The Pine Valley Bulletin

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Established 1998


February 18, 2003

There is certainly a lot to discuss...the good and the bad. So let's get to it. But first, my music of choice for this writing. As you know, I use my trusty five cd changer for Editorializing. Today, in honor of Joe Strummer, who passed away recently and will soon be inducted into the Rock & Roll Hall of Fame with his band The Clash, I've got The Clash's title album, then "Burning London" a tribute to the Clash, the very much Clash influenced Rancid with "...And Out Come the Wolves," sticking with the ska/punk theme, next is The Mighty Mighty Bosstones with "Don't Know How to Party" and lastly, a perky little ska band, Save Ferris with, "It Means Everything."

I would like to start out by saying, I love Simone. I think she's hot, fun, I love her smoldering voice and is way underused by AMC. That said, I absolutely hate the giggling nympho she has become. Every guy she sees she seems to want to jump in the sack with. She wants flirt time allowed in her work day. She is constantly making eyes at hunky Carlos the maintenance man (ok, I'll give her that one... who wouldn't stare at that man!) and also practically threw herself at Kenny Adler, uh... the first one, at the police station when she was arrested. And can we talk about this belt she is always wearing? I know belts like that are the big thing right now, but hers just looks too big and bulky. I'm telling you, hang a plant off that thing and be done with it!

Now, can we please give Simone a real romance? She had a sordid affair with smarmy Roger Smythe. She had the start of something great with Frank before AMC decided to trash it before it began. She needs something real. And speaking of real, what has happened to her father? Three actors later, and he's been nowhere to be seen. This was a complex relationship that hasn't nearly been delved into enough. Just because they dropped the Frank story does not mean that Zeke should be out of the picture. I want to see why he seems to have so much animosity towards Simone. I'd like to know where her mother is. I like this girl, give her more to do! Tad's not doing anything or anyone for that matter, and they know each other... hello? Anyone listening over at AMC? I know Tad was part of "Beat Simone up" day (remember that day, when everyone in Pine Valley seemed to be ragging on her for some reason or another?), but that's in the past, I'm sure they're both over it by now.

One day, while taking a break from ogling the help, Simone actually did some work and found out that Kendall's dream man, Michael Kinsey is really bazillionaire mogul Michael Cambias. He's one those Richard Gere from "Pretty Woman" types. He buys up companies and either takes them over or sells them in pieces. Greenlee thinks that he's wining and dining Kendall because he wants Fusion. As Tad would say, "what fun it is to laugh." Get real Greens, you don't even have a product (well, other than the cauldron of lipstick they cooked up as they all hovered over it reciting incantations)! My immediate thought was that he was after Kendall to get to Erica, and to take over Enchantment.

But Greenlee is too consumed with her own "star" and how whatever she touches turns to gold, so she's absolutely sure that Michael knows that and wants her meager little company. She races over to the Valley Inn where Kendall is having dinner with Michael. I find this guy so creepy and can't for the life of me figure out what Kendall sees in him other than his wallet. Anyway, Greenlee bursts in and proceeds to burst Kendall's bubble. Kendall is devastated and after a big old slap in his face, she sends Greenlee away so she could talk to Michael on her own. Michael, of course, covers his tracks by saying he wanted her to like him for himself, not his money. Michael honey, if that were the case, why did you whisk Kendall off in your private helicopter to a fancy dinner in NYC? Kendall pretty much asks the same question, but he gives her some excuse. She then goes into her boo hoo story about being adopted and lied to about who she is her whole life and who her parents are. He sympathizes with her and apologizes profusely. She accepts and they resume their mating dance. All the while, Lena is listening to everything.

Lena reports back to Erica that Michael Cambias is wining and dining her daughter and must be after something. Erica agrees, after all, why would anyone be interested in Kendall for Kendall? They decide they need to keep an eye on Kendall, but Erica decides she's going to keep her eye on Michael and heads over to the airport to surprise him. When he steps onto his private jet, Erica is waiting for him. Erica seems to realize that he's going after Kendall to get to Enchantment, even if Kendall and Greenlee don't. It seems that Michael's father has tried to take over Enchantment several times. I'm not sure what they accomplished with this meeting, other than Erica making it clear that his father never got his hands on Enchantment and neither would he.

Backtracking a little... Erica did the down and dirty with Jack. Why? Because Lily was sick. Really. That's the reason. Jack was upset, and Erica comforted him the only way she knows how, with a bootie call. Now she's feeling guilty for cheating on Chris. So now, Chris has come to Enchantment to see her and she tries to get Val to send him away. Erica should know better than to think that would work. Chris bursts in and demands to know why Erica would try and have him sent away. He's feeling neglected and wants more attention from his fiancee. Hey Chris, maybe you should talk to Jake.. he has a sure fire way to relieve the loneliness when your betrothed is too engrossed in work. But instead of sinking to that level, Chris instead suggests she drop everything and run off with him to a Mediterranean Cruise for a month or some such nonsense. Why are these men so insecure with a woman who actually makes her own money and has a career? Why do they think that, when they are at their busiest, that they will just run off for an indeterminate amount of time just because the man wants to. Chris is completely unreasonable about this, and pouts when Erica tells him there is no way she can get away right now. Jack arrives in the middle of the latest Chris and Erica argument, so Chris leaves in a huff.

Jack apologizes to Erica for letting things go so far, but Erica isn't sorry at all. She tells Jack he did not take advantage of her and she has no regrets. But Jack is convinced that she's trying to sabotage her own happiness. And Jack should know. Mike Roy rose from the ashes (literally!) to be there for her when she wanted to sabotage her happiness with Jack in the same way. Erica is not at all interested in hearing his assessment of her actions and winds up and gives him the slap heard round the world! Jack tells Erica that she is stuck with him in her life, but that their tryst was only a moment of weakness and it won't happen again. He tells her that he cannot be used, but I have to say, I think he can be.

At the hospital, Anna has returned to Pine Valley with Dr. Hoffman in tow, so they could do the surgery there and she isn't alone. But suddenly Dr. Hoffman suffers a stroke and is admitted to the hospital himself. Time is running out and the baby needs immediate surgery in utero. There is no one else to do it but David. So, now David must perform a miracle and do a surgery he's never done on his own wife and child. No problem, Dr. David "I Save Lives" Hayward is used to performing miracles. David goes to the chapel first to ask God for some help then heads to the operating room where he, Jake, Janelle and a few others all start work on repairing the babies heart with a video feed by a neo-natal doctor in Boston who has done the surgery before.

Out in the hall, Jack runs into Maggie and asks how Anna is. Did he really call her Mags? Isn't that a little familiar? I didn't think they even knew each other really. At any rate, they talk, Jack listens and tells her that David would never let anything happen to Anna and the baby. Later Trey arrives and is really peeved that she didn't call him and let him know the surgery was happening. It's very clear that it's a tense situation and Maggie is very much on edge. It makes me wonder just where the heck her best friend Bianca is to help her through this. Why wasn't she there for her? I guess maybe Maggie didn't call her either, but I hope this isn't a sign of how things are going to be. No romance = no more friendship? I would hate to see that happen. It shouldn't be an all or nothing situation.

Things get very tense in the operating room as they lose the video feed and Anna's heart rate and blood pressure drop. Jake urges David to stop the procedure before it's too late and both Anna and the baby die. But David will have none of that. He's out to perform a miracle and doggone it, he's going to perform one! David risks everything meaning both of their lives. When the surgery is over, Anna is not doing well, so David asks everyone to leave the room while he talks to unconscious Anna. He tells her to fight for them and for the baby. Suddenly in a purely cheesy and contrived moment, all is well and all vital signs restore to normal. Everyone is going to be fine. Janelle goes out to deliver the news to Trey and Maggie and makes this really scary, "David is like a God" speech to them (which earns this weeks LEO DUPRES COMMEMORATIVE PASS THE HANDBAG MOMENT), while David goes to the chapel and actually thanks God for the assistance in the operating room.

I have to give AMC a big thumbs up for the remote shoot in the Bahamas. It's such a nice diversion from the sets we always see. Upon arriving at the Paradise Island resort, Aidan and Maria are greeted by Aidan's friend, Kingman who set everything up for them.... names, honeymoon suite and even clothes. Maria can thank Kingman later for getting her the skimpiest bathing suits available!

Here they are, in the Bahama's to kill Julian who has been after Aidan, trying to kill him. Aidan had an affair with Julian's wife, Fiona, and then framed Aidan for her murder. Aidan has decided to kill Julian before Julian can kill him. So with murder on his mind and taking Maria along for the ride, they proceed to dance, party, walk the beach and do everything but keep a low profile until they figure out where Julian is hiding out. Their romance begins to unfold in front of a Chris Isaac soundtrack. Part of me wants to slam this for being so incredibly stupid that they are frolicking around and playing on water slides, dancing and having so much fun, while they are there to murder someone. But another part of me was so sucked into the magic of the island remote and I just have to say it, I like Aidan and Maria together. I like her with Aidan much more than I like her with Edmund.

And speaking of Edmund, he's gotten drunk and has sought out Brooke's comfort once again. Why else would he have passed out in her office? I wish I could say that Brooke has better things to do than listen to Edmund once again boo hooing about Maria and how different she is, but unfortunately she doesn't. So she tends to Edmund and listens to his rambling on and on about how he wishes she had never found Maria and how happy they would be. Why don't you just kick the poor woman you insensitive creep! I'm giving this weeks DCM COMMEMORATIVE SLAP AWARD, to Edmund. Not only is he insensitive to Brooke and her feelings about all that has happened, but he always wants what he wants when he wants it, so waiting for Maria, helping her regain her memory and her life was just taking too long so he opted to drug her. Losing her this time Eddie Boy, is your own damn fault.

So while Aidan and Maria are partying down in the Bahamas, they don't get the news that Aidan has been cleared in Fiona's murder and is no longer a wanted man. Kingman tells them that he spotted Morgan Gordan at the bar, which means Julian should be there too. Aidan tells Kingman to take Maria back to the suite and keep an eye on her, while he goes off searching for Julian. Bad move Aidan. Julian and Morgan are in the suite waiting and hold a gun on Kingman and Maria. Julian tells Morgan to keep Kingman hostage while he takes Maria elsewhere and grabs her.. copping a feel in the process of dragging her out. As Mr. Diva said, "can you blame him?" Julian hooks Maria up to a bomb on the beach and leaves her there to wait for Aidan or blow up herself, whichever comes first. Aidan saves the day by knocking out the guy who is guarding Maria and dismantles the bomb with this Swiss army knife... a true MacGyver moment if ever there was one! And then they run.

Julian comes back to find Maria gone and the guard he hired just coming to. He's pissed and heads back to the suite to see if Kingman knows anything. He's still tied up and playing chess with Morgan, who takes her chess set to every hostage situation. Julian is annoyed that they got away so he kills poor Kingman. That was to demonstrate to us that, even though Julian looks like a pipsqueak who couldn't hurt a fly, he's really a dangerous man. I think we knew that by the way he killed Fiona and framed Aidan. But whatever.

Back in Pine Valley, Chris actually did some detective work instead of mooning over Erica. It only took him how many days to find out that the authority from Scotland Yard that came looking for Aidan was really Julian Sinclair, the man who's wife was murdered? And that Morgan was his accomplice. Wow, I've said it before but I have to say it again...that is some keen detective work Chris. I can't imagine why the FBI ever wanted to let you go.

That brings us to Lysistrata and her approach to helping Greenlee through her grief. I have liked this character, she is quirky and fun in that Tiffany from the Glamorama kind of way. I think her voice is really interesting and I think it's great to see someone who actually makes some headway with these majorly screwed up characters. I could have done without seeing Liza tie Adam to the bed, but that's besides the point. I think Lysistrata has some good ideas, and some bad ones. I don't like how she finds it so wonderful whenever a man (first Trey, then Carlos) touches Greenlee. Both were inappropriate (although Carlos was really only trying to help). But the way she forces Greenlee to look at herself and her behavior is really interesting. I don't like how it's acted out like a joke a lot of the time though. Edmund's grief wasn't a joke and neither was Tad's. But with that said, I don't want to see Greenlee grieve the way either of them did... on the back burner. Lysistrata forces Greenlee to go back to the waterfall, face her fears and realize that she couldn't save Leo. She wants Greenlee to take control of her life. So while the tactics are unorthodox, her advice to Greenlee is really good... "Live."

And that brings us to Fan February's Fantasy episode. This was supposed to be viewers fantasy scenes. Let me get this right out of the way, I thought the show was OK. It had it's moments, but for the most part I didn't think it was so great. It did tell me one very important thing though and I hope that TPTB got the message I did... The fans want to see the veterans. I was disappointed that Palmer, Phoebe, and Marian weren't in it. But we did get to see Opal, Myrtle, Tad, and Joe quite prominently, which was wonderful. In fact, this weeks PERFORMER OF THE WEEK goes to Tad Martin. I think my favorite part of the whole episode was the little "Tad the Cad" song that kept playing in the background. What we have going on here is that Tad is marrying Erica, but a bunch of women of PV can't get enough of him and keep coming to his room. So do you think that a bunch of people wrote in to AMC asking to see a resurgence of Tad the Cad? Or did a bunch of men write in and ask to see a bunch of women in their bras and panties?

I think my least favorite part of this episode was the mail room scenes. If the actors were in that mail room as themselves, I think it would have made a lot more sense. But they were in a mail room as Tad, Jack, Chris, Edmund, Aidan and David. It didn't make sense at all. Why is Tad getting viewer mail? Why is Tad talking about viewers? Michael E. Knight talking about viewers and what they want would have made a lot more sense. But he was in character and it was weird and awkward. And before you write and tell me they are the same person, it's not exactly true. One is an actor and one is a character. The characters of Pine Valley are supposed to be people, they don't get fan mail, the actors who portray them do. I understand that some people don't see the difference, but there is a huge one.

There were some great lines, some funny scenes and a lot of over the top acting. I have a hard time believing though, that this is what the fans wanted. They wanted a big brawl at a wedding? When doesn't that happen on AMC? The fans wanted to see Edmund lose his memory after Maria regains hers? Really? They do? The fans want to see that Joe and Erica have a child together? Come on! The fans wanted to see Bianca and Kendall have role reversal and Kendall is Erica's favorite daughter, Bianca is the black sheep? Well.. maybe, yeah I can believe that. I think that if this is the best that AMC can do for February sweeps, the show is in some serious trouble. But that said, the LINE OF THE WEEK is from this show, when Jack asks Tad if the writers decide what scenes get to be shown and Tad says, "Don't be a schmend, since when do the writers got anything to say about what happens on this show?" That was a great one! And I'm even giving the SCENE OF THE WEEK to a scene from this show... when Tad was walking out of the brawl his wedding to Erica has become and Myrtle sneaks up behind him and gooses him!

And while I'm not a fan of Tad and Liza in a relationship other than friendship, to me, that last scene had a definite feel of foreshadowing. Could AMC be going down that tired road again!? Ugh.

Oh, and one more thing... Erica looked absolutely stunning. The hair, the dress and she wasn't overly made up. She makes one gorgeous bride!

You may be saying to yourself... wow, she didn't like this show and she gave most of her awards out to it, so she must have actually liked it more than she's admitting. Well no, that's not really true. The sad fact is, that even as bad as I thought the Fan Fantasy show was, it still, without a doubt, had the best lines. It showcased Michael E. Knight who has been sorely lacking on AMC of late and is greatly missed. And it gave valuable airtime to a lot of the veterans we don't get to see nearly enough. And even with all those things, I didn't think it was great. Mainly because it was a joke. What a shame that this was the only way they can come up with airtime for these great actors and actresses.

This weeks AMC gets a D. I'm still hoping for improvement... but I've yet to see any real strides towards it.