The Pine Valley Bulletin
Welcome to Pine Valley's only online newspaper!
Established 1998
July 26, 2005
Ahh,
today to commemorate the souvenir I bought myself while I was in Florida earlier
this month. I'm listening to 4 cd's today (I know I usually do 5, but these
are all pretty long, I think I'll finish in 4). Starting off with Bauhaus 1979
- 1983 Volume One, followed by David Bowie The Rise and Fall of Ziggy
Stardust and the Spiders from Mars, then back to Bauhaus with 1979
- 1983 Volume Two, and ending with David Bowie Changesbowie. Why
do these things commemorate my souvenir from FL? Because I got a combination
of the two as a tattoo on the underside of my left forearm. Yes that's my arm,
and yes it's real! LOL
So, moving on from the freak show on my arm to the freak show on our
TV screens, this Editorial reflects the shows from July 18 thru July 22. The
characters I know and love in Pine Valley have all been replaced with pods.
Who are these people? Why are they so dumb? Has David drugged the water supply
with some new stupid pill? Normally somewhat smart people have come up with
the dumbest ideas I've ever heard. In fact, there are so many stupid ideas and
plans going on right now I think we should count them down. At the end, I'll
give you a link to vote for the stupidest idea of the week and will post the
results in a week or so. So let's get started!! DUMB IDEA
#1- Greenlee decides that in order to save Ryan, she needs to get pregnant with
a baby he vehemently does not want. Greenlee, OMG... who
took your brain?? You need yours now especially since Ryan has lost his completely.
Ryan has decided that he is destined to be a Patrick, a Braden
or a Jonathan. The dude is not thinking with a clear head. But instead of trying
to help her husband in the most sane way available (um, can you say therapy),
Greenlee instead decides that a baby that Ryan made clear he does not ever 
want,
is the way to save her man. OK, so the minute, no the second that Ryan thinks
he may have turned the anger corner, Greenlee springs her big news on him, she
is pregnant. Ryan wigs completely out and destroys the hotel suite then actually
raises his fist to Greenlee like he's going to punch her right in the jaw, before
he takes off. Which brings us to DUMB IDEA #2 - Ryan decides
to steal a motorcycle and then drive it over a cliff and then fake his own death.
Excuse me? He did what!? Oh yes he did. So we basically are picking up where
Ryan goes over the cliff with Greenlee, Zach and Kendall all watching. Zach
tries to calm Greenlee down and jumps into the ocean... yeah this time it's
not a stretch, they were in Atlantic City after all, where the casino is. While
he's splashing about, Kendall tries to keep Greenlee calm and calls Jack to
come and help, then calls 911.
Jack, who was busy ripping apart Simone for no apparent reason, races
to the scene with Ethan and Simone not far behind. And then the rescue teams
show up around the same time. They immediately find Zach and bring him back
up to the cliff, but there is no sign of Ryan. Kendall wants to take Greenlee
from the scene and back to the hotel so that the rescue team can do their job.
Once there, they wait for Zach to come back with news. The news isn't good when
he does return. Zach tells Greenlee that the search has changed from a rescue
to a recovery and tells her that they did find the bike and it was completely
destroyed. Greenlee thinks that she pushed Ryan to it with her brilliant idea
to impregnate herself with his swimmers with the Ronco Home Insemination Kit.
Gee Greenlee, ya think? You think you might have pushed him a little too hard
with that dumb idea of yours? It's kinda too late for that kind of talk isn't
it? But hey, Ryan's a grown man who countered Greenlee's dumb idea with one
of his own. Two dumbs don't make one smart, they just make two idiots.
Kendall tries to calm Greenlee and won't allow her to blame herself.
She tells Greenlee that the baby is a gift and a part of Ryan she will always
have and cherish (yikes, sounds like foreshadowing to me!). Kendall goes above
and beyond the call of duty for a friend. Which is funny because she's always
saying how she can't love, but you know what, Bianca was right... Kendall loves
big. She proves it again later when she tells Zach that even though Ryan was
a jerk sometimes, she never stopped loving him. We all knew that though right?
Kendall is this weeks PERFORMER OF THE WEEK when
she breaks down, heart broken once again... for the loss of Ryan, for the loss
of Ryan for Greenlee. Honorable mention goes to Simone who tried desperately
to tell Ethan and Kendall that love is always worth it no matter what. Such
the romantic.
Grief stricken Greenlee lashes out at Jack, telling him he got exactly
what he wanted. For his part, Jack does the right thing and just lets her say
what she wants to say. He knows she suffering the loss of her husband. But Erica
steps in and wants to speak to her privately. She tells Greenlee that Jack was
concerned about her and didn't want her to get hurt. She urges Greenlee to speak
to Jack and that they need to be there for one another now, so Greenlee agrees.
But once Jack comes back into the room, Greenlee lashes out at him all over
again telling him how he hated Ryan and will hate her baby too. Erica has had
enough and tells Greenlee to stop it right now. Jack finally breaks through
when he tells her how much he loves her, that it wasn't her fault and that he
is so sorry. He holds her as she finally does break down in her arms, the anger
defense shattered.
Back at the cliff, Ryan is hiding from the rescue crew but is soon
found by Zach. Zach is understandably confused when Ryan tells him he doesn't
want anyone to know he's alive and if Zach tells Greenlee, he will kill him.
Zach is kind of amused by the threat so when Ryan tells him to walk away and
act like he never saw him, Zach replies with, "Then what? Miss my chance
at playing hero? You know what this would do for my image, raising you from
the dead like that?" Zach tries to reason with Ryan, and you know what
I always say? Well maybe you don't, but I say you cannot reason with the unreasonable.
It's falling on deaf ears. Zach tells him that maybe Greenlee knows more than
they do and she can save him, and for that matter what about the baby? Ryan
gets this weeks I NEED TO BE SLAPPED AWARD when
his reply to that question is "I have no baby." Zach tells him no
matter how many times he tells himself that, it doesn't make it so, and he should
know! But it's when Ryan tries to explain how Greenlee is better
off without him, and Zach agrees with him that DUMB IDEA
#3 - Zach agrees to help Ryan remain dead and keep his being alive a secret
comes into play. Even though Zach tells Ryan that Greenlee doesn't deserve having
to mourn him, and even though he knows what it's like to have a father he doesn't
want to become, he decides to go ahead and keep the secret. Oh my, this is not
going to be good. Kendall is warming up to him and starting to trust him. You
can just toss that in the pooper now.
In order to be dead and stay dead, Zach locks
Ryan in the shed while he gets things ready to send him out of town. He tells
Ryan that if he's going to play dead then he has to stay dead. He can't spy
on Greenlee, he can't find out about her or the baby and he can never return
to Pine Valley. Ryan agrees. Zach returns to the hotel room and mulls telling
Greenlee the truth, but in the end he doesn't. All the while Ryan is not happy
about being locked up and tries to get out. He's making a lot of noise but when
he hears voices he stops and listens. It's Ethan and Simone who are talking
about Greenlee and how much pain she's in. Ryan hears Simone say that Ryan forgot
who he was. You know, I agree with that. Ryan was so traumatized by killing
Jonathan that he forgot he's a good guy and in control of his own life. He is
clearing suffering from PTSD (Post Traumatic Stress Disorder). In no way am
I saying that gives him a pass on all the selfish and destructive things he
has done, but it makes understanding him a little easier. At least it does for
me. I don't like what he's doing, in fact Ryan is really pissing me off. But
the trauma he has suffered isn't minor. It gives me a little bit of perspective
and hope that he can come through this and be back to the Ryan I love someday.
And it's not like he's not feeling guilty over what he is doing to Greenlee.
He's not doing it easily or happily. I think he's even somewhat comforted when
Simone says that the baby will save Greenlee from her grief because she will
still have a part of Ryan. Oops, he makes a noise that Simone and Ethan hear
and they get concerned that someone is inside so Ethan gets security to come
and open the door. Of course Zach arrives just in time to stop them from opening
the door and passes it off as a rat problem. I guess it's not a lie either.
Back in the hotel room, Simone tells Kendall
how bent Zach got about the shed. The wheels in Kendall's brain start to crank.
What is Zach hiding in the shed? She races down there to ask him that very question.
Unfortunately she's interrupted by hunky G-Man extraordinare, Aidan. He takes
the time to offer sympathy to Kendall and say how he needs to talk to Greenlee.
Kendall doesn't really want him to bother her, but Aidan insists that it's very
important and that he found Ryan's sister Erin, alive, in Canada. Ryan listens
in intently. That's the plan, Ryan is going to go to Canada and find his sister.
He listens further as Kendall and Aidan talk. Aidan lends his sexy shoulder
to Kendall as she tells him, with some disbelief that she can't believe Ryan
didn't come back. Then suddenly you see those wheels cranking again as she has
some flashbacks to things Ryan has said, such as "A baby would send me
straight over the edge. Suddenly, there's my dad in full rage, only it's not
my dad. It's me getting ready to slap my kid across the room, and he's begging
me to stop, saying, 'Please, Daddy, don't, I will be good, I'll be good. Please
stop.' My God, Kendall, if I get anywhere near that, I swear to you I will throw
myself off a cliff." Kendall suddenly realizes that Ryan may be alive and
hiding in the shed and she wants Aidan to help her break into it.
Simone has stayed in the hotel room with Greenlee
as she sleeps. Greenlee has a dream that Ryan has come back to the hotel room
and wakes her with a kiss. When she really wakes up, she calls out for Ryan.
Simone comes in to see if she's ok and Greenlee feels that incredible loss all
over again. Breaking down in tears, Simone goes to her friend and wraps her
arms around her, holding her through the grief. This my friends, is our SCENE
OF THE WEEK. Simone's friendship with Greenlee was not discarded for
once.
Random comments...
A nice touch in this storyline was having Erica
ask Jack if he called Mary and him saying she's in Europe. It explains her
absence during this time, but my question is, why not just have her on?
At her office, Erica breaks down in tears...
well, as best as Erica can cry anyway. For some reason, Greg Madden is there
and he offers his sympathy to Erica. He apologizes to her and assures her
he will not be pressing charges against Greenlee. When she shows her skepticism,
he tells her that he would like for them to have their own "new beginning."
What's up with Greg do you think? He's kind of creepy.
DUMB IDEA #4 Danielle decides to sleep with Josh
Madden. Dani, Dani, Dani!! You betrayed our man Reggie,
how could you!? Backing up, Mimi suddenly appears back in Danielle's life with
a new fiance, Garrett. Danielle is far from thrilled to see the mom who just
dumped 
her
on a father she really didn't know that well. And now that she's adjusted to
her new life, and has a great boyfriend, mom is back and wants to take her away
from it all. This is not what Dani wants to hear. And then she gets even more
that she doesn't want to hear when she overhears Livia and Mimi talking about
how Dani's paternity was in question as a baby. Well things go from just dumb
to even dumber when it seems Dani decides, hey if my mom can be a slut, so can
I. She decides to stay at the beach party with no one she knows, drinking beer
instead of taking Lily home with Reggie. Enter Josh Madden, new guy in town
who is probably too old for Dani but she lies about that. Next thing you know
they are making out and moving far too fast. Dani doesn't care anymore, she's
so upset about her mother. But I'm sorry, she's not too drunk. She seemed perfectly
sober to me, even though both Reggie (before he left) and Josh told her she
should slow down with the beers. Next thing we know, Dani and Josh are in some
beach shack, setting up some cushions and getting down to business. Our sweet
little Dani becomes a harlot before our eyes.
And now that it's over, she's too riddled with
guilt that she has to tell Reggie about it. Reggie understandably can't believe
it. Poor long suffering blue balled Reggie. She tries and tries and tries some
more to explain to him what she was going through that night but Reggie does
not want to hear it. You know what, I don't blame him one little bit. Her excuses,
er.. reasons, are just so lame. Dani pleads with him to listen and tells him
how much she loves him and doesn't care at all about Josh. Oh, that didn't exactly
help. Reggie is so hurt, he tells her he never wants to see her again.
Dani goes back to Greenlee's penthouse, which
I guess is where Mimi and Garrett are staying while they're in town. Garrett
knows all about Josh and Dani's fling because he's the one who found Dani coming
out the beach shack the morning after. He kept her secret from Mimi in order
to gain Dani's trust. It worked, because now for no other explainable reason,
Dani is confiding to Garrett what happened with Reggie. Mimi is flummoxed by
seeing Dani crying in Garrett's arms so Dani spits out at her that, just like
her, she slept with some guy she just met. But Mimi tries to tell Dani what
happened with her and Lucas. Dani isn't interested until, once again Garrett
saves the day and intervenes.
Tad has decided to get his revenge on David with
some poetic justice. He drugs him. But he doesn't just drug him, he also ties
him to a chair in David's cabin. Hmm, what is he going to do to him? Toss him
down the well? David's a little hot under the collar at the prospect of this
even though I think he knows that Tad would never do it. But when Di shows up
and plays along wanting to help Tad, that's when David plays his "I've
got a secret" card. Eventually they just leave him there, at his cabin,
all tied up. While I usually love Tad/David scenes, this one fell flat for me.
Sam, who suddenly is no longer a red head (hmm
was this done for Lily and her aversion to red?), has come to see Lily, but
she's not allowed to go out with Sam. Knowing how literal she is, Sam then invites
himself in since that wouldn't be going out. Smooth. But then the pulchritudinous
Aidan shows up and breaks up their little smootchy session. Much to Lily's dismay,
Aidan makes Sam leave. Lily's ticked that Aidan is butting into her life, gives
him a kick in the shin and goes to her room. I just love Lily more and more!
Trying to figure out his next course of action
to be alone with Lily, Sam goes to Tad and Aidan's office and manages to steal
the security access codes to Wildwind, um... his own house? Whatever. Tad comes
in while he's there, but Sam covers by saying that he's gotten to know all the
Martin's but him...where has he been? Ahh, the guilty ploy. It almost works
but he goes just a touch too far when he tells Tad that he'll try and pencil
him in for next Saturday. Nice try Sam but it doesn't work on Tad who delivers
this weeks LINE OF THE WEEK when he replies with
"You may not know it to look at me, but way back when the world was cooling,
I invented smart-ass." Trying desperately to get out of there, Sam tells
Tad that Ruth told him he'd buy him dinner, so Tad gives him some money to go
pick up some burritos and come back. Gee Tad, evidently it's been longer than
we thought since Jamie's been a teenager! Sam calls Lily to meet him at Wildwind,
which she does by sneaking out her bedroom window... again. While technically
this is a dumb idea it's just not in league with the other whopper dumb ideas
we've been discussing. So while they are hanging out and practicing their kissing,
Lily thinks she sees a ghost (hmm, Julia?) and screams. But when Sam goes to
investigate he cannot find anything.
Getting the inkling that he knows where they
are, Tad and Reggie go to Wildwind and break up their little smootchy session.
Reggie takes Lily home and rips into her something fierce, all his Dani anger
being projected onto Lily who does not like it one little bit. While Tad tells
Sam to take it easy and take it slow, Lily is very special. Sam knows all this
already and assures Tad he would never hurt her.
MEANINGLESS DRIVEL OF THE WEEK
- Amanda goes to Tad for a job with the PI agency. Tad gives it to her, Aidan
takes it away. zzzzzzzzzzzzz, sorry, nodded off there for a minute.
DUMB IDEA #5 - Krystal aligns herself with Adam
and works with him to expose Di. Even though Babe had
originally gone to Adam to get Krystal out of jail in exchange for information
about Di, from where I'm sitting that should have been the end of their deals
with Adam. But here we are again. Adam is thinking that Di is really Dixie's
sister Lanie. Good one Adam, I know a lot of fans who thought so too! Alas,
Adam's people find Lanie, who is alive and well and looking the same as she
always has. Foiled again! Krystal and Adam seemingly cry uncle and give in.
Back at the mansion, he even calls her Dixie (which if you notice, is something
I am not doing and that is because I do not believe she is Dixie and never did)
and apologizes for doubting her. He then, practically in tears, begs her to
not take JR from him by moving out. He tells Di that he's had a couple of TIA's
(those mini strokes) and it was a real wake up call for him and doesn't want
to drive anymore of his children away. He is so pathetic and needy, begging
and pleading with her to stay in the house so he can still be near JR and Little
Adam. I'm getting a sick feeling in the pit of my stomach watching Adam reduced
to this. Di tells Adam she'll talk to JR about staying and leaves the room.
It's then I breathe a sigh of relief when Adam says to me (since no one else
is in the room), "I don't know who you are, and I don't know how you know
you did it. But I do know you're not my son's mother." PHEW, he's still
Adam! Unfortunately though, I don't think Krystal's alliance with Adam will
win her any new fans who thought she was on the path to redemption.
Over
at the Roadside Bar, Babe is outside seemingly being pulled into a car by a
bunch of frat boys when it's Josh to the rescue and he pulls her out. She's
pissed!!! Seems they weren't trying to take her at all, they were taking Jamie's
car and she was trying to stop them. So to make it up to her, he says he will
help her get the car back, so they follow them to the beach. They are being
typical dufus teen or post teen boys, high fiving, barking at each other, slapping
each others asses, you know the drill. Anyway, Josh goes all mob crazy on them,
talkin the talk about getting whacked and dissin da bosses daughter etc. Babe,
in the role as da bosses daughter, Ms. Nitti, encourages her henchman Josh,
aka Vinnie the Squirrel, to get going and just whack em already. Josh, er Vinnie
decides to let them dig their own graves first. These dumbass frat boys who
are buying this whole line of crap end up just taking off on foot and never
looking back while Vinnie and Ms. Nitti have a good laugh.
It seems Amanda is feeling neglected, unloved
and unwanted. She's waiting for JR in his bedroom in tears. She apologizes to
JR for not succeeding in operation break up Jamie and Babe but JR isn't interested
in hearing her apologizes or seeing her tears. She tries to get him to listen
to her over and over, but he keeps telling her to get out. She pleads with JR
to be her friend, like they used to be. She seems genuine, although I have no
idea if she is since they have this girl all over the map. She says, "Pine
Valley is the one place that I thought I'd fit in. But I just keep getting shut
down and shut out. You, Jamie, Aidan -- everybody. I don't get it. Nobody wants
anything to do with me." She tells him this is home to her and it's not
panning out. She wants to make things right from all the mistakes she's made
since being there and wants to start with him. She tells him how jealous she
is of all that he has, not just the money but the family, how his mother came
back and how much they love each other. She tells him she just wants to stay
as far away from her mother as possible. Typically hateful JR replies, "I
assume the feeling is mutual." Through the tears Amanda pleads with JR
to hold her, how she needs someone to make her feel safe, even if it's just
for that night. Which brings us to DUMB IDEA #6
- Amanda willingly sleeps with JR and begs for his friendship/compassion.
Come on now Amanda, even you should know by now that JR has no compassion. 
And
it's also our MOST VOMIT INDUCING SCENE OF THE WEEK
when JR complies and takes her to his bed, where they have the romp she has
been dreaming about since she got to town. But it ends there. When she's just
in the throes of afterglow, JR again turns into this disgusting piece of work
that reminds me why I can't stand the guy in the first place. He tells her to
get out of his bed, get out of his house and not to ever come back for any reason.
And just to drive it all home when she says he tricked her, he says, "No.
You offered. I just didn't say no, so you're a loser, Amanda, a loser. You failed
with Jamie. You failed with me. Looks like you've run out of luck." Was
she truly looking for a shoulder to cry on? A friend to lean on? I have no idea
if we'll ever know. But to me, even if she wasn't she doesn't deserve the treatment
he gave her. It's too bad too, because my utter hatred of the character of JR
may have been softening to just a deep dislike. But after that display, I'm
back to deep seeded hatred. And believe or not, I was enjoying the softening
of JR with the return of his Faux Mommy. So much for that.
This weeks AMC gets a D... too many dumb people
roaming Pine Valley. UPDATE: And here are the results
of the "What is the dumbest idea of the week" poll: With a whopping
58% of the votes, Greenlee decides that in order to save Ryan, she needs to
get pregnant with a baby he vehemently does not want is the winner! Here are
the rest of the poll standings. Ryan decides to steal a motocycle and then drive
it over a cliff and then fake his death got 15% of the votes. Zach agrees to
help Ryan remain dead and keep his being a live a secret received 10%
Danielle decides to sleep with Josh Madden got 8% While Amanda willingly sleeps
with JR and begs for his friendship/compassion got 4%. And bringing up the rear,
Krystal aligns herself with Adam and works with him to expose Di got 2%