The Pine Valley Bulletin

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Established 1998


June 25, 2000

First of all, did you all notice how many of the women were wearing hats at the wedding, aside of course from Farrah Cooney Martin, Charlie's newest angel. Phoebs, Myrt, Marian and Isabella all had on hats. Opal had something on her head, but it looked more like a tree than a hat. I guess I don't really have a point, just that I noticed it and thought it was pretty cool. It looked classy.

Everyone gushed and cooed for Hayley and Mateo, which in and of itself made me sick, but that's besides the point. I guess Edmund made a lovely toast but I tuned it out. And being the big mover and shaker in the music business that Mateo is, he got some guy named Kevon Edmunds that I've never heard of to sing a song I've never heard to his lovely bride. Everyone swooned. Whatever.

Edmund and Alex decided that someone else's wedding day was the perfect day to announce to the world that they are an item. I can't decide what they logic was.... was it let's overshadow the bride and groom because everyone loves us? Or since no one cares about us, maybe no one will notice? Well, people did notice. Isabella being the first one they approached after making kissy face on the dance floor. Izzie looked like she wanted to rip Alex's head off, but instead said she was happy for him and knew that it was what Maria would have wanted. Mateo and Hayley make their way over to the happy couple, and as Hayley gushes about how thrilled they are and how they never had a clue, Mateo tells her that he knew and she blows off that little indiscretion with a "yeah right." Honesty has always been the cornerstone of Hayley and Mateo's relationship hasn't it? OK, that's a minor lie, but small lies lead to bigger and bigger lies until your a addicted to lies and have to go into rehab. Phew, slap me, I'm getting hysterical already!

A little excitement is just around the corner when Erica goes ballistic and tells Alex that she's barely waited for Dimitri's body to go cold before she takes up with his brother... or something like that. Edmund tries to explain that neither of them planned for this to happen and anyway Dimitri's been dead for almost a year. Excuse me Edmund, I hate to point this out to you but Dimitri has been dead since late September, not July as his headstone would indicate. I guess he forgot that Dimitri has already come back to life once. Not that it matters anyway, they've been together since a few months after Dim walked into the Pennsylvania ocean for a little underwater fun with Maria, who I think has probably turned into a mermaid by now. Anyway David steps in to break up the scene Erica is making and tells them that Erica forgot to take her medication that day and drags her off kicking and screaming.

In the meantime, Dimitri has washed up on the shore of the same Pennsylvania ocean that he supposedly walked into last fall. When he comes to, he gets up and goes looking for Alex sort of like a Frankenstein looking for love. "Alex" is about all he can say at this point, in a gravely, I just survived a plane crash and a near drowning, kind of voice. He staggers his way all the way to the Hunting Lodge, which, knowing Pine Valley is right down the street since landmarks seem to move at will to accommodate storylines. He bursts in yelling the only word he can remember for the moment... "ALEX!" Alas, she's not home so he has an hallucination about what their reunion would be like while listening the music box he gave her as a wedding gift. Then he finds the invitation to Hayley and Mateo's wedding, which is at the Church of the Good Shepherd, not Wildwind as I had thought (duh, forgot that they made Wildwind the decoy wedding destination to throw off Arlene). Poor Dim, he has to go find this place now, which will be quite a feat since it didn't exist eight months ago when he was still on the show.

Back at the wedding, Ryan and Gillian have secretly gone to Hayley's dressing room for a little afternoon delight. Tramplee had set up a meeting with an investor at the wedding and was looking for Ryan, but he was nowhere to be found andblew the meeting. I don't think he cares much though. You know, I have to say again that I love Ryan and Gillian and I like watching them get it on even, but I do think that they should do more than boink. They should talk once in awhile, and about more than keeping their secret and trying to throw Tramplee off. Anyway, after they are done and fixed back up to perfection, not a hair out of place even, Ryan goes back first and runs into Tramplee who is none too pleased that he blew off the meeting. When Gilly gets back, she asks MyAdrian for a dance, knowing he's keeping the secret. MyAdrian gives her some attitude and tells her that he thinks what she's doing stinks. And again I'm compelled to chastise MyAdrian. What is it to him anyway? He says Jake's his family? Well that's a stretch. And anyway, didn't any of the sanctimonious Martin's see how much Gillian was hurt in all this?? I mean come on! They guy left her and didn't even have the courtesy to tell her! And then he had the audacity to think she'd just sit around and wait for him to return. And while I'm on Jake, I'm hearing a lot of people speculate that he's going to come back with an injury, thus Gillian will feel too guilty to ask for a divorce. Very possible indeed, my thinking on this subject is that he's going to bring home one of these newly orphaned children he saved, causing the same effect... Gillian will feel too guilty to leave him.

MEANINGLESS DRIVEL OF THE WEEK - Leo cuts in on Scott and Becca on the dance floor and sweeps her off her feet. Scott starts plotting on how to make Becca see that Leo's a scum. Better hurry up Scott, you're time in Pine Valley is running out.

Oh, and before I forget... AMC decided to uh, honor the memory of the Dillon's by having Trevor send a telegram to the bride and groom. Personally I think it's pretty crappy that they couldn't keep Janet and Amanda around for another month or so and bring Trevor back to reunite with them and all enjoy Hayley and Mateo's wedding as a family, and then go. And how funny is it that there was not one mention of Mateo's sister Anita in all this. Mama and Rosa came to the wedding, they got a card from Noah and Julia (via Jack) and even Maria's memory was mentioned. Alas, poor Anita in Chicago with Bobby Warner is completely forgotten. Eh, who cares, I never liked her anyway.

And now, the real excitement begins! Adam and Arlene arrive at the Valley Inn in search of food, only to find that there is a private party going on and the dining room is closed. While Arlene goes to the kitchen to try and rustle up some grub for her man, Adam decides to crash the party and hit the buffet table. Wouldn't you know, it's the exact time that Hayley and Mateo are cutting the cake, and since Adam interrupted I didn't get to see her smash it in his face! Hayley is thrilled to see her father actually did come to her wedding, little did she know it was purely accidental. Her euphoria wears off mighty quick when Arlene comes rushing in with one of the biggest sandwiches I've ever seen, for Adam. Arlene catches sight of her baby in a wedding dress and some blinding white teeth in a tuxedo and realizes that they are at the wedding. As her new son in law moves in to try and make her leave, she tells him that Arlene Vaughn may not be welcome but Mrs. Adam Chandler gets to stay wherever she wants.

Jaws hit the floor in record numbers as Arlene hugs Hayley and tells her that today is her wedding day too and they should celebrate together. Hayley wanders off in stunned disbelief as her husband tries to console her. My favorite part of this is when Mama goes over to Hayley and Mateo and tells them that she'd like to smack the daylights out of Arlene. Oh how great a scene that would have been if she had! Instead, Arlene goes over to Hayley and big bad Mateo intercepts and pushes her backwards into the cake. To which Hayley says, "look what she did!" Guess she didn't see her new husband shove her into it. Everyone is shocked by the scene, Tad lashes out at Adam for his insensitivity in regards to Junior and Hayley, and Arlene flirts with anything that will move and picks a piece of wedding cake off her sleeve and eats it. The wedding guests all seem to leave in a hurry after this.

Let's cut here and head back over to Dimitri, who has actually found the church. Unfortunately everyone is already gone. Dim takes this opportunity to thank God for all his blessings, and for surviving so much adversity. Leaving the wedding, Alex decides she wants to go back to the church so Edmund goes with her. Little do they know that Dimmie is hanging out there, chattin it up with the big guy upstairs. Dim hears them coming so he hides, which is rather odd considering how he burst into the Hunting Lodge earlier to find Alex. While he's hiding, he hears Edmund and Alex profess their love and seal it with a kiss. Dimitri is devastated by what he hears and immediately flashes back to his own wedding with Alex, where she promised to love him till death do they part. Well... that about explains it, she thinks he's dead. Granted she did get on with her life (excuse the pun) rather quickly as Erica was pleased to point out.

After Edmund and Alex leave, Dimitri seems to embrace an invisible Alex, I think. I'm not exactly sure. He's devastated and it's purely understandable. His memory of his life with Alex was what kept him going all those months. But this was also the most over the top scene I have seen in awhile. From the gut wrenching scream of "NO!!!" when he thought back to seeing Edmund and Alex, to seeing Alex's face in one of the candles. That was almost as scary as Ryan seeing himself in the fireplace! And if you think I'm being overly critical of Michael Nader's performance, then let me just give you a quote from the man himself from the latest issue of Soap Opera Update. He is talking about how he is looking forward to getting back to working with Finola Hughes and he says, "You know, you sign a contract and you don't know what's going to happen. I hope when we get over this hysterical action/adventure sequence, we'll get back to some of the chemistry that Finola and I have - that will be good." And in further talking about his storyline, he says, "We just have to get through all this melodrama and back to some more intelligent dialogue." My feelings exactly Michael! Granted, it's perfectly logical that Dimitri would feel betrayed and question God's plan for him, but to me all these histrionics are more comical then anything else.

Back at the Valley Inn, Hayley gets set to give Arlene and Adam a piece of her mind. This scene would have really been good if Hayley hadn't touted how wonderful Mateo is after everything she said. How he taught her how to love because her parents don't even know what it means. Well honey, I hate to tell you, but if that's love you can have it. Hayley then asks Mateo to take her away, and after tossing her bouquet to Liza, they leave and Mateo takes her to the beach for a preview of some really nauseating scenes to come.

Becca decides that she's just going to go home with Leo so Scott could be with his family and try to console Hayley who just left. Scott has other plans though and pays a couple of thug waiters to lock Leo up in the wine cellar. And when Tramplee asks the thugs what they did with her friend Leo, they toss her in there with him. Becca is confused when she can't find Leo and Ryan is confused when he can't find Tramplee. And while no one is really going too far out of their way to find Tramplee and Leo, the two of them are drinking wine and getting more and more drunk. They decide to play a little game of "Truth or Dare" and Tramplee asks Leo if he was being serious when he said she was bad in bed. Leo admits he lied and Tramplee decides to give him another go. So while Tramplee is trying to suck Leo's whole face into her mouth, Ryan finds them making out in the cellar after asking some guys in the kitchen if they've seen Tramplee. Funny thing is, they all seem to know her. I guess I didn't nickname her Tramplee for nothing! Tramplee is sufficiently horrified that Ryan caught them and tries to fluff it off. Leo then finds Becca and Scott again and drunkenly tries to paw Becca, who totally rejects him. Scott is feeling rather superior at this point and takes Becca back to the Gatehouse thinking he may just get lucky. Becca has other plans though and reminds Scott of the Day of Compassion. Just then Liza interrupts them so let's not get too far ahead of ourselves and back up a bit.

Back at the Valley Inn, Liza is so upset about Adam and Arlene being married. She just can't believe it, but Arlene is very excited to rub it in her face and walk off. With bouquet that she caught from Hayley in hand, Liza wings it at Arlene's head and gives a potential line of the week when she says, "Hey Arlene, when in doubt, say it with flowers." Arlene and Adam head home to Chandler Mansion where Arlene has seduction in mind. She shows Adam their wedding photo and we are treated to a flashback of the nuptials from hell. In the office of the Justice of the Peace, Arlene is gushing about how she wants the deluxe wedding, the one with the bouquet, the Wedding March and two doves that get released by the bride and groom after they say "I do." Adam replies with this weeks LINE OF THE WEEK when he says, "Life hasn't crapped on me enough, now you want birds flying overhead?" Adam then tells Arlene exactly why he is marrying her and doesn't care one little bit about her feelings. He tells her that he wants everyone to hate him and the only way to do that is to marry her. Arlene has a rather stricken expression, but she's on the bullet train to Delusionville with a pit stop in Denialland. She thinks she's going to get Adam to fall in love with her. So back in the present, we see Arlene in a robe as she's about to crawl into bed with Adam when Liza bursts in. Liza is frantic and crazed and does not believe the marriage is real. Arlene is not happy about this interruption because she knows that Adam still loves Liza, but her fears are soon put to rest when Adam tells Liza that he married Arlene because she is his equal and that she understands him. Then he really goes in for the kill when he tells Liza that he doesn't expect her to understand or grasp it because it's beyond her ability. He tells her that she has no pride left and that she has debased herself by coming there. Liza leaves the room, but returns a few minutes later with an armful of furs and jewels and gives them to Arlene so she can look the part of Mrs. Chandler. She tells Arlene that she better not delude herself into thinking Adam loves her because he loves no one, not even Stuart. Then she tells Adam she never wants to see him and he'll never see Colby again either then leaves for good. Arlene goes back into seduction mode after this and Adam tells her to get the hell out of his room.

Back at the Gatehouse, Liza has just interrupted Becca and Scott and is very upset. Becca and Scott leave her alone and soon Marian comes home. Taking a cue from Mateo and using the most overused phrase for AMC lately, Liza tells Marian that Adam is dead to her.

St. Dixie tells Tad that she got a job as Administrative Assistant to Dr. Hayward at the Andrassy Foundation. Oh, Tad is not thrilled about this and is pretty ticked that she didn't talk to him first before excepting the job. Good point Tad, I can see how Dix would be totally ticked off if Tad had taken a job without talking to her first, especially one with Liza again, which is exactly what he is going to do, HA! But St. Dixie tries to defend David to Tad and actually has the nerve to say, "people change." EXCUSE ME??? When did she ever give that consideration to anyone!? Later, after talking to Joe, Tad tells Dixie that he got her a different job at the hospital so she won't have to work for David after all. But Dixie tells him she's not going to take a job from her father in law... like that ever stopped her before, and is going to work for David after she takes Junior to summer camp. She goes to David's office to fill out the paperwork before she starts and David tells her that he's really surprised she's taking the job knowing how Tad feels about him. Dixie tells him she believes in second chances, and third and fourth chances if necessary. Uh huh... you're that open minded Dixie. Second chances my ass, when has she ever been that forgiving to anyone!? Liza, Adam, Janet, Tad even! David tells Dixie that he has about 3 days worth of filing for her to get started on, but she tells him that since Junior has had such a hard time with his father and with coping with Stuart's death, she's shipping him off to summer camp and will start when she gets back. David is pissed, filing is way more important than getting your distraught kid out of your hair for the summer. Yep you guessed it, all this spells one thing, Dixie gets this weeks I NEED TO BE SLAPPED award, with honorable mention going to Tad for going behind her back to get her a different job.

Here's your don't say I didn't warn you warning in regards to the Mateo and Hayley lovefest rant I'm about to have. Oh how I wanted to fast forward this, but alas, if I report on AMC I must watch every minute, even if it's as disgusting as this. First Mateo feeds Hayley some chocolate pudding that has been sitting under the bed for God knows how long and is probably covered in lint from bedspread that Tina gave them as a gift. Then the mood changes, the music starts and Mateo undresses Hayley, only to reveal her training bra. This weeks MOST VOMIT INDUCING SCENE is filmed porno style... blurred lens, body part close ups, panting mouth close up. The only thing it lacked to give it that real porn feel was the cheesy sax music. And to two of my weekly chatters Tracey and Janice, Mr. Diva's reaction to this scene was and I quote, "Oh my God, that was utterly revolting!"

At the Valley Inn, Erica asked Leo to join her and David for breakfast to talk about his future. She wants Leo to get a job and get his act together so she lined up some interviews for him. Leo isn't too keen on the idea. While they are discussing this, Nessie walks in and orders breakfast. The waiter informs her that PC has cut off her credit and they cannot serve her. Guess Nessie doesn't carry any cash because she could only scrape up enough change for a cup of coffee. Erica and David are really enjoying the show, but Leo isn't. He calls them on their behavior, telling them they sit there and tell him how to act all the while sniping and making fun of Vanessa. After calling them both a couple of hypocrites, he walks out. Good point Leo. Later, Myrtle gives Erica a warning about staying out of Leo and David's relationship. Erica of course, doesn't want to hear it so she changes the subject and asks Myrt about Rae. Everyone, even Myrt, knows that Erica could give two hoots about Rae.

Gillian takes a stupid chance and goes to see Ryan at the loft. As usual, they talk very little and go straight to making out. That is until Tramplee shows up. Gilly hides in the bedroom while Ryan stutters and stammers his way into making Tramplee extremely suspicious. Ryan covers by telling Tramplee that he was jealous when he saw her with Leo. Thrilled with herself, Tramplee tells Ryan that she has no interest in Leo. After she leaves, he and Gilly try and decide how to handle this new lie.

Dim's been hiding out in the stable and when he hears Alex and Edmund approaching, he hides. He listens to them talk about what happened to Maximilian. When they leave, Dim clutches his head in pain. Seems his stint at Bryn Wydd didn't cure his disease. Dim calls Dr. Silbert at Seaview Hospital and says he needs to see him right away. I wonder how he's going to get there.

Alex goes to the hospital to do some work since she hasn't been there in months probably. MyAdrian just happens to know to find her there and gives her some more information on Anna Devane. He tells her that Anna was a double agent and just as he tells her that he doesn't trust her, Edmund walks in and gets in a big huff and tells him to get the hell out. Alex defends him by saying he shouldn't trust her and that it'll help them more. Ed gets that dopey "why didn't I think of that grin" and suddenly is buds with MyAdrian again. Then Alex goes into an Anna induced trance and starts spouting off Anna's resume. MyAdrian and Edmund are really confused and Alex is freaked out. Wouldn't you know it, Charlotte shows up just then. They introduce her to MyAdrian and then take her to Wildwind. Charlotte tells Alex they need some alone time without Edmund, which leads me to believe she wants to do some more brainwashing. Later when she walks into Edmund's den, she finds MyAdrian sweeping the place for bugs, but pretends to not know what he's doing. MyAdrian makes some lame excuse about static on Edmund's computer and leaves. Charlotte then calls someone to have MyAdrian investigated then tells the person on the phone that she needs to get Alex alone, which Alex hears her say.

Edmund goes to the mausoleum to talk to Dim's headstone and ask it for it's blessing. As he's talking, Dim comes into the mausoleum behind him and in this weeks SCENE OF THE WEEK reveals himself to a shocked Edmund. I cannot wait to see this reunion next week!

In a continuation of the MEANINGLESS DRIVEL OF THE WEEK - Leo goes to the Community Center to look for Becca and begs for her forgiveness, rather comically I might add. She immediately forgives him and takes him outside to help with the car wash. Scott is not pleased and Marian definitely notices that Becca is attracted to Leo. Marian agrees to help Scott get rid of Leo because she feels he's partly responsible for Stuart's death.

Arlene barks out some order to Winifred to get her breakfast and the new spunky Winnie gets in Arlene's face and tells her she does not have to take orders from her! Winifred gets this weeks PERFORMER OF THE WEEK award for showing some guts! Too bad it was all for nothing when she reveals to Winnie that she and Adam have gotten married and Adam comes into the room to confirm it. Winnie leaves in a huff to go get Arlene's breakfast. Arlene and Adam are talking and Arlene has all these grand plans to do with Adam's money, but he bursts her bubble by telling her that Liza is in charge of all the funds now and they have to watch their spending. He does tell her she can redecorate though, if she wants. I hope she does because I would love to see lava lamps and love beads in the Chandler parlor! Arlene starts to plot on how she can get Adam to take control over his company again. And over at the Valley Inn, Liza and Tad are having lunch and she tells him that she slept with Adam. Tad is pissed, but when Arlene saunters over and tells Liza that Adam wants his company back, she tells them that she's made Tad her partner and he can't have it back. Oh, Adam is not happy with that at all and the sparks are going to fly with this one!

This weeks AMC gets a C- for making us endure that wretched love scene with Hayley and Mateo. I suspect next week's shows will be graded much higher with Hayley and Mateo gone on their honeymoon (I hope!) and the Dimitri/Edmund reunion.