The Pine Valley Bulletin

Welcome to Pine Valley's only online newspaper!

Established 1998

August 17, 2004

Well, I'm going "new school" today and filling up my CD player with stuff from this decade! Starting out with, The Strokes "Is This It?" followed by Jet "Get Born" then The Raveonettes "Chain Gang of Love" continuing with The Donnas "Spend the Night" and ending up with The Vines "Highly Evolved."

I'll give this Editorial a "14" rating (like TV show ratings) for language and inuendo.

We start our magical mystery tour of Pine Valley this week with Kendall faking a call from Bianca (actually it was really JR and she was helping him and Adam beat Ryan out of a business deal). Ryan heard Kendall tell "Bianca" that Zach is on the up and up and any paper he gives her to sign she should just sign it, no questions asked. Ryan, who has been suspicious of Zach since he had Erica committed in Las Vegas, dons his cape, jumps out the window and flies to Bianca's rescue. Now with Ryan not there to bring the deal to it's Cambias conclusion, Kendall intimidates Jonathan to such a degree that he ruins a takeover attempt, and the company in question goes to Adam and JR. Jonathan is just not too bright for someone who claims to have an MBA. I guess what they don't know is that Jonathan's MBA really stands for My Bogus Achievements and not Masters of Business Administration. Soon after the deal goes south, Ryan returns, knowing Kendall duped him and is then soon greeted by the Smug Twins, Adam and JR. They are willing to sign over the new company, Generatrix or whatever the heck it was, to Cambias in exchange for Chandler Enterprises. Ryan says no freakin way. And after they leave, it's the Cambias board members that show up at Fusion. At Fusion... isn't it funny how all the Cambias business, this multi gazillion dollar company business is handled out of a crappy warehouse? They should be conducting these big deals out of the palatial office suites of Chandler. I guess though, that Adam and JR couldn't have shown up there since they are, I think, barred from the building. Anyway, the board wants to fire Ryan for the screw up but before they can, Jonathan owns up to the mistake. Kendall berates Jonathan for being inept and for Ryan for hiring his brother. The board convenes to decide whether they should send the Lavery brothers packing.

Enter newcomer Ethan Cambias.. aka, Ethan Ramsey (even though he's never once used that name since arriving). He's a strapping (and TALL) young British fella who is claiming that he is the son of the (so we think) very dead Alexander Cambias Jr (Zach anyone?). Rumor has it that Ethan came to be when Alex Jr knocked up the maid. What is with these rich folks that they are always knocking up their maids... first we have Hugo Marick, knocking up maid Flora Greyshem to produce Edmund. Then in true Marick legacy fashion, a drunkin Dimitri knocks up Corvina Lang to produce Anton. Have we run out of ideas people? So Alexander knocked up Hannah, the maid, then Hannah who feared Alexander Sr, gave her kid to friend Edith, who took off with him to London, where he was raised, never knowing his true parentage until Edith told him on her deathbed, or some such thing. My my, how very neat and tidy. And what timing young Ethan has. After dropping the bombshell of who he is, Ryan and Greenlee immediately suspect that Kendall is behind this latest scam attempt. Kendall has the nerve to be outraged at their accusation. Come on now Kendall, even you have to realize this is exactly your MO. Anyway, Ethan produces an unfiled birth certificate and a letter from his mother to the woman who raised him. But did anyone catch this faux pas? As Ethan is handing the letter to Ryan he says, "This is a letter my biological mother wrote to my birth mum, edith." Ethan honey, a biological mother and birth mum are the same person. Ryan tells Ethan that if he is really an actual Cambias, then he will bow out and everything is his. But they will need more proof than an unfiled birth certificate and a letter from Hannah to Edith. Ethan says he is willing to take DNA tests, no problem. But there is a problem... there is no one to test him against. Supposedly Alexander Jr, was burned to ash in a car fire, Alexander Sr. was cremated and Ryan reveals that Michael's body cannot be recovered. Hmm... did Ryan just admit to abuse of a corpse?

After all the hub bub dies down and Ethan leaves, Ryan thinks that Ethan may just be on the up and up. He knew that Alexander added the grandchild codicil to his will and thinks the reason may have been because of Ethan because he had no idea before he died that Bianca was pregnant. Ryan heads to the police station to see if he can find information on Michael's previous DNA tests. Ethan had the same idea it seems and sees him there. It turns out that the Cambias files are missing from the police database. How can that be? And here's a weird one out of nowhere, Ryan accuses Jonathan of being behind it. HUH?

And over at Zach's office, one of the board members... Mr. Collins, turns out to be a Zach spy so he fills him in on the meeting and the arrival of Alex Jr's son. Hmm, Zach has a lot of interest in things to do with Cambias Industries doesn't he? And while we're on Zach... first he meets up with Ethan at the cemetery and later he shows up at the cliff where the plane crashed and she's reflecting there on how she "died," it being the seventh anniversary of the crash. Nice touch AMC... good use of the history. But how on earth would Zach ever know where that is and that Maria would be there? I guess that's besides the point... the guy is stealthy and sneaky. Maria just wants him to go away... or does she. Me thinks doth protest too much. They have an intense argument that leads to a bit of making out. Poor Maria, torn between loyalty to a man she devoted much of her life to, that she shares two children with, that she had this bond through her "death" and memory loss, that she supposedly loves with all her being, and a man she had a 6 months booty call with in the desert. She tries to get Zach to admit that he is in Pine Valley for more than just her, but all he will say is that he is there to right a wrong. She decides she's going to help Edmund and Aidan dig up as much dirt on Zach as they can. She wants him out of her life once and for all, again. I guess she's getting tired of taking cold showers.

Desperate Kendall is thrilled when she sees Erica is back in town. Erica is looking refreshed and beautiful and wants to reconnect with her family. Kendall couldn't be more thrilled to learn that Erica wants to help and immediately starts to fire off a strategy to destroy Ryan and Greenlee. What the nutball doesn't realize is that Erica wants to help Kendall get over it, not get revenge. Kendall isn't interested in giving up her vendetta.

Speaking of Kendall... she's got this skeevy plan of Bobby seducing Greenlee. It's kind of gives me the heebies watching her demand that Bobby sleep with Greenlee. Kendall has some serious issues. I think she needs a dose of reality from Dr. Phil, but since that isn't going to happen, she gets this weeks I NEED TO BE SLAPPED award. Bobby had told Kendall that he used her to get out of a jam, but now that his debt is paid off he will pay her off as soon as his investment comes in and that is that. Kendall, who's been teaming up with JR, is way ahead of Bobby and has doctored pictures of him canoodling with Greenlee that she threatens to show Anita. Bobby knows that Anita would never believe his side of the story, if those pictures were presented to her in the way Kendall is planning and tells Kendall that he is going to come clean to Anita himself.

Anita, it turns out, is planning this big romantic surprise for Bobby in the stable. Ahhh horse manure, the height of romantic ambience. And as Bobby tries to tell his newly giddy wife about Kendall's "business deal," Anita refuses to let him finish a sentence and keeps telling him not to worry about Kendall. Anita has gone from angry/betrayed/mistrustful to giddy/happy/in love in about 30 seconds, so I suspect she'll end up back in anger mode before all is said and done.

Random Comments:

Oh me oh my... Aidan's back!! What a sight for sore eyes!!
Reggie opens up to Danielle about his mother's involvement with Seth. Hey how great is Michael B. Jordan as Reggie!?      
I love that kid!

Bianca is surprised to find that Erica is attending a meeting of the rape crisis group that she has been attending from time to time. And just as Bianca is feeling she will never have the closeness with her mother that she once had, the two have the most powerful scenes as they share, bond and heal. Erica tells her story to the group which really helps Bianca to see the hurt and anger that Erica has had pent up for so many years. She shares how her pain consumed her and how she ran away when she finally remembered it all. She feels that it's now time to unbury that scared 14 year old girl and feel the feelings she never allowed herself to feel. She asks Bianca to forgive her for putting her own needs first. Erica assumes all the responsibility that she couldn't face before and blames herself for not protecting Bianca from Michael. Bianca tries to tell her that it wasn't her fault, but Erica says she should have realized that Micahel would come after since he had already tried to rape both Erica and Kendall. She also tells Bianca that she had no right to tell her that she should have an abortion. As Erica and Bianca bond over their shared trauma, I'm just too moved. These two women put on one hell of a SCENE OF THE WEEK. It continues as Bianca tries to tell Erica that she used Miranda to fill a hole in her heart and bury her pain. She feels that Miranda was taken from her because she was being selfish. Erica assures her that that is not the case and that her love for Miranda was always pure. She always loved that baby. Phew, those Kane women are always good for a few pass the tissues scenes.

After Liza overhears Adam and JR plotting against Babe and calls them on it... about 20 seconds later, JR has hacked into her computer and planted correspondence with a drug dealer that they will use to take Colby from her if she rats them out. But Liza still tries her darndest to help the very naive Babe who can not see that JR is the biggest asshole in all of Pine Valley, maybe in all of Pennsylvania. Liza gets this weeks PERFORMER OF THE WEEK award for her subtle hints to Babe that actually seem to make some kind of impression on her. Liza tells Babe that no matter what they say, the Chandler's view any betrayal as huge and she betrayed JR. In true Babe form, she tells Liza that JR has forgiven her. But Liza goes on to say that having a Chandler baby changes the rules and does her best to give Babe a heads up. Then Liza floors both me and Babe when she asks her if she did have a Chandler baby or if she has Bianca's baby. WHOA LIZA! She tells Babe that she has a theory that it was Krystal who changed the DNA results but that Tad insisted it couldn't be so she dropped it. Babe is standing there with her jaw on the floor. Through the accusations and pointing out of Babe's deceptions, Liza was trying to give Babe a heads up. Did Babe get the hint?

Jamie convinces Tad and Derek to send him to jail for jumping bail so he can be put in a cell with Seth wearing a wire to get him to crack and spill that it was JR who bought the drugs and slipped them to Babe. Brooke is not happy about this, but eventually gives in and they watch from a closed circuit TV in Derek's office. Jamie certainly asserts himself from the get go and bullies Seth immediately. Good move, Jamie doesn't want to be viewed as someone who has a fear of the dweeby little Seth, even though everyone insists he's a badass. Jamie taunts and teases Seth with the idea that JR double crossed him, used him and is going to leave him to rot in jail. Seth gets hot under the collar, but doesn't crack.

Over at the Chandler house, JR freaks when he sees Bianca is there and is holding Bess. Bianca asks him what is going on and says she thought he was ok with her now. He covers by saying he's so stressed out about the Jamie situation. Then the pig goes on to tell Bianca that Babe is being standoffish with him and pulls away from him in bed. He goes on and on about how he is afraid Babe is starting to believe everyone. He's just so incredibly gross I can't even stand it. Bianca is listening but you can see the "Um, too much information JR" look on her face. He even goes as far to tell Bianca that Babe called him Jamie while they were in bed.

Meanwhile, Krystal is with Babe telling her that she is starting to believe Tad, Jamie and David. She tells Babe that Jamie didn't really jump bail but that he's in jail trying to get Seth to spill the beans. Babe runs straight to JR and tells him this news. Doh! Krystal is none too pleased with Babe for spilling and she may have put Jamie in a lot of danger now. But Babe said she needed to see JR's reaction. JR's reaction was to hightail it out of there and head straight to the prison.

Lucky for Babe, Bianca isn't buying it at all and confronts Babe with what JR has told her. JR, JR, JR... you don't know much about girlfriends do you? We tell each other EVERYTHING!!! Loser. Babe, Krystal and Bianca start to piece together that JR has been lying all along. Babe and Krystal are getting panicky as it becomes more and more clear that as they kept Miranda for JR's sake and JR has been duping them all along.

Over at the prison, Seth is getting angry, but he hasn't spilled anything about JR yet. Tad takes matters into his own hands and goes to the cell posing as Seth's new attorney. Let me interject here by saying this... Seth and Jamie are not in a holding cell, they are in prison. Visitors do not go to the cell, they go to a meeting room. Another detail we're not supposed to notice I guess... they call it dramatic license. Anyway, Tad tells Seth he is his new lawyer, Thaddeus J. Darrow and indicates that there is no deal on the table. Tad delivers this weeks LINE OF THE WEEK when he tells Seth, "Apparently, the drug deal went down at some other time what you said it did, which automatically calls into question your implication of a Mr. Martinez -- Martini -- Martin." Ahh Tad, even when he's in a tense situation, he pulls out the funny lines! He leaves Seth to ponder if JR has really double crossed him. And wouldn't you know, right on cue, JR arrives. Brooke, Tad and Derek start to panic... he shouldn't even know that Jamie is there! But he is smug as ever, taunting Jamie about jumping bail. He tells Seth that the deal is still on of course, but Seth is in such a state of panic at this point that he grabs JR and threatens him, spilling everything for Derek and everyone else to hear. Jamie jumps to JR's rescue and pulls Seth off him, why I'll never know. But when he falls back, Jamie's shirt opens and the wire is revealed. Now Seth is going apeshit on Jamie. Tad and Derek race to get him out of that cell and Derek calls for back up. Brooke watches the TV screen in horror as a fight between Jamie and Seth ensues. Seth stabs Jamie in the gut and tells him that no one ever double crosses him. Brooke screams as she watches her son fall to the floor with a handful of blood. JR stands there in shock. Oh man, that was the best Friday cliffhanger I have seen in ages!!

This weeks AMC gets a B+ ... can you feel it? We're getting to the light at the end of the baby switch tunnel!!