The Pine Valley Bulletin

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Established 1998


February 21, 2000

I wonder whose idea Paolo was. Which one of AMC's brilliant writers came up with this cartoon character. I keep wondering if I've ever seen anything as ridiculous. I'm sure I have, but at the moment I can't seem to remember. For those of you who don't know, Leo was hired/blackmailed by Adam to seduce Marian and have Stuart walk in and find them, thus ending their marriage. Why? Because Adam is a hell of a swell guy. Leo, who wasn't up to the task of sleeping with someone as old as his mother, decided to hire his old smarmy buddy, Paolo. This guy is the cheesiest caricature of an Italian playboy that I have ever seen. You know, it's yet another little bit of AMC that is a total insult to anyone with an ounce of intelligence. First of all, Marian meets him in the Valley Inn bar and he knows her. He is looking for a house and knows she's a realtor. She doesn't ask how he knew that. And if that isn't bad enough, so some reason she takes him to WRCW and they look through home catalogs there. And as if that weren't bad enough, he tells her they have a deal and asks her to come to his hotel room at what seems like some late hour of the evening to get a check to pay her. In the real world, this wouldn't happen. The customer does not directly make out a check to their realtor. Mr. Diva was in this business for awhile and it never happened that way. And as I sat and watched Marian agree to go to this insult to Italians room I thought to myself, of course she won't wait in the lobby for him to bring down a check, she'll just go to his room. The only good thing about this whole idiotic mess is that it won't last long. The truth of what really happens will be found out by next week. I hope it's found out that Adam was behind it too. I'm really getting sick him getting away with everything. And, all that said, I'm going to give Paolo this weeks PERFORMER OF THE WEEK award, mainly because he plays this character without laughing his ass off. That must take a lot of restraint.

Ryan is now yet another person to know that Jake is not Colby's father. Adam directed him to the safe room to listen in as he and Liza talked about it. Now, Adam thinks that with this newfound information, Ryan will be able to stop Jake and Gillian's wedding. Ryan is truly disgusted with Adam and finally someone tells him that what he did was not an act of love. I'm glad someone finally said it!! Adam tells Ryan that he let him find out as payback for all he did for Hayley. Ryan calls him on that too, telling Adam that he's sick to use Ryan's friendship with his daughter. Ryan knows that Adam only does things that will help himself. Ryan seems to be the only one with any brains these days. Maybe he should give Liza a briefing on how not to believe anything Adam says.

In the meantime, Liza has told Jake that he cannot have Colby for the wedding. Jake wants to know why Liza can't find it in her heart to let Colby be with him on the most important day of his life. You know what Jake, bite me! He's gone out of his way to tell Liza that she will never get Colby without permission, after she's always been accommodating to him. He's stabbed her in the back, and when she fights back, he gets indignant. I'll say it again... bite me Jake!

Dixie decides that she will try to appeal to Liza and Adam, and heads over to the Chandler Mansion to discuss it with them. She talks to Adam first, who is not going to budge on this, until Liza walks in and suddenly he changes his mind and talks Liza into letting Jake have Colby for the wedding. Why? Because he's pretty sure of himself and thinks there won't be a wedding since Ryan knows that Jake is not the father.

Let's stop for a minute and discuss time in Pine Valley. The whole week was almost this one day. It's the night before the wedding... which means it's February 13. Eugenia has made Jake leave Gillian's room at midnight. As he is leaving, Ryan calls on the phone and wants to talk to her, but Eugenia won't let him. And all later than that, on the same night these other things happen... Scott and Becca get locked in the mall; Jake, Tad and Dixie are at the Valley Inn having a drink when Dixie decides to go over to Adam's and talk to them about Colby going to the wedding; Ryan sneaks into Gillian's room; Edmund and Alex recreate the scene at the mall when Alex turned into Wonder Woman; Dixie comes back to the Valley Inn, victorious; Tad, Dixie, and Jake head back to the Martin's, they toast the family then Tad, Jake and Joe head out for Jake's bachelor party; Jake, Tad and Joe celebrate at BJ's; Hayley and Mateo are at BJ's when Ryan arrives after being kicked out of Gillian's room; Ed goes back to the Hunting Lodge to talk to Alex. I guess nobody got to sleep that night. Details people!!! Pay attention! Sheesh, and just last week I said that AMC is starting to pay better attention to the little things. I guess I take that back.

So, let's back up to Ryan sneaking into Gillian's bedroom. It's probably about 1 am by now. When he called it was around midnight and we had to give him time to get there, climb up the trellis and sneak into her room. Gillian is shocked to see Ryan there and even more shocked when he tells her knows that Jake is not Colby's father. He tells her that Jake needs to know and that she's making a mistake by a) not telling him and 2) marrying him so he could get custody. Gillian tries to explain that Jake cannot know, and tells him that he is not going to be the one to tell him either. Ryan is really making the most sense, again, out of anyone and tells Gillian that when Jake does find out, she will lose everything. He urges her to tell him the truth and not start out their marriage in a lie. Gillian is confused and keeps hearing Tramplee telling her that Ryan said he loved her then ditched her the next morning. She tells Ryan that she has made up her mind and she is marrying Jake and she is not going to tell him. This is where this confrontation turns into our SCENE OF THE WEEK. Ryan declares his love for Gillian, he tells her that he's never stopped loving her, that he couldn't handle it before but he can now. And when he said the words, "It's always been you," well you all probably heard me sigh all over the world. But Gillian isn't budging and yells at him to leave her alone. Honestly I really don't blame her. She shouldn't just fall into Ryan's arms no matter how much I would like to see just that happen.

At the same time, about 1 am, over at the Martin's, they are all gathered around and toasting to the family. I guess that would be nice, but they've really become this annoying group of pompous people who think that being a "Martin" is the be all and end all of the universe. Get over yourselves! Ruth pulls Jake aside and tells him that he's worried that he is rushing into things and she's not totally convinced that Ryan is out of the picture. Jake assures her that he is very happy and so is Gillian. Just then, Tad and Joe grab Jake by the arms and take him out to have a bachelor party while Dixie and Ruth get things set up for the wedding.

Also about this time, Scott and Becca get locked into the mall. They think they are there overnight so they decide to make the best of it. Scott conveniently finds a boom box that someone left behind and he plays some soft music while he and Becca dance. Of course, a security guard happens upon them, and because he's such a swell guy and doesn't think they are in there to rob the place, he let's them finish their dance before he lets them out of the mall. Yeah right.

Now, it's around 2 am, and Eugenia heads down to the Hunting Lodge to find Edmund. Of course he's there, where else would he be at 2 am? He's with Alex trying to get her to wrestle with him under the pretense of recreating the mall incident. Eugenia tells him that she is hearing voices coming from Gillian's room and since she sent Jake away hours ago (remember that it was midnight when she did that?) that it's Ryan who is trying to confuse Gillian on the eve of her wedding. Edmund and Eugenia arrive at Gillian's room and Gillian rushes to Ed, telling him to get Ryan out of here. Ed ushers Ryan out while Eugenia comforts Gilly. After he sees Ryan out, Ed comes back to Gilly's room and tells her that no matter what she decides to do, he will support her and love her. It was sweet.

Now it's got to be around 3 am, and we are at BJ's. Janet, Brooke, Hayley and Mateo had all gone to see a movie ("The Talented Mr. Ripley" I think) and are discussing it. Janet is a little on edge, and gets to be even more so when Tiffany comes in with some dopey girls who very loudly discuss Janet from Another Planet and her killer husband. Janet goes over to their table and calls them on the stupid comments they are making behind her back and tells them to say it to her face. They of course back down. This was probably the most sane thing Janet has done for awhile, but of course, Brooke, Hayley and Mateo all think it's nuts that she did that. Yeah, standing up for yourself and your family is really nuts. Calling idiots on their behavior is really nuts. These people can't seem to distinguish crazy behavior from sane behavior. I guess we can just assume that anything Janet does from now on will be considered crazy behavior. After this incident, Janet and Brooke leave BJ's and head home. Just how long is Brooke going to live with Janet anyway?

At home, Brooke had some mail delivered to Janet's house from her office. Janet spots something that looks like Trevor's writing. I don't know how she could tell since it was printed and looked like a 6 year old wrote it. Janet rips open the letter and reads one line about how he can't wait to touch her and smell her neck again. That Trev, what a way with words. Janet jumps to the wrong conclusion, thinking the letter was meant from Brooke and accuses her of having an affair with Trevor. Brooke tells her to read more of the letter and when she does, it's very obvious that the letter was meant for her, not Brooke. Janet apologizes for freaking out, Brooke accepts and goes to bed. Mirror Janet has a little pep talk with Janet and tries to convince her that Brooke is after her family.

Let's see... is it about 4 am now? Ryan arrives at BJ's and in a totally un-Mateo like move, he tells Hayley that it looks like Ryan could use a friend and she should go talk to him while he goes and joins the bachelor party. Wow, he's just evolved from ape to caveman. Hayley talks to Ryan and tells him that Jake and Gillian love each other and he's just going to have to learn to live with it. Ryan isn't buying it. Just then, Jake comes over and tells Ryan that he will take care of Gillian from now on. Why Ryan didn't punch out his smug mug I'll never know. But since he didn't, I will... .Jake gets this weeks I NEED TO BE SLAPPED award.

And this concludes the night before the wedding!

It is now the morning of the wedding and we are at the Martin's. Hell it's probably about 5 am since I'm sure no one got to sleep that night. We have Tad, Dixie, Ruth, Joe, Adrian, Jake and for some weird unknown reason, Rae, all fussing and fixing up, getting ready for the wedding. Ruth is wondering just where Myrtle is since she was supposed to come and help out.

Well, it turns out that Myrtle hopped the first plane from Pine Valley to Elsa, IL that she could get on so she could go dig up the records on The Fannie Battle Home for Unwed Mothers. I bet that was a prestigious place to go when your knocked up. Myrt talks to the woman at the hall of records who really has no problem with Myrt looking at any records she wants to. Myrtle finds a file on herself and puts it in her purse. And in the meantime, at the Martin's, Brooke arrives and tells Rae that Fannie Battle ran a home for unwed mothers. Rae decides she needs to find out more about this place, and needs to find out NOW. So, she leaves and hops a plane from Pine Valley to Elsa, IL. She walks into the records room and, ta da! Finds Myrtle there. What a coinky dink. Myrtle tells her she went there to try and help her, and that she wanted to find her own records before Rae could.

Jake and Dixie show up at WRCW to pick up Colby for the wedding. Adam is shocked when he sees them, thinking that Ryan would have stopped the wedding. He flashes Ryan a look and very very reluctantly lets Jake take Colby from him. After Jake leaves, Adam confronts him about stopping the wedding. In yet another very smart move by Ryan, he tells Adam that he is not going to be the one to do his dirty work. Go Ryan!! After Ryan walks off, Liza asks Adam what is going on. He tells her that Ryan still loves Gillian and then gives a potential line of the week when, while referring to Gillian marrying Jake he says, "Why would Gillian want to marry that pasty faced dullard?" No kidding huh Adam?

So now we have Gillian getting ready for the wedding and the Martin's getting ready for the wedding. At Wildwind, Alex tells Gillian she will support her no matter what she decides to do... even if she's having second thoughts about marrying Jake. And at the Martin's, Kelsey phones Jake to congratulate him. Nice touch. Tramplee arrives at Wildwind to take photos of Gillian's wedding dress and while she's at it, continues to poison her mind against Ryan.

Next thing I know, the wedding has begun and Gillian is coming down the steps of the Martin home. She looks absolutely stunning, as usual. The dress is not the prettiest wedding dress I have ever seen and has one of those chest shelf thingies (like Alex's dress had at the Crystal Ball, know what I mean?) but Gillian can make a paper sack look good. As the vows get underway, Ryan bursts into the room. He says nothing, he and Gillian just stare at each other. She then turns to Jake and completes her vows. They are married. Ryan walks out and Tad follows him. Tad demands that Ryan apologize to his family and Ryan tells him that maybe he should take it up with Adam and leaves. Oh, Tad's curiosity is peaked. He walks back in just in time to see Jake and Gillian making out after the Rev gave the standard "You may now kiss the bride." Hey Jake, let her up for air huh?

As the party starts, Brooke is talking to Adrian and gives us this weeks LINE OF THE WEEK. She starts out by telling him, "You have witnessed a time-honored Pine Valley tradition." Adrian asks, "Oh? What's that?" And Brooke replies with the LINE, "Wedding interruptus." How true!

So, while Gillian dreams of Ryan as she and Jake are about to start their honeymoon, Tad decides it's time to confront Adam... again. As soon as Tad starts, Adam gets that victorious look on his face and thinks that Ryan had spilled. But alas, he has not, as Adam soon learns. But he and Tad have a rather entertaining showdown and Adam starts to answer all of the questions Tad throws at him. Unfortunately, Liza enters and puts a stop to it before Tad can find out what is going on. Tad leaves and Liza is pissed! She shows brief backbone when she tells Adam she is sick of his schemes and lies. Adam tells her that Jake needs to know the truth, but Liza isn't budging and tells him that she will never forgive him if Tad finds out. Of course, Tad is listening to all this.

Back in Elsa, Rae and Myrt find out that the doctor who delivered her baby was involved with the Fannie Battle home. The doc himself has since died, but his wife is still alive, so they head over to Elwinna Pendergast's home to talk to her. Elwinna is a crusty old dame who really doesn't want to give them any information. Although she does tell them that Doc did take money for the babies that those little sluts who went to the Home had. Oh yes, Elwinna was a piece of work all right. Nice gal. She kicked them out after the asked if he kept records of the babies he sold, but Elwinna's maid told them that he did keep records in a bible. The bible was in a desk that was auctioned off. Will that ever be found? Maybe...maybe not.

Meaningless Drivel of the Week... David gets ticked when Erica doesn't want his help in finding the missing Myrtle. These arguments are getting so old. Oh and a little more Drivel... Alex overhears David telling the Valley Inn bartender that she's a nutcase so she grabs him by the neck and threatens his life. Oh yeah, she's stable.

This week's AMC gets a C- I'm actually seeing some improvement. I can't wait to see Jake get told the truth, but for a whole different reason than before. Before I wanted to see it so I could feel sorry for him. Now, I don't feel sorry for him at all and can't wait to see him brought down to size! I like this Rae/Myrt thing. Now, you probably all know how sick I am of the "long lost" stories, but this time, it's really nice to see Myrt getting some family of her own, if Rae does turn out to be her daughter, which I think she will. I've been loving the Ryan/Gillian stuff, and I hope to see her go to Ryan when Jake rejects her after he finds out about Colby and realizes she knew.