The Pine Valley Bulletin

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You know, AMC should have hired me as a DJ for the Mardi Gras Ball. That weird disco fusion whatever they were playing that people were trying to dance and twirl to was really pretty odd. Could anyone keep time to that? It didn't seem like it. Now my tunes would have gotten that party going!!! But alas, they didn't ask me. So I'll just have to play my own tunes while we discuss the week of February 13, 2006 on AMC. Starting off with the Red Hot Chili Peppers Freaky Styley, followed by Iggy Pop American Caesar, then we have Billy Idol Devil's Playground (if you're an old school Billy Idol fan and have not picked up this one, his latest CD, run and get it NOW!!!), then we have Perry Farrell Rev, and finishing things off is Rancid with Let's Go. And isn't that a perfect segue! Let's go!!!

The party is in full swing. If you've been reading the PVB for awhile, you know there is one thing I always say and that is that AMC does two things very well... lavish parties and disasters. This week it was a double whammy and we got both! We pick up the action in the middle of a lot of situations. We have Dixie slinking around the ball eavesdropping on all her loved ones. What's interesting to me is that a little eye mask is enough camouflage. Sure the hair is different and they aren't exactly looking to see Dixie. But an eye mask is certainly not a disguise and she should have easily been spotted. I find that a bit annoying. But that's besides the point. While she's spying on everyone she hears Adam berating Di for impersonating her, and then Tad coming to Di's rescue. It's a bit of a shocker for her. Let that be a lesson to you wench, when you eavesdrop on people, be prepared to hear some things you may not like. I think most people know I'm no Dixie fan. In fact, I wish she had just stayed dead. But since she didn't, I hope I don't have to live through yet another Tad/Dixie redux and that instead Tad chooses Di over her. I hope her family hates her for leaving them and brings her down off the pedestal they put her on. And I hope that if her baby survived and it was David's, not Tad's.

Elsewhere in the room we have Jack and Ryan actually agreeing on the fact that Jonathan should not be dating Lily. Did you ever think it would be possible that these two men would see eye to eye on anything? I didn't. But it makes sense even though their reasons are completely different. Ryan believes that Jonathan is too experienced and has been through too much to be with a girl (and I emphasize the word GIRL here) as sweet and naive as Lily. He also wants Jonathan to work at getting himself completely better before he commits himself to a relationship. Ryan makes sense. I know many think she is too young for Jonathan, but they made a point of saying that Lily is almost 18 and I would guess Jonathan is somewhere in his mid to late 20's. So I'm not really going to go there. It's a non issue as far as I'm concerned. But for Jack, it is definitely an issue for him. It's also an issue that Jonathan is a murderer and tried to kill Lily not that long ago (ding ding ding!!!! there is the biggest issue I have with them). Jack makes sense too. I totally get both Ryan and Jack's objections. And I'm not sold on this pairing myself. But I do enjoy the friendship they have forged. I love how sweet and caring Jonathan is with Lily. How concerned about her he always is and how considerate. And I really loved the dance they had without touching. That was probably one of the sweetest moments I have seen in a long time. But after hearing all of Jack and Ryan's arguments as to why they should not be together, Jonathan finally agrees and tries to let Lily down easily by telling her that he has to get better himself before he can be with her. Lily doesn't really understand why any of this means they cannot see each other.

Josh is tripping over himself trying to kiss Erica's ass after Greg had given her a tape of Josh badmouthing her. Erica doesn't know what the hell is going on because not only has her trusted producer been setting her up to take a fall, she's also been told by Tad that Josh is her son. Excuse me? Get this... Tad has found out that Josh is the actually the baby that Erica aborted (or so she thought) in 1973 when she was married to Jeff Martin. Erica did remember that Greg was her doctor when she had the alleged abortion. And now Tad has pieced together that she never had the abortion, instead Greg stole her fetus, implanted it into his wife and they raised Josh as their own miracle child. Um... yeah right! Genius doctor or not, I'm not buying this at all. Not only is completely implausible and impossible, especially back in 1973, but it's really sickening, it ruins history (Erica's was the first legal abortion in daytime history) and it desecrates the legacy of Kane women. I hate it. I loathe it. And a quite honestly, it smacks of an agenda to me. What next? Is Julia going to have a baby out there somewhere too?

And on the other side of the ballroom, JR has decided the pre-nup isn't worth losing Babe (does everyone believe he's completely sincere? I don't). Babe now has decided that she will give him her own pre-nup (which was certainly more fair than his, but still a stupid move to play). JR refuses to sign and for the 86th time in the last two days, they have become engaged and broken up. zzzzzzz

Janet has drugged her beloved Amanda so that she can blow up the Ball. She's doing it all for Amanda, all to teach the people who have wronged her little girl a valuable lesson. Jamie realizes something is up and searches for Amanda, to no avail. Amanda though, has come to and asks her mother what is going on. Janet evades her questions enough for Amanda to realize something big is going to happen. Amanda rushes out past a screaming Janet and finds Jamie at the Ball. She urgently tells him that they have to get everyone out of the mansion but that is all she can get out. The room suddenly explodes into a big ball of yellow and orange flames. WOW! SCENE OF THE WEEK goes to the amazing explosion scenes, the slow motion affect of everyone screaming and in shock, the music playing as everyone scrambles for safety. It was absolutely riveting. And outside, Janet is blown backwards but not hurt. Fearing she lost Amanda in the blast, Janet blames them all for this and declares to no one in particular,"look what you made me do!" Delusion thy name is Janet.

Tad is the first to regain consciousness and utters this weeks very chilling and frightening LINE OF THE WEEK when he brushes himself off, stands up, looks around and says, "My God. Is anyone alive?" And one by one, others start to come to and lift themselves from the rubble. Jack frantically looks for Reggie and Lily (oddly enough, he didn't seem the least bit concerned about Erica). JR looks for Babe, or as he called her, the mother of his child. And as the survivors begin to search for their loved ones, Julia tells Tad that they need to hurry and get everyone out because she could still smell the gas leaking and they could end up blowing up again.

Jamie finds himself next to Amanda and realizes she knew something was going to happen. Did you figure that out all on your own Jamie? What was your first clue? Maybe it was Amanda telling you they had to get everyone out? He asks her if Janet did it, but Amanda continues to cover for her psycho mother.

Joe, who wasn't at the Ball, arrives with the paramedics and helps Anita, Julia and Greg tend to the wounded.

What's interesting, if you want to call it that, I call it contrived, are the dynamics of who ends up trapped together. Starting with Josh and Erica. Erica is befuddled to find that Josh may be her son. Josh starts talking about ratings and how regular programming was probably interrupted to cover the explosion. Josh starts foaming at the mouth at the publicity he will get for surviving. Erica is sickened by his lack of concern or compassion. But at the same time, his determination for stardom reminds her of herself. But Josh isn't all bad. He comes immediately to Erica's aid when he realizes she's been hurt. Erica however, doesn't want him anywhere near her. It's nice to see this guy has a heart, because I was really beginning to wonder. With his medical background, Josh was able to determine that Erica may have a collapsed lung. He wants to insert a straw into her chest so she could breathe better, but she's not really up for Josh performing any kind of procedure on her. When she passes out though, she has no choice and Josh takes action. They are soon pulled from the rubble and Josh explains what is needed to the paramedics. Joe looks on with pride, because you know, if this sickening tale is really true, then that makes Josh a Martin as well as a Kane.

Jonathan is trapped with Lily and when he regains consciousness he finds that Lily is a completely different person! That was some powerful explosion! Jonathan found that Lily was rocking and counting, the two things she does when she is upset. Now it was up to Jonathan to prove that he can calm her down in a difficult situation. She is bleeding and sees red on her arm, so Jonathan tries to get her to think of purple tulips. That didn't really work so well and instead Lily starts to relive being in the cave when it exploded. My but this young girl has been in a lot of precarious situations hasn't she!? Jonathan tries to get her to remember their dance at the Ball and Lily does start to calm down then and the two talk. But things get really strange really fast when Lily decides that if her father is going to make her leave home for her special school again, she will run away and declares that she is almost 18. I can't for the life of me figure out when this happened, but that's besides the point. Jonathan is concerned that if Lily runs away he will never see her again so he suggests that they run away together and get married. Say huh!? That makes no sense at all, and thankfully Lily is a bit smarter than Jonathan. She's not really sold on this idea considering married people have sex and she certainly doesn't want to go there. But hold onto your hats folks, here come the heebies! Lily asks Jonathan if he could teach her how to like sex because normal people like sex and she wants to be normal. OMG, I can't take it!!! Please make it stop!!! Thankfully it does, Lily is back in the realm of reality and tells Jonathan that she does not love him. Phew. Then a touch of sweetness when Jonathan tells Lily that he loves her for helping him, and for seeing something in him that no one else can. Her giving him a chance makes him want to be a better person. I'm all over the map with these two, I know. They went from sweet, to sick, and back to sweet. And just to round it all off, the PERFORMER OF THE WEEK award goes to Lily this week. Kudos to Portia Reiners who came in as a temporary replacement for Leven Rambin who is down with mono. This is not an easy role to fill especially when the original is so well liked. She did a very commendable job! Good for you!

In another hole in the rubble we have Ryan and Kendall. Kendall is devastated after finding out that Zach caused the blackout which in turn led her to inseminate herself. Let's just get this out of the way, what Zach did is very very wrong. He told Kendall that he supported her decision to carry Ryan and Greenlee's baby but that wasn't true at all. He lied and then took matters into his own hands to ensure that she wouldn't do it. What he didn't bank on was how far Kendall's devotion to Greenlee went. But Zach did what he did for Kendall, because he loves her. Taking away her choice isn't exactly the best way to show that love, but that is what he did. Kendall of all people should understand his motives. Kendall screamed and cried to Greenlee that she did what she did because she loves her, and Greenlee did not believe her. Now Kendall is doing the exact same thing to Zach. Don't get me wrong, I think what Zach did is terrible. It wasn't his call. But using her own egg is all on Kendall. It was her decision, one she made without checking with Greenlee. One she thought she could keep a secret forever, just as Zach thought he could keep his secret forever too. Now Kendall wants nothing more to do with him. So why is she yelling out for Zach then when she finds she's trapped under the rubble?

Realizing she's stuck with Ryan, she immediately launches into an attack on him about how he just had to be right, how he had to find out the goods on Zach and ruin her life. Um, no Kendall, YOU ruined your life. I don't think she'll ever get that though. Ryan, for his part, owns up to his mistakes, especially playing dead. He tells her that he told her about Zach's lie to make up for his own. It certainly was nice to hear Ryan own up to his misdeeds, of which there have been many. And while Kendall berates Ryan for letting them believe he was dead and being responsible for Greenlee leaving, the baby kicks for the very first time. It was almost as if the baby were saying, "would you two shut the hell up already!?" Kendall and Ryan bond over the absolute reality of the baby she is carrying. They are both still so at a loss as to what to do when the baby is actually born. Kendall then makes the stupidest suggestion I have ever heard when she asks Ryan if they should try again with each other. Thankfully Ryan knows Kendall is saying it out of frustration at Zach and wanting to get back at him. Kendall, how about a new plan. You got back at Ethan by marrying Zach. Let's try something else huh? Ryan assures Kendall that he will be there for her though, no matter what they decide to do about the baby.

Trapped alone, Dixie listens as Tad tries to save people. She flashes back to good and bad memories with Tad, with Palmer and with David. But instead of calling out for help, she instead remains trapped so that he won't see her. Yeah, she squeaked out a few "helps" and a few "Tad's" but never above a whisper. This made a whole lot of sense huh? You're trapped, you could die but there are people nearby who can save you. Instead of calling out to them, you stay hidden so they can think you're still dead? What a moron. Lucky for her, she was able to dig herself out without anyone being the wiser. How? Who the heck knows. But get this, Tad had a feeling someone was trapped in the very spot she was and when he finally was able to dig out the spot, she was gone. Just her mask was left behind. But Tad recognized the mask as hers.... the woman who, when it was time for everyone to put their masks down, she was the one who wouldn't remove it. So Tad did see her, and recognized her mask enough to know she was the woman who wouldn't remove hers, but he didn't recognize she was Dixie!? Give me a break!

And how about this dynamic, Palmer is trapped with David "I'm a world renowned cardiologist" Hayward. Palmer is having heart palpitations and cannot find his nitro pills. Wouldn't you know, David found them and is holding onto them. Clutching his heart and breathing heavily, Palmer wants his pills, but David is in no big hurry to return them to Palmer. You see, David is nothing if not an opportunist and heck, he'd be happy to give Palmer his pills back in exchange for Palmer getting his world renowned cardiologist license back. Palmer tells him to forget it, he's not going to be bribed. But the pain in his chest keeps getting worse and David ups the ante. Not only does he want his world renowned cardiologist license back, but he also wants to be reinstated at Pine Valley Hospital. Once Palmer finally agrees to David's demands, David still doesn't hand over the pills and instead makes Palmer swear on a stack of Dixie's that he will not renege on his promise. Palmer agrees, and David saves his life because heck, that's what David does... he saves lives dammit! David gets this weeks I NEED TO BE SLAPPED award. I'm glad he's not going to be pushing around a mop anymore, but sheesh!

Random comments:

Julia and Anita were at the same Ball and hardly spoke to one another. Why is it that after 9 years in the WPP, Julia, who wanted nothing more than to have her life back, has not spent a minute of time with anyone in her family?

The explosion aftermath turned out some interesting interactions. Opal and Erin bonded over their missing loved ones. Josh and Joe bonded over treating the injured. In fact, I thought the scenes they had together were some of the best of the week.

While looking for Lily, Jack has been injured and is rushed to the hospital.

Aidan works tirelessly to find more of the injured. He promises Reggie he'll find Lily, Kendall and Erica. Later promises Erin he'll find Ryan and Jonathan. He's such a good guy.

Unfortunately for Babe, she is trapped alone and found by none other than Janet from Another Planet!

 

In another hole, we find Ethan, Simone and Zach. Ethan tries to keep Simone calm while trying to find a way to get them out. They, of course, assume Zach caused the explosion. I wonder if Ethan's middle name is ZachDidIt. While trying to dig his way out, a load of debris falls onto Ethan and he is seriously hurt. Zach tries to help, but Simone won't let him touch Ethan. And even in this dire situation, Ethan holds onto his hate and tells Zach he wants nothing to do with him. Zach, for his part, really wants to make things right and tells Ethan that he loves him and apologizes for all he has done, owning up to his mistakes. I think nothing would make Simone happier than these two men burying the hatchet, but Ethan will not budge. Things go from bad to worse for Ethan when Simone discovers how cold he is and he starts to babble about seeing his mother. Simone plays along and tells Ethan's mother about their wedding and how much she loves him. Wasn't she just the sweetest? Simone makes me weep. Knowing things do not look good for Ethan and with a tear in his eye, Zach asks for his forgiveness. But Ethan will not forgive him. So you know what I have to say to that? GO INTO THE LIGHT ETHAN!!! GO INTO THE LIGHT!!!

Trapped together, Adam and Krystal decide to make the most of their interesting position (she is lying on top of him) and make love in the ruins. It's a little weird, and looks like an impossible feat, but I enjoy these two so much so why not. At least someone was enjoying themselves. But unfortunately, soon after their horizontal cha cha, Krystal loses consciousness. That Adam! A woman passes out after making love to him? He sure must have something going on! No wonder he's been married so many times. But things don't look so good for Krystal once they get to the hospital. While trying to find out information about her condition, Adam is told that Krystal has died. Visibly stricken, Adam goes to see her body and tells her how much he's enjoyed her, even if she is infuriating. Under the sheet, a very alive Krystal tells Adam she had fun too. Hmm... what imbecile doctor declared someone dead who is alive... must have been Jamie.

Before I end I have one more comment to make... OMG did you get a load of Adam's chest and abs when his shirt was torn and open? Good God he looked amazing!!! I bet he is in better shape than some of the much younger men on the show. So now I make this appeal to AMC, more shirtless Adam scenes please!!!

This weeks AMC gets a B-!! Good stuff... beautiful costumes, beautiful setting, great explosion, interesting aftermath. I'm willing to overlook how contrived the trappings were. But I'm not willing to overlook the stupidity of no one noticing Dixie, the horror of Josh being Erica's abortion, and Jonathan wanting to marry Lily.