The Pine Valley Bulletin

Welcome to Pine Valley's only online newspaper!

Established 1998


July 30, 2000

Well, this week was way more interesting than last week. I'll jump right in with this week's SCENE OF THE WEEK which is Tramplee and Leo stranded on Pine Valley's deserted island. We all know why Tramplee is there, she's trying to be Brooke Shields to Ryan's Christopher Atkins. But it doesn't quite work out the way she planned and when Leo goes to rescue her, well... we now see how useless boarding school was for him. Leo forgot to tie up the boat he took to get to the island and it floated off into the Pine Valley ocean, stranding him and Tramplee. Never fear, Leo has come prepared with this cell phone, but alas, he is out of range and it's useless. On to Plan B, wait for the boat rental company to come looking for them. Yeah that's what the castaways on Gilligan's Island thought too and you see how well it worked out for them. We are then treated to some of the best lines AMC has had lately as Leo gets more and more frustrated with Tramplee's whining. It's going to be too hard to pick just one, so I'm making them all this weeks LINES OF THE WEEK. Quickly sick of hearing Tramplee's complaints and panic, Leo says to her, "Quick! Snap your fingers and turn into something with a brain." Later when he realizes that Tramplee is getting cold, since she's only wearing a bikini and a skimpy cover-up, Leo decides to make a fire. When she asks him why, Leo replies, "It's my job as elder on this island. You get naked and do the dance of fertility." And when Tramplee asks him how he's going to make a fire with no matches Leo replies, "I'm going to pick you up and scrape your head against a rock and see if I could get a spark."

Later, Leo goes looking for food. Again we are suddenly painfully aware of Leo's lack of education as he gives Tramplee a dead fish to gut and cook up. Luckily Tramplee realizes this is not a good idea and tosses the thing back into the PV ocean. Leo then goes in search of something else to eat, and comes up with the idea to eat some berries. This time Tramplee goes along with it but she's not scarfing them down nearly as much as Leo is. When Leo starts to choke, Tramplee panics because she's never read the bathroom wall at any of the restaurants she's been in and doesn't know how to do the Heimlich maneuver. My favorite part of this was that, while he's still choking, Leo shows Tramplee how to do it and she saves his life! But soon they are in the midst of another trauma as Leo isn't feeling too well. Seems those berries aren't exactly the fruit of life and Leo starts to feel very very ill. Tramplee on the other hand, isn't effected by them at all. Honestly I didn't find this all that strange considering how Leo was scarfing them down and was daintily eating only a couple of them. And besides that, she did say she has a stomach of steel and never gets sick from food. But things start to get a little strange (a little?) when Leo starts to hallucinate and tells Tramplee that he loves her. Tramplee corrects him and tells him he means Becca, but Leo insists that it's her he loves, not Becca. What's a Tramplee to do? Those are the words she's longed to hear all her life. But she knows that Leo isn't exactly of sound mind.

The next morning, Tramplee asks Leo if he remembers last night. After thinking about it, he tells her he does remember that she saved his life, but that's all he remembers. Before you know it, Tramplee and Leo are trapped by a big net that fell on top of them. It seems as though the deserted island isn't deserted after all but is a campgrounds for PV's answer to the Girl Scouts, the Girl Guides. One of the girls has a more powerful phone than Leo's so Leo goes off to retrieve his messages while the other girl talks to Tramplee about being in love. Tramplee denies that she and Leo are in love, but this Junior Miss Goddess of Love doesn't buy it and you know what? I don't either. Just then Leo comes back and tells Tramplee he's got a message from Becca and she wants to see him so they have to go right away.

Back up to Becca over at Ryan's. She's just found the website and is losing it. Lucky for her Scott shows up because Ryan has to rush out to a meeting. Becca is really upset and immediately thinks that Leo is behind the website, which is exactly what Scott was hoping would happen. But suddenly, now that it's happening just how he wanted it to, Scott isn't at all happy. In fact, he's really feeling guilty for putting Becca through all this and he tries to tell her the truth. But Becca is not letting him speak and he never gets it out. Becca tells him that she's so embarrassed by all this that she's going to leave Pine Valley and go back home to Pigeon Hollow where no one knows about the website. Evidently the 'Holler doesn't have internet access. Scott comforts Becca and convinces her to stay. Later, he brings her flowers and asks her to go to the Sleepy Hollow Inn with him, separate rooms of course, to get her mind off of Leo. Scott, Scott, Scott, when are you going to get it... she's got the major hots for Leo even though she thinks he created the website. Time to hang it up, cut your losses and move on, preferably out of Pine Valley.

Answering Becca's urgent call, Leo heads over to her house, er, Tad and Dixie's house, and knocks on her bedroom door. When Becca lets him in, Leo is in for a shock. Becca is all decked out in some black lingerie and turns on the seduction. Leo is all for it and moves in for the attack. Becca just can't seem to shut up though, and is talking through all of Leo's kisses. It's when she calls him Victor that he actually backs up and asks her what's going on. But Becca just tells him that she wants to call him that so he tries to think of another name for her. She suggests Virgin and now Leo is really confused, yet still horny so he goes along with whatever she wants. And what she wants him to do is close his eyes and count to five. When he opens his eyes, Becca is standing in front of him with a rather large computer printout of her picture with the target on it. Leo is so confused and asks her what is going on. When she tells him she knows about the website and that he did it, he profusely denies it. Becca isn't buying it though. She does agree to show him the actual website though. Leo tells her that he can see why she would believe it was him, but promises her that he didn't do it. Becca's response is not one, but two slaps across the face. Leo tries to reason with Becca, but she just won't hear it. Honestly I don't blame her, what else is she to think when it has details of everything that has happened when they were together? But Leo suddenly gets an idea of who it might be and rushes out.

Suddenly Barry Shire is no longer Barry Shire, but more like Jerry Lewis. He's bumbling and falling all over the place in an attempt to find out Tad and Liza's secrets for Adam. And not only is he always tripping and falling now, but he's also the absolute worst at covering up. How Tad and Liza doesn't realize what he's up to is beyond me. Then again, they are pretty wrapped up in themselves so why would they notice anyone else. Liza makes sure Barry Lewis leaves before Ryan shows up for the meeting she and Tad are having with Ryan. Hmm, maybe they do realize what he's up to. Most likely they just merely don't trust him, and don't know yet that he and Adam have joined forces again. At any rate, he rushes off to Adam with some very vague information about Tad and Liza's interest in some internet company with someone named Ryan. Adam being Adam, figured out exactly what they are doing. And when Liza and Tad meet with Ryan and hear his pitch, they accept his proposal. And honestly, I have no idea what any of this is about. But Adam is now at the Valley Inn and Liza sees him so she gives Tad's knee a pat for his benefit and he leaves in a huff. Now Liza's got a plan.

After the meeting, Ryan spots Gillian and Eugenia at the Valley Inn and slyly summons Euggie over to him to ask a favor. He wants Gilly to meet him in the wine cellar. Eugenia asks Gilly to go to the wine cellar to make sure that they get her wine order correct. Once down there, she and Ryan speak briefly and Ryan shows his support and understanding during this time while Jake is missing.

Stuart tells Marilyn that whenever he heard Arlene Oakley's voice, he had a very strange flashback. He tells her that he would flash to being hit by a car. Marilyn is so excited and thinks that Stuart is having a breakthrough and remembering how he got hurt. But Stuart tells Marilyn that Esther said he got hurt when he fell off the roof of the trailer and he doesn't think she would lie to him. Marilyn isn't so sure about that and when he asks her for that Adam person's number so he could call him himself, Marilyn lies and says she doesn't have it anymore. But she does call Arlene at the bar (after being given that number by someone at the house) to tell her that Stuart is starting to remember. Funny how she suddenly can make a call without being interrupted by Esther every minute. Arlene gets a bit panicky and tells Marilyn that Stuart was not hit by car and to not call her again. Reverend I've Got a Secret overhears Arlene on the phone and asks her about it. She tells him to mind his own dang business.

And speaking of the Rev. and his secret, that gets a little bit of this weeks MEANINGLESS DRIVEL OF THE WEEK. We get little clues and little hints and all I can say is, I just don't care.

And speaking of MEANINGLESS DRIVEL OF THE WEEK, here's some more. Assholeo is suddenly Mr. Romance and gives Waifley 39 roses, one for each day they have been married. Oh, pass me the barf bag! Not long ago he was not giving her roses, but giving her a glass of vodka. And you know, now that I mention that, how come Waifley can forgive all those horrid things that Assholeo did to her, but she can't forgive Arlene? Riddle me that one Batman.

The next day, feeling a little nervous that the Rev. heard her on the phone, Arlene calls him over to the bar to try and cover her tracks. As an aside, Arlene is, for once, not wearing something skin tight but is wearing some left over Hammer pants from the early 90's. She's dangerously close to getting that coveted FASHION DISASTER award again, I guess because Opal hasn't been on much lately. Anyway, the Rev. isn't buying Arlene's crap and knows there is something up with her. Hey Rev. mind you're own dang business.

Hayley and Mateo show up at the bar to do inventory for Adam, but he's not interested and tells them to take a hike. They don't, and continue this cruel game of pretending to have forgiven Arlene. When Adam hears Arlene tell them that the bar is just a part of Adam's plan to get back on top, Adam is furious. Arlene tries to cover this blunder up with Hayley and Mateo but they only pretend to buy it. Arlene is about as good as covering up her mistakes as Barry Lewis. And speaking of Barry, things go from bad to worse for Adam when Barry shows up at the bar while Hayley is still there. Before Hayley can see him, he gives Adam the lowdown on Tad and Liza's plan to move Chandler Enterprises to a new building and rename the company ColMar (that's for Colby and Martin in case you didn't catch that one). Adam tells Barry to get all the dirt then tells him he's going to leave town for a little while and plot.

Once Barry leaves Hayley asks Adam what he wanted. Adam covers by saying Barry is starting a new business and wanted Adam to join him. Then he tells Hayley that he is going to go away for a few days, alone. That is until Arlene saunters over and decides she's going too. Adam takes Arlene aside and tells her she has to stay and take care of the bar and keep everyone off his trail. She's not at all thrilled about this,but Adam bribes her with a shopping trip so she decides to stay in town.

Back at the office, Tad's office, Liza's office... how knows. It's the same office and basically it's really Adam's office. Anyway, Tad and Liza are talking about Jake's disappearance when Liza asks him how Gillian's taking it. Tad has the damn nerve to say she's taking it very well. EXCUSE ME??? This poor girl is always sick with worry, upset, and keeping the Jake vigil with his stupid ass family! Where the hell does he get off saying she's taking it well? And let me back up, when he saw Gillian at the Valley Inn he had the damn nerve to ask her if she's seen Ryan and he could have sworn he saw her talking to him. Since when are you the affair police Tad!?? And who the hell is Tad to judge anyone? He's made plenty of mistakes in his lifetime and he's making more and more everyday. Oh man, those Martin's really steam my ass lately. So here's one for Tad... he gets this weeks DIXIE COONEY MARTIN COMMEMORATIVE SLAP award for showing symptoms of Self-Righteous Martinitis. Incidentally, I call the slap this because lately Dixie deserves it every week, this one being no exception, and it saves me the trouble of giving it to her every week and someone else can get it to. So, whenever it's called that, it's understood that Dixie deserves a slap.

As Tad and Liza finish up their talk, Liza gets a call from security that Adam is on his way up. Liza immediately pulls Tad into an embrace, for Adam's benefit of course, but uses Jake being missing as her reasoning. You know, Liza is dangerously close to getting a SLAP too. She's totally using Tad to make Adam jealous and Tad is so wrapped up that he doesn't even notice. And just why on earth does Liza want to make Adam jealous anyway? How could she, after all that has happened, actually still want him back!? I just don't get it. Anyway, Dixie soon shows up and she and Tad leave. Liza fills Adam in on Jake's disappearance and Adam is actually somewhat concerned, or at least sympathetic, which is kind of nice considering how much he hates Tad and Jake. Adam tells Liza that he came to her for some money to fix up the bar and whatnot. Liza isn't very interested in giving him any cash, but then gives in and hands him a check. Then they go into a the Adam Chandler Mating Dance as Adam urges Liza to get rid of Tad and how she doesn't need him to help her run the company, while Liza says the same things back at Adam in regards to Arlene. *yawn*

Later, Adam wants Barry to help him get the plans for the ColMar Tower so he pushes Barry, doing his very best Jerry Lewis impersonation again, into the Tad/Liza office. Barry makes up something about needing their signatures on some papers in his office to get them out so Adam can look around. Reluctantly they go and Adam goes into the office with his little spy camera and takes pictures of the plans. He hides on the ledge or something, when Tad and Liza come back and he listens to them talk. Liza tells Tad that it's the Adam/Stuart annual fishing trip weekend. Adam gets nostalgic and has a Stuart vision. At the same time, Stuart is thinking about fishing and how he was supposed to be somewhere on July 29. Stuart leaves a note for Esther saying he's gone away for a few days, and Adam decides he's going to go fishing. Will they see each other? Doubtful.

Well, MyAdrian is back from Chechnya and instead of going to see Joe or Tad or even Gillian with the news they have all been waiting for, he goes to see WhinySpice. MyAdrian goes into Whiny's suddenly neat and clean condo and wakes her up. She's just beside herself that he's come to see her before telling the family the news THEY ARE WAITING FOR. He tells her instead, that he didn't find Jake but he did find the downed helicopter. There were no bodies around though so that could mean that Jake is alive but captured or it could mean that he got rescued by someone. But I'm getting sicker and sicker by the minute as MyAdrian tells WhinySpice that he couldn't stop thinking about her while he was away, but he still may go back to try again. MyAdrian decides he should go see the Martin's and tell them what he found out, but WhinySpice stops him and makes him rest first. How considerate. So MyAdrian takes a little nap while the Martin's are going out of their mind wondering if MyAdrian has found anything out and if he's OK. Wait a minute, I'm being a little presumptuous there. I don't think any of the Martin's ever voiced any concern for MyAdrian's well being when he went into the war zone for them. Later, he finally does call and fill Tad in on what he found out.

Alex is confused. Edmund doesn't seem interested in boinking her anymore so she goes to see Brooke and ask her where Edmund has disappeared to. Brooke, who is totally not in on Edmund's alibi - which is a Tempo emergency, tries to cover. Lucky for her, Ed shows up at the Valley Inn. Alex asks Ed what his problem is and why he won't put out anymore. Ed decides he needs to tell Alex the truth and goes to David's office and demands to know where Dim is. In the meantime, Alex is at the Hunting Lodge packing up all her shawls. She's decided to leave and go back to England. Oh if only it were true. But anyway, she confides in Gillian and blames herself for Edmund's sudden distance. She realizes that Ed is having a hard time and thinks he's betraying Dimitri. Gilly tells her that Dimitri would approve, but Alex doesn't think so. Gillian is very upset that Alex is leaving. And back at David's office, Dixie tells David that he should tell Edmund the truth. Put on the spot, David tells Edmund that Dimitri has died, again. And as David spins a tale of Dimitri dying, being cremated and his ashes scattered somewhere, Dixie tries to deny that is what happened, but David covers. Edmund leaves, distraught. Dixie is way pissed, and again I have to wonder what the hell business it is of hers anyway. Yes, it was pretty cruel of David to tell Edmund that Dim was dead, but Dim did go off to die alone and asked Edmund not to find him. Edmund can't seem to respect those wishes so David did what he thought was best to protect his patient. I'm not saying it was right, I'm saying I understand his reasoning.

Having been told that Alex was at the airport and about to leave Pine Valley for good, Edmund rushes to the airport to stop her. As they talk about Edmund's very obvious reluctance to boink Alex, I'm struck by the fact that Alex must be one major horndog. That's all she seems to be worried about. She can't stay with a man who won't love her. She didn't say a man who doesn't love her, she said a man who won't love her... meaning boink! Geez Alex, isn't there more to a relationship? Can't you try and help him through his, uh little problem without hopping the first plane out of town? Maybe Ed just needs a little viagra. He's had a really long dry spell ya know. Edmund explains to Alex that he was having a difficult time because he didn't feel as though Dimitri was dead. But now he does and they can go back to boinking. Alex then decides to stay.

Backing up to earlier when Dixie goes to the mausoleum to see Dimitri. Instead she sees Edmund, who asks her what she's doing there. This is where ABC News broke in with the news about that very tragic plane crash of the Air France Concord. Yes, this is an acceptable interruption. Speaking of, I'm happy to say there were no weather interruptions this week. Miracles do happen! Anyway, because of the interruption I didn't get to see how Dixie explained to Edmund why she was at the mausoleum, but it must have worked because Edmund left and Dimitri came in. Dixie gives him his medication that David sent over and takes this opportunity to give him a lecture. First she tells him he shouldn't be staying in the cold mausoleum, and he tells her that he's staying in the turret. Good idea Dim, just watch out for that live sex show. I quickly go from simply being annoyed by Dixie to out and out hating her as she badgers him to tell his family that he is alive and to reach out to Alex. Dim yet again says no, he's not going to burden his family with his 5th or 6th death. I can't for the life of me understand how he doesn't just haul off and smack the daylights out of her. Again I have to ask St. Dixie what the hell business is it of hers! This is Dimitri's decision so shut the hell up already!

My Dixie hatred accelerates quickly when she goes back to the office and gives David another earful about how he should tell Edmund and Alex the truth. It's funny, she can hide illnesses from her family but no one else can. Ugh. Then, in a drastic subject change, David tells her that he's thinking of asking Erica to marry him. Stupidly, David asks her for her opinion and unfortunately we have to hear it. She tells David that she's not convinced that they should marry, that they don't have enough trust. David accuses her of not liking Erica and Dixie denies it. Funny thing though, she says she has nothing against Erica, but then goes off on her personality and how she can do anything she wants and the public just eats it up. Sounds like the green-eyed monster paid a little visit to St. Dixie. David tells Dixie he doesn't need her permission to get married nor does he have to justify any of his actions to her. He then tells her he asked for her opinion because she's his friend. Dixie gets all irate and tells him that he is treating her like an employee. Here's a little newsflash for you Dix, YOU ARE HIS EMPLOYEE! Dixie can't stop there, she has to get in the last word and asks him how Erica is going to feel when she finds out that he knew Dimitri was alive and never told her. David tells her that Erica has no reason to ever find that out. She gets all self-righteous and tells him to have a great marriage. Can someone please kill her for me? She who has had affairs, kept secrets and a bazillion other things that everyone has done and was OK for her to do it, and she has the damn nerve to tell David anything? Get off your high horse St. Dixie, you are far from perfect.

In yet another display of Erica acting like a teenager, she repeats the conversation she heard David having with Dimitri, only she thought he was talking to Alex. David is shocked and tells Erica that he is not having an affair with Alex and in fact he can barely stand her at all. But he stops short of explaining the phone call. Erica gets really mad that he has the willpower to keep a secret from her and spouts off a pretty good line, "I bet Dixie knows. Dixie's been guarding you and your office like a poodle on steroids!"

So in an effort to prove his love for her, David buys Erica an engagement ring and asks her to meet him at the Valley Inn. They start to argue again, but David whips out this obscenely large rock and that shuts Erica up for a few minutes. After she apologizes, David gives this incredibly heartfelt profession of love and (at Erica's urging) gets down on one knee to propose. A very giddy Erica says yes, but then spots Dixie walk in and tells David there is one condition. She wants to know what he is hiding. David again tells her that he cannot tell her because of doctor/patient confidentiality and Erica storms out.

David follows her back home and the two argue extremely loudly. David gets points and this weeks PERFORMER OF THE WEEK award for 1) using my line ("Oh I keep forgetting, it's Erica's world and the rest of us poor slobs just live here") and b) for putting up with this totally bratty Erica and dealing with St. Dixie. And as they scream at each other, a very meek Bianca comes out of the woodwork, having aged about four years.

Erica's whole attitude changes as she immediately dotes on Bianca. David realizes they need some time alone but instead of leaving, he goes to the kitchen to fix Bianca something to eat. Erica then jumps right into criticism mode (which is a brilliant thing to do with someone who is recovering from anorexia) and tells her that Barbara must have picked out her clothes. And in the next breath she tells Bianca that she had her come home to get away from Barbara's constant criticism! Bianca is pretty wise to how Erica is and seems a bit disgusted that she's still acting like a child. Hmmm it seems that Erica's 16 year old daughter might be more mature than Erica herself.

This week's AMC gets a C+ way way better than last week, but let's not get crazy about it!