The Pine Valley Bulletin

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Established 1998


February 14, 2000

I sit here, staring at my computer screen and wondering just what the heck I'm going to talk about. Last week's shows were such a total snore. Of course, now that I've said that, I'll probably end up going on for pages and pages of text, like always.

I guess we can start with everyone in the stairwell at the hospital watching Alex have a breakdown. In front of David, Erica and Edmund - Defender of Psychos, Alex admitted to killing Geoffrey. Edmund is so on my nerves with all this. He's everywhere, at any given time. He constantly defends Alex the Loon, gets in David's face for pointing out that Alex murdered someone, and just in general is so annoying with his constant.. "I'll help you no matter what" rigmarole. He's everywhere Alex is. Doesn't he ever work at Tempo anymore? He even did his research on Geoffrey Ashford on Alex's computer in her office. Excuse me Ed, but you have an office. Maybe you should go to it sometime in this millennium.

So, because Alex headed back to the Hunting Lodge, where do you suppose we find Edmund? At the Hunting Lodge, questioning Alex about Geoffrey. Well she remembers killing the guy, but she doesn't remember who he is, why she killed him or what he is to her. You know what... I don't really care. I don't care who any of these insignificant people are. And I resent the fact that characters like Dimitri, Tim, Trevor... and any day now, Janet and Amanda, are sacrificed for this twaddle. Those are characters I cared about. I don't give one flying uh... fig, yeah fig, about Geoffrey Ashford killing his daughter, who was a childhood friend of Alex's. Is there a reason I should care about this? I can't find one. But what else have I got to talk about. So... Edmund looks up info on Geoffrey online and before he's blocked out with a big huge "ACCESS DENIED" message, he finds out that Geoffrey was a diplomat and had a daughter named Cassandra, and also had a son I think.. I don't know, I wasn't paying attention. So, when Edmund mentions Cassandra, Alex the Screaming Fainting Wonder, screams and faints. So Ed urges Alex to undergo hypnosis again. They call Rae, who is embroiled in her own trauma but always seems to drop it all to run to the aid of Psycho Alex. Rae arrives and Psycho tells her she killed a man. Rae, who is completely unfazed by this revelation, tells her she must have had a good reason for it. Whatever.

Under hypnosis, Alex remembers that she saw a drunken Geoffrey kill his daughter. Once Alex is back in the waking world, she thinks the mystery is solved. Investigative Journalist, Edmund, who is on hiatus to save another woman from herself, doesn't think this is the end of the story. Alex is ready to drop it all until, at the mall, a crazed gunman grabs Alex and holds a gun to her head. We were treated to a slow motion account of Alex subduing the criminal with martial arts. Funny, the guy held onto his gun the whole time and just watched as she kicked and karate chopped him. But since he did shoot that gun seven times he had negative one bullet left, so I guess he couldn't shoot Alex even if he wanted to. The funny part is, that Alex, who screams, faints, cries and runs from the room, whenever David looks at her sideways, was able to subdue the thug without even breaking a nail. And when Edmund asks her where she learned the skill of overpowering thugs, she had no idea. So... back to square one: Who is Alex, what's her story, and who really cares. Not I. *yawn*

Leo stole Palmer's will. Have you noticed how AMC has really started to pay attention to little details? For example, I was watching this scene with Leo and Nessie when he gives her PC's will. I'm thinking... isn't PC going to notice that his will is missing? Well, no sooner did I think that when Leo mentioned that he copied the will and put the original back. Watching those little things is a big step in the right direction in my book. Oh... so Nessie was peeved that she wasn't mentioned at all in the will and is now plotting to get herself in it. *yawn*

The consensus seems to be that Jake and Gillian are rushing into things. Joe thinks so, and so does Ryan. Joe tells Jake that he is marrying Gillian for all the wrong reasons, while Ryan pleads with Gillian to give them another chance. So, while Gillian tells Ryan that she is not the one who gave up on them, Jake tells Joe that Gillian is fine with the marriage plan and the plan to get custody of Colby. It's right here that Jake gets the first of two I NEED TO BE SLAPPED awards this week... Joe questions Jake about taking Colby from Liza and Jake replies, "Liza can see Colby anytime she wants." Well, that's mighty big of you Jake. Ugh. And at the Boathouse, Ryan is telling Gillian that there is no way Jake can make her feel how he makes her feel and then beats on his chest like a gorilla. Gillian is not convinced and thinks Ryan only wants her now that she is unavailable. She tells him he had his chance, over and over, and he threw it away. Gillian gets this weeks PERFORMER OF THE WEEK award. I'm absolutely loving her. She really wants to believe Ryan, she really wants to be with him. But she's struggling so hard to keep everything together and wants so badly to help Jake. But still, she has to know that Liza will use the information of Colby not being Jake's daughter if it comes down to Jake actually winning. There is now way Liza will let him have her. Ryan starts to get suspicious of Gillian's motivation for marrying Jake when Gillian continues to say that they are protecting Colby from Adam. It almost looks as though she's going to spill the beans about Colby to Ryan, but then she runs off instead.

Back at Wildwind, Gilly has a nightmare about her life as a Martin. It's like a bad 50's sitcom. Sort of like a cross between "Leave It To Beaver" and "The Twilight Zone." It's definitely this weeks SCENE OF THE WEEK because you just know they all had a blast playing it. Tad and Jake were both such nerds! But hey, the symbolism was not lost on me. The Martin's were all in black and white, but when Ryan came into the story, he was in color. While Gilly is having this wacky dream, Ryan is daydreaming about Gillian coming back to him.

Ryan urges Waifley to help him find out what is going on with the custody suit. Turns out, Waifley is also suspicious of this sudden custody suit and agrees to help Ryan find out what is really going on.

After Gilly wakes up, she writes Jake a letter telling him the truth. She finds him sleeping on the UGS in the Wildwind living room and puts the letter on his chest so he will see it as soon as he wakes up. Did he move into Wildwind or what? Sheesh. Well, of course, he never saw the letter. So Gilly, thinking it was fate intervening once again, find the letter and burns it. Gillian then goes to see Ryan. She tells him that she has made her choice and that is to be with Jake. Ryan is not taking this lightly. He asks her if she still loves him, but she can't answer him. He continues with his... "Jake can't make you feel like I make you feel." spiel. And as she's walking out, he calls to her and they kiss. A big whooping, it looked like he slipped her the tongue, kind of kiss. After they break the kiss, Gilly admits, grudgingly, that she still does love Ryan, but it doesn't matter, she's marrying Jake anyway. Ryan tries to get Gillian to admit why she's marrying Jake, but she won't. And now there's another glitch, Tramplee is listening to it all at the door. Geez, what would this show be if they didn't have eavesdroppers?

When Gillian leaves Ryan's apartment, instead of going to see Ryan, Tramplee heads out after Gillian, following her to the mall. She's got a plan. When she sees Gilly coming, she pretends to be crying, and of course Gilly stops to see if she's OK. Tramplee makes up some tale about how Ryan made love to her all night, told her he loved her and this morning he left and told her he didn't want to see her anymore. She leads Gilly to believe that Ryan plays games with women and once he gets what he wants, he moves on. For reasons I can't even begin to comprehend, Gillian believes her.

While all this is going on, the Martins (with Adrian included this time thankyouverymuch) congregate at Myrt's for a party for Jake and Gillian. Kind of like a wedding party/shower because they are getting married on a school day and this is the only day in history that they can't get out of school. Since Gilly is late, Jake starts opening their presents without her. Nice guy. Of course the gifts are really stupid so I guess it doesn't matter anyway. Jack arrives at the party with a court order for Jake to bring Colby to Liza immediately with absolutely no visitation until after the custody hearing. For some peculiar reason, they think that this must be Adam's doing because hell, Liza is just going to sit back and watch Jake take her child. She wouldn't fight back on her own huh? Duh.

By this time, Ryan has gone to the Chandler's to try and find out what is going on. He wants Liza's help with stopping the wedding now. He is very suspicious and wants to know why Jake is going after custody. He tells Adam and Liza that he still loves Gillian and wants her back. A little light bulb goes off above Adam's head when he realizes Ryan may be just the help he's looking for. But just then, Jake and Gilly arrive with Colby. Jake is pissy cuz Adam's there. Jake is pissy cuz Liza got a court order. And this is where Jake gets his second of two I NEED TO BE SLAPPED awards this week. Jake had the damn nerve to say, as he was giving Colby to Liza, "This is the last time I give her to you without permission." OH SCREW YOU JAKE! Sheesh. What an ass.

After Jake and Gillian leave, Liza takes Colby to her bedroom and leaves Ryan with Adam. Ahh, just the chance Adam was looking for. He can't tell Ryan exactly what is going on, because of his promise to Liza. But of course, being Adam, he figures out a way around it. Adam takes Ryan to the safe room and tells him to listen to everything he and Liza talk about on the monitor. Ryan is listening and not believing what he is hearing. Add him to the growing list of people who know that Jake is not Colby's father. Next to find out... Tad. From there, I'm sure all hell is going to break loose.

Well, it seems as though Tramplee's near rape experience hasn't softened her any. She's scheming to ruin Ryan's chances with Gillian, she's still a nasty little snot to Becca. But she does get this weeks LINE OF THE WEEK, when, at the mall with Leo, she spots Becca and Scott and says, "Look, it's the human chastity belt and Dudley Doright." The four of them have an uncomfortable and snide-remark-laden cup of coffee, when Scott decides he's had enough and he and Becca leave. They are walking around, talking and Becca is telling Scott that Leo isn't such a bad guy, when Alex's gun-toting maniac comes running through the mall shooting and screaming before he grabs Alex. Scott dives on top of Becca to protect her. Once the man is caught, and they get back up, Becca has stars in her eyes and her little heart is going pitter-pat because Scott protected her. He then tells her that he loves her and Becca is so overcome that she jams her tongue down Scott's throat. Hmm, lot's of tongue action on AMC this week huh?

Meaningless Drivel of the Week... Assholeo and Waifley go tell Adam they are getting married. Adam pretends to be happy for them. Actually, this was a little better than meaningless because it was the only time that Assholeo was really on all week! I take it back. The only way this could have been better is if Waifley had gone alone and we didn't have to see Assholeo at all the whole week!

While Waifley and Assholeo are at Adam and Liza's, they tell her that she may be called to the witness stand during the custody hearing and want to make sure she doesn't badmouth dear old Dad. Well, it's exactly at this point of the story when ... and I'm totally serious, a BAT flew through my living room. It was Wednesday evening, nothing was on TV so Mr. Diva and I rewound the tape and started watching. Well, all is fine and dandy, when suddenly something is flapping around my living room! I'm not the least bit ashamed to say that I screamed and ran into the bathroom. Boris was not far behind me either. In case you don't know, I have two cats, Boris and Natasha. Boris was a big girlie chicken with his mommy while Natasha tried to catch the dang thing herself! Well, our intruder was not very healthy and ended up lying on our kitchen floor and not moving after his initial fly through the house. So, I came out of the bathroom and Mr. Diva threw a towel over the bat. What a racket! Damn that thing made the most disgusting noises. So, as I held the door, Mr. Diva ran outside and tossed Mr. Bat out of the house. He hit the driveway with thud, but he wasn't there in the morning. So, he either became some other cat's dinner, or he flew off somewhere. Either way, I don't care, I'm just glad he's gone! That was a major freak out. After about 15 minutes or so, and we were all calm, we realized we couldn't find Boris, so we went to look for him. We found him cowering under our bed, with the biggest eyes I've ever seen! The poor baby was all pupil. I think he was more scared than I was! I guess Natasha got all hunting instincts!

Back to the show... Adrian finds out that Rae's husband Daniel paid sleazoid attorney Lyle Wedgewood $10,000 for some reason. Rae is taken aback by this information and decides to break into Lyle's office. Adrian discourages this but knows she's going to do it anyway so he follows her so he can help her. But Adrian isn't as stealthy as he used to be I guess, since Derek actually catches them in Lyle's office and arrests them. But not before Rae finds her name in a ledger next to Daniel's name and the name Fannie Battle. At the police station, Lyle arrives and tells Rae that he will drop all the charges if she will never bother him again. Tad, who happens to have been there, I guess Adrian called him, agrees to Lyle's terms. But Rae goes after Lyle and tells him she cannot give up. He shrugs and walks off.

When Rae tells Myrtle about her latest news, Myrt is taken aback. She knows this Fannie Battle woman; hell, Myrt knows a lot more than she's letting on. She is up to her eyeballs in this Rae thing and I have to say that I think she's going to end up being Rae's mother. What I don't understand is why she doesn't just tell Rae, since she seems to know already, but I guess that would be too much of a shock to just blurt out. So who is Fannie Battle anyway? Is she an old carnie friend of Myrt's? What does Fannie Battle's Home for Unwed Mothers have to do with Rae? I guess we will find out soon because Rae's time in Pine Valley is about up.

Leo hires some dude named Paolo to seduce Marian. OK... that's our Meaningless Drivel of the Week. That and how dare Leo judge Tramplee for trying to come between Ryan and Gillian when he's doing something this despicable.

This week's AMC gets a D. Big snore, big bore.