The Pine Valley Bulletin

Welcome to Pine Valley's only online newspaper!

Established 1998


December 1, 1997

OK, I've just about had it with this prison stuff!! How unreal can you be! First Jack and his little candlelit dinner for two, now a Thanksgiving feast!! OK, fine, I can even go so far as to accept that the prison can have Thanksgiving dinner brought in by the Valley Inn, but I can't accept that they used real china plates, real silverware with knives, glasses and cups and saucers. Come on! Can we just have a shred of realism here? Not that I have any idea if prisons uses dishes, but I'm sure they don't use china! And while I'm at it, how about how the "can't touch" rule applies to everyone but Bianca. Whenever anyone walks through that visiting room door Erica goes to them, then backs off saying, "no touching." Bianca walks through the door and runs straight into Erica's arms and no one says a word. And strangely enough, Erica was not in her prison clothes. What was that all about? She was still dressed from her parole hearing? That hearing was held on Thanksgiving? What da dillio!?

So Erica is devising a plan to get out of jail huh? Let's see, we've got a knife (gee wonder where she got that from!) and a woman who looks just like her. A dual role for Susan Lucci? Just one question, where did Erica put her brain? If she does, in fact, break out of prison, that means when she's caught she'll have to get more jail time on her sentence. Which makes zero sense to me. She won't be helping Twiggy if she is in jail longer. I have a feeling that Mama Santos might just go back to the judge and retract all the horrible things she said about Erica now that she knows Erica was instrumental in getting Maddie back to Edmund. And speaking of Mama Santos, she has our LINE OF THE WEEK! "Erica Kane may look harmless and beautiful, but she is harmless like a deadly spider and she is dangerous. She should not be let loose on the innocent people of Pine Valley." Yes, we all know the residents of Pine Valley are helpless against the evil ways of Ms. Kane!! Seek shelter!!! They may be letting her out soon!!

David Hayward has made his way to town to torment Allie with this big and boring secret from her past. Let's see, David was her boyfriend. OK anything else? Is there a reason for Allie's look of terror every time she sees him, or hears his name or reads a card he sent? Is it going to take a zillion years to find out what else could possibly be going on there? How does Jake fit it in? Do people really care about this?

So Trevor is torn between whom to believe. Well he's some father! He has to think about this twice? Don't most people automatically believe their child? Sure, Tim hates Janet and all, but does Trevor actually think that Tim would go so far as to lock himself in a meat locker and then blame Janet? Sure, we know he did do that, but Trevor doesn't! How could he even contemplate not believing Tim? See, all along I have not wanted Trevor and Janet together and it's for a reason just like this. Trevor can't ever fully trust Janet, and in this case I do believe he should be believing his son. To the innocent bystander, the evidence against Janet is pretty good, even though we know she had nothing to do with it. She was gone, and seen by no one when she went to visit Natalie's grave. She had dirt all over her hands. She's worn that ugly chartreuse blouse and vest for 3 days straight. Ok the blouse has nothing to do with it, but I had to work it in somehow. So anyway, when Tim disappeared, Janet was nowhere to be found either. Then she comes back and her hands are dirty and she talks Trevor into not calling Derek right away. Things don't bode well for my girl Janet. So this is where the lie detector comes into play. After that, will Trevor then believe Janet? And if Tim holds onto this stupid story, how will he be found out? Maybe his brilliant friend Oyster Cracker will slip up when he thinks he is alone with Tim and Amanda will hear him. Isn't that how all the Dillon family secrets are found out? Oh and one more thing...welcome back Harold!!! You truly are a wonder dog. I think that maybe Derek should hire him for K-9 patrol. He has solved more crimes than the Pine Valley Police!

Eww Eww Eww, Brooke goes seductive this week. Brooke being seductive always grosses me out. So, does she want Jim or not?! What is her point? Why does she keep fending him off only to get all gross and trampy with him the next time she sees him? Does this really have anything to do with her not wanting Jamie to get hurt again? And really now, does Jim have a heart at all? I have to wonder. Now you all know that I really like Jim. And the reason I like him is that I think Roscoe Born is really great. But come on AMC, help me out here. The man is a sleaze, we know this. But for goodness sakes, he was in a plane crash. Did that not question his own mortality? Didn't being almost killed make him see that being a slimeball is not the way to go through life? Or did it make him think; hell, I could be dead tomorrow, might as well do all I can do, get all I can get, and not care who I crush in the process? I don't know, I just hope he's not all bad...give me something, some shred of decency with this guy! And please please please... don't make me witness another icky love scene between Brooke and Jim!! Whenever these two are doing the mattress mambo, I feel like I can't look away, yet my mind tells me to... my eyes must watch, then my stomach gets sick, then I feel like passing out.

Gloria, Gloria, Gloria. My, we just get more and more stupid by the day don't we? Just when you think it's not possible for her to be more of an idiot, she proves you wrong. So Dimwit gives her the primo opportunity to escape his lair by telling her that he is the man everyone loves to hate (too true Dimmie, too true) and doesn't want to drag her down with him. What does our genius Countess Nurse Gloria Marsh Chandler Marick say? "I love you Dimitri and I will never leave you!" Oh, make me ill!! Gloria honey, please tell me what happened to that brain of yours! Did your hair start to grow into your head and it's affecting your smarts? Perhaps your eyeballs have darted too hard and you've lost some of your senses? I just don't get her at all! She was, at one time, a reasonably intelligent person. Now who is she? Put her hair in two ponytails and she'd be Chrissy from Three's Company! Without a doubt, Gloria is this week's recipient of the I NEED TO BE SLAPPED Award. The reasons are obvious. It's her blind acceptance of everything Dimitri says. This week, she tells Tad (yet again) that one day he will be sorry for all the horrible things he's said about Dimitri. She still believes that not only Edmund, but Tad are crazy and telling lies about her beloved. Even after it was proved that Maddie was not Dimitri's, she still believes Dim when he says that Eddie and Tad are lying about him. OK Glo, whatever. From what I hear, Tad is going to track down Skye and try to get her to tell all about when Dimitri found out about Maddie not being his. Why Tad? So Gloria too can call her insane? Why would she believe Skye? She hasn't believed anyone but Dimitri. So how about the, hmmm what is it now, fourth scene where Maddie gets handed over to someone? Erica gets her from Esther, Maria gets her from Erica, Dimitri gets her from Edmund, Edmund gets her from Dimitri. Enough with playing musical parents with this kid! Thank goodness she is finally back where she belongs! And with a big party at Wildwind. First of all, let me just say that Maddie is the cutest and friendliest baby I have ever seen. What a scene stealer! Nice toast you had there Mateo. Let's see... you mentioned all that couldn't be there to celebrate with you: Papa, Noah and Julia, Rose and Grace, and of course Maria. I seem to notice a few glaring omissions there. How about Peggy? And what about Bobby and Anita. Nice job Mateo, you forgot your own sister! Not that I mind, I've been trying to forget about her too.