Babe herself! Read on.

As Babe and JR continue to talk, JR tells her that he is seeking treatment for alcoholism. Apparently alcoholism runs in the Chandler family. Skye is one, Hayley is one, now JR is one. Colby's on her way back as a teen... a teen born in 200 mind you, but a teen nonetheless. Perhaps she's already a young lush. Adam does bring this out of all his kids. While they are arguing Babe falls backwards into the water. You know, I'm not exactly sure which body of water the Boathouse is on anymore. It could be Willow Lake. It could be the Pine Valley Ocean. But that's besides the point. It was his chance to rid the world of Babe for good. There were no witnesses (well Stuart knows he's there, but I guess that didn't matter). But instead he pulled her out of the water and Babe started to soften. You could see she's falling for that "I'm a changed man routine" already. And then he shows her that he signed a confession, admitting to everything he did. He's ready to actually pay for what he's done. There will be no trial at all, just a sentencing. JR tells Babe that he wants to be a man she can love again. I'm about to gag.

It's gratuitous boys being shirtless day in Pine Valley!! I'm only human, you're damn right I loved it! It started out with Julia walking into the On Call room for hospital personnel only to find my boyfriend Josh making out with some skankola nurse! Who is that whore! Let me at her! Thankfully Julia chased her away and she scurried off like insignificant skanks usually do. Josh though, is not pleased that his afternoon booty call was chased away. As a gesture of, I don't know what, Josh starts to strip in front of Julia. Be still my approaching middle aged heart! I do believe I may faint! Julia isn't nearly as impressed as I am, silly girl, so Josh heads into the shower after making some snarky remark to her about being a peon at the hospital and not qualified to use the on call room.

As Julia stands there missing her opportunity for a snappy comeback, she runs into an almost nekkid Jamie! Oh my, is it getting hot in here or what? YEE HAA!!!! Check out those abs!! Julia sure is. Do I detect a little drool in the corner of her mouth? I think I do. Jamie notices that Julia is starting to get woozy, gazing at his glorious chest and abs and suggests that she take a break from the hospital. She nods, muttering "Break, yes. Nurse. Pecks. Wow." They head to the beach... this time I'm pretty sure it's the Pine Valley Ocean. They throw some innuendo at each other and suddenly they're stripping down to their skivvies and jumping into the ocean. And after the cold dip in the ocean, they start making out like there is no tomorrow! And you know, in McTavish land of writing crap, there may actually be no tomorrow. I don't mind saying that I thought Jamie and Julia were scotching hot! And while I wanted to see something develop with her dalliance with David, I honestly don't mind seeing where this little flirtation with Jamie goes. But Julia, not wanting to be Mrs. Robinson to Jamie's Benjamin Braddock, put on the brakes too fast! Foolish girl!

Under normal circumstances, Aidan and Erin fixing a flat tire would fall under MEANINGLESS DRIVEL OF THE WEEK. But since it features a shirtless Aidan scene, it has taken on much more meaning! I don't really remember what happened, other than Erin and Aidan were trying to get to NYC (maybe? I don't know) to find Jonathan and Lily when they were sidelined by a flat. I think Erin then broke the jack or something, and the next thing I know, right as I'm about to yawn, my screen is filled with the lusciousness that is Aidan's bod! Oh yes. I extend my thanks to the Gods of Gratuitous sex and bow at your feet for delivering the show from May 29 upon us! Boys boys boys!!!! Woo hoo!!!!

OK. I've splashed some cold water on my face. Back to the action! JR, who is wearing far too many clothes, is telling Babe that she can have a divorce and custody of Little Adam if that is what she wants. But he tells her that he doesn't want to lose her. Babe is softening more and more by the minute. You'd think she would be smarter than to fall for his "I'm a changed man" act again. Oh right, this time he really means it. *yawn* But falling for it she is and when she says that she cannot imagine her life without him, I scream at my TV... "But Babe you almost had NO life because of him!!" She didn't hear me. She's not sure how they can get back to the way they were after all this, but JR assures her that he no longer wants to be that JR and asks her to help him change and be a better man. I'm not sure he should be asking Babe for this kind of help, but I guess it's better than asking Adam!

They take their discussion back to the mansion where Krystal goes Mama Bear on JR after seeing that Babe is all wet, and assumes that he tried to drown her. You know, I can't even say this was a silly conclusion to jump to! It wasn't. Babe defends JR to her mother, and this is where I have to give her I NEED TO BE SLAPPED AWARD. She tells her he's trying??? Trying what? Not to kill her??? Babe is far too forgiving, far too fast. Sucker much Babe? JR tells Adam that he wants to take responsibility for what he has done. Adam thinks this is very admirable, but unnecessary. There are many ways they can still get JR out of the charges against him. JR tells him no... he's going to do what is right for once. I have to give him props for this... even if I'm not convinced yet that he truly means it. His turnabouts last about as long as the life span of a mayfly. And then JR tells them that he heard Tad and Dixie talking about Kate and that she's alive. They're all shocked. JR wants to find out more and decides to go to the hospital.

Jamie and Julia have already headed back to the hospital themselves. It seems that after Julia pulled the plug on their make out session they had nothing better to do but talk about how Amanda is being conned by Dr. Madman, so Jamie goes to try and talk Amanda out of this silly notion that she is going to be a surrogate. Amanda is not at all pleased that Jamie and Julia are double teaming her and trying to turn her against Dr. Madman. With some time alone with Amanda, Jamie tries to convince her that leaving town with Madman is a really bad idea. Later Jamie confronts Madman himself and tells him there is no way he's taking Amanda with him. Greg just laughs and pats Jamie on the head, telling him to run along and play. But when Julia enters and threatens to expose Greg as the only sperm donor he has in the fertility clinic, Jamie pipes in that it would make a great expose for his mom's magazine. That's Tempo in case you have forgotten. And his mom is Brooke. You know... Brooke English? I know it's been forever since we've seen or heard about either of them. Greg backs off and ends up telling Amanda she's not ready to come with him. Amanda is mighty ticked at whatever Jamie said to him that made him change his mind about her. My question is, if it was so easy to get Greg to back down by threatening an expose in Tempo, why aren't they actually doing this? Oh I know, that's because it would give Brooke storyline!

Over at the hospital, Zach has barricaded himself in Kendall's room and vows that no one will take Spike before he's ready to be born. Ryan, who had been trying to fight to have the baby taken by c-section so that Kendall can get the medication she needs to relieve the bleeding and pressure in her brain, has had a change of heart and tries to convince Zach through the door that he is now on his side. What changed his mind? Ryan realized that he's in love with Kendall. You know, it doesn't ring true with me that Ryan would be in love with Kendall. Love her, yes... in love with her, no. But there is so much pain involved for everyone, that confusing feelings could certainly arise. But right now he thinks he's in love with her so that's what we'll go with. Once Zach lets Ryan in the room, Ryan explains to comatose Kendall that he was wrong but is now on her side. Zach asks him what changed, so Ryan confides to him that he realized he's in love with her, but he also realizes that Zach makes her happy. Ryan admits that making Kendall happy was never something he himself was good at. He tells Zach that he thought he knew what she would want, and he was wrong. But Zach knew all along. Ryan's heartfelt speech earns him this weeks PERFORMER OF THE WEEK award. I know many are going to disagree and that's fine. But I didn't think he took anything away from Zach at all. He basically told him the better man has the girl. That is a lot for Ryan to admit to, and I commend him for it.

Kendall's condition suddenly worsens and a decision has to be made now... do they take the baby or let Kendall fail? Faced with no idea what they should do, Erica turns to Greg and demands that he save both Kendall and "her baby." God forbid Erica mutter the "G" word. But he refuses. I can't really blame the guy. Erica did 1) try to kill him and b) refused to allow him to see Kendall when she was brought in. Greg knows what a malpractice suit looks like apparently and goes on his merry way without helping Kendall.

Random comments:

In a moment of very bad timing, my boyfriend Josh has decided to take this moment... the one where Kendall's condition worsens, to confront Erica on what she is holding over his father's head. Erica tells him to get lost. Josh, what were you thinking you bad boy. Now come to mama for a spankin.

Erica absolutely refuses to believe that JR could have done this to Kendall. That seems really odd to me considering he already tried to kill Bianca when he pushed her off the balcony.

Krystal caught a rambunctious Miranda who took off from Bianca in the park. She seized her opportunity, when bringing Miranda back to Bianca to apologize to her for everything that had happened. I was very happy to see this. Nice scene that was a long time in coming!

With Kendall's condition getting worse, Zach lets Erica and Bianca into the room and even gives them some private time. It's an emotional scene as Erica begs Kendall to hold on, tells her how much she loves her and how they need more time together. Those emotional Erica and Kendall scenes always tug at my heartstrings. Their history being what it is, I just love seeing them love each other. It just warms the cockles.

An amnio is ordered to see if Spike is ready to be born and when it's determined that he is, Kendall is rushed to surgery to have the c-section. Zach and Ryan are both present in the operating room when Spike is brought into this world. It's touch and go for little Spike. And I do mean little! ComaKendall is listening for a cry and cannot hear one. Ryan stands by while the neonatal team works on Spike and begs for his son to breath. Oh my, it's tense! Suddenly everyone lets out a huge sigh of relief as Spike lets out a cry! Ryan goes and thanks Kendall for his son and then urges her to fight for her own life now.

As Bianca and Erica wait for Kendall to come out of surgery, Bianca asks Erica what is going on between her and Greg. Erica tries to remain mum about it. She doesn't want to tell Bianca what Greg did to her. But Bianca tells her that secrets are bad and they vowed to never have anymore secrets between them. That gets to Erica and she is just about to tell Bianca the truth when JR and Babe arrive. JR admits to them that he is responsible for Kendall's condition. Erica is distraught and tells him she doesn't want to hear anymore so Bianca ushers him out of the room where she then lays into him! He apologizes for what he did and Bianca fires back with, "What do you want me to say, JR? 'Good for you? Thanks for finally figuring out how to be a human being -- Oh, too bad it's too late for Kendall?' I get it, you're very, very sorry. Is that supposed to help things?" No letting the weasel off easy! I like that. He doesn't deserve to be let off easy just because he's suddenly sorry and has seen the error of his ways. When Babe stands there defending him though, Bianca cannot understand it. So in an effort to explain why she is doing it, she sends JR off so she can talk to Bianca alone. Babe tries her best to explain that while she may never be able to forget what JR has done, she has to try to help him for their son's sake. And since JR is doing his best to do the right thing, she thinks she should do what she can to help him. You know, I'm not buying it. Kick the jerk to the curb Babe!

When JR wonders off so Babe and Bianca can talk, he is immediately attacked by David. It's just too bad that he promised Dixie he wouldn't hurt the little weasel. So instead of physically hurting him, he does the next best thing and taunts him about his plans to win back the love of Dixie. You know, that might just hurt him more than a sound thrashing.

For some reason, Tad has chosen to believe that Madman gave him correct information about the family that adopted Kate and follows his lead with Dixie following him. They follow this lead to the middle of nowhere Maine and then their pilot leaves them stranded there. It suddenly dawns on them that they've been duped. No... really? Ya think? Dumb and Dumber are left out in the wilderness so Dumb decides the best course of action when left in the forest to fend for yourself is to start a fire in the only shelter you have to lure rescue teams to them. Sure, Tad claims that the fire is controlled because it had recently rained, but a stiff wind in the wrong direction and the trees ignite and then you're wishing Smoky Bear was there to save you. But he lucks out... the fire did go out on its own and help did arrive. But alas, Tad is arrested for arson. Duh.

Back in the ICU, Kendall's condition has not improved even after she was given the drug. Ryan hopes Erica will understand why he changed his position. But apparently she doesn't because she runs out of the room, hair flying in the wind.

Josh is not happy at all to find that Greg is leaving town and knows that it has something to do with Erica. Greg tells Josh that he's leaving for new opportunities and wants him to go too. But Josh isn't ready to leave Pine Valley. It's when Greg pulls the old, you wouldn't be alive if it weren't for me talk that Josh gets upset and tells him that he's sick of hearing about how Greg is the be all and end all of the fertility universe. Then Greg tells Josh that his mother never wanted him and Josh goes ballistic and tells him that he knows that's not true and that his mother loved him. The part Greg is leaving out is that the mother in question isn't the sainted Mrs. Madman, but Erica. Erica happens upon this exchange and conveniently hides when Josh leaves the room only to walk in herself and give Greg the big "I told you so." Never one to be caught off guard, Greg tells her that he has a contingency plan and then injects her with a drug.

Things go from weird to weirder as Greg has a drugged Erica lying on his office sofa as he continues packing. It's when he hears voices... JR, Babe, Di, Del and Jamie, all outside his office that he stuffs Erica in a trunk, realizing they are going to come into his office since they are all very loudly discussing how Madman knows where Kate is right outside his door. And they do. Madman is ready for them and gives them the same story he gave Tad. Dixie is nuts and cannot accept the death of her daughter. He whips out his handy dandy all purpose death certificate to prove it. And who is the only one of all of them that actually believe Greg? JR of course. He has a tendency to believe what insane people say. Del plays up to Greg though, pretending he does believe him and even helps him move the trunk that is carrying precious cargo Erica, to the airport for him. Then for no apparent reason that I can fathom, Greg drugs Del.

While Julia is taking Ryan to see Spike, and Ryan gets to touch him for the first time, Derek has arrived at the hospital room and is arresting Zach. Derek has a huge list of charges, including kidnapping and 9 counts of aggravated assault and 11 counts of endangering lives of others, to name a few. Ryan gets back just in time to see that Zach is refusing to go. He tells him he doesn't need a resisting arrest charge on top of everything and assures him that he'll have Livia meet him at the jail and get him out quickly. Zach wants to say good bye to Kendall first so they allow him to go into the room where he tells his lady love that he'll be back as soon as he can and puts her wedding ring back on her finger. Awww... I'm getting choked up and I can't imagine what would be more deserving of SCENE OF THE WEEK.

Not knowing where Erica is (Binks! She's in a trunk in Madman's plane!!!!), and with Jack completely MIA through this whole ordeal, Bianca and Ryan are left alone to sit with Kendall. The emotional toll is getting to both of them and they break down into tears, clinging to each other while urging Kendall to come back to them and her son.

Hold on to your hats folks, we have a Jackson Montgomery sighting! He's in NYC with Reggie and they are looking for Lily with Aidan. Aidan has the unfortunate task of informing Jack that Jonathan and Lily have applied for a marriage license. They head to the courthouse immediately, which just happens to be where Jonathan and Lily are waiting to get married. Lily freaks when the clerk is wearing red, but Jonathan explains to the clerk what is happening with Lily and she's really sweet and understanding about it. It's kind of nice. You'd think most people would call her a freak and move to the next person in line. But she puts her coat back on and checks Lily and Jonathan in. As they walk off, Jonathan collapses in pain. The headaches are getting worse. He hit his head on the radiator in Lily's room when he saved her from creepy Terry. You just know that it will somehow lead to his being cured. It has to if for no other reason than it's totally stupid and contrived and that is AMC lately. Lily touches Jonathan for the first time when she helps him up. That is one thing I never really understood. She says she's in love with Jonathan but she won't touch him at all. She had no problem holding hands with Sam, kissing him and heck even making out. But she won't touch Jonathan at all. It doesn't make much sense. Anyway, after a comedy of errors... the metal detectors not working then when they do Jack having far too much metal on him and having to keep taking things off, they finally get through and race up to the courthouse where marriages are performed. Jack, Reggie and Aidan walk in just as Lily and Jonathan are being pronounced husband and wife.

It's time to give AMC a grade for the week... we have really bad, predictable and contrived storylines but we had a lot of eye candy this week too. Which kind of brings up the curve a bit. How about this, seeing scantily clad hotties like Jamie, Josh and Aidan is a big A+, but the show in general is a D. I haven't been this disinterested in AMC for a very long time. And still, it's not the worst I've ever seen either!