The Pine Valley Bulletin

Welcome to Pine Valley's only online newspaper!

Established 1998


December 9, 2002

It's definitely been too long since we last discussed AMC here. I know I say that every time, but every time I say it... I mean it! So let's get started. This weeks cd selections have a decidedly Christmas feel. I'm starting with "How the Grinch Stole Christmas" it's basically the whole show on audio cd. Followed with "ChangesBowie" because any time is a good time for Bowie. Then "Rudolph, Frosty and Friends" which is a fantastic cd with all the songs from the Rankin/Bass Christmas specials. Hole "Live Through This"... what says Christmas more than Courtney Love! Speaking of Courtney Love, I caught this show on the Oxygen network... "Conversations with Carrie Fisher" and her guest was Courtney Love for a whole hour. I maintain that "Live Through This" is a fantastic album, but an hour of Courtney's non-stop insane rambling is an hour too much!! I'll end up with one of mine and Mr. Diva's favorite Christmas albums, Trans-Siberian Orchestra's "Christmas Eve and Other Stories."

It seems like there may not be a Crystal Ball this year and I can not for the life of me figure out why. The Ball was not to honor Maria's memory, although it did that too. It was a benefit for a charity called the Maria Santos Grey Foundation. Maria being alive should have no bearing on whether or not the party will happen. The charity still exists. For some reason, Edmund is thinking about canceling it. Maria urges him not to, but I have a feeling if there is one at all, it will be very very much scaled back and we won't see much of it at all. I'm leaning more towards there not being one. I think it's a mistake. This is an AMC institution. The masquerade ball a month ago was, IMO, unnecessary. Everything that happened there could have happened at the Crystal Ball.

Let's get this bit of nonsense out of the way.... Laurie and JR. Can I just say, Jenny and Greg they are not!! Laurie likes him, she is making out with him in the attic. Then she's pissed because HE got her fired!? I think she went up there of her own free will. She likes him again, she likes hanging out with him. She gets pissed because he buys her a present. JR tries to give her another present, more from the heart and the fickle bitch still isn't happy. I liked her at first, and I think she's really adorable. And I do understand that she wants JR to be more attentive and sincere. She wants him to call her more (can't she pick up a dang phone!?). And ok, she's young. She probably doesn't realize yet (and if she is like the other women in Pine Valley, she never will) that you cannot change someone to fit into a mold you have. Erica still doesn't understand that does she? Accept him for who he is or get lost Laurie.

Enter Doug, the irate angry father who's life was ruined by Adam Chandler because he eliminated the department he worked in. Because of this, he hates JR. zzzz, oh sorry, I nodded off there for a minute. This whole storyline is weak. Very very weak. I shouldn't say it, I really shouldn't... I'm trying to be kind here. But I must... if the acting by all parties were better, I think the storyline could work. This is a total rehash of Jenny and Greg as I said above. The problem is that Laurie is no Kim Delaney, JR is no Laurence Lau, and Doug is definitely no Natalie Ross (the deliciously evil Enid Nelson). I hated the whole sick ploy of trying to make us think that Laurie had a little something going on the side with the janitor. Of course, it was painfully obvious he was her father and she was humiliated by the whole thing. This storyline is playing out very poorly and I can't seem to muster up any care or concern for any of them. And what's with the eyebrow shrugs everytime JR talks?

Which brings me to the big turn around I have had on the Kendall/JR connection. Oh did I love this, when JR was played by Jonathan Bennett. He and Alicia Minshew, who plays Kendall, had this sizzling hot chemistry. It was fantastic. Whenever they had a scene together I couldn't wait to see if they would make out, if Kendall would slip him the tongue, if she would hold off on banging the studly boy or give into her obvious attraction to the young pup. Now with the JR recast, the chemistry is gone. The connection is gone and there is a huge ick factor to the whole thing! In fact, this scene wins this weeks LEO duPRES MEMORIAL PASS THE HANDBAG AWARD. *shudder* And add Bianca breaking into Kendall's room and finding them putting on their clothes. Oh my, now Bianca thinks they did the deed (although they have said they didn't, that Kendall backed off before it got to that point, Kendall let Bianca think they did). This could only spell trouble for Kendall down the road. JR is a minor. Not a brilliant move on Kendall's part.

In honor of the Christmas holidays, I'm going to try my hand at tweaking of lyrics of a Christmas song to suit characters in Pine Valley. I have chosen the song "Why Am I such a misfit" from the "Rudolph the Red Nosed Reindeer" Christmas special. Remember this song? It's the one that Rudolph and Hermey (the elf who wants to be a dentist) sing. It seems to be appropriate for the characters of AMC!

JR: Why am I such a misfit, why am I such a misfit... just because I can't act, why don't I fit it?

Laurie: Why am I such a misfit, why am I such a misfit... I can't figure out what I want, why can't you read my mind?

Doug: Why am I such a misfit, I'm not only a nitwit... I'll make my daughters life miserable, just because I can.

After almost being blinded by the horrible sight of Kendall and JR getting dressed, Bianca rushes to the boathouse to vent her frustrations and beat the crap out of the place. Maggie's ESP seems to be working overtime because she shows up whenever Bianca is upset about something, and this time is no exception. Bianca tells Maggie all about what she saw. Maggie isn't real sympathetic to the whole thing and tells Bianca to admit she's jealous. It's an interesting moment, Bianca does admit she's jealous... she's jealous of people who are free to express their feelings. Maggie tells Bianca she needs to give herself a break and treat herself better. She's right you know.

Bianca: Why am I such a misfit, why am I such a misfit... I'm the nicest girl in town, that's why I don't fit in.

Maggie: Why am I such a misfit, why am I such a misfit... Just because I have no point, why don't I fit in?

Mark this day down in history folks, it was December 2, 2002... Chris Stamp stood up to Erica Kane. We finally saw a spine!! It was amazing! As Erica made plans to get revenge on Kendall for having her arrested and thrown in jail on Thanksgiving, Chris tells her that enough is enough and it's time to let go of this vendetta. Erica is not so quick to agree, she doesn't want Trey or Kendall to get away with all the crap they've pulled. But Chris urges her to be a bigger person and let this all go or they will never have the life they should have together. He wants him to be her focus. He wants the planning of their wedding to take up her time. With Bianca's input Erica finally realizes that they are right and she should just move on. Mmm hmmm, I see that lasting!

As a total and complete aside, did you ever notice that Erica's new sofa in her penthouse is a board!? The cushions do not sink no matter who sits on it. That must be one honkin uncomfortable piece of furniture!

Here we go with the MEANINGLESS DRIVEL OF THE WEEK: As a surprise, Chris takes Erica to a dress shop in Brooklyn so Erica can get a wedding dress. He doesn't want to wait to get married and knows that a designer dress, like Erica wants, will cause delays and they won't be able to get married at Christmas. Oh Chris, you big lug! Erica Kane buy off the rack, are you mad! The big haired kooky Italians, Loretta and Fran, who run the shop are just beside themselves that La Kane is in their shop and bend over backwards to accommodate her. Erica plays along, but privately tells Chris that her gown won't be ready until June, so they will have to postpone. Even though all this is inane and pointless, Erica delivers this weeks LINE OF THE WEEK during it when she says, "I want this to be the most wonderful wedding I've ever had... and that's saying quite a lot" You got that right sister!

Chris: Why am I such a misfit, why am I such a misfit... I'm going to marry Erica Kane, I should fit right in.

Erica: I am NOT a misfit, I am certainly NOT a misfit... I am Erica Kane, I always fit in!

Back at the Valley Inn, Kendall has dropped the charges against Erica, but Aidan is still annoyed that she did that at all. He wants her to move on and get over this vendetta against Erica. Kendall however, can't seem to do that. This little argument with Aidan caused Kendall to totally flip her lid and accept the affections of JR when he came to see her. Tsk, tsk, tsk... Kendall never learns her lesson. She's trying to get something going with Aidan, she has even stopped wearing Ryan's ring around her neck. So what does she do first chance she gets, mess around with someone else!

Kendall: I am not a misfit, I cannot be a misfit... I'm Erica's daughter I deserve respect and I should fit in.

Aidan: Why am I such a misfit, I am not just a nitwit.. one minute I'm good the next psycho, I should fit right in.

Bianca somehow gets it in her head that she should offer Greenlee a job working with her on the new Enchantment youth line. Greenlee does accept at first until she realizes that it wasn't Erica's idea and that Erica hasn't OK'd it. She realizes that Bianca was just trying to be nice to her because of Leo. Nice thing for Bianca to do, but in typical Greenlee fashion, she is annoyed and ungrateful. Thinking Greenlee is going to change into a nice and kind person just because Leo died is a mistake. She is who she is. Leo grounded her, but she was always selfish and bitchy, just like she said. To know Greenlee is to love her. That is why she was so in love with Leo, he loved her for who she was and she is very unapologetic about who she is. It's what I love about her too.

Greenlee decides to start her own cosmetics empire that will dethrone Erica and Enchantment. She starts out by wanting to buy a building that just shut down in town and Trey offers to find out who owns it and what the price is while Greenlee gets the capital together. Wouldn't you know, suddenly Greenlee's fortune has dwindled because of the poor market fluctuations. She calls her mother to help her with the money, but Mary refuses to make the risky investment.

Meanwhile at the Valley Inn, while babysitting for Petey, Kendall runs into Boyd, the hunka hunka burnin love chemist that works for Erica. This was our introduction to this cutie pie. Can't wait to see more of him!

Trey meets up with Kendall at the Valley Inn and spills all of Greenlee's plans to her. It isn't until after he tells her ever single thing Greenlee told him that he says, "I won't let you steal Greenlee's idea" Um, Trey... you should have thought of that before you spilled the beans! As it turns out, Kendall couldn't steal the idea if she wanted to. She has no money to start such an endeavor. I guess that never stopped anyone else in Pine Valley though. But as it turns out, Petey is eavesdropping (boy they learn that young in PV don't they?) and knows who owns the building Greenlee wants. Kendall realizes it must be Palmer and tells Trey that she'll talk to Palmer about it for them. In return, Kendall wants a job. You know, I want a job with them too! This sounds great!

Petey: Why am I such a misfit, why am I such a misfit... I'm a 10 year old con artist, I should fit right in.

Trey: Why am I such a misfit, I am not just a nitwit... my mom was nuts, my dad a perv, does that mean I am doomed?

Greenlee: Why am I such a misfit, why am I such a misfit... do what I say or get out, this is my world.

David goes to see Edmund and Maria with an offer. It seems that David has figured out what part of the miracle drug, X-17 causes the memory loss and he thinks he can reverse it and give Maria her life back. But this is David we're talking about here, he's not going to do it out of the goodness of his heart. The catch is that she has to agree not to go to Jack or cooperate in any case against him. Maria says no way. She wants to see him pay for what he's done. David tries valiantly to convince her, to no avail. She won't do it even though she wants her memory back. She cannot see David getting away with all he's done. Edmund is very quiet during all this and later asks her if passing up David's offer is worth what she may be missing out on.

Later, Maria meets with Jack about their strategy in getting David put away and at the same time, Edmund meets with David. Oh this can't be good. Jack does not have enough evidence against David to charge him with anything that would stick and suggests that she sue him in civil court. The goal would be for him to lose malpractice insurance and if that happens, he cannot practice medicine until he gets more. Jack feels that no insurance company would ever touch him after all this misdeeds came out. And if he can't practice, he cannot do research or get grants anymore either. But when Jack tells her that the whole family would be dragged into it and forced to testify about her life too, she decides that is not the way to go.

At the cabin, Edmund asks David for more information on what he proposed to Maria. Oh that David, he's so smug... I love it. I love evil David. Edmund agrees to give him unlimited funds for research if he can restore Maria's memory, but Edmund wants proof that will work first. He won't let David experiment on Maria again. Edmund wants all of David's research so that he can give to experts to decipher. They agree to this deal, with all of Edmund's people signing privacy agreements so they cannot steal David's idea. Edmund tells David that if Maria finds out about any of this, the deal is off. That my dear Edmund, is a recipe for disaster!

Somewhere in here, Jack went to see Anna and tell her that she has options... David is not the only man for her. Anna is shocked, but Jack goes on to tell her that he is interested in her. Anna, flattered, turns him down and tells him that she is in love with David and he deserves better than her anyway. I have to agree with her there. Jack leaves when David comes in. Anna tells Dr. Devious that they are going to have a baby girl. Guess that ends the idea of naming the baby Leo.... but who knows, maybe it doesn't. I've heard weirder names for girls!

After her meeting with Jack, Maria goes to talk to Aidan and tells him how David will probably get away with everything. Aidan is not happy to hear this. He hates David for what he did to Maria and for how he's basically ruined Anna's life, in his opinion. Aidan wants to help Maria get David and makes a plan. Maria realizes that Aidan is up to something and goes after him. Next thing we know, Aidan is hiding up on the roof of David's cabin and when David hears a noise and goes to look out the door, Aidan kicks him in the jaw and knocks him out. It's funny how Aidan wants Kendall to let go of her vendetta against Erica, but he can't seem to get over David.

Jack: Why am I such misfit, why am I such a misfit... I have no story and no love, give me something to do!

Anna: Why am I such a misfit, why am I such a misfit... I've lost my identity and I don't care, I'm carrying the devil's spawn.

David: Why am I such a misfit, I am cannot be a misfit... I save lives dammit, that means I fit in!

Maria: Why am I such a misfit, why am I such a misfit... I don't remember a thing at all, was I misfit before?

Edmund: Why am I such a misfit, I am not just a nitwit... I got my wife back and now I lie, I guess I fit right in.

After the fall, push, accident...whatever, at the masquerade ball, Mia is in the hospital barely hanging on. After severe internal injuries, but miraculously no broken bones (much like Bumbles and Leslie Coulson's, Mia's bounce) Mia has developed a very serious infection. And while Mia clings to life, Marian and Liza selfishly continue their cover up. Actually it's more Marian. Liza at least feels responsible and guilty and guess what? She should. She is responsible. I'll give her that she didn't want to push Mia out the window, but the fact of the matter is, she did. But Marian keeps playing the Colby card and telling Liza that if it comes out that she was responsible for Mia's fall, Adam can twist it into a jealous rage and that she pushed Mia. Hmm, come to think of it, it kind of was. But it's Marian who gets this weeks DIXIE COONEY MARTIN COMMEMORATIVE SKANK SLAP. Tell the truth! Mia is a member of the family for goodness sakes! She deserves at least the truth. Shame on you Marian! Liza has at least tried a few times to tell the truth. Granted she doesn't get it out, but she has tried to tell Jake.

While Liza sits with a restless and delirious Mia, she suddenly sits bolt upright and screams... "why did you push me!!!!" It seems Mia's memory works while she's sick with fever, but it doesn't other times because when the fever breaks later, she doesn't remember anything about the fall.

Stuart on the other hand, who wasn't at the ball, did see something as he was arriving home from the gallery... a woman in the window after Mia fell. It doesn't take Stuart too long to realize that it was Liza. Stuart is shocked that Marian would urge Liza to keep the truth to herself. He wants to question Liza about all of this and rushes to the hospital. But Marian stops him and urges him to keep quiet about it all.

In the hospital chapel, Jake is praying that Mia will be ok when Tad comes in. What a wonderfully moving scene as the brothers bond. Tad reminds Jake that he is lucky that Mia is still there, he has another day, another hour with her. It's something Tad did not get with Dixie. Tad tells him he should spend every minute he can with her. Jake realizes that Tad is right and rushes to Mia's side. That was definitely SCENE OF THE WEEK material. Very touching. Well, then it turns a bit schmaltzy as Jake goes to Mia's bedside and urges her to fight. As he lays his head on her, she wakes up. The fever has broken and she's going to be fine. That is what I call the "Love of a good man miracle cure."

Jake tells Mia he wants to get married immediately, but Mia wants to have a real wedding with family, a dress and wants to walk down the aisle. Jake calms down and they decide to wait. But Jake tells her he will find out how she fell, since he knows that she did not just tumble out and that something had to happen.

Meanwhile Tad is having a talk with Liza.. he's starting to piece it all together. It takes very little urging on Tad's part before Liza totally falls apart and tells him everything. Liza tells him how she went to confront Mia, and just wanted to talk to her. She explains how she grabbed Mia's arm to turn her around and talk to her, but she tripped on her dress and fell, which catapulted Mia out the third story window. As Tad urges her to tell the truth, Jake and Mia walk into the chapel and hear Liza admit that it was her fault, much to Jake and Mia's shock.

Liza: Why am I such a misfit, I cannot be a misfit... I misjudged everything, but that doesn't mean I should pay.

Mia: Why am I such a misfit, why am I such a misfit... Jake loves but I don't know why, I'll just try to fit in.

Jake: Why am I such a misfit, why am I such a misfit... I love Mia but don't know why, when did we even date?

Marian: Why am I such a misfit, I cannot be a misfit... my daughter almost killed her sister, but I'll never tell.

Stuart: I know why I'm a misfit, I am such a misfit... I tell the truth and am good, that's why I don't fit in.

Oh that was fun! This weeks AMC gets a D. Considering all that seems to be happening, not much happened. Sweeps are over and it's back to snoozeville. I'm sure it'll pick up again soon though!