The Pine Valley Bulletin

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Established 1998


August 9, 1999

Let's first discuss this miserable excuse for a funeral that AMC gave to Dimitri. Oh pardon me, there was no funeral! At least not one that we got to see. They can yammer on and on about how they have no money, and they can't make new sets and boo hoo hoo but they couldn't have a funeral for Dimitri??? Ever hear of something called the Wildwind Chapel? The set is already there, why couldn't they show us Dimitri's funeral!? This makes me ill. And fine, so they couldn't get Rudolf Martin (Anton) or Margaret Sophie Stein (Corvina) or Season Hubley (Angelique) to make a special appearance, goodness knows they must all be so busy, so they alluded to them all being there. I accept that. But just where on earth was everyone else? Excuse me this is DIMITRI we're talking about! Big time prominent citizen of Pine Valley. Where was Assholeo? Where was Mama and Rosa? Where was Raquel and Damien? They lived at Wildwind for some time, they could have at least made an appearance. Where was Tad and Dixie? Adam, Liza, Stuart, Marian, Opal, Phoebe, Belinda, Adrian, Joe and Ruth. Did anyone call GloHo and tell her? Did anyone get a message to Noah and Julia? OK, maybe Adam, Stuart and Marian had already left for the Queen's slumber party but what about everyone else? TPTB at AMC get this weeks I NEED TO BE SLAPPED award for giving Dimitri one of the lamest send offs ever.

Backing up a bit, we saw some flashbacks this week of Dimitri and Alex. First was their wedding. Dimitri was absolutely giddy and spoke from the heart about how much he loves Alex. Then when Alex speaks, we see what could be construed as another hint to a) her being Anna Devane and b) Dimitri not being dead but being very ill. When she spoke, she said something like, "I was hiding and you gave me the courage to live again." Hmm, hiding? Was she really hiding or was that just metaphorically speaking? And during her vows she tripped up on the words "in sickness and in health" and then she laughed when she had to say "worldly possessions." Are we to take that to mean she has none? Because Eddie will find that out quick enough, and then we'll have the old gold digger storyline to look forward to.*yawn*

Now some of the hints that lead to Dimitri's not being dead, but being ill. 1) During the vows Alex had that trip up on "in sickness and in health" as I mentioned already. Then, when she and Eddie are talking and Ed nonchalantly mentions a private viewing for the family, Alex gets a little hot under the collar, but doesn't say anything. After Eddie leaves, she calls the twitchy doctor, Dr. Silbert and tells him that she needs his back up in getting the family to accept that the casket cannot be opened. He's in cahoots with her. You know what this is all looking like? Like a big cover up. I wouldn't even be surprised to find out some time that Mike Roy had his hand in this too. They were friends after all. So then, Alex tells Peggy and Eddie that the casket cannot be opened and that this was one of Dimitri's wishes. They are both upset, and Peggy came close to giving us a line of the week when she was talking about Hugo's casket being open and said, "Hugo wasn't much to look at, but at least I got to tell the old sod what I thought of him."

Gillian walks in on Alex almost pleading with Ed and Peg to respect Dimitri's wishes and tells them all she agrees with Alex. Then Gillian relays an incredible story from her childhood and seeing her mother dead in a casket and how traumatic it was for her. She told it with such emotion that Peggy went to her and embraced her. Gillian has come so far, and Esta even farther. You know, when she first came to the show, I had no use for her at all and she's now developed into one of my favorite characters on the show. And she gets this weeks PERFORMER OF THE WEEK award. Later, Peggy asks Gilly if Ryan is coming to the funeral, but Gilly doesn't know. I guess she figured Hayley would have told Ryan about Dim, but Hayley is too wrapped up in her own pitiful life to mention it so he doesn't even know. Peggy know that Gilly needs Ryan there so she calls him herself and tells him about Dim. Ryan is there for Gillian and again I'm struck with... just why is it these two aren't together?

At the uh, after funeral? Alex goes to thank Erica for being there and Erica sticks her claws out and hisses a big meow at her. Tsk tsk Erica, you may not like her and even think she's a fraud, but a little decorum would be nice. Then in a private moment with Myrtle, Erica suddenly sounds like a five year old, saying Dimitri loved her more than he could ever love Alex! nah nah and stuck out her tongue. Alex remained calm, cool and collected through it all. Then Eddie says a few words about Dim. He says that he is a better man because of Dimitri. Which makes sense to me. But when he says that when Maria died, Dimitri kept him sane I'm thoroughly confused. Did he keep Eddie sane by trying to get custody of Maddie or was it by running off to Budapest, Maddie in tow?

After sleeping on the couch at Ryan's, Hayley wakes up and Ryan is already gone. She's still in that stupid looking shirt that looks like a sack when the doorbell rings. It's Gilly, who sees Hayley and tries to flee. But Hayley stops her. Hayley apologizes to Gilly and she coldly accepts. She then tells Hayley about Dimitri after realizing that Hayley doesn't know yet. Heartbroken, Gillian sits down and talks to Hayley about Dimitri. I really liked the friendship that was developing between Gilly and Hayley and this scene kind of gave me hope that maybe someday they can be friends again. Of course, that thought was shattered later... but I'll get to that.

In the meantime, Ryan is trying to reach Assholeo. He phoned him, but Assholeo hung up on him. So the next thing we know, Assholeo is at Raquel's and she is telling him that she and Max are going to Texas to see her parents. Assholeo decides he should go with them, for what reason? I haven't a clue. I think it's because he's an asshole, but I'm not positive. Then Assholeo is at Trevor's looking for Hayley. Trevor lays into him big time. Then I just laugh at Assholeo's utter stupidity when he asks Trevor if he'd be able to forgive something like that. Hey dork! Trevor forgave Janet a lot worse than kissing some guy and he told Assholeo that. Duh. When they realize that Hayley didn't spend the night at Trevor's, Assholeo jumps to all kinds of conclusions and when they tell him about Dim and how Hayley might have spent the night at Wildwind, he feels like the Assholeo he is.

At the same time, Ryan stops by Raquel's looking for Assholeo. She pieces things together during their conversation and I'm struck by how Raquel reacts to finding out that Ryan and Hayley kissed. She's less than sympathetic. Now I don't think that Ryan and Hayley need sympathy, but Gillian seems to be the only one who understands it at all. It's really odd. Like it's the be all, end all of the universe that Ryan and Hayley kissed. Raquel tells Ryan that they betrayed Assholeo. Oh yeah, he's such a stand up guy. Blech!

Over at Wildwind, Hayley is there and is still wearing the ugly sack shirt when Asshole arrives. They hug, and communicate and connect and talk about Dim. But, suddenly his tune changes when he realizes that Hayley did not spend the night there either. She tells him she slept on the couch at Ryan's, but of course, he doesn't believe that. Things go from ugly to uglier as he calls her a liar and they fight and of course he takes zero blame for anything because, heck, he's perfect don't you know. So then Hayley speaks in this gun type analogy about how she had a loaded gun to her head and he talked her into handing him the gun, but she never thought he would use it to shoot her down himself. His reply of "Bang, you're dead to me" clinched his status of biggest asshole in the universe and at this point I'm wishing Hayley would kick him in the family jewels with one of those platform shoes she always wears. Then it occurs to me that a slap just isn't good enough for him this week. So he gets a special award... THE I NEED TO BE STRAPPED TO A DENTAL CHAIR AND HAVE MY PEARLY WHITES YANKED OUT ONE BY ONE WITH ABSOLUTELY NO NOVACAIN AWARD. And he does even more to earn this treatment when Ryan finally does go to see him and he's a total jerk to Ryan and talks about Hayley as if she's nothing more than a two bit tramp who occupied his time for a few years. Ryan did get one good one in though. He told Assholeo that Hayley stood by him through everything that happened with Raquel and Max and now that their relationship is facing a real test, he failed.

Hayley is boo hoo hooing at another AA meeting. She's teetering on the brink and you know, at this point I just wish she would dive into the bottle head first. It's sickening already! All she does is whine. Pick yourself up and get on with your life!! Everything that Assholeo has done and said to her should be motivation enough to quit feeling sorry for herself. And right about now I'm thinking, if she ever ever even has a thought of going back to him, I will lose what little respect for her I have left. This guy is the epitome of abusive! So after the meeting, Axel, who I just adore and am so glad that AMC keeps him around, talks her down. And when she says, "I don't deserve Mateo," I think my foot almost went right into the TV to kick her myself. Lucky for Axel, he gets a page from Brooke and when he goes to call her, Hayley disappears.

And where do you think she went. Come on everyone...say it with me. RYAN'S! She's a mess, but at least she's not wearing the sack anymore. She's feeling sorry for herself, yet again. She's telling Ryan how unworthy she is of anything and Ryan tells her how wonderful and beautiful she is. She's eating it up. She's got that wide eyed innocent look like she's thinking... me? I'm beautiful? No, tell me more! She's got her undies in a knot because she thinks Mateo is getting back together with Raquel. Why would she even care about that is beyond me, but Ryan tries to tell her that the trip is not what she thinks. Suddenly Hayley jumps on Ryan like he's a vodka bottle and tries to rip off his shirt like it's the cap. Luckily Ryan backs off. There's that wide eyed innocent look again when she asks, "don't you want me?" I'm not pleased with Ryan's response to that... something like, "I want you so much I can rip your clothes off and throw you on the bed right now." Better watch those kinds of things Ryan, you were accused of rape once you know.

Hayley takes off and goes nutty after Ryan rejects her. She ends up back at Trev's and they are all gone. She starts having a dream about Arlene telling her that she'll always be nothing and unloved. Oh oh oh, did I love Arlene! I wish she was still around or would come back. She was awesome. I guess Hayley's downward spiral will continue since there really seems to be no end in sight with this. Ick.

Alright, let's shift gears and talk about Tad sitting around in some funky jammies and crumbling up a Snickers bar in his cereal. Yuck! While he's doing that, Scott and Becca show up and start to film him, which doesn't sit too well with Tad. Dixie on the other hand is all ready to play June Cleaver for the cameras. Is there a more boring storyline right now than this documentary? Sheesh, what a snooze. And they keep showing up to film Tad and Dix even though Tad is annoyed and doesn't want any part of it. After finally getting rid of Scott and Becca for awhile, Dixie hands Tad a plate of what she calls Snicker Doodles. But I got news for you Dix, Snicker Doodles are not rice crispy treats with chocolate on top. I'm jumping around here I know, but there's not much of this storyline so I'm cramming it all together. Tad goes to see David, and he's ticked. He wants David to tell Dixie to end the pregnancy. Dixie shows up and is confused as to why Tad is there at all. What confuses me is why Dixie is so sure she's having a girl.

Janet and Trevor get a telegram from Tim saying that he's getting married. It's all a part of this big ploy that Amanda has to send Janet and Trev on a honeymoon. She even made plans to stay with Brooke while they are gone. Amanda wants Trev and Janet to go to Paris to stop Tim, but when they get there it would have been all a big plan to get them on vacation. But they keep finding reasons not to go. But with Brooke's help, and a little help from Axel, it finally comes together. Axel phones Trevor pretending to be the father of Tim's fiance. He even put on a moustache and beret to get into the character and tells Trev that they are getting married at the "Sacred Chapel of Jerry Lewis!" Good one Axel! This weeks SCENE OF THE WEEK takes place at the airport, when Janet discovers that it's Axel on the phone talking to Trevor and rips off his beret and moustache, to which Axel has another good one, "Pay no attention to the man behind the curtain." Finally, Amanda explains the whole story and off Janet and Trevor go on the honeymoon they never had. You know what happens now? They will come back eventually and tell Amanda that Tim has decided to stay in Paris and won't be coming back. The writing is on the wall for that one!

Adrian goes over to see Belinda to see why she's been avoiding him. Belinda is a little standoffish and basically breaks up with Adrian. Is she mad!? Oh wait, go ahead Belinda, I'll be glad to pick up where you left off! No no, that's not right either. I want her to stay and have a great relationship with that big fine hunk of a man. Of course, that's not to be because of the idiots in charge. But I digress. Adrian isn't having any of this break up talk and he just won't let her ditch him. They are partners. Then he talks about how he and Mike were partners and Belinda chimes in with her and Trevor being partners. Which isn't exactly what Adrian was thinking, but his reply earns this weeks LINE OF THE WEEK when he says, "I'm not sure I'm up to being a wise cracking white dude." I can't believe that AMC is going to abandon this fabulous duo. Ugh, it makes me sick!

Write letters people!

Well, last but not least... Erica has decided that she is ready to move on. She had always had a bit of hope (as did I Erica, as did I) that she and Dimitri would reunite. But now that that is impossible, she's ready to take a big leap forward. Off she goes to see David. And he's ready, willing and able to take care of her. Mmm hmmm, I see where this is headed.

This week's AMC gets a D for their mistreatment of Dimitri's send off, shame on you AMC! And the only reason they didn't get a complete F was because we got to see Axel.