The Pine Valley Bulletin

Welcome to Pine Valley's only online newspaper!

Established 1998


February 1, 2002

Well I'm finally here! Thanks everyone for your patience. I hope to do more Editorials this year than I did last year. I can't believe how few I actually did! Well, life gets in the way sometimes. And on that note, before I get to AMC I would like to share something with you, especially the people who don't read my message boards because most of those guys already know this. On January 14, exactly 1 year and 17 days after my Gramps died, my Grandma passed away and went on to join him. It's been a hard year. After Gramps died, I guess we all knew it would only be a matter of time. That is usually how it happens with couple who have been together as long as they have. If they were both still here, they would be celebrating their 70th wedding anniversary this February 2. Amazing! Believe me when I say, I know how lucky I am to have had them in my life as long as I did. That is something I never took for granted and still don't with the one grandparent I do have left (she is 93 and a total spitfire!). It seems unheard of for someone my age (36) to still have living grandparents, but I've never known any different. They're all unique and special and have enhanced my life in so many ways. It's been hard to lose them. But I want to share with you something the priest said at my grandmother's funeral mass that put everything in perspective for me. He said that through the year after Frank (Gramps) died, Francis (Grandma) slowly moved closer to him and farther away from us. It was so true and just filled me with a sense of peace. She belongs with her husband and now she is. I hope you enjoy the photo of my Grandma and Gramps, this is when they were dating... may they rest in peace. I miss you!!

My cd selections today are: PJ Harvey "Rid of Me", David Bowie "ChangesBowie", The Reverend Horton Heat "It's Martini Time", Simple Minds "Glittering Prize" and Orgy "Vapor Transmission"

So Vanessa is Proteus... now known as Pronessa. She's large and in charge. I have to say, I'm thoroughly enjoying her. But yet, I fear she'll be irredeemable if they aren't careful. You cannot make someone so bad that they keep murdering people and still keep them on the show. So far Pronessa has two murders under her belt... Paolo and Larry, and a possible third with Frankie. The writers are skating a very fine line with this one and if they aren't careful, that 4 year contract Marj Dusay signed will have as much worth as Liza and Adam's divorce papers. AMC... tread lightly and find a way to keep Marj!!!

Pronessa had a plan for Mateo to kill. She gets an honorable mention for LINE OF THE WEEK when, while talking to Mateo as Proteus, she said, "Your usefulness has expired." You know Pronessa, I could have told you that years ago! Anyway, she told Mateo to go to the park and wait for a call on the pay phone. While he was waiting for the phone to ring, a man came by to make a phone call. This is the first time this week that we got to see Mateo's wagging index finger of righteous indignation as he pointed it in the guys face to try and make him leave the scene. The guy wasn't intimidated by the DIGIT OF DEATH so Mateo ended up slipping him $100 to go away. But it turns out he didn't go quietly. He came back to try and mug Mateo for more than the $100 he gave him. Suddenly donning his cape and becoming Super Mateo, he disarms the mugger, shakes the DIGIT OF DEATH at him and sends him scurrying on his way.

In the meantime, Greenlee is confronting Pronessa. Seems Greens is ticked that Vanessa's boy toy beat up her boy toy. Pronessa is getting hotter and hotter under the collar with each passing minute because she's supposed to be calling Mateo at 7 pm sharp with instructions on where to go for his assignment. Greenlee notices her unease and this is where the actual LINE OF THE WEEK comes in when she says to Pronessa, "You're wound tighter than your last facelift." Ouch! Better watch it there Greens, Mommy Dearest in Law can have you whacked at the drop of a hat! But Greenlee is relentless and taunts Pronessa continually. Pronessa finally gets rid of Greenlee and immediately calls Mateo and tells him the plan is off and hangs up. She then calls Larry and tells him the plan has been aborted and he should NOT come to the Valley Inn.

A short time later, Larry shows up at the Pronessa's room wondering what happened because Mateo never showed up. It is soon evident that something is very wrong with Larry. Pronessa mild manneredly (I know it's not a word, but it fits) explains to Larry that the plan to kill Mateo was going to end with Larry himself dying of a heart attack after being given some lethal dose of a drug. Well Larry got the drug but Mateo didn't get killed. Larry suddenly drops dead in Pronessa's room, but not before he pulls a Jim Thomasson and looks straight at Pronessa and proclaims, "you bitch!" I wonder if it was the same drug she used to kill Paolo. Hey, while I'm talking about being in Pronessa's Valley Inn room, have you noticed the new designs to both hers and David's room in the past few months? It looks like the set designers have been watching "Trading Spaces"! The rooms really look great, bigger, new furniture and a nice color.

Back to the action... Pronessa is starting to go into panic mode. I don't know about you but I find this some of the most enjoyable times to watch her. Her panic is so intense. So Larry is dead on her floor and was actually supposed to be somewhere else when he dropped dead. And wouldn't you know, there's a knock on the door and it's Anna. When Pronessa doesn't answer the door, Anna tries to break in. More panic ensues as Pronessa tries to think fast. She runs to the door and tells Anna to go away. Befuddled, Anna goes back to David's room to tell him that his mother is going loopy. And in her room Pronessa spews another potential LINE OF THE WEEK when she says, "My boys have girlfriends from hell... both of them!" Pronessa now is stuck with the task of disposing of Larry's body and drags him to the closet.

David and Anna return to Pronessa's room to confront her about her strange behavior of late. Disheveled and hyperventilating, Pronessa tells them that Larry came in and attacked her after telling him she had to end it. She tells them that she was just looking for some affection because Palmer can be so cold. I'm thinking Palmer is not nearly as cold as Larry is right about now! In a almost unheard of show of family loyalty, David wants to go after Larry and confront him about attacking his mother, but Pronessa urges him not to. Just then Palmer walks in and Pronessa goes into some kind of spasm when he goes to the closet. She stops him from opening it and then tells him that he has to go because they are all planning his birthday party. Anna and David are flabbergasted by Pronessa's sudden change in mood after Palmer came into the room. And as they head back to David's, David tells Anna that he thinks Pronessa has totally lost it. Anna though, now sees things from a different perspective. She tells David that Pronessa was in complete control of the whole situation and instead of her being nuts, she thinks she may be hiding something. David calls Leo and asks him to come over and discuss their kooky mom.

Palmer has left to go see Erica, but returns back to the room. Pronessa stops him again, just as he's about to open the closet. At a loss as to what to do, she confesses to him that she's been having an affair and is trying to pay Larry off to go quietly. Palmer's had all he can stands cuz he can't stands no more! He kicks her out on her butt and tells her the marriage is over. Hands down, Pronessa is this weeks PERFORMER OF THE WEEK.

Greenlee and Leo arrive at David's and compare notes on the whacko that is their mother. They can see that Pronessa is unraveling but they have no idea all that is involved. While they are discussing her, she just happens to show up at the door and tells them that Palmer has kicked her out and she needs help, so Leo and David head over to her room to help her out. In the meantime, Greenlee and Anna bond over champagne and the mother in law from hell. I'm going to interject here for a second... so what do we make of Palmer's new attitude lately? He's been concerned about Erica and that concern has actually transferred to civility towards Opal. It's amazing, he hasn't been even close to civil to her for years. He really hasn't liked seeing Opal happy with Hank, but you know what PC... too little too late. First of all, it really pisses me off that Erica bought Hank for Opal. I hate that AMC mistreats Opal this way. Not only does Opal think she'll never find a man, but so does her best gal pal. So the best gal pal takes it upon herself to buy Opal a boyfriend for a month. And then, since Palmer doesn't like it, he buys Hank a tour! This is sick. Sick and wrong! How is it that we still have Palmer controlling Opal? What a disservice to her character! And you know, as much as I loved Palmer and Opal back in the day, I do not want to see them get together again. Palmer has treated Opal like a dumb hick for years, even before they were divorced. He has berated her, locked her in a room, badmouthed her, humiliated her, tried to change her and flaunted his relationship with Pronessa in her face. Now because he sees the light does he think he might be able to get Opal back? Geez I sure hope not!! Opal has finally come into her own and grown into a confident woman. Having her reunite with Palmer would send her too far backwards. Yeah yeah, there's the issue of Petey and all, but the days of getting back together for the kids are long gone. I'm not blind though, I see that Opal still loves the old coot. I hope for her sake if they do reunite, that he makes it up to her big time and I don't mean by buying her jewelry and taking her on trips.

Back to Pronessa. She's got a problem called Larry's body and it seems that she's put him in a trunk. She tells Leo and David that it's all her belongs and can they help her move them out of the room. Everyone is a little taken aback when a cell phone starts to ring inside the trunk, but Pronessa covers by saying she must have left it in a coat pocket. Suddenly, David and Leo are unwitting accessories to the crime. They are having a hard time moving the trunk and I'm giving this SCENE OF THE WEEK. It was all too damn funny as they tried to move this trunk and then before they can get it out, Palmer comes back yet again. This exchange was one of my favorites... Palmer to Pronessa: "I told you to be gone by now." David: "Yeah, we're working on that dad." It totally busts me up whenever David calls Palmer "dad." Palmer tells them he got Pronessa another room at the Valley Inn, but she doesn't want it. I wonder where she plans on living?

Pronessa decides she needs to get a job, since she has a cover to protect I guess. She goes to SOS and asks Mateo for a job singing in the club. Mateo is stunned but seethe desperation on Pronessa's face. He decides to call Leo to come and pick Pronessa up. Here is where we experience another run in with Mateo's DIGIT OF DEATH. Leo is on the phone with Mateo and isn't exactly keen on coming to Pronessa's rescue. Mateo shakes that finger at the phone, which is sure to intimidate Leo and sending him right over there. Well all be, it must have worked because sure enough Leo and Greenlee did go right over to SOS. Pronessa is not too happy to see Greenlee, but she goes off to the side with Leo to talk. Greenlee sits at the bar and has a field day with Pronessa's pathetic act. Mateo's DIGIT OF DEATH rears it's ugly head yet again as he scolds Greenlee for making fun of Pronessa when she's obviously hurting. Greenlee explains to Mateo that Pronessa is anything but helpless and vulnerable and tells him about how she caught her waiting for Larry for a 7 pm sharp meeting. The wheels in Mateo's head suddenly start to click... could Vanessa be Proteus? He decides to hire her so he can keep an eye on her.

We have one more instance of the DIGIT OF DEATH this week. Chris is at SOS getting drunk after realizing that, duh... he's Ryan's father. Mateo goes to see if he's OK and wouldn't you know it, before Mateo can get that dang finger in his face, Chris turns the tables on him and gives him a piece of his own medicine and sticks his own finger all up in Mateo's face!

As an aside, I'm noticing that Simone seems to actually be falling for Mateo. I wonder what it is about him that she finds so attractive... his rage? maybe his anger? possibly his secretiveness? his job as head fruit slicer? No, none of these... the thing that has attracted Simone to Mateo is the DIGIT OF DEATH ahhhhhhhh!!!!!!!!

Which brings me to the stating of the obvious... we get it, Chris is Ryan's father. We've had enough clues now so can we just get it out in the open? How many times do we need to see Chris lurking around Ryan and Ryan getting ticked about it? Let's move on. And speaking of Ryan being ticked, he certainly is angry lately. While I like the nice, romantic hero Ryan, I think this attitude change has been a long time in coming. We've always known that Ryan had a very bad childhood that has sometimes caused him pain. And this past year was no picnic for him. He lost his wife, his business, his mother, and found out that his father was murdered. Personally, I'm glad to see Ryan finally confront all his demons and vent out some of this anger.

Enter Kendall. Ahh the new Kendall, also angry and with a bitter chip on her shoulder. It's early, but I already like her. She had some very big shoes to fill in Sarah Michelle Gellar, and I think she's doing a fine job of it. Her banter with Ryan is getting a little old. I mean, I think I would have bought her calling Ryan "6 pack" a lot more if she had actually seen the killer abs before she called him that. She didn't. Maybe she guessed, who knows. All I know is I'd like to eat my dinner off those abs! Woof. Oh sorry, hose me down. Here is my dime store analysis of Kendall. Yes, she and Erica made peace before Kendall left town the last time, but it was only peace, not a relationship. Kendall is harboring some serious neglect issues and when she says that Erica abandoned her, I don't think she is talking about giving her up for adoption. I think she so desperately wants acceptance by Erica. Here is this girl who found out her biological mother is the world famous Erica Kane, she goes to find her in hopes of having a relationship with her and Erica pretty much rejected her from the get go. It's a difficult situation... for Erica, Kendall brought back a part of her that she had buried and never wanted to remember. Kendall wanted her mother's acceptance and it's not her fault she was conceived how she was. It's a sticky wicket and it creates a lot of tension. So when Erica called Kendall for help in getting her out of the country, the rejection all came flooding back. But if you notice, Kendall was all about Erica NEEDING her help. Kendall wants some of the devotion that Erica has showered on Bianca all these years and just can't understand why she can't get it. Personally, I think that Kendall is a chip off the old block... way more so than Bianca is. Maybe that's another reason Erica has a hard time with her, she sees too much of herself in her.

Back to Ryan, out of nowhere he almost gets mowed down by a lunatic driving through the courtyard at the Pine Cone Motel. He gets out of the way in time, but his bike wasn't so lucky. Wouldn't you know, it was JR who was driving like a madman and destroyed his bike. He tries to explain that he was taking home a drunk friend and that she grabbed the wheel before he could stop her. Did she grab the gas pedal too? Anyway, JR tries to appeal to Ryan to not turn him in, but Ryan is all about getting revenge on Adam for something or other so he tells JR no way. Kendall to JR's rescue, she reams Ryan for not cutting the kid a break so he gives in. JR wants to write Ryan a check for damages but Ryan demands that he get a job and pay for it himself, not with daddy's money. It's a nice lesson to teach the kid really, JR needs to learn that daddy can't always bail him out. But it'll take him years to buy Ryan a new motorcycle on the salary at the burger barn. I guess that's the point.

Ryan's had enough of Chris being in his face so he decides to break into his room at Myrtle's and find out what his deal is. He searches everything, even the guys checkbook! And speaking of, I know it looked a little strange there, with Chris writing a check to the Pine Valley Bulletin and all, but I swear, I'm not on the guys payroll!! Ryan finds a piece of paper with his DOB on it, 1/18/74. Ryan's not sure what to make of all this, but wouldn't you know, Anna arrives to shed some light. She tells him that he'd make a great something or other... spy? detective? undercover agent? Who knows, it wasn't clear and on AMC they are all interchangeable anyway. She wants to teach him. You know, I could get into Ryan being undercover. I think it would be a good thing for him and goodness knows he's not doing anything else. Suddenly, out of nowhere, Anna blurts out that she was married to Ryan's mother's cousin, Duke Lavery. Ryan is taken aback that's for sure... why now? Why didn't she mention this before? She tells him that he is a lot like Duke. And all I keep thinking is do I really care about any of this? The answer is no.

Time is running out so I must give this weeks DIXIE COONEY MARTIN COMMEMORATIVE SLAP AWARD to none other than Dixie Cooney Martin. She never told Tad or JR that she was going to the Caribbean to get a quickie divorce until Tad confronted her with this knowledge in front of JR. She is ticked that Tad would spill it in front of him, but too bad. She should have told them both. And what's with her anyway... she was all boo hooey when Tad said he was going to go ahead and start divorce proceedings, and now she wants it done so fast she's going to the Caribbean? Tad tells her that he is going to the Caribbean with her, since they entered into their marriage together, they will dissolve it together.

They took the PV Time Machine down to the Caribbean and got there in about 30 seconds. Once there, they were starting to have fun but Dixie nipped that in the bud immediately. In a real PASS THE HANDBAG moment, Tad begged Dixie to reconsider getting a divorce. Begging does not become you Tad. And Dixie, well I think I heard a big collective gasp from all the Tad and Dixie fans around the country when Dixie told Tad that she doesn't think they belong together or have that "forever" kind of love. I call this THE GASP HEARD 'ROUND THE WORLD.

Well, the only thing left is the trial. Bianca is starting to have flashbacks after seeing Opal's butterfly pin, but can't quite put it together. Erica realizes this is happening and tells Opal to get rid of that pin. Opal refuses since it was a gift from Hanky Panky but tells her she will try and not let Bianca see it again. Bianca in the meantime has gone looking for Anna to ask her how she can get her memory back. Chris was listening to the conversation and realizes that any trigger can bring back Bianca's memory. Chris decides to call Bianca to the stand before the verdict can be read. Erica begs him not to, Jack objects but the judge allows him to redirect questioning to her anyway. Chris begins his questioning and shows Bianca a photo of the crime scene and of Frankie's body, trying to jog her memory. Erica panics, Jack objects but Bianca continues. She is starting to remember and she remembers that she went back to Frankie's room. The memories come flooding back and Bianca remembers that she went back to tell Frankie that she hated her, but she found her lying on the floor dead, wearing a butterfly shirt. Bianca also realizes that Frankie was holding the locket, the locket that Erica supposedly took after killing her and tells the court that Erica could not have killed her because Bianca was there first. Erica's case crumbles before her and of course, the jury finds her not guilty.

But all is not fine and dandy in Kaneland. Bianca is furious with Erica and I'm sorry, I think she has every right to be. I know a lot of viewers think that Bianca is being ungrateful for the sacrifices that Erica made for her, but I would be pretty furious too if not only did my mother think I was capable of murder, but that I actually committed one. No matter how it looks, Erica's course of action should have been to prove that Bianca was innocent, not cover up her guilt. And Chris is furious because she played him the whole time. Erica looks to have gotten off the murder charge, but in the process has lost both Chris and Bianca. And after all the beating up of Erica he did while she was on the stand, it was Jack who was there to comfort her. It was so touching and sweet. These two always shared a bond, and I thought it was great. Then it turned even greater after Jack left and Erica was arrested yet again, this time for perjury and obstruction of justice!! Nice twist! Hey, he was just doing his job, nothing personal Erica. Nice touch!

I'm going to give AMC a big B+ I think it's been really good and seems to be getting better and better. And I did it in only 4 cds!! I'll have to save Orgy for next time!