The Pine Valley Bulletin

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Established 1998



August 3, 1998

Who would have thought? Ryan is actually the brains of the operation between Mateo, Hayley and Edmund. Well, I can see him being brainier than Mateo or Hayley, but Edmund? No one but Ryan ever thought to question Camille's claim that her father was dead. They didn't believe one word out of her mouth, but that they believed. And Mateo with his condescending little attitude at Ryan when he suggested it? Nice. So just how long will it be until they figure out that Lee and John are the same person? Should have been immediate after they realized that Lee was alive since John is ever present. But I'm sure it will take more time for them to realize this, and as I predicted, Myrtle gets in on this story. You go Myrt!!! It's only logical that they seek out her help since she's the only one they know with a carnie background. Now we just need to get everyone on the same page. Ryan is helping and Gillian should put her idiotic jealousy aside. Speaking of, how about that dorky dream sequence she had? Ugh! Well, not a complete ugh, some of it was rather amusing. Like how Ryan dropped Hayley right on her butt! Or how when he said to go back to Mateo, Hayley said something like, "oh but you're twice the man Mateo is!" And of course, the best part of the whole thing... Ryan whipping his shirt off. Woof. And anyway, how did Gillian get back to Wildwind in her robe? And damn she gets around great for someone who just had surgery. But back to the danger for a minute. This week the whole carnival thing starts to take shape. Hayley will make a potentially life threatening decision when she receives those tickets to the carnival. Will she stupidly decide to go to that carnival and confront Lee on her own? Or will she be the bait that lures Lee? I guess we'll have to wait on that one. I'd like to say that even Hayley isn't stupid enough to go to the carnival by herself, but I'm just not so sure about that. And speaking of stupid, Mateo reached new heights of stupidity this week when he, after telling Hayley her life is in danger, sneaks up on her while she's taking a shower. Brilliant move Rudolpho. And then, while in the midst of danger and death looming over them, they take a disgusting bony shower together. I think Hayley needs to join Bianca at anorexia day camp. She's nothing but bones and it's really gross. Oh and Mateo, next time you decide to jump in the shower, take off your watch... they work better when they aren't wet. Unfortunately they aren't finished yet, they decide to go for a skinny dip. Thank goodness AMC is shown after lunchtime or I might have just lost my appetite through all this. Will they find Marian? Nope, Marian is going to be holed up in that mausoleum all of next week and probably part of the week after if not the whole one. I do have a guess on who will find her though... the kids. Jamie, Junior and Amanda. I'm not exactly sure why they would be at Wildwind, but why is anyone at Wildwind. Maybe Peggy is babysitting while everyone is at Brooke's trial.

I'm not even going to mention the impossibility of Brooke getting back to Pine Valley and in that isolation room before everyone gets there to sneak a peak at her, Concord or not. Uh, I guess I just mentioned it. OK, since I did, let's back up a minute. Tad finds Brooke in the Ukraine and she refuses to come back. Nice things she's teaching her kid. First Tad tells Jamie... sometimes you just gotta kill. Then Brooke teaches him that if things don't go your way, then running is not a bad idea. Man that kid is going to be messed up. So Janet figures out that Kelsey is hiding out in the isolation room and what I don't get is 1) why she goes in there, 2) suggests to Kelsey that she die, well that "Brooke" dies, and 3) why Janet seems to be blaming Kelsey for the whole masquerade. Taken one by one... I know Janet thought she was saving Trevor's career by confronting the Brooke impostor. Fine, got that. But what was she thinking by saying that Brooke would have to die so that Keith and the Judge can't see her? What happens when Brooke shows back up in town? Or was Janet just planning on Brooke never returning? And why was Janet giving Kelsey such a hard time about playing Brooke? She acted like Kelsey took it upon herself to sit in an isolation room for days with a wig on. Why didn't she confront Joe or Jake instead of lying to security and going into the room? Now don't get me wrong, Janet's my girl. I love her. I'm sick that she's got nothing else to do than obsess on Brooke's trial. I just don't get her participation in all this. Especially how, when they all arrived at the hospital to see Brooke: Keith, Judge Foster, Trevor, Belinda and Jack, that Janet just automatically got the protective gear too and was able to go in there. Is she now co-counsel with Trevor and Belinda? And ta da! Brooke is actually in that bed.

This weeks I NEED TO BE SLAPPED award goes to Adam. Sure I thought about giving it to Allie, but Adam is much more deserving this week. Once Allie told him about Liza and Jake's plan, he does the typical Adam move and buys the fertility clinic. That's his solution to everything... throw money at it. Then he gets the brilliant idea to switch his sperm sample with Jake's so that when Liza is inseminated, it'll be by him. I was tormented all week by a visual too gruesome not to share. Adam goes to the clinic like all the other men have and has to get that sample. Now, when Ryan went there it was a big production and he triumphantly came out of his cubicle with his sperm. When Jake went, it was rather low key. Now when Adam goes into probably the same little room to uh... pleasure himself, do you suppose he took Playboy or Penthouse out of the rack? Nope, my guess is that Adam boinks himself to Forbes or Wall Street Week. At any rate, he's there after the clinic closes and for some odd reason so is Allie. She tries to talk some sense into him, but Adam has other plans. He seemed to kind of brainwash her or hypnotize her. She looked like she was in a trance when he was talking about how he's got a lot of influence and can get her license back. She meekly mentions Palmer Cortlandt and Adam throws out this weeks LINE OF THE WEEK, "Palmer Cortlandt is a pompous nincompoop." How I love the rivalry between those too. But that's neither here nor there. Adam tells Allie his delusional plan of how Liza will get inseminated with his sperm and be so deliriously happy that she's pregnant. And then when the time is right, he will tell her that he's actually the father of her baby and she'll fall into his arms happily ever after. And then Jake will be free to be with Allie. Uh yeah. That'll happen. The worst part is... Allie buys it all! She goes ahead and helps Adam do the switch. Back at Myrtle's after the deed is done, Jake shows up to try and make amends with Allie. Why? I have no idea. I guess he's a glutton for punishment. And right about now he has to be wondering why all his women are total loons. Allie is exhibiting shades of Emily Ann, which prompts Jake to tell Allie that maybe she should get therapy. And why not? She's been through a lot. But what does this once, as she called herself, "brilliant doctor" say to that? She jumps right to the conclusion that Jake thinks she's nuts. Since when do "brilliant doctors" think that going into therapy makes you a crazy person? I mean, she is a raving lunatic, but she doesn't know that! Even more than a lunatic, she's a schizo! One minute she's apologizing to Liza, telling her that she was so wrong, the next minute she's threatening her. Yes, Allie was on the right track when she told Jake that she's a lunatic with no mind.

I don't have much to say about the Tad and Dixie, let's feel uncomfortable whenever we are in the same room bit. I like the flashbacks though. But what I don't understand is why this week Dixie is all jealous of Liza when she shows up. Isn't Dixie engaged? I distinctly remember, and I think I've talked about this once already, that when Gloria went to Pigeon Hollow to get Dixie's blessing for her to date Tad, she came back with the news that Dixie was engaged to some guy named Jonas. So where is he?

Without further ado, this weeks PERFORMER OF THE WEEK, Marian! She was awesome! Not that she isn't usually, but more so this week. In fact, she's been so great that TPTB at AMC must be kicking themselves for not putting her on contract sooner! I loved how she and Stuart finally really talked to each other and understood each other. It was great to see them getting past all the misunderstandings. I loved how Stuart called Marian, an artist at love. Stuart tells Marian that John might be up to no good, and then leaves her alone. That was kind of confusing. When "John" shows up at the gallery, Marian made no secret about her sudden fear of him, that wasn't all that bright of a move. But when Lee came after her, that scream that Marian let out was positively bloodcurdling! Then he brings her to the mausoleum and we see that creepy scene of Marian on that concrete slab. Eww. Marian is starting to get the picture of what is going on when Lee calls her Joy. Lee is actually a close second this week for performer of the week. He's so good at being a psycho. Unfortunately for Marian, she figures out who he is and what he's up to, too late. He's set up a little home for Camille in the mausoleum and intends to keep Marian, who he thinks is Joy, there until all the Chandler's are taken care of. Stuart first. Well, when Marian here's this she becomes a woman possessed and dives on Lee! She was incredible! No one, and I mean no one is going to come between her and the happiness she can finally have with Stuart, especially some loony like Lee Hawkins! Oh she attacked him like she was a lion and he was a gazelle! She was taking no prisoners, she would save her man! Well, unfortunately Lee overpowered her, left and did attack Stuart. But Marian will get another chance to get Lee... unfortunately he'll win again and knock her out. And while I have hopes that Stuart will be the one to save her, I do think the kids will find her. Call me crazy, it's a hunch.