The Pine Valley Bulletin

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Established 1998


July 17, 2000

I cannot wait to get right into slap-mode today. Why keep anyone in suspense, let's just do it. This weeks I NEED TO BE SLAPPED award goes to St. Dixie. More and more I have found her to be so slap-worthy that I could scream, but this past week she reached new heights. In fact, she's so slappable week after week that the award will now be titled the DIXIE COONEY MARTIN COMMEMORATIVE SLAP. Now, let's start from the beginning ... after going into a big snit and quitting her job of 2 hours because David, her boss, was being pushy and demanding, Dixie rushes into David's office to get her plant so she can leave, only to see Dimitri in there. Dixie immediately wants to throw a "Dimitri's Not Dead" party and invite the town. This is not in Dimitri's plans and he tries to tell her that no one can know he's alive and that she has to keep quiet. This doesn't make any sense to St. Dixie and she pleads with Dimitri to tell Alex. Dimitri tells the nosy busybody that he was kidnapped, danger is still eminent and lives are at stake. St. Dixie just keeps talking about how thrilled everyone would be to see him, while totally ignoring the fact that he said Alex is in danger. How Dimitri didn't grab her by the shoulders and tell her to shut the hell up already is beyond me. But he shows great restraint and patience as he explains to her how she really needs to keep this secret and that lives depend on it.

After Dimitri sneaks out of the hospital, St. Dixie reprimands David for letting him leave without getting the proper medical treatment. I don't know, the last time I saw Dimitri he looked like an adult who could make his own decisions to me. Then she gets in David's face about his ability to keep this interesting bit of news from Erica. Well it seems to me that David doesn't have a problem keeping things from Erica, after all he never even told her he was hiring Dixie. David decides to take his new assistant (yes Dixie... you're his assistant, not the damn chief of staff) to lunch and discuss Dixie's inability to butt out of people's lives that don't concern her in the least. Dixie continues to argue with David that Dim's family should be told that a) he's alive and 2) he's still very ill. Why can't this annoying wench keep her nose out of it!? Dimitri didn't ask for her input! And anyway, she didn't have a problem keeping the problems she was having with her pregnancy from Tad. Where does she get off insisting that Dimitri tell anyone anything!?

Ryan and Gillian meet, unexpectedly, at the turret after making a pact not to see each other until she could tell Jake the truth. You know, these Martin's... what is it about them? Why is it that Gillian is so concerned about Jake's feelings when it's plain as day that he could give a rat's ass about hers!? He left town without even telling her! I just don't understand her overwhelming concern for his feelings. Dump his ass already and be done with it! Anyway, as Ryan and Gilly are getting into boink mode, Eugenia calls Ryan on his cell phone. Seems she's practically tripped over a hog tied henchman. You know, that Edmund is one hell of a guy isn't he? What is his deal!? He lures these criminal types to his home, let's himself get shot to death, then subdues Henchy and leaves him in his living room! Does the guy have no regard for anyone but himself and Alex? I mean what did he think would happen when someone tripped over Henchy? He's on the go though, so I guess details have to fall by the wayside. Whatever. Anyway, after calling Ryan over to help her get rid of Henchy, Joe shows up first with yet another letter from Jake for Gilly. UGH! What an ass Jake is. Can't he even write to his wife directly?? Why does he have to go through Joe? Thinking it's Ryan that came in, Eugenia calls out his name, but sees Joe come through the door. She shows him Henchy's body and while he's examining him, Ryan and Gillian come in.

The paramedics arrive and take Henchy away and he's not dead, just unconscious. Gillian gets a little panicky and tells Joe it's not how it looks. Joe is not sure what she's talking about but does ask Ryan what he's doing there. Evidently he didn't hear Eugenia call out his name. Eugenia tells Joe how she called Ryan to come and help her and he's done it in the past. Poor Joe, he's just not used to life at Weirdwind and can't grasp how there are dead bodies found there from time to time.

Where is Edmund during all this? He's trying to save Alex from her mother. After being drugged by Charlotte, Alex has become passive and impressionable so she goes with Charlotte to the plane, where they are supposedly heading to a spa together. Seems Alex mourned for Edmund for about 30 seconds. Charlotte starts to explain things when Alex suddenly has a flashback about her holding a gun on Anna and was supposed to kill her. Alex can't do it, evidently she's taken aback by the resemblance or some such thing. Charlotte explains that since she couldn't kill Anna, the organization did it for her and now she wants them to be a team. She wants Alex to be her right hand. The funniest part was when Alex tried to take Charlotte's gun, but Charlotte very easily turned the tables on her and tells her that she'd never kill her own daughter, luckily Alex isn't her daughter.

Oh gee, I never saw that coming! So let's watch as Charlotte explains. It turns out that Charlotte was working for the government when she got pregnant by some unknown person. She met the man who Alex believed was her father and married him, only to have a miscarriage later. But by now she was in love with the man so she stayed married. It turned out that Mr. Devane's sister was pregnant with twins and Charlotte went to help take care of her during the pregnancy. When the babies were born, Charlotte stole one for herself, telling the woman that one of them died (shades of Erica stealing Maddie from Maria). She then moved far away with the stolen baby (Alex) and her husband. Anna was the other baby. Charlotte made sure that Alex and Anna never met. This was the nice neat little package AMC came up with to end this wretched storyline. There are so many holes in this it's pitiful. How did Charlotte's husband allow her to steal his own sister's baby for one thing? How did Alex have flashbacks of a child named Robin calling her "mommy" if she's not really Anna? And now that she knows everything, why isn't Alex interested at all in finding her real family? I have to guess, since I don't know, that this neat little ending leaves the history of Anna Devane intact? I guess that's something. They may have given us this ridiculous story with an even more ridiculous ending, but hopefully in the process they didn't ruin the history of another soap too. I wonder if what I've been saying about this story is actually true... AMC did not look at the bigger picture. I always thought that they started this to lure in more viewers who may not watch AMC but do watch GH, while not really considering that longtime AMC viewers who never watched GH would not care about who Anna Devane is. This was all handled so poorly, right from the beginning. What was the first thing they did with this storyline? They fired one of the pivotal players, Michael Nader. Thank goodness they at least discovered their error of their ways with that one!

Back to the story, Edmund has snuck onto the plane without being seen. I guess that's because they were in such a blasted hurry to put this storyline out of it's misery that there was no time to think about Charlotte having a guard outside the plane. Then again, Edmund did just beat the crap out of Henchy so maybe he was still riding that adrenalin rush and beat the crap out of everyone he encountered. Anyway, Edmund listens as Charlotte does all this stupid ass explaining to Alex and then sneaks up behind her as a stunned Alex watches. I guess it's good she didn't mourn for Edmund too much anyway. Edmund overpowers Charlotte then calls Derek. Derek comes to the plane with a few cops and hauls Charlotte off to jail. That's it. Can you believe how incredibly lame that ending was!? Oh there was cool good thing about it. Charlotte's parting words to Alex were this weeks LINE OF THE WEEK, "Now you can get on with your life." Later, Edmund and Alex cuddle as Dimitri watches from outside. So now that the Charlotte threat is gone, how long will it be until he let's her know he's alive? Not right away I suspect.

So, while this is all going on, MyAdrian and WhinySpice (did you catch the platform sneakers!?) are trying to get out of the van that is being filled with carbon monoxide from a hole in the bottom of the van. Here's an idea MyAdrian, instead of giving WhinySpice your shirt to breath through, why don't you stuff the shirt into the hole? Too easy? Oops, sorry. Anywho... WhinySpice passes out and without her constant whiny chatter, MyAdrian is finally able to get the van door open and get her out, where he gives her mouth to mouth (lucky bitch) and revives her. MyAdrian then decides that he's going to go after the bad guys and she should stay put. Good one MyAdrian! Leave her there so the bad guys can come back for their van and maybe haul her away for good! No such luck though, WhinySpice decides she is going with MyAdrian. Damn. They find out that Charlotte and the rest of her cronies have been hauled off to the clink so MyAdrian decides to take WhinySpice for a ride on Charlotte's plane. Not sure how he managed that but whatever. I think he's hoping to induct her into the Mile High Club. MyAdrian is a man of the world so I'm sure he's already a member. But WhinySpice decides to tell him a really long and boring story about being lost. I don't know what she was talking about since I pretty much zoned out while she was speaking. Sure, when you want a weather report interruption you don't get it! Right about now I'm wishing that MyAdrian would toss WhinySpice out of the plane.

MEANINGLESS DRIVEL OF THE WEEK - Scott decides to create a website that Becca as Leo's target and all the things he's doing to try and deflower her. The site is supposed to look like Leo created it. Wow Scott, that is some brilliant plan you got there. Duh.

Speaking of Becca and Leo, they are about to have their first date when Tramplee decides that she really needs Leo's help. She is waiting for Ryan to arrive for their date and wants Leo at her side to make sure that Ryan gets jealous. Well, Leo and Becca are just about to have dinner when Becca gets a panicky call from Opal about having her go pick up Petey. You know, Tramplee's Opal impersonation wasn't half bad. And it worked. Becca ran out on Leo to go help out Opal.

In the meantime, Gillian has had a nightmare about Ryan disappearing from her life for good, ala Romeo and Juliet. So she heads over to the loft to see him after waking up. She tells him she can't stand the thought of being without him for a minute longer and wants to tell everyone that they are together. Ryan soothes her and tells her to stay with him at the loft. He totally blows off his date with Tramplee. Ryan promises Gilly that they will have a happy ending. Happy ending on a soap? Talk about the kiss of death! I hope Ryan's wrong. They decide to come clean so Ryan will tell Tramplee and Gilly has the brilliant idea to fly to war torn Chechnya so she can ask Jake for a divorce.

Tramplee is getting upset that Ryan is nowhere to be found so Leo decides to cheer her up by taking her over to Erica's place. Right after they leave, Becca comes back to the Valley Inn for her date with Leo, but he's already gone. But Scott is there so she settles for having dinner with him instead. Over at Erica's, Tramplee tells Leo that she called Becca and pretended to be Opal. Leo pretends to be mad for about 5 seconds then they fall back onto Erica's ugly bed and talk about how they are after the wrong people and how shallow they are. This scene, while I enjoyed it immensely, did confuse me. I mean here they are, bonding and getting close again. It's very obvious they want each other. But Tramplee keeps pulling away. And then there's the Leo part. When they were talking about the bet, Leo says something about how he hasn't won it, YET. Does this mean he's still trying? Here I actually thought Leo liked Becca. So what is it with these two? The thrill of the chase? Whatever it is, I like the Tramplee/Leo pairing more than the Becca/Leo or Tramplee/Ryan pairings. They bring out each others humanity.

The next morning, Erica comes in like Mama Bear and says, "who's been sleeping in my bed?" after she discovers Tramplee and the Casanova asleep in her ugly bed. Erica also has to ask, "who's been eating my ice cream?" and "who's been wearing my peignoir!" Tramplee rushes out with her tail between her legs after the big "E" chastises her. But Leo explains to Erica how he was taking care of Tramplee after her heart got broken. Erica starts to soften and then totally melts when Leo tells her that other than Tramplee she is his only friend. So my question is... is Leo a really great con artist or does he really have some sincerity?

After Leo leaves, Jack suddenly appears in Erica's bedroom. Seems he needs to discuss Bianca with her. Jack tells her that Bianca is neglecting her horse, skipping school and is surly and sullen. NO! Not surly and sullen!!! Erica makes a point of referring to Bianca as her "teenage" daughter about 30,000 times. I guess that's to prepare us for the fact that she's no longer twelve years old. Then she decides she will go to Seattle and put Barbara in her place, but Jack doesn't think that's a very good idea. Erica then talks him into telling Travis and Barbara that Bianca should come to Pine Valley for awhile. So there you have it... Bianca is coming to Pine Valley and will be living under the same roof with Erica and Leo. Let the fireworks begin!!

Tramplee and Leo head over to Ryan's place and put on a show for Ryan about having spent the night together after he stood her up. Ryan could really care less about any of it but Tramplee doesn't notice. Ryan sends Leo on his way then tells Tramplee that he is not jealous of Leo and he doesn't love her. Tramplee is a bit confused and doesn't really believe him. But when he plays the Cynthia card she starts to panic, although she initially denies it. Ryan gets pissed off and tells her he knows that she was pretending to be Cynthia and that she should stop lying. He stops short of telling her about Gillian though.

In the meantime, Gilly finds Joe at the Valley Inn and is going to tell him about her and Ryan and how she wants to go to Chechnya to tell Jake in person. She doesn't get a chance to say a thing though because Joe has some news for her. It seems that Jake's helicopter is missing somewhere in Chechnya. Gilly is rather shattered by the news and just then Tad arrives so Joe tells him. Tad tries to remain optimistic and decides to call MyAdrian so he can use his contacts to find Jake. Gilly calls Ryan and tells him what is going on so he leaves to go comfort her. MyAdrian decides to contact Mike Roy to help him find Jake, but this doesn't mean we will see Mike. He's not making any appearances on the show.

Back at the loft we are treated to a "poor little rich girl" scene as Woody goes there to see how Tramplee and his investment into is doing. He tells Tramplee that he saw her parents in Philadelphia and that they sent her a check and a letter. Tramplee isn't buying it though, she knows Woody wrote the note. Tramplee breaks down and cries when she realizes there is no one in her life she can count on other than Woody. I kind of like seeing her vulnerable side. It's nice to know there is more to her than just a Tramplee.

Here's a little more MEANINGLESS DRIVEL... both Marian and Brooke have voiced their concerns that Tad and Liza are working together. That coupled with the fact that TPTB are denying that Tad and Liza will have another affair pretty much clinches the fact that they will.

Dateline: Valley Inn Dining Room. Nessie tries to sell off all her jewels to the highest bidder. Ahh, but the jeweler knows a little too much about her already and knows that PC has cut off all her funds and that she's desperate for money. And speaking of PC, he walks into the dining room just in time to see the deal go awry. Nessie is humiliated beyond belief and it only gets worse. Myrtle comes in with the Phoebster and wouldn't you know it, Myrt is wearing one of Nessie's very expensive scarves. She tries to take it off her but PC intervenes and as he keeps Nessie quiet by holding onto her face like she's a child, PC makes plans to have lunch to Myrt at a later date. And then, to finish her off, PC serves Nessie with divorce papers. We knew what it was before she even read them though right? Of course! Divorce papers in Pine Valley are always on blue paper. And just to completely her humiliation, Nessie begs PC for one more chance.

Adam has decided he wants his company back and calls a secret board meeting without Tad and Liza. Adam makes Arlene wait outside the board room while he talks to the board. When Tad arrives, Arlene tries to prevent him from going inside by making up some ridiculous story about Adam coming to pick up his things and is talking to himself in the board room. Tad pretends to believe her and goes off. What he really does though is call Liza and tell her to get to Chandler Enterprises immediately and grabs some of his incriminating evidence against Adam then heads back to the board room.

This time Arlene can't stop Tad from going inside and he immediately tries to ruin any credibility that Adam may have by showing the board Donald Steele's photos of Adam getting his ass kicked at the Roadside Bar. When Liza arrives Arlene really gets ticked and starts yelling and carrying on. Adam tries to get her to shut up, but Tad runs with it. He goes on and on, telling the board how Adam has lost his mind and married a boozy floozy. That's the last straw for Arlene, she jumps on the conference table and crawls across it while yelling profanity at Tad and Liza. It continues and fast becomes this weeks SCENE OF THE WEEK as Arlene calls Liza a pasty-faced bitch and informs her that Adam is a sex machine who has boinked her in every room of Chandler Mansion, even Winifred's room! Oh to see the look on Winnie's face if she had heard that one!

Adam and Arlene leave but not exactly in shame. Adam's got a plan up his sleeve so he takes Arlene to their favorite dive to start plotting. Liza shows up at the bar and tells Adam that he should just give it up, and that she has won. She tells him he will never get Chandler Enterprises back. Adam tells her he doesn't want it back and that instead he's going to buy a new business. In fact, he's buying the Roadside Bar. Liza is taken aback by this new venture and once again tells him never to come near her or Colby again. Liza honey, he didn't... you followed him. Anyway, Arlene is less than thrilled with Adam's idea to buy the bar and have her run it. But Adam's plan is actually to have the bar be a front while he dismantles Chandler Enterprises piece by piece. Adam's logic is that if he can't run the company, then no one can.

The next morning, Arlene still doesn't quite get it, but Adam is too busy plotting to spell it all out of her, so he tells her to go pour herself some breakfast while he talks to his spy on the board at Chandler Enterprises. Just then, Hayley and Mateo show up to try and talk some sense into Adam. Evidently word travels fast because she already knew that he had plans to buy the Roadside Bar. How? I have no idea... maybe Liza told her. Hayley goes on and on about all the mistakes he's making and how he's not himself and she thinks he may be losing his mind. Adam fires back with a terrific line, "That's funny, I never doubted your sanity after all the mistakes you've made." Adam 1 - Hayley 0. Adam then informs Hayley that she doesn't have to be his daughter anymore and she could just leave. All the while Mateo doesn't say a word and I find him infinitely more appealing when he doesn't speak.

At this point, Winifred comes into the room carrying a bunch of packages that were just delivered. Arlene thinks they are some things she ordered off the internet, but it turns out that it's the fishing rods and stuff that Adam had ordered for his annual fishing trip with Stuart. Hayley tries to get the stuff away from him as Adam lapses into one of his "I miss you Stuart" speeches. As Adam wonders off in a haze, Arlene tells Hayley that Adam is just going through a phase and that shouldn't worry because she'll take care of him. Somehow this doesn't put Hayley's mind at ease. And after seeing him break down after seeing the fishing rods, Hayley realizes that the real Adam is still inside him and won't give up on him.

And lastly, in the desert, Marilyn is telling Stuart how every time she tries to make a call that could be a lead to who he is, Esther shows up. Hey Marilyn, most people have phones in their homes. If you went there to make the call, I bet Esther wouldn't barge in on you. Duh. Anyway, Stuart diverts Esther by taking her for a walk so Marilyn could make the call. She calls Adam because she found his name and phone number on a piece of paper in the trailer. Ahhh but Arlene answers so when she Marilyn asks her if they are missing someone named Stuart, Arlene panics! She can't let her meal ticket come to an end already and that is exactly what will happen if Stuart is found. Arlene decides she needs to see for herself if the guy Marilyn is talking about is really Stuart so she makes up something about going to see a designer and Adam gives her the OK to charter a jet and go.

Arlene arrives at the Queen of Hearts about 20 seconds later in the most awful looking get up I have ever seen! She puts even Opal to shame! It was so atrocious that it's inspired me to come up with a new award... FASHION DISASTER OF THE WEEK.

Arlene is shocked when she sees that the man in question really is Stuart. And when Stuart hears her voice, he has a flashback to the accident. All this gives me hope that this may soon be coming to an end, but I don't think it's happening. In fact, my theory on the whole Stuart saga is that it won't be ending until November sweeps. My reasoning is that Olivia Birkelund (Arlene) has signed a contract until November and as soon as Stuart is found alive and gets his memory back, Adam will ride her out of town on rail! I hope I'm wrong, because I sure can't take another four months of Stuart being missing! And I'm definitely hoping they pick up Olivia's contract and make her long term!

As a totally off topic aside, our gung ho ABC affiliate interrupted AMC FOUR times with weather reports on Friday. FOUR TIMES!!! And one of them was in the final moments of the show!!! You know, I just don't get it. It's rained in Cleveland lots of times, I think we can handle it without the constant updates of the storm moving a fraction of an inch! Sheesh.

This weeks AMC gets a B- very limited Mateo and Hayley, good stuff with Arlene (as usual!) and some really good Leo and Tramplee stuff.