The Pine Valley Bulletin

Welcome to Pine Valley's only online newspaper!

Established 1998


July 10, 2000

Well... all good things must come to an end. Waifley and Assholeo are back from their honeymoon and as nauseating as ever. First thing Hayley does is go to see her father and encourage him to dump Arlene like yesterday's trash. Except when she gets there Arlene answers the door in her peignoir basking in the afterglow of boink city with Adam. Hayley is disgusted and says some mean and nasty things to her mother, while Arlene ignores her and proceeds to tell Hayley what a machine her dad is. When Adam comes downstairs after his first shower in weeks, he tells Hayley that he has no intentions of ending his marriage to Arlene. Arlene is sitting back with that happy grin of hers until Adam starts talking about how romance is for young people like her and Mateo and that is not what he wants. That definitely changes Arlene's expression from happy to stricken. See she's got this fantasy that Adam will fall in love with her and she will be welcomed into Pine Valley society with open arms. It seems that no matter how many times Adam tells her he married her because everyone hates her and he wants everyone to hate him too, it just doesn't get absorbed into her vodka laced brain. And it goes from bad to worse because Adam then tells Hayley that if she doesn't approve of his new wife, she could just leave and she does. Now that wasn't part of the bargain, Adam was supposed to help Arlene improve her relationship with Hayley, not completely destroy it. Well... come to think of it, Arlene did a pretty good job of that by herself.

After making a stop at SOS to thank Mateo for being perfect (somebody get me a barf bag!), Hayley goes over to that famous Pine Valley ocean beach for her summer Wave party. Here we see lots of scantily clad people, mainly the girls in bikini's. Tramplee is lying out in the sun and having either Leo or Ryan, depending on her mood, rub oil onto her. Ryan ends up squirting oil right down the front of Tramplee's bikini top when he spots Gillian at the party. OK, this is just getting a bit too ridiculous! Ryan and Gillian are constantly gazing at each other like lovesick puppy dogs. Their affair is supposed to be a secret but the way they are constantly staring at each other makes it a secret that even Stevie Wonder could figure out. And not only does Tramplee notice that Ryan got flustered when Gilly arrived, but so did Waifley. So let's recap all that know or suspect that Ryan and Gillian have a thing... Adrian and Eugenia know. Tad, Hayley and Tramplee suspect. This is not the way to keep a secret guys. Either curb your lust when others are around, or don't be around each other in a group!

While the Wave party is happening, we are also treated to some MEANINGLESS DRIVEL OF THE WEEK when Mateo goes over to Adam's to throw in his meaningless and unasked for 2¢ about the Adam's marriage to Arlene.

Scott and Marian have put their heads together to try and come up with a plan to make Leo look like a creep to Becca so that she will never want to see him again. Get this, their big plan is for Scott to back off and be the bigger man while Becca tries to figure out what she wants. That's brilliant! Hey Scott, why don't you just drive them on their date while your at it! The minute Scott told her this and walked off (only to hide in the bushes to see what she does) she made a date with Leo and started to have a blast. Gee Scott, she's never this much fun with you is she? Maybe that should tell you something... i.e. you're a drip! Scott then rushes back to Marian for more advice since that brilliant plan backfired. Marian tells Scott that they need to dig up some dirt on Leo that they can have Becca find out, something so terrible that she won't ever want to see him. Well let's see, she knows what he did to Marian, she knows he was arrested for murder (and believed he didn't do it), she knows that he and Greenlee made a bet that he could get her in bed. None of these things have mattered so what could they possibly come up with that would? Scott realizes that the only person he can get the dirt from is Tramplee so he sets out to try and find out some dirt. Maybe she'll spill that they slept together, but that wouldn't matter really. Becca forgave Scott for the same uh, indiscretion. I guess he could find out that Leo is helping Tramplee snare Ryan... but that hardly seems like something that would make her never want to see him again. You know what, who cares anyway!?

The stage was set this week for Bianca's return (on July 27) when she receives a frantic call from Barbara about something that Bianca has done. Leo heard Erica handle the whole thing and seemed to gain a new respect for her. He told her that she was a very good mother and deserved someone better than David in her life. So who's taking bets that Leo will seduce the newly aged Bianca or maybe she'll seduce him??

Back at the beach, yet again Tramplee sees Ryan ogling Gilly and decides she's going to knock her down. But instead it becomes her own humiliation as she trips over a lounge chair and falls face first in the sand while everyone, even Ryan, laughs at her. Tramplee scurries off to the ocean to wash the sand off herself.

Later, after talking about "From Here to Eternity" (which I'm pretty sure is about a war, not about two people making love on the beach - although there is a scene of that in there) Ryan and Gilly both get the idea to go to a secluded area of the beach with no intentions of seeing each other. Huh? Wait a minute, let's try that again. Gilly tells Ryan about "From Here to Eternity" which she says is about two people making love on the beach with the waves crashing all around them. Gilly... that's not the plot hon, that's a scene. Anyway, both of them got all hot and bothered so one at a time they head off to a secluded area of the beach. Oops, MyAdrian is having a discussion with Dimitri (I'll get to that later) when Gilly arrives so MyAdrian has to divert her attention so Dim can get away without her seeing him. She tells him she came down to the beach to be alone and right on cue, Ryan arrives. Neither knew they other would be there, but MyAdrian is too wrapped up in spy stuff to care. And then later, as they are lying on the beach in the moonlight, their bliss is interrupted by Tad and Dixie. That is one popular remote area of beach. Later Gilly comes back after ditching Tad and Dix to say it's getting too dangerous to see each other and they should not see each other until after Jake is back and she can tell him she wants a divorce. Yeah, I'd say they last about 5 minutes with that plan.

After Edmund interrupted their close encounter, MyAdrian decided it was too dangerous to be seeing Tina while all this spy business was going on, so he gives her the major brush off. Fine by me, I just wish it had been permanent. Tina is just not good enough for my man! Unfortunately he's only trying to protect her. So, after meeting with Dimitri, MyAdrian and Dim decide that MyAdrian will try to get on Charlotte's team. It seems that her people approached him a few years back to join them, but he wasn't interested. Using that as a lead in, MyAdrian goes to see Charlotte. At first Charlotte plays dumb and pretends to not know what MyAdrian is talking about, but a few names thrown in at the right time get her to thinking about MyAdrian's usefulness in her organization. Let me just interject here a moment... for the head of an international underground organization, Charlotte is not too bright. She would have MyAdrian tailed, watched, observed and all kinds of other stuff before she made a decision to let him in. So while she's mulling it over, MyAdrian goes to meet Dim and tell him what has transpired so far. Then tells Dim that he left a laptop computer in the tack room and that he needs to hack into the computer system at General Hospital in Port Charles, NY to find out everything he can about Anna Devane. You know, it occurred to me that Dim should go hide out in the turret, it's way more comfy than the mausoleum or the tack room. I guess he'd have to endure a live sex show, but hey, we're talking about a sick man's comfort here. Later when Dim is trying to get into the General Hospital database, he gets a call from MyAdrian telling him to leave the tack room immediately, that Charlotte is on her way there. In his haste to get out of there fast, Dim leaves a slip of paper on the desk that says the words "General Hospital" on them. Oddly enough, Charlotte didn't notice.

MyAdrian arrives at the tack room for his meeting with Charlotte, which explained how he knew she was headed there. She has decided that she needs to put him through a little test before she'll accept him into the organization. Not much of a test really, just a little matter of killing Edmund! *insert sinister music here*

Let's back track a little to Charlotte drugging Alex and playing mind games with her. She's turned her from paranoid face clutching loony, to a passive little mama's girl. She's planted the suggestion that Edmund cannot be trusted, so instead of being lovey dovey with him, she's suddenly awfully snippy and resentful of his hovering over her. He tries to keep her away from Charlotte but she keeps giving him the slip. Edmund can't seem to figure out what has caused the drastic change in Alex, but the funny thing is, David noticed immediately. He even asked her if she was on medication after she went to the office for the first time in months and actually acted agreeable. Edmund finds Alex in the lab with her mother and insists that he'll take care of her and sends Charlotte away. Here again I have to wonder why the head of this big underground organization takes this crap from Edmund. She could have had him killed months ago and that would have been that. Now he's just a pain in her ass. So after Charlotte skulks off in a huff, Edmund decides he has to tell Alex the truth in order to get her to trust him again and tells her that her mother is the one behind her brainwashing. Alex doesn't believe Edmund though and thinks Edmund himself may be loony. Then Edmund finally notices the needle marks on her arm and realizes she's been drugged. He takes this opportunity to tell her that Dimitri is alive, which sends Alex into a frenzy. That Eddie... he's close to brilliance huh?

In the meantime, Dimitri has decided to break into Alex's office and use David's computer to hack into the GH database. Interestingly he got into Pine Valley Hospital unnoticed, got into the office unnoticed, and slammed on the keyboard and yelled without anyone hearing. It's when he's quiet and hiding under David's desk that he finally gets noticed. David notices that he's in pain and wants to admit him into the hospital but Dim refuses. Then Erica walks into the office and Dim dives under that desk so fast he could almost pass for Greg Louganis! While David is trying to get rid of Erica, Dim has a very bad episode with pain and passes out. David finally gets Erica to leave the office and rushes back to aid Dimitri, administering CPR. I'm going to give the PERFORMER OF THE WEEK award to Dimitri this week for two reasons, being so stealth as to have no one see him while he's at the PV Hospital and for portraying pain so well that I almost get a headache myself while watching him.

Over at Wildwind, Alex is planning on going on a trip with Charlotte, but Ed is doing all he can to make sure she doesn't go. He even calls MyAdrian over to help him with Charlotte, but ah ha, MyAdrian has to prove himself to Charlotte so he turns the tables on Edmund and pulls a gun on him. Edmund and Alex are both stunned and even more stunned when MyAdrian fires the gun at Edmund, and right before he "dies" he tells Alex he loves her. That Alex, she's one hell of a doctor...she can't even feel for a pulse correctly as she pronounces Edmund dead! She is devastated for about two minutes, then Charlotte admits to Alex that she's been drugging her. She tells her that everything will be fine and that MyAdrian is working for them. MyAdrian reiterates this and tells Alex to trust her mother. Off Alex goes, rather passively, with Charlotte and once they get on the plane headed who knows where, Charlotte starts to tell Alex the truth about Anna, who really is a separate person.

Tina has chosen this moment to play super sleuth and goes to Wildwind to find out what is going on with MyAdrian. This has to be the dumbest move anyone could possibly make and earns Tina this weeks I NEED TO BE SLAPPED award. MyAdrian tries with all his might to get Tina to leave, but she refuses. Charlotte hasn't got time for this nonsense so she orders Quinn to get rid of them both. Quinn then comes out to where Tina and MyAdrian are talking and knocks MyAdrian out right in front of Tina, who of course, freaks out. Quinn tosses both Tina and MyAdrian into the back of a van and starts driving. Tina can't shut up and screams about how they are going to pay for kidnapping them, while MyAdrian lies back there unconscious. When he finally comes to, he tries to get Tina to shut the hell up but she's too hysterical. Then it finally dawns on her that he's doing "spy stuff" again. When the van finally stops, MyAdrian and Tina get poisoned with carbon monoxide. Never fear, MyAdrian will save the day!

Back at David's office, Erica didn't really leave, but instead sees Dixie and starts chatting her up. Seems David never told the big "E" that he hired Dixie as his Administrative Assistant, which is just a fancy term for secretary, believe me, I know... I am one! Erica seems to be acting a little jealous when Dixie tells her that David approached her for the job, but Dixie assures Erica that she has no designs on David and that she is very happily married. Erica responds to this in typical Erica fashion and with this weeks LINE OF THE WEEK, "Oh Dixie, you're the last woman in Pine Valley I'd see as a threat."

While the two woman circle each other like prey, Dimitri is telling David about Charlotte and how she's the head of this big underground organization. David, of course, isn't buying it and thinks that Dim's illness is messing with his mind. Things change though when Dim shows David Anna Devane's bio and picture. David hears Erica again and tells Dixie to get rid of her. Dixie gets a little pissy, evidently not knowing that Administrative Assistant really means slave. Dixie fails miserably at getting Erica to leave, which really isn't her fault since Erica doesn't listen to anyone but Erica. When David finally comes out to talk to her again, Erica is all upset and thinks he's shutting her out. Talk about paranoid, the guy is a doctor, give him a break huh? When he finally strokes her enough for her to agree to leave, David reprimands Dixie for not doing as he asked and getting rid of Erica. Ahh it does a body good to see someone put Dixie in her place. But evidently she needs to bone up on the finer points of a boss/employee relationship because a few little words of criticism from David have her quitting on the spot. Yeah, she'll make it in the work force. He warned her that he was demanding, and she said she could handle it. Yeah, she really handled it. Then she goes rushing into David's office to get her plant so she can leave and oops, she sees Dim too.

Over at Wildwind, Charlotte's henchman is about to dispose of Eddie's body when he suddenly is alive and well and takes out the dude himself! I have one question: where was Peggy, Stella, and Eugenia not to mention Sam and Maddie when all of this... the arguments, the shooting, Edmund lying dead on the floor, then the big scuffle between Henchy and Eddie took place? Do they all live in sound proof rooms over there?

And on to Chandler Enterprises. Tad and Liza have just pulled a major coup at the board meeting and are happily basking in their triumph. Little do they know that Adam is watching in the security booth and he gets more and more steamed as they make more and more plans to totally revamp the company. They want a kinder, gentler Chandler Enterprises, not the cutthroat business that Adam ran. Adam does not like that, Chandler Enterprises is his baby. He built it from nothing and with Arlene's prodding, he decides he wants it back. Arlene pushes all the right buttons on Adam and gets him all riled up to take back what is his. Adam calls a private board meeting without Tad and Liza, much to Arlene's delight. She wants him back at the helm of his money making empire.

Marilyn wants to help Stuart find out who he is so she's doing some digging... on the internet and in the trailer. While she's digging up any clues she can find, Stuart finishes his painting of the Queen of Hearts. And back at the gallery, Faux Frederick comes to see Marian and tell her he was sorry he upset her and that he couldn't stop thinking of Cindy's message. He tells her that he wants to help and that Stuart is either not dead or has not made the transition to the next plain. He only ends up upsetting Marian again and as she weeps, the painting of her that Stuart is working on also weeps. Ahh I'm just a sap at heart because I just loved that, cheesy as it was and give it this weeks SCENE OF THE WEEK.

Marilyn comes back from her fact finding mission at the trailer and tells Stuart she found the name Chandler Gallery on the back of his painting and decides to call. When Marian answers, Marilyn tells her she's calling about an artist named Stuart. Marian is taken aback, but when Marilyn says Stuart Glynn, Marian says she's never heard of him and hangs up. And in the back room, Esther is very upset that Stuart is not paying any attention to her. Judd tries to comfort her and I'm thinking they will probably end up together.

This weeks AMC gets C... painfully average. Come on, you knew Edmund wasn't really dead!