The Pine Valley Bulletin

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Established 1998



February 1, 1999

I'm handing out slaps! Men of Pine Valley, get in line!!! Geez Louise, is there something in the water in Pine Valley that makes them all (well most of them) act like complete imbeciles?? I don't even know who to start with... how about David. Gillian could use a little slapping actually, for actually believing David would help her and Rine. But that's besides the point right now. OK, let's start at the beginning. Gilly and Rine are desperate for money so Gilly decides the only way to get it is to go back to David and offer herself to him. David's first slap worthy moment is when he tells Gillian he was heartbroken by her rejection. Yeah right, sure you were Davie old pal. Then when Gillian offers herself, he actually turns her down but gives her the money anyway. He's got a plan and he's playing her like a finely tuned piano.

Gillian takes the money and goes back to the cabin and finds Ryan freezing to death and soaking wet. Seems the cops showed up while Gillian was playing Gypsy Rose Lee with David, and the only way out was through the ice hole, so Ryan jumped in the water. Gillian does all she can to warm him and by morning it looks like Ryan is going to be OK. Then the questions start... did she get the money? How much? etc. It's then that Gillian begins a litany of lies that have her spinning completely out of control. It's actually painful to watch and I can't understand why Ryan cannot see that it's all a lie. Come on Ryan, when she said she was going to swing into her old bedroom from a vine on the tree, did you think she really meant that?

Then during all this, Dr. Devious shows up at the cabin. He's blatantly messing with them, talking in innuendo and such. He's got the money, and tries to give it to them. Ryan doesn't want David's money. Then David's biggest slap worthy moment of the week comes when he tells Ryan that Gilly went to him for the money, and offered herself in exchange. Ryan is stunned, but David continues, telling him that is how she got the bail money. Ryan is furious, and rightly so. He grabs David by the neck and I'm thinking... "go Ryan, snap his neck like a twig!" But he doesn't, and David leaves... giving Gillian the money and making that one final smug remark, "You were worth every cent."

Then David calls the police and tells them he saw Ryan at the ice cabin. That doesn't get results so he goes to the station in person and tells them what he knows, of course leaving out a lot of crucial details. I thought long and hard about David's motivations for all of this. First of all, I don't think that David has anything to do with the rape of Kit. I don't think he did it, I don't think he framed Ryan, and I don't think he tampered with the DNA evidence. I do think that David is a man who likes to have his own way. When Gillian rejected him, he was not happy. Why? Contrary to what Gillian thinks, he's not in love with her, and he's not jealous that she loves Ryan. It was merely that the ending of their liaisons was not on his terms. So, turning them in, and even paying $100,000 or whatever it was, to them, was worth it to him to just to ruin whatever chance they had. I think David is that evil.

Back at the cabin, Rine tells Gillian it's over. She begs him to take David's money and run, and take her with him. But Rine instead drops David's money in the ice hole. Bad move, if nothing else, they could have used that money packet to nail David on aiding and abetting. At any rate, just as Rine is about to leave, who should be at the door but the next Pine Valley man on the list to be slapped, Edmund. In fact, Edmund doesn't just deserve a slap, but something a lot bigger, like maybe his ear bitten off by Mike Tyson. Mr. Diva was getting a little annoyed with me this week because every time Eddie was on, I had to scream at the TV. Something like, "screw you Edmund!" and things of this nature. The first slap worthy moment was when Mateo was telling Jack what he knew about Ryan and Gilly's whereabouts. He's there with Miss Kitty, who for some reason is suddenly terrified that Ryan has not yet been caught. And for some other reason, Edmund is in the room while Mateo gives a statement. Once Mateo tells them that Gilly conked him on the head, Edmund goes nuts, screaming and ranting about how he wants Gilly arrested. You know what I said to that? "Screw you Edmund!"

Now we are at the point where Eddie shows up at the cabin and like the smug jerk that he is, he think Ryan's just going to go with him. Well Ed, Ryan's got other plans and he goes to leave. Eddie tries to stop him and a fight ensues. Ryan gets in a few good punches, but Eddie ends up really pummeling Ryan, until the cops and of course, the DA, show up and arrest both Ryan and Gilly. Hey Ryan, why don't you have that creep arrested for assault??

Hayley is released from jail because Mateo told all she knew, but she's not leaving the station just yet. She tells Mateo she is going to be there when Ryan shows up and lend support to her friend. Mateo isn't happy about this, but he finally relents and she stays. Hayley and her strange shirt sleeves are waiting in an interrogation room when Kit decides to go see her. Bad move Miss Kitty. Hayley puts her in her place yet again, and big brother Dack has to come and save her. Excuse me, but does Miss Kitty sound like she's about 3 years old when she calls Jack, Dack? After Ryan and Gillian are brought in, Ryan is very silent. He's so hurt by what Gillian did. I think he's actually more hurt by her than he is upset about being arrested. Gillian appeals to Hayley to help Ryan. She thanks Hayley for all she's done for them, and asks her to please help them some more. Hayley actually comforts Gillian and for a minute I thought she might actually hug her. Hayley goes to talk to Ryan and tells him that Gillian loves him and he should always hold on to that love.

Ryan is starting to show signs of an illness. He and Gillian are in jail, in cells across from each other. He says nothing as she pours her heart out, telling him she knows that she ruined his life. She tells him how much she loves him and how awful she feels about hurting him. She tells him that she should never have trusted David, that he is a very bad man. All the while, Ryan is standing with his back to her, and crying. Real tears folks and I cried right along with him. Ryan gets this weeks PERFORMER OF THE WEEK award! He was so awesome all week, and then those scenes in the police station were incredible and he never even spoke. In fact both Ryan and Gillian were amazing in the jail scenes.

Before I leave Edmund for the next man on the slap list, let's talk about what a jerk he was once Hayley came back to Wildwind. He's got the audacity to say to her when she got home, "Hayley, so glad to have you home." Yeah right Ed, that's why in the next minute when Hayley said something to his beloved Miss Kitty he said, "I'm warning you." God forbid someone say anything to his ingenue. Then he tells her to shut up or leave. Good way to alienate more family members. When he got in Hayley's face for daring to call Miss Kitty a liar, you know what I said? "Screw you Edmund!"

OK, slap victim number 3, who else? Assholeo. First slap worthy moment, when he came home from the hospital and didn't let Hayley know he was OK. Janet went to Weirdwind to try see if he was alright and was pretty surprised to find him. His logic was that if she thought he was hurt badly, she would rat out her friend. Nice. Janet and Assholeo figure out that since Ryan is no longer where Hayley thought he was, it's OK to tell the cops what Hayley knew. That's fine, OK... I don't have a problem with it. What bugged me was once Hayley was released and they had a few moments to talk alone, Assholeo said to Hayley, "Are you losing faith in me?" HUH? Where is his faith in her? Does he have any?

Now we get to Asshole's second slap worthy moment. Hayley has finally had all she can stand. She is not going to live under the same roof with Raquel and Miss Kitty any longer. Mateo suddenly had the old Raquel's deer caught in the headlights look. I could almost hear his mind screaming, "Do you mean to tell me I'm going to have to get a job??" Hayley put her foot down, and Assholeo again put Raquel before her. Oh we can't just rip Max from his mother. It's called soul custody Assholeo, you already ripped the kid from his mother. Oh we can't just forget about Raquel. Oh no? Why the heck not?? I loved how Hayley explained to Assholeo how kids live with different parents all the time. Evidently Assholeo never heard of divorce and joint custody. And through it all, even when Hayley was telling Assholeo what Raquel is all about, he continued to make excuses for her. Well Assholeo, Hayley is leaving Wildwind, are you going with her?

Our fourth contestant for a slap this week is Jack. His ugly slicked back hair was reason enough, but of course, he showed other reasons to need it too. The way he taunted Hayley in jail was absolutely disgusting. The way he held Mateo being in the hospital over her, not allowing her to get any news about what was wrong with him. He is SO on my nerves I can't even stand it. And to him and Eddie I have to say, I cannot wait for it to be proven that Ryan is innocent. I'd like to serve you both a big plate of crow myself!

What was with Miss Kitty this week when she said to Jack, "What if he's not guilty" about Ryan. Sounds to me like Miss Proof Positive is not so positive after all. Why on earth would she say that? And then ask Jack if he rigged the DNA test? That whole thing confused me immensely.

NEXT, Palmer. He's been kidnapped by Adrian. It seems to me like Adrian took PC to Pierce's old cabin, even though someone mentioned that it was Stuart's. Geez, how many cabins does Stuart have anyway? At any rate, Adrian has Palmer tied up and tells him he will sign the divorce papers. Palmer resists at first, taunting Adrian about his family. Adrian ripped into PC about how no one in his family loves him. It really seemed to give PC something to think about. Then Adrian, who is still in his Crystal Ball outfit, gets a call on his cell phone and gets fired because the story that PC fed to the Intruder broke Adrian's cover. You can't be a spy and have your picture in the paper. Palmer did seem genuinely sorry that that had happened, but that doesn't take any of his slap worthiness away. Adrian is plenty ticked, and scares Palmer enough that he agrees to sign the papers. Then, after he has signed them, Adrian decides to leave Palmer tied up in the cabin. PC isn't too happy to hear this and tells Adrian that a bear may get him. Adrian then gives this weeks LINE OF THE WEEK, "You're too scrawny and sour. No self respecting bear would take more than one bite." And then, Adrian leaves. PC is ranting and growling to be let go the whole time.

Adrian then goes to Belinda's, which I was really happy to see. And did she look fabulous! He brought Belinda the signed divorce paper so that she could file it with the courts before PC has a chance to contest it or whatever else he could do to get out of it. Belinda calls Opal and tells her where PC is, and Opal goes to the cabin to set him free. Of course, she ended up changing her mind. It seems PC really hasn't thought anything through and he is still as nasty as ever. He doesn't have one nice thing to say, he just is that same old curmudgeon that he has been. Nice set of emotions you have there PC.

Once Palmer does get free, he goes straight to the police station and demands that Jack arrest Adrian. PC goes into a whole litany of things that Adrian has done to him. Jack shows a moment of humanity when he tells Palmer that everything that Adrian did to him was deserved after all PC has done to Opal. Ahh a moment of redemption for Jack, which was soon to be replaced by a slap moment.

Adrian finally changes his clothes and then goes to see Opal. What a wonderful scene these two had as Opal tries to come to terms with the fact that Adrian may never forgive her. Adrian assures her that he does not hate her, but he is very confused. He's got a mother he never knew, a father who lied to him all his life and a new brother that he hated the moment he met him. Oops, don't forget about that other brother you have now Adrian, little Petey. Frank comes in and tells Adrian that they should talk. Adrian agrees and Opal leaves the room. I really like Frank. I hope AMC keeps him around for awhile.

One more man to slap this week, Adam. He steals Dixie's tape out of her purse and watches it. He figures out that Dixie is dying and then tells Junior! Smooth move. Adam was visibly upset when he realized that Dix may die, and in his defense, Junior did ask Adam if his mother was OK. But still, he should have checked with Dixie first. When Dixie arrives to take Junior to school, Adam confronts her and of course, Dixie denies any illness. But when he tells her that he told Junior, she goes nutso and threatens him with a letter opener. All the while, Junior is listening to them fight and gets upset. He starts to watch the tape and then, when Adam and Dixie are coming, he grabs the tape and bolts.

With Junior gone, Dixie is really losing it. She blames Adam and well, it is actually his fault. All the stress is getting to her and she collapses right as David is arriving at Adam's house. See David knew that Dixie might need him because Liza, who is suddenly showing a lot, and seems to actually have a square pillow under her shirt, has suddenly became a busy body and is trying to find out what's wrong with Dixie so she could tell Tad. Well Adam is none too thrilled to find out that David is Dixie's doctor, and in a slap worthy moment, tries to get David away from Dixie as she is visibly having some kind of attack.

This weeks SCENE OF THE WEEK happened after David actually helped Dixie to feel better. Wooden took David aside and asked him what was going on. David told him that stress makes her condition worse, to which Wooden says, "I thought she was getting better." David tells him that no, she's not getting better, that he just assumed she was. So Wooden starts to hyperventilate and says that PC is shelling out millions for David's new cardiac wing because David told the truth? Ding Ding Ding!! Give Wooden a prize! Oh my, I was howling with laughter through this scene! What a dolt! And David, he was so smug and arrogant it was hilarious! Hey Wooden, didn't you ever hear that old saying about what happens when you assume?

I don't have much to say about the new Raquel yet, other than I think she fits the part better than the old one. She hasn't been on enough for me to make a decent evaluation though.

OK, so who gets the coveted I NEED TO BE SLAPPED award? Well to David, Adam, Jack, Edmund, and Palmer... this week you five get one big collective SLAP!