The Pine Valley Bulletin

Welcome to Pine Valley's only online newspaper!

Established 1998

August 29, 2005

In my last Editorial, I discussed the many stupid people that seem to be running around Pine Valley. Now a month later, I'm sad to report, stupidity is catching. So let's get down to business. First we have my tunes for this week. I'm going a little mellower than usual this week, starting with 10,000 Maniacs Unplugged, followed by Peter Murphy Holy Smoke, Nirvana Unplugged, Oasis What's the Story Morning Glory?and finishing up my 5 cd set, Lush Gala.

Babe devised a brilliant plan. She'll sleep with Josh, have Jamie catch them and he'll have no choice but to dump her ass and move on with his life of luxury courtesy of Aunt Phoebe. Granted, it matters not that both Brooke and Tad are loaded. It matters not that he supposedly has a trust fund. It matters not that if he REALLY wanted to go to college he could. All that seems to matter is JR being a jerk to him whenever possible. So in order for this to stop, Babe needs to take drastic action. The logic is so skewed it's ridiculous. "Gee, Jamie won't leave me so I'll hurt him as much as possible and make myself miserable in the process." Is this girl on glue or what? Well if she is, then so is Josh because he went along with this foolishness. But for Josh's part, at least he never was planning on sleeping with Babe. She seemed to think they would have to to make it authentic. Oh the sacrifices she'll make for the ones she loves.

Right on cue, Amanda, who is in on the plan, tells Jamie that she saw Babe get in Josh's car and followed them. They went to the Pine Cone, that mecca of clandestine meetings. After Jamie storms out, that double crossing little skank goes to JR and tells him all about what is going down. Well, I suppose she doesn't owe anything to Babe now, after she made it very clear she plans to sink her claws into Jamie once he dumps Babe. Which honestly was the only time I ever got the impression that Amanda was being real, and kind of liked that whole thing. Babe wasn't too happy about this and hopefully finally saw Amanda for the scheming little ho-bag she is. She should, it takes one to know one.

Once Jamie bursts in, Babe and Josh play it up and really pull out all the stops to make it look like they had done the deed. Jamie isn't buying it, but when Babe reveals her nekkidness, it all finally sinks in. Maybe not that she did it, but that she wants to get rid of him. I'm really not buying that Jamie thinks she slept with Josh. But he did lay into both of them, with JR arriving just in time to see the show. His joy at seeing Babe betray Jamie for himself was written all over his conceited face. Jamie kicks all but Babe out of the room. Outside of the Pine Cone, JR gives Josh some friendly advice about being checked for STD's. Josh replies to JR with this weeks LINE OF THE WEEK, "You're a smug jackass who messes with people's heads and screws with their lives." It's not like JR can deny any of it.

Back in the room, Babe tells Jamie that they've been over for a long time but he wouldn't see it and that they didn't have what he thought they had. I want to feel sorry for Babe, I really do. What she's doing must have been extremely difficult. But you know, I just can't get past the sheer stupidity of it all! Having the love of a wonderful guy, that's not enough? Jamie was right, he chose her, not the money. He wanted a life with her. It should have been enough. I get the guilt of being the one who prevented him from getting the money, but that's all she was preventing. She was not stopping him from going to school. Jamie did that. Jamie made his own choice, and now she made one for him. How is that better? It isn't. But Jamie is going along with it and calls JR and Amanda back into the room to tell them that he is through with Babe for good. JR acts like a creep, as usual, since he really doesn't know how to act any other way. And Babe tells them all to go to hell.

Once everyone else is gone, JR comes back. Evidently he's starting to wonder if it was all real after all. What was it that Babe said that tipped him off... oh yes, "And there they are - brothers once more, bonded over that whore Babe." JR asks Babe if she set everything up because she loves Jamie that much. Like Babe is just going to give him a real answer to that? Of course not, instead she invites him to her bed next. JR isn't buying it at all though. Babe tells him he better give Jamie everything now, money and college. Then tells him to get out and watch out, because he has no idea how far she will go to get her son back. An ominous warning. JR leaves and is more convinced then ever that Babe loves Jamie enough to set this whole thing up. And once he's gone, Babe finally breaks down with her own self inflicted pain.

Can I say "I told you so" now? Di is NOT Dixie. Never was Dixie, never was supposed to be Dixie, never was written to be Dixie. We know this now without a shadow of a doubt since brother Del Henry has rolled back into town. Isn't it funny how 10 years have passed since he have last seen Del and he's still 25!? Anyway, Di begged Del not to say anything in front of Tad. Tad was none too pleased to see Del and I was having a hard time figuring out the animosity there, thankfully Tad himself explained it. He blames Del for showing up out of nowhere to ask Dixie for a kidney, which then ruined their chances for having children. Gee Tad, selfish much? Ever hear the word adoption? Del needed the kidney to save his life. I hope there is more to it than that, because I have a hard time wrapping my hairdo around this being the only reason that Tad hates Del, because Dixie saved his life.

So what have we learned when Di and Del go to talk privately. Di did not grow up with Del, she was sent to live with an aunt who was loveless and cold. When Dixie's kidney that she donated to Del failed on him too, he went to find Di to see if she was a match. She was and she gave him hers too. At the time, they too barely knew each other. But Del told her stories of their other sister, Dixie. Detailed stories about places, people and dates. This is how Di knows so much. But Del tells her to stop lying to everyone and get her own life. But now she has love, a family and a home and doesn't want to give it up or hurt the people who love her. Del isn't going to let her continue this charade so he tells Tad straight away that she is not Dixie. Tad of course, because of this misplaced animosity, refuses to believe Del and thinks he's after money. Del tells him he's trying to do the right thing and eventually walks out. When Di arrives, she tells Tad that Del came looking for a hand out, just as Tad suspected. Oy, what a tangled web we weave when first we practice to deceive. Who said that? (Sir Walter Scott, found it on Google!)

Now that we know Erin Lavery a little more, I have to say, what a bitch! She's hiding a delusional and deranged Jonathan in a closet and since Ryan showed up to make sure she was OK, she's been nothing but a lying bitchy little wench to him. Some of the anger I get, but some I don't. She doesn't want Ryan to find Jonathan, OK. But she keeps blaming him for shooting Jonathan? Considering she knew all along what Jonathan was planning, how is Jonathan shooting Ryan and at him numerous times, poisoning Greenlee, killing Edmund and Braden (and Aidan's friend Steve too), kidnapping everyone to a cave and setting a bomb OK, but Ryan shooting Jonathan to save everyone else this horrendous act of betrayal? Where is the logic? Isn't it HER betrayal for never warning Ryan about Jonathan's plan in the first place? Or is she just as sick in a different way and since she blames Ryan for all that is wrong with her and Jonathan's lives, that what Jonathan was doing was ok? OH this girl needs a slap, so allow me to give her this weeks I NEED TO BE SLAPPED award. So angry is Erin at Ryan and so desperate to make him leave before he catches on to Jonathan being there that she calls Greenlee to tell her that Ryan is alive. But it's Kendall to the rescue who intercepts the call and believes it to be a sick prank. Ryan pleads with her that he is only trying to make sure she is safe and wants to try and start over. But Erin adamantly tells him that he may have controlled Jonathan's life, but he cannot control hers and that he will never do that to them again. Oops. Them? Ryan knows now that she's hiding something and starts to search her cabin. All the while she's yelling and screaming telling him to get out. It doesn't take long for him to find the hidden door in the closet where she has Jonathan locked up looking like a deranged lunatic. Oh wait, he is a deranged lunatic.

So what have we learned about this situation? Well, as I said above, Erin knew about Jonathan's plan to shoot Ryan at the casino. I guess she tried to stop him, but we know she didn't succeed and doesn't seem to care that he did it. She also met with him several times in Pine Valley. When she heard about what happened in the cave, she rushed to the woods and found that Jonathan had crawled out another exit of the mine and she took him to a backwoods doctor who wouldn't ask questions to get him stitched up then took him her cabin in Canada to nurse him back to health. Unfortunately she's failing miserably and he's an out and out wacko. Although he is happy to see Ryan. A little too happy. In fact before too long we realize that Jonathan thinks he's 10 years old and that Ryan has come back for him. Ryan and Erin play along so as not to agitate him further, but suddenly Jonathan is seeing their father Patrick instead of Ryan. It's something Ryan should understand well since he has gone through the same psychosis. Thinking Ryan is Patrick, Jonathan begs him not to hit him again, cringes and crawls into a corner to hide. It's disturbing and somewhat frightening and brilliantly played by the never gone Jeff Branson, this weeks PERFORMER OF THE WEEK. Erin tries to paint Ryan a picture of what life was like for them after he left and how she would do whatever she could to keep their father away from Jonathan. It's sad, but again... it's really not Ryan's fault these things happened. He couldn't have stopped Patrick anymore than either of them could. But like I said, I do understand some of the resentment of him getting out, but the extent of it makes about as much sense as Babe sleeping with Josh to give Jamie a better life. See... I told you stupid was catching. Ryan believes Jonathan needs more care than Erin can give him but Erin feels a sick sense of devotion and feels she owes it to Jonathan for him always being hit and her never touched.

For about two seconds this week we got to see Brooke. She merely had to tell Tad that it's a mistake for him to get back with Dixie and a mistake for Jamie to marry Babe. It's time once again for a USE THE VETERANS rant. Who's brilliant idea (Frons) is it that fans of AMC don't want to see anyone over 40 unless it's Susan Lucci? Now granted, I loves me some Lucci, but I want to see Brooke, Opal, Palmer, Myrtle, Joe, Ruth, Marian, Stuart, Mary. And I don't mean window dressing, I mean real honest to goodness storylines. What happened to the Glamorama? Is Marian even still married to Stuart? Does Mary live in Europe now or is she coming back to see her daughter through the grief of losing another husband and losing her baby? Is Ruth working at the hospital still? Does Myrtle still own the Boutique? Does Tempo ever do important stories anymore? Why isn't Brooke investigating the whole Dragon thing? Here's some unasked for advice from me to AMC. Utilize the wealth of talent you have in your over 40 set. You already missed the boat on doing an important and meaningful storyline for Ruth Warrick. Don't squander what you have right under your nose. Bring Brooke in on the Julia storyline. Keep Myrtle as everyone's surrogate mother, but highlight that more. Renew the feud between Palmer and Adam with this whole Di isn't Dixie thing. Highlight Joe as Jamie's mentor in becoming a doctor. Bring Mary back to help Greenlee. Give Stuart and Marian a story of their own, a health scare for one perhaps. Bring back the Glamorama and highlight Opal once again as the town busybody/gossip with a heart of gold. I'm here to tell you fans want them back!!!! What do you have to lose? You're ratings are already in the toilet.

Now that I got that off my chest, click HERE for the addresses to write to the show or the magazines to voice your opinion.

Julia's back and Kendall is not liking it. Those two always did hate each other, all stemming back from the Anton days. Interestingly, they fought over a guy neither of them really wanted, and nine years later, all that animosity is still there. Good! Nice use of history. We know they couldn't stand each other. If they suddenly were cordial it would have sucked. Kendall's got her knickers in a knot because Zach stumbled across Julia and now has made it his mission to help her, presumably to alleviate some of the guilt he feels for ruining Maria's life (which by the way, he didn't do). Kendall has offered Julia a large sum of money to slip out of town quietly and leave Zach out of her mess. Julia, for her part, didn't want Zach in her mess to begin with but making a bargain with Kendall isn't tops on her list either. Julia gets a call while Kendall is there and goes out of the room to talk to her friend Jimmy, who I have dubbed Loose Lips Jimmy. Then again, as we will see, Jimmy's lips aren't as loose as Kendall's! Kendall listens in as Julia makes plans to meet up with Loose Lips Jimmy at Wildwind. Julia asks her to keep Zach away from the meeting, which Kendall is more than happy to do, but Zach shows up anyway just as Loose Lips is about to show up. Kendall frantically calls Zach on his cell phone to tell him that someone was there looking for Julia and she was scared. It was a lie, of course, but Zach rushed to her. Me thinks this mutual concern Zach and Kendall have for each other will soon be blossoming into love.

Loose Lips shows up and before too long we find out that it was he who killed Noah, thus the nickname. He keeps calling Noah his best friend, but he sure has a funny way of showing it. Julia thought Loose Lips was her only friend, the one she and Noah counted on to be there for them no matter what. Turns out he double crossed them and was working for the Dragon all along. The Dragon. How dumb is that? Can't we be a little more creative AMC? The bad guys name is the Dragon... oh, I'm scared. Anyway, before too long Zach had realized that Kendall made up her story about someone looking for Julia and rushed back to Wildwind just in the nick of time to find Loose Lips holding a gun on Julia, apologizing for having to kill her. Zach plays up that he was sent by the main man (I don't think they know at this point that the main man is ridiculously called "The Dragon"). He tells Loose Lips that he will take care of Julia himself, tells him to hand over his gun and tries to send him off like a little minion. Loose Lips may have been born in the morning, but it wasn't yesterday morning and he refuses to leave until he watches Zach kill Julia. Just then, Kendall arrives, sees Jimmy with a gun on Julia and Zach and sarcastically declares, "Oh, my God, I knew Julia would get you killed" prompting Zach to grab the gun from Jimmy. A fight ensues, a shot is fired, Jimmy is hit. Julia tries desperately to help him but he's faltering. Before he can breathe his last breath, he says those fateful words, "The Dragon." So there it is, The Dragon is the bad guy after Julia. According to published reports, The Dragon is someone we already know. The speculations have been fun, but all I will say on the matter is that AMC is not known for making these things hard to figure out.

Trying to get their budding young romance (romance? On AMC? I'm confused, I didn't think this existed anymore!) back on track, Sam takes Lily to the Valley Inn for a breakfast date. Reggie, of course, wouldn't be Reggie if he wasn't spying on them. This is no exception. He has followed them to the Valley Inn and he spies on them from behind doors and whatnot. When Lily goes back up to the buffet, Sam calls Reggie out, knowing he was there all along, and tells him to back off. When Lily comes back to the table and sees Reggie, she is none too pleased. In fact, she's pretty upset that Reggie cannot let her go on a date by herself. Reggie finally gets it and tells them he won't do it again. Poor Reggie. He's had nothing at all to do except follow Lily around like the overprotective big brother since Dani dissed him with Josh. After breakfast, Sam and Lily head over to Wildwind to find some of his things. Zach and Julia hide and listen in to their adorable teen romance talk. Julia moved and realizes that she's putting innocent children in danger by being there. Lucky for them, Lily and Sam have gone down to the shed near the tennis court to try and find Sam's tennis racket.

After getting read the riot act by both Julia and Zach for interfering, Kendall again takes matters into her own hands and goes to Mimi, who is heading up the investigation into finding Julia. She tells them she knows where Julia is and she will tell them in exchange for the person who is helping her being granted immunity and that no one ever know it was she who told them. They agree, and she tells them where to find Julia. It's too late though, Wildwind is suddenly engulfed in a barrage of gunfire.

Random comments:

Babe and Krystal plot to get whatever information David has on Di(xie). I think David THINKS he has something on her, but he probably doesn't really. But how about this for a big yawner... Babe threatens yet again to cut David out of her life for good if he doesn't tell her what it is. And that makes how many times now that Babe has made this threat to David? 463? David must know what an empty threat it really is because he refuses to give her the information saying it will devastate JR and he will not let her take him on alone. Babe logic is that the worse the news is for JR the better. She plans on using his vulnerability at losing his mommy again to swoop in and get her son.

JR is ticked beyond belief when he walks in on Tad and Di in a kiss. Newsflash Junior, you have no say in who your faux mommy can date.

At Greenlee's, Erica finds a syringe hidden in Tempo magazine and immediately jumps to the conclusion that Dr. Madden is drugging Greenlee out of her grief. Really the syringe was for injections to enhance egg production so that they can fertilize her eggs with Ryan's sperm and then implant them in Kendall as a surrogate. Greenlee and Kendall do not want anyone to know this until Kendall is far enough along in the pregnancy. Dr. Madden had agreed to remain silent about it, which shouldn't be too difficult for him since it's called the Hippocratic Oath. Being a former pill popper, Erica rips into Dr. Madden for trying to get Greenlee hooked on drugs. Greenlee interrupts and says that not what he's doing, but Erica doesn't believe her. Greg creates a cover story about how he is doing a clinical trial on people with Greenlee's autoimmune response to pregnancy and is trying to find a way to reverse it so she can carry a child. Greenlee agreed to be part of the experimental treatment. Greenlee backs him up. Greg was pretty ticked about Erica's accusations so she apologizes and says she was just looking out for "her child." Wow, that was a huge step in the life and times of Erica and Greenlee!

As it turns out, Erica didn't believe them. She had squirted a small amount of the syringe into a tissue in her purse (while she had it in there before giving it back to Greg) and takes it to David to analyze for her. She has a very uneasy feeling about Dr. Madden, doesn't trust him and thinks he is up to something. David tells her that Dr. Madden has an impeccable reputation, something he can't relate to, to try and elevate some of her concerns. But in the end, he agrees to run some tests on the drug. After Erica leaves, David runs tests and realizes what Greenlee is up to.

Mimi's fiance Garrett seems to be an icky icky man and Dani is starting to notice. It only took him coming into her room while she was sleeping and hovering over her like a letch. He claimed to have heard a noise, but Dani isn't buying it. She's freaked out by his behavior with her. The way he looks at her, the way he talks to her, how he's always hugging her. EW. Dani was so skeeved that she totally missed the presentation she and Simone worked on for the new FUSION products. Funny... Kendall and Greenlee missed it too but that's besides the point. When Dani does finally arrive, Simone is at first ticked but then realizes something is wrong and gets Dani to confide what has been going on. But Dani doesn't know if she's just imagining things or not. It doesn't help any that everyone seems to really love this guy. He even won Livia over with his charm and smarm. They come up with a plan for Dani to bring Garrett to FUSION so that Simone can see how he acts around her first hand. Good in theory, stupid in reality. Dani does bring him by while Greenlee and Simone are there. They don't tell Greenlee anything about their plan so she can have an unbiased opinion. But Garrett isn't about to give up his pedophile tendencies in front of Dani's co-workers. And as if on cue, Garrett is charming and nice and Greenlee thinks he's just a nice guy and that Dani is overreacting due to her and Reggie's break up.

Jamie arrives at Chandler Mansion to claim his dough, his moola, his bread, his bucks, his cabbage, his cash, his greenbacks, his dinero, his funds, his riches, his stash, his wampum, his loot. Di is briefly thrilled that JR finally gave in, the silly woman. Jamie explains that JR did nothing, that he is through with Babe for good (just as Babe arrives for her weekly visit with Little Adam). Jamie wants the money signed over to him, he wants JR to start calling colleges and having him removed from the blacklists. Oh and while he's at it, lay off of Dr. Joe so Jamie can take the job he offered him at the hospital. JR agrees to all and has the lawyer draw up the necessary papers. JR tells Jamie that he has been where he is and will be there for him if he needs to talk. Jamie isn't welcoming JR back into his life with open arms though. He tells him to do what he has to do to get the money to him and then he never wants to see JR again. JR is shocked and tells him he handed him his dream. I don't really get that, since it's the Phoebster's money, not JR's, but whatever. I leave you with Jamie's parting words to JR: "Yeah, you did. But first you cut me open and tried to bleed me dry. I won't ever forget that. You think you have it all working for you. You have nothing. You have control of nothing. If you didn't have Little Adam, you'd have absolutely no worth on this planet. You're nothing but a pathetic, lonely loser." Ouch! That had to hurt, there's a lot of truth in it though.

This weeks AMC gets a D. Ratings are poor and it shows. The show is a shell of it's former self. More vets, more romance, more interesting and unpredictable mystery. You know it's bad when I don't even have a scene of the week!