The Pine Valley Bulletin

Welcome to Pine Valley's only online newspaper!

Established 1998


June 19, 2000

Whew, it's been a long time since I did one of these, I hope I remember how! I want to thank everyone for your kind words and support. It means a lot to me. Things are getting better, slowly but surely ;)

My my my, where to begin?? How about the stupidity of having Hayley's bridal shower on her TV show, Wave. What a load of nonsense! And how could Liza go along with this? Does she really enjoy watching her ratings plummet? Maybe the viewers in their world would have cared about this if Hayley had a show for more than 10 minutes. As it is, she's barely been on more than a handful of times, had her name smeared all over the tabloids by Arlene, has some stupid contest to pick what dress she'll wear and now has her bridal shower on the air! You'd think she was Kathie Lee or something! Hmm bad example... I don't know many people who care about her either. But you know what I mean. Why would any viewers of her show care about any of this?? And for the record, no I didn't vote on her dress, mainly because they didn't have the dress I thought she should wear as one of the options. That being the dress Erica wore when she married Adam for the second time.

At the shower, St. Dixie couldn't pass up an opportunity to badger Liza about her sudden love and concern for Adam. Fine, I wonder about this myself. I don't understand why, because of Stuart's death, everything has changed. Adam is still the selfish unthinking bastard he's always been, and even more so now! He still impregnated Liza against her will. He still set up Marian. He still explains it all away as "doing it for love." So why does him grieving for his brother make him such a wonderful guy? But the big question is... why is this any of Dixie's concern? Why is it some big secret that she has to keep from Tad and then bitch and moan about how she's lying to her husband for Liza? Get a job already.

After the shower, Mateo and Hayley sit down for a little discussion with the Rev. He's a pretty good looking guy, that Eliot. Let's hope he's not too much of a whacko. (As a little aside, I went to Catholic school for all 12 years of schooling and we had a little name we used call good looking priests, Father What-A-Waste) There is obviously some kind of problem with the guy... and I suspect it's a legal problem. He freaked when he saw Derek and Jack seems to know him from somewhere. I know a lot of people are thinking he was the guy that killed Brooke's daughter Laura, but I really don't think that's it. Mainly because the the drunk driver was someone that Brooke knew (an off duty cop) and someone I'm sure she'll never forget. My hope is that Eliot is not a Reverend at all and it ends up that Mateo and Hayley aren't really married AGAIN! Oh would I laugh. But I digress... Eliot likes to get to know his victims, er, couples before he marries them. Mateo and Hayley tell him all about their history and all the evil rotten things that Mateo has done. Eliot is sufficiently horrified, but unfortunately doesn't refuse to marry them like I had hoped. Eliot even told Mateo to get over the angst thing he seems to be carrying in regards to Ryan, nice pick up Eliot.

In NYC, Adam and Arlene are treated to seeing Hayley's bridal shower on TV. It starts to get to Adam so Arlene does her best to seduce him, unfortunately Adam is too drunk to uh, perform. Arlene is all over him, and he's pretty much all over her too but then he rolls over, laughing hysterically. Seems Adam finds not being able to get it up quite funny. Arlene doesn't though... in fact I think she's feeling rather insulted. Arlene is quite the trampy ho and I'm sure she doesn't get turned down too often. You know, she's got a way about her that says "I'm boinkable and willing!" Anyway, she's not amused and tells Adam so. He replies with this weeks LINE OF THE WEEK, "Tell it to Mr. Winky." I swear, I never thought I'd hear Adam Chandler talk about his family jewels let alone refer to them as Mr. Winky! And for showing us yet another dimension to Adam, he gets this weeks PERFORMER OF THE WEEK award.

Once Adam passes out, leaving Arlene horny and frustrated, she calls room service. She's prowling for any guy who can do the mattress mambo with her. She starts telling the room service waiter (heretofore known as RSW) about how she has to eat alone in her room. She bats her eyelashes, gives him the up and down look and puts on that whispery voice that says, "take me big boy." But for some reason, when push comes to shove, Arlene backs down. I guess she doesn't want to ruin her potential coupling with Adam by servicing the service. RSW is visibly disappointed that she got him all worked up only to deflate him so soon.

The next day, Arlene has finally changed clothes and meets Adam at a restaurant where he is getting a head start on his daily drunken binge. Arlene is at the bar flirting with the bartender, who may or may not be RSW, and tells him how much she looks like Grace Kelly. Yeah Arlene, you're the spitting image of Grace Kelly if Grace Kelly were really a two-bit whore. Anyway, who should come into the restaurant but Hayley. Arlene spots her and thank goodness for the big hat or she may have been found out. But she stays at the bar and watches as Hayley goes over to see Adam. Adam had tried, unsuccessfully, to have a waiter toss Hayley out of the restaurant before she saw him. Instead Hayley pleads with him to come to her wedding, which is the next day. She wants to help him. She even starts to get to Adam. He's starting to cry and they hug and dance. Hayley has broken through the guilt. But wait, Arlene isn't going to sit back and watch Hayley ruin her chances at a lifelong meal ticket. Arlene conveniently finds an actor sitting in the bar (he's got a bunch of head shots sitting in front of him) and works her charms on him. She hires him to go over to Adam, call him Stuart and talk about what an inspiration he was to him and his artwork. That Arlene, she's nothing if not thorough. This guy really worked a number on Adam, and it accomplished exactly what Arlene wanted it to... Adam fell right back into his mean depression. For that mean little stunt Arlene gets this weeks I NEED TO BE SLAPPED award. Geez I love that woman! Anyway, Adam tells the guy he isn't Stuart and that Stuart is dead. Then he told Hayley to leave him alone. Dejected, Hayley leaves. Arlene comes back and tells Adam that she is all he needs. A light bulb goes off over Adam's head and he comes up with an idea to alienate all his family and friends, with Arlene's help. I won't give it away, but if you don't know already scroll up to the spoilers to see what Adam's plan is.

Newly reunited Ryan and Gillian have found their own little love nest at Wildwind, the turret. They are both blissfully happy, which means something terrible will have to happen soon. They have decided to keep their bliss a secret from everyone accept Eugenia. Gilly tells her all about their romance and their secret hideaway. Eugenia is cautiously happy for her. She's worried about others finding out before they are ready and before Gillian can tell Jake and ask for a divorce. She's worried about how hurt Jake and the Martins will be. You know, who cares about Jake? He didn't seem too concerned about hurting her by leaving town without telling her. Why should she sit around and wait for him to come back to her when he doesn't even have the courtesy to contact her!? I think Jake is being awfully presumptuous, especially for someone who all along suspected she still had feelings for Ryan.

Ryan is pretty peeved with Tramplee for all the trouble she's caused in keeping him and Gillian apart. He wants to get even with her, but Gilly urges him to leave it alone or she may get suspicious. Ryan agrees, but he's having trouble not acting like he hates her. Tramplee is very confused by Ryan's new harsh behavior and races over to Erica's to get some help from Leo. Oh in case you don't know, Leo is bunking at Erica's after he decided he wants nothing more to do with Nessie. Tramplee walks in on an argument between Leo and David. Let's go backwards to that for a minute shall we? David arrives at Erica's only to find Leo hanging out in those damn leather pants again, making himself very much at home. David tells him he's acting like a brat and that he should stop wallowing in self pity and do something meaningful with his life. Leo replies with a potential line of the week when he says, "Like what? Follow in your footsteps and be a complete ass?" Enter Tramplee who chastises them both for acting like children. David doesn't have to take this crap from Greenlee Greenlee so he leaves. Tramplee then launches into her latest plot to snag Ryan and Leo is just not in the mood. He rips her down to size and tells her to get a life already. Ouch.

Over in the turret, Ryan removes Gilly's wedding ring and replaces it with another ring... an amethyst maybe? They talk about how they have to be careful and no one can find out about their reunion before Gilly has a chance to tell Jake herself and how any contact is risky. Ryan then gets the brilliant idea that they can communicate by email and gives Gilly his laptop. Ryan shows Gilly how to use it and tells her to use his private email address so only he can access it and they decide she should have a code name. She chooses Rapunzel, but why doesn't Ryan get a code name too? Then he warns her that if she sends him a message to then any number of people will be able to access the message. I'm wondering how long it will take her to screw that up, and little did I know it would take her about 30 seconds.

Having sent a love email to Ryan at, Tramplee downloads it and is laughing at the ridiculous name, Rapunzel, but doesn't read the message. It's sitting there in plain view for any and all to see. In the meantime, Gilly realizes what she did when she shows Euggie how she and Ryan communicate. She tries to call Ryan on his cell phone, but it rings in the same room she's in. Oops, he forgot it there. That's really being careful now isn't it? She doesn't want to cause further suspicion so she has Euggie call Ryan at the loft. Unfortunately he's not there so Euggie hangs up without leaving a message.

Gilly races over to the Valley Inn to try and find Ryan and warn him about the message, where she meets up with Dixie and David. Seems Dixie was having a nice meal with Tad and Joe, discussing how Tad wants to take a year off to find himself, again. Dixie was being somewhat supportive and said she'd go back to work. They all thought it was a great idea for Tad to reassess his priorities. After Joe leaves, David comes by to say hi and butt into Dixie and Tad's conversation. Tad wants to leave so Dixie tells him to go on, she's going to stay and flirt with David for awhile. They talk and Dixie plays David's confidante for a little while. Then David decides to ask Dixie if she wants a job with the Andrassy Foundation. First she tries to say that she'd like to talk to Tad about it, then decides that's a meaningless technicality and accepts. I'm asked a lot if I think Dixie and David will have an affair and honestly I don't know but I hope not for numerous reasons. First and foremost, she couldn't stop talking about loyalty and family when Tad had his affair with Liza, so for her to have an affair now would be totally hypocritical. Second, I like men and women friendships and I would like to see one exist without sexual tension for once. It is possible. And third, getting back at Tad for his affair is just plain childish and not how a marriage should work. I'm not saying Tad's affair was right, but if she did it back what would that prove?

Anywho, while Gilly is talking to them, Dixie gets called away by a phone call and oh that David, he can read Gilly's guilt like it's a neon sign around her neck. Here comes Dixie to save the day after her phone call. Seems Jake has been trying to reach Gilly and couldn't so he called Ruth to say he was coming home. Dixie shares the news with Gilly, which is overheard by Tramplee, of course, and she immediately tells Ryan. Oops, back up a minute... although Tramplee didn't see the email, MyAdrian did. He decides to confront Ryan about it and tells him about a message that was received at by Rapunzel. At first Ryan plays dumb, but MyAdrian tells him he knows it's Gillian and wonders if Mateo had him pegged all along. Oh my, MyAdrian is really teetering on his pedestal at that comment. I realize that Jake is like family to him and he's not thrilled about the prospect of Jake getting hurt, but hello!??? Can no one see how much Jake hurt Gillian?? Where the heck does MyAdrian get off judging Ryan and not listening to anything he has to say!? Who is he to make demands and ultimatums in regards to Jake's knowledge of Ryan and Gillian? No, I did not like this scene at all. MyAdrian needs to mind his own business.

MEANINGLESS DRIVELS OF THE WEEK - While I'm talking about MyAdrian... Tina told him she turned down the job offer from BBMak weeks ago and will be staying in Pine Valley. I give that a big who cares. And having been given a dose of the guilts by the Rev., Mateo decides to ask Ryan to come to his wedding and his bachelor party. Wow, don't go straining yourself there Assholeo.

Alex decides to look up Anna Devane on that very popular and easily accessible website, (shouldn't that have been a .gov anyway?). She looks up Anna Devane and her own picture comes up with the name Anna Devane Scorpio Lavery Scorpio or whatever. She freaks and grabs her face! She can't believe she looks just like Anna. What I'm wondering is if there will be a Lavery connection with Ryan and Braden, to whoever the Lavery she married was. But if you feel the need to write and fill me in on this guy, can I ask you a favor? Please don't... the history of Anna Devane doesn't interest me. Anyway... Edmund fills MyAdrian in on the latest development so MyAdrian wants to compare Alex's fingerprints with Anna's. He finds out that they are an exact match, which causes Alex to grab her face again.

It turns out that Dimitri didn't know that Alex was really Anna, like Charlotte thought. So his usefulness has just ended. What one has to do with the other, I have no idea. But Charlotte orders Dimitri's death and has her henchmen haul him away. After a frantic call from Alex, inquiring about Anna Devane, Charlotte decides to go to Pine Valley. Charlotte's plan is to have Dimitri tossed out of the plane in mid-air where he will free fall to his death in the Pine Valley ocean, which is where everyone thinks he died anyway. Dim doesn't like this idea much so he starts plotting his escape. After Charlotte gives the pilot his instructions, she retires to her own quarters in the plane, or did she actually leave the plane? Dim gets loose and creates a diversion for the pilot, who evidently doesn't put the plane on auto-pilot before seeing what the ruckus was about. The plane goes into a forward dive while Dim and the pilot struggle. I guess the plane crashes because the next thing we see is Dimitri washed up on the beach in Pine Valley. Is Charlotte there? Is she dead? Nope, she's not. The only one to die in the crash was probably the insignificant pilot.

Still tormenting his wife, PC has Nessie donate some of her expensive clothing and furs to the community center. Opal watches as PC is forcing Nessie to do this and really wants to know what Nessie has done to earn such treatment from PC. PC isn't about to tell Opal, but he does give her one of Nessie's designer originals, much to Nessie's dismay. Leo, who has come to the center to see Becca and apologize for telling her off at the Boathouse, spots Nessie instead. He watches as Becca chastises Nessie for hurting Leo the way she did. Nessie replies with another potential line of the week when she said, "How dare you judge me you frigid little virgin!" Oh that Nessie, she doesn't beat around the bush does she?! Becca pouts her way out the door, and Leo goes after Nessie. He rips into her and tells her that he never wants to see her again then rushes after Becca.

Becca arrives home and into her bedroom, throwing pillows and yelling "how dare she!" to no one in particular. Leo climbs up the house to Becca's bedroom window and she won't let him in, in fact she pushes him off the ledge. Then like the little halo wearing angel she is, she goes out and sees if he's ok and then brings him into her room. He apologizes for what Nessie said to her, but Becca doesn't believe he's sincere. He's said pretty much the same things to her himself. She tells him he doesn't know her at all and just thinks he does, but even she has a dark side. She goes on to tell him how when her brother died, she hated God. Wow Becca, that is some dark side all right. Maybe if other than reacting to that by moping around her house she had set fire to a bunch of churches, she can call it a dark side. Leo is shocked by this admission and the two make up. Whatever.

Let's stop here for minute and discuss Leo's father, again. With Nessie's admission that his father is a "titled nobleman" that pretty much rules out the Eric Kane connection. So who could it be? My guess is that it's NOT Dimitri, but more likely, if it has to be someone connected to someone in Pine Valley, it would be Gillian's father. She's a Princess so that makes him something yes? Like a King? Who knows how all that works, but Nessie did say he was a tyrant and wanted her to get an abortion. We know that Gillian's father is not a kind and loving man. So it seems to me like this is a very strong possibility.

It's getting close to that time... a part that I would rather skip, but what fun would that be!? First, it's the bachelor party. All the guys are there... Ryan, MyAdrian, Eliot, Jack, Edmund, even Junior. (As a little aside, Jack thinks Eliot looks familiar and asks if they had met before. Eliot fluffs it off and tells Jack he gets that all the time and must just have "one of those faces." What kind of face is that?) In true Pine Valley tradition, the women decide to crash the bachelor party. So Greenlee, Gillian, Tina (who was already there anyway), Liza and Brooke show up at SOS. Shockingly, Mateo notices that Hayley's not with them and asks where she is. Hayley was planning a big surprise for Mateo, and had Rosa fly to Texas to pick up Max. Mateo is thrilled and they start the show. Junior MC's the big fashion show extravaganza with the men modeling very bizarre wedding gowns. It was cute, but Tad really should have been there. He's so much fun in those kinds of scenes.

After the excitement wears off, something totally unexpected happens. Jack gives Mateo and Hayley a letter from Noah and Julia. Oh do I love any reference at all to my favorite all time couple. What a nice touch. Then Ryan and Gillian steal a moment in the store the room and Gillian is concerned that Tramplee might be getting suspicious. Ryan tells her that he'll take care of Tramplee. To throw her off the trail, he decides to ask Tramplee to be his date for the wedding. Tramplee is thrilled beyond belief, but Gillian sure isn't!

**Warning*** If you love Mateo and Hayley and are going to be pissed off by my distaste for them and their wedding, stop reading now.

OK... it's the morning of the wedding now and Tina is helping Hayley get ready at the Valley Inn. Marian goes to see her to bring her the gift that Stuart was working on for her. This was such a sweet and moving scene between these two women who loved Stuart so much. This is my SCENE OF THE WEEK. How incredibly sweet of Marian to make a special trip to give Hayley such a special gift on her wedding day. This scene was followed closely by the VOMIT INDUCING SCENE OF THE WEEK, when Mateo tried to get into Hayley's room to talk to her before the wedding. Everyone knows that seeing the bride before the wedding is bad luck, and given their track record, he should have been miles away from her before the wedding. Not Assholeo though. So we had to be uh, treated, to a scene of them both gushing over each other between a closed door. Blech!

Gillian and Scott are making the final preparations for the reception at the Valley Inn before the wedding at Wildwind Chapel. Greenlee flaunts her date with Ryan in front of Gillian, which does not sit too well with her. Marian comes by to see Scott and tells him about Frederick the psychic. Interesting thing, Scott even refers to him as Frederick that Maria and Edmund have gone to. This was NOT the same Frederick. The one who spoke to Marian was at least 10 years younger and more of a beatnik groovy kind of guy. The Frederick who helped Maria find out about Maddie was more of Mr. Rogers type who happen to be a psychic too. Anyway, Marian tells Scott that they reached his mother, not Stuart and that the room smelled of gardenias. As Scott tells Marian that gardenias are his mother's favorite flower, we see Stuart at the cafe drawing a gardenia.

The wedding is starting to get underway with the guests arriving at the completely redesigned and unrecognizable Wildwind Chapel. The pews are arranged differently now, in a circle instead of in rows [ed. note 6/20 - I realized after hearing Dim read the invitation on Alex's desk that they only said the wedding was at Wildwind Chapel to throw Arlene off. The wedding took place at the Church of the Good Shepherd.]. So when the wedding begins, everyone moves into the center, in the circle. The bridesmaids dresses were very pretty, although the drape that started at the center of the butt was a bit peculiar. Mr. Diva even mentioned how he could see panty lines, but I told him that there aren't any, it's just the odd position of the butt crack drape. How nice that Mateo made Hayley's brother Junior a groomsman, but how odd that she chose Tina or Gillian over Mateo's sister Rosa for a bridesmaid. Hayley is wearing the strapless wedding gown that Tramplee wore in the "Choose my dress" fashion show.

It was your typical soap wedding, beautiful and all that... considering who the bride and groom are. There were a couple times when I found myself answering the television, like I do so often. Like when Eliot asked if anyone had just cause why these two should not be wed. This is where I interject with... "you want a list?" And I practically snorted my iced tea out my nose when Mateo agreed to honor Hayley. Like he ever has before, unless you count being a controlling jerk as honoring her.

One last thing... what the hell was with Dixie's 1970's Charlie's Angels Farrah 'do at the wedding!? Yikes!

This weeks AMC gets a C+ mainly because I could have done without a week long wedding celebration for Hayley and Mateo and it's not even over yet. Give me strength!