February 8, 1999
Let's not let it be said that I discriminate when I dole out slaps. While the men were definitely on my hit list last week, there are a few women this week who could stand to get slapped. Let's start with Liza and her belly stuffed with newspapers. She started out needing it because she just kept meddling in Tad's life when he asked her over and over to stop. She still continued, insisting that Dixie is sick, but Tad would not listen to her. She even tries to get Wooden to spill what he knows about Dixie. Well she did finally find irrefutable proof that Dixie is indeed sick and headed straight to the hospital, somehow knowing Tad was there, to tell him. I was a little mixed on my feelings for this at first... should she have told him? Should she have shown him the tape? The answer to that is yes and I take her slap back because the scene with her, Tad, Jake and Adrian all watching Dixie's tape was so moving. Tad and Liza were visibly in tears. I even shed one or two myself as I watched Tad realize the woman he loves is dying.
OK, how about Gillian. Now you know I love the girl, but she's definitely a few cards short of a deck. The minute she's out of prison she heads straight to David's office, gun in hand. She finally realizes that David never loved her, that he only used her for sex. Wow Gilly, that took you what? Six months to figure out? And now she's there to even the score with David for turning her and Ryan in. And all the while, David taunts her and tells her he was just trying to teach her a lesson for using him! OK, so we've established that they used each other. Then Gillian says she's going to shoot David in the spot he loves the most... uh, can you guess where that is? The brain? No... although it's been said that a lot of men think with this part of their anatomy. The heart? What heart? David has a heart? OK... no more hints, if you haven't guessed by now, you need more Melrose Place in your diet.
At the perfect moment, Jake walks in and sees Gillian pointing the gun at David's... uh, manhood. The guy never misses a beat and nonchalantly starts talking to Gillian. She tells him that he can't stop her, and Jake says hey, I'm not trying to. Then he gives this weeks LINE OF THE WEEK when he says, "I realize that you're aiming at a small target, but at such close quarters, you're going to get this splatter back effect of blood and what not and it would stain what I think is a really cute outfit." David is not too pleased with Jake's cavalier attitude in regards to his... uh, manhood being threatened either. But Jake tells Gillian the safety is on the gun and then takes it from her. Jake also gets the honor of being this weeks PERFORMER OF THE WEEK.
David tries to call security, but Jake talks him out of it and David leaves in a huff. Gillian and Jake are talking and Gillian just carelessly leaves the gun on David's desk. Luckily one of them is actually thinking and Jake takes the gun. Gillian then tells Jake that she never really would have shot David. Jake replies with another LINE contender this week when he says, "I wouldn't worry about that much, somebody will, someday." This whole scene in David's office is my SCENE OF THE WEEK.
Jake then takes Gillian back to Myrtle's and they talk about how much they both hate David. I really enjoyed these scenes with Jake and Gillian and if I didn't love her with Ryan so much, I'd almost say they wouldn't be bad together... but I'm rooting for Ryan and Gilly! At any rate, Jake gets an emergency page. When he calls in and says he's Joe Martin, I'm momentarily confused, thinking he's impersonating his father. But well, his name is Joe really. It seemed odd that he used it then though. Then he tells Gilly he's got a patient coming into emergency. Gillian says the exact thing I'm thinking, "Doesn't the ER have other doctors?" He tells her it's Ryan and they rush off.
At the jail, Trevor is trying to get Ryan to admit that he and Kit had consensual sex. Ryan is not going for it. And at the same time he's coughing and hacking and I'm thinking he's got a pretty bad case of Captain Tripp's. Trevor asks him if he needs a doctor, but he says no. He's getting sicker and sicker though, and he keeps calling out for Gillian. He's on the floor rolled up in a blanket when Wooden sneaks in to see him. Ryan obviously recognizes him, but he's so sick he can barely speak. Wooden calls for help and when Jackass arrives he tells Ryan to get up off the floor. See, the big bad DA thinks that Ryan is faking it. Take a closer look Jackass, Ryan is unconscious! He finally realizes that Ryan needs medical attention and calls 911. Then he turns to Wooden to ask him what the heck he is doing there and what his connection to Ryan is. Wooden stands there like an old maple tree and I'm reminded of something...If a Wooden falls in the woods, and no one is around to hear him, was he ever really there?
You know, Wooden is pretty stealth when it comes to getting in and out of places he's not supposed to be in. He wasn't supposed to be at Ryan's cell and he got down there. Then when the paramedics are telling Jackass that Ryan's temperature is 105, Wooden skips out, unseen and unheard again. All the while, Jackass thought Ryan was faking being sick. Now if I were Ryan, I would get some kind of lawsuit going against Jackass and the police department when all this is over.
So here we are, at the hospital and Gilly wants to get in to see Ryan. She can't though because only hospital personnel are allowed. Jake comes up with a plan... why not break more hospital rules, he does it everyday anyway, so what's one more time? He disguises Gillian as Nurse Janet from Another Planet. I don't think Gillian talks to herself in mirrors though. Then she goes into Ryan's room and in his delirium, he tells her he loves her. But he also thinks it's Christmas. After a little while, Wooden exhibits his stealth-like tendencies again by sneaking past the guard and into Ryan's room. This is where Gillian's slap worthiness comes into play again. She's not really concerned that Wooden is there, she tells him she is not really a nurse, and then she starts screaming when Ryan wakes up. Nothing like drawing attention to yourself there Gilly honey.
Let's move on to Dixie. She's probably the most likely of the women to receive a slap this week. She is so far up on her high horse, I sometimes wonder if she can possibly get down. She blames Adam for Junior running away, and OK, it pretty much is his fault. He should never have told Junior about Dixie's illness without checking with Dixie first. Junior had gone to Tad, and just as he was about to tell Tad why he ran away, Dixie and Adam show up and whisk Junior away. Back at Adam's, Junior and Dixie have a really nice talk and she explains that she is sick. Then she calls David over to further explain her condition to Junior. Now for the slap worthy part... this martyr act. It's totally worn thin. And her constant threats to Adam that she and Junior are going to leave Pine Valley. How many times has she done that already? Seems to me that Junior is the only one in that family who has his head on straight. He tells Dixie they can't leave because Dr. Hayward is in Pine Valley. Dixie got a look on her face that, to me, said "Duh, I didn't think of that." But then she says there are other doctors and she'll just get someone else. Adam had tried to appeal to her as a parent, but then Dixie just got nasty. So Adam had to threaten legal action again, and Dixie had to threaten him back with exposing how he bought off the judge at Max's preliminary custody hearing. *Yawn*
Braden is talking to Dixie as she packs and he tells her that Palmer asked him to make her forget about Tad. Dixie is ticked, but not surprised. Then Tad bursts in and surprises them both. Tad picks Dixie up and walks off with her. The best part was that everyone just laughed and wished her well as Tad had her over his shoulder and left with her.
At Weirdwind, Hayley is telling Assholeo that she cannot stay one more night in that house, under the same roof as Miss Kitty and Raquel. She wants their own place, to start over. Assholeo agrees, they should move, BUT and this is one big but... can they just stay one more week until the custody hearing is over. Um, Assholeo? Did you hear your wife pleading with you to leave that night? Did you hear her when she said she would not stay under the same roof as those two whacko women, not even for one more day? Then he asks her not to go because, get this folks, he needs her to help him make decisions. WHAT? Since when has he ever consulted her when a decision had to be made? EVER? And then, Hayley gives us her slap worthy moment of the week by actually caving! She is going to stay with her beloved Assholeo until the custody hearing is over. Someone pass me the barf bag.
Next thing I know, we see Eddie and Miss Kitty in Ed's study or some other room at Weirdwind, who can keep track of them all? Miss Kitty showed us her slap worthy moment when she thanked Eddie for the millionth time, for completely alienating his family and turning into the biggest jerk since Assholeo hit town. Eddie replies with, "No problem blondie." It's a good thing I have a spare barf bag for just such an occasion. And what? Do my eyes deceive me or is that Sam and Maddie? Is it a holiday that I don't know about? Well, Eddie leaves Sam in Miss Kitty's capable hands and the whole scene with her playing with Sam gave new meaning to the words, "gag inducing." What was this all about anyway? Were we supposed to think, "Oh gee, Miss Kitty would make such a good mommy because she can put a sock on her hand and pretend it's a puppet."
Adrian goes to see Opal and tell her that he feels a lot better now that he's talked to his father. His father has gone back to Alabama, and I have a feeling we won't be seeing again. Too bad too, I really liked his character. Suddenly Adrian accepts the whole situation, knows that everyone did their best, and knows that everyone loves him. The end. Opal hopes that he and Tad can have some kind of relationship and get to know each other. Adrian tells Opal that he decided to stay in Pine Valley for awhile, and he will let Tad know. Somehow, Adrian knows that Tad is at the hospital and goes there to talk to him. The two do not get along, and I have to wonder if AMC will pursue this... my guess is no.
Finally, we are at the big fund raiser that Erica is hosting for Teens Against Addiction. She's got on one hideously ugly dress. Well not completely hideous, but what was with that big flower on her hip? And I really don't think it could have been any tighter! We got to see some more of that terrific sparring between her and Brooke. This was our introduction to David's mother. There sure doesn't seem to be any love lost between these two. I think this is going to be good! And I loved the scene between Erica and David after he ran off without treating Vanessa when she looked like she was having a heart attack. Now, I'm all for a Dimmie/Erica reunion, but was it just me or were there some sparks between David and Erica? Hmmm.
So, who am I going to give the slap to? While I had a list of women this week who could all easily get that slap, I'm giving the I NEED TO BE SLAPPED award to a man (if you want to call him that) after all, Jackass. He stood there and kept telling Ryan to get up on his feet while he was practically dead with a 105 fever on the jail floor! Smooth move Jackass!
One other thing... I finally finished answering all my mail from when I left the AMC Pages. I had put them on a disk and misplaced it under a pile of stuff on my desk, so again, I'm so sorry to everyone who just got a reply that it took so long! If you wrote me then and never got a reply, the only reason I can think of is that your email address is not working, or you are not accepting any outside email. Thanks!!