The Pine Valley Bulletin

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Established 1998


August 21, 2000

I'm looking at my notes for the week and I'm thinking... what a mess! Where on earth do I start. And the winner is... Brooke and Eliot. Have I mentioned lately how terrible I think this whole thing is? No? Well it is. I hate it. I think it's disgusting. OK, I'm ahead of myself. Eliot asks Brooke what she wants and in response, Brooke sticks her tongue down Eliot's throat. Brooke immediately gets embarrassed and apologizes for this little breech in etiquette. But Eliot was digging that kiss. Brooke gets that nervous talking thing and tries to explain to Eliot how she doesn't go around kissing all the Reverends she meets. Eliot shuts her up by planting his own kiss on her.

Things calm down and Brooke and Eliot talk about their respective childhoods in Pine Valley. Kudos to AMC for this very wonderful use of AMC history as Brooke tells Eliot about her wild days hanging out all night with Benny Sago. Then things get a little hotter as Eliot wraps his arms around Brooke while teaching her to skip stones. But when Brooke says something about those being without sin cast the first stone, Eliot gets hot under the collar and leaves in a hurry, using the old, "I have a meeting I forgot about" excuse. As it turns out, Brooke did too and doesn't notice this time that Eliot is in a panic.

Eliot goes back to the church and finds Reverend Taylor there and tells him that he couldn't tell her the truth. Reverend Taylor isn't too happy about this. But Eliot tells him that he thinks he is falling in love with Brooke, so how could he tell her that he killed her daughter. I call this moment the "Groan Heard Round the World." I can't help but wonder if there has been a storyline more contrived and stupid. I'm sure if I put my mind to it, I might think of one (like Mike Roy rising from the ashes), but right now this is way up there on the horribly stupid list. Eliot goes on to explain to Reverend Taylor and to us how, back then he was known as Josh Walenski *groan* and was sent to prison after he killed Laura while driving drunk. *groan* Then he tells the Rev. about how child killers are not looked upon too highly in prison and he was beaten up so many times that he had to have reconstructive surgery. *BIG HUGE GROAN* Can you believe it!!! They did give him the Janet Green Miracle Makeover!!! I'm sickened and disgusted by this. The new name was taken to go with his new life. Oh my, I can't even express my total disappointment in the writers of AMC for this one. They get this weeks DIXIE COONEY MARTIN COMMEMORATIVE SLAP award for actually thinking this nonsense was a good idea. Shame on you!

Cut over to the Valley Inn where Brooke is beaming and giddy after her afternoon on the beach with Eliot. She can barely contain herself and Edmund asks her what is going on. Brooke tells Edmund that she thinks she may be falling in love with Eliot. Edmund is so happy for her that he tells her he's proposing to Alex. The two have a happy go lucky lunch, that is until Arlene walks into the Valley Inn. She saunters past Brooke, makes some snide Arlene type remark which launches Brooke into a tirade about how there should be a special place in hell for people who drive drunk. Brooke goes on to say how her life has not been so great since Laura's death. I'm sure glad Jamie didn't hear her say that!

And back at the church, Eliot is telling the Rev. how he wants to be forgiven but he doesn't want Brooke to have to relive the horror either. Reverend Taylor isn't going to sit by and let Eliot be wishy washy on this, he tells him that he has to tell Brooke the truth or he will. Oh now Rev. Taylor, let's not get all puffed up and tough, everyone knows that Eliot's confession to you is confidential and you can't tell Brooke! Eliot tells him that he wants to share his new life with Brooke. But the Rev. tells Eliot that he cannot continue his relationship with Brooke because it's based on a lie. He tells him that he will have him transferred if he can't tell her the truth.

Later at the church, we see Dimitri there. Why he's not at Seaview Hospital, I'm not sure. It seems he has gotten a treatment then came back to lurk around Pine Valley and listen to Dixie nag at him a little more. Speaking of, Dixie enters the church and sees him there. He tells her how much he loves Alex, which is just an invitation for more Dixie lectures I think. Dimitri tells Dixie that he wants to be with Alex but he's not sure if it's the right thing to do for her since she's started over and is happy again. Dixie, who knows that Edmund is going to propose to Alex, urges Dimitri to go to her. Dimitri agrees that he will, but he wants to talk to all his doctors first and see how much more treatment he will need. Dixie tells him not to wait, GO NOW!

In the Wildwind ballroom, home of the Crystal Ball, we are treated to the MOST VOMIT INDUCING SCENE OF THE WEEK, as Edmund, Sam, Maddie, Alex and God only knows why, Mateo and Hayley, recreate Shakespeare's "A Midsummer Night's Dream." Edmund must have dropped a small fortune on this very elaborate proposal. Which I guess explains why she got such a crappy looking ring. Anyway, everyone seems to have a great time with the whole set up, and oddly enough, Alex isn't the least bit curious as to why all this is going on, she just goes along with it. But when Hayley and Mateo take the kids out, Edmund goes over to Alex in his assface, er, I mean wearing a donkey head. As he pulls it off, he gives Alex the ring and proposes. She accepts. I hurl.

Dimitri arrives at Wildwind just in time to see Edmund and Alex explain their engagement to the kids. It's really quite unusual that Dimitri went to the ballroom to find Alex I think. But even more bizarre is Alex telling Sam and Maddie how she's going to be their new mummy but doesn't want to replace their old mummy. Dimitri watches the whole thing and realizes he cannot mess up her happily ever after. You know this being noble and honorable thing is starting to wear thin. Dimitri leaves and presumably spends the night at the church.

The next morning Eliot finds Dimitri in the church and the two start to talk. Dimitri decides to kind of confide his problem to Eliot and asks him if he should tell the truth and cause pain or if he should walk away and not hurt the ones he loves. Eliot gets really edgy and thinks that Dimitri was sent by Reverend Taylor to test him. Dimitri assures Eliot that he's never even met Reverend Taylor and that they seem to be sharing a similar problem. Dim and Eliot talk and as Dimitri shares his dilemma and asks God for help on what he should do, I'm so moved by Dimitri that he gets this weeks PERFORMER OF THE WEEK award. It's funny, I'm not really too fond of this whole storyline, and wish Dimitri would just show himself already. But at the same time it's completely within Dimitri's character to be this honorable as he tells Eliot that honor is the only thing he knows. Michael Nader continues to amaze and enthrall me in a storyline that is less than enthralling. After talking it out with each other, it seems that Eliot and Dimitri have made their decisions on what to do. Dimitri calls Dixie to meet him. Eliot calls Brooke.

Over at Wildwind, Dixie has arrived with papers that David sent over for Alex to sign. She's so solemn and serious, thinking that Dimitri showed himself. Edmund is giddy as a school boy because Alex has accepted his proposal and Dixie doesn't seem to notice that at all. She tells Edmund this must be such a difficult time for everyone, while Edmund is bouncing off the walls with glee. Ed is confused but bounces over to Alex and the two laugh and carry on. Since Brooke is there too, she notices that Dixie is not looking too happy for Ed and Alex. Dixie tells Brooke that she thinks it's too soon for them to be getting married. Oh Dixie, isn't it time for that remaining kidney to fail? Oh relax, it's just a joke! Anyway, Dixie gets her call from Dimitri and heads out to meet him. Brooke gets her call from Eliot and heads to the church.

Dimitri tells Dixie that he just couldn't show himself after seeing how happy everyone was. Dim asks Dixie to find out how long his treatment will last and that as soon as it's over he's going to leave town for good and let Edmund and Alex have their happily ever after. Dimitri doesn't seem to see the bigger picture here... his being alive would make both Alex and Edmund so happy. Their relationship is minor compared to the joy of having him back in their lives. Dim just doesn't see it that way though. Dixie is not happy about this turn of events.

At the church, Eliot too has decided that leaving is the best thing. Before Brooke can arrive, and as if things weren't bad enough in this storyline, we are tortured with a Brooke/Eliot music montage. Oh do I hate those things! When they start one of those, I pray for a weather interruption. Anyway, Brooke arrives and the music stops. Eliot is very serious and tells her about how he's always wanted to help people. Brooke listens as he tells her that Reverend Taylor thinks he'd be more helpful at another parish and that he is leaving Pine Valley. How interesting that this man who is supposed to have changed so much in the time between killing Laura and meeting Brooke again continually lies to her. Not only is the reason that he's being transferred a lie, but he lies again when he tells her that Reverend Taylor thinks their relationship is inappropriate because they work so closely together at the shelter. Brooke is totally taken aback by this information and tells Eliot that she'll talk to Reverend Taylor about their relationship and how they are doing nothing wrong. Eliot isn't up for that, but just then the kid that Eliot helped before, Ricky, comes into the church all beaten up. He tells Eliot that his father, a cop, beat him up again. Brooke and Eliot band together to help Ricky and Brooke takes him over the shelter to get him cleaned up. She tells Eliot that the people here in Pine Valley need him and that he can't leave, and then tells him she'll back off so he can stay. Brooke also realizes there is more to this than meets the eye and calls Eliot on it, saying he's hiding something and wants to know the whole truth. Will he tell her? I guess so, eventually. You know what really sucks? I actually like Brooke with Eliot. I think making him Josh was such a bad move and especially the way it was done... reconstructive surgery!? You've got to be kidding me!!! Why couldn't he be someone who was peripherally involved in the accident? I find that much more feasible and easier to swallow. This just plain sucks!

Erica has decided that she needs to throw the soiree of the century for Bianca. Bianca isn't at all thrilled about it, but Erica doesn't care. Conveniently, Palmer goes to see Erica at her office. Erica doesn't notice that his tie is tucked into his pants and tells him she wants him to co-host Bianca's party with her. But PC is going on a cruise, alone, and won't be in town to help with the party. He suggests that David be the co-host. Erica informs him that she and David have split. At the same time, David is telling Dixie that he and Erica have split. She consoles him as he tells her that he's given up on love.

Back to the party Erica is planning. Bianca is really not the least bit interested in a bash, but Erica doesn't hear a word she is saying. Bianca turns to Uncle Jack for help and asks him to talk to her. Jack gives a potential line of the week when he says, "I'll do my best, but remember, I'm only one man." He tries to talk Erica out of having this party, but Erica blows him off. Jack seems to know there is more to this than meets the eye and asks her how David is. That Jack, he can read Erica like a book. She tells him that she and David are through. Jack isn't too upset by the news since he never liked David anyway. Now it's time for Bianca to talk to Erica again. She tells Erica that a big party is not her thing and she'd rather just go swimming with Lily. WHAT? Did I hear a Lily mention?? I almost fell over when I heard this. I can't believe it, they actually remember that Jack has a daughter and her name is Lily!

Later, Bianca appeals to Leo to talk Erica out of having the party for her. Leo thinks that it's not such a bad idea though and tells Bianca that sometimes doing things like this just to shut someone up isn't so bad. He tells her that this party will make her mother very happy so why not give it a try? This is not the answer Bianca wanted. So when Erica comes home and Leo makes a hasty retreat, Erica is a little suspicious. Erica asks Bianca if she has a crush on Leo. Bianca immediately denies it and tells her that she thinks Leo is a big goofball. Hmmm, that was a quick denial. I think that Bianca might be a little smitten with Leo... who wouldn't be!? Erica tells Bianca that it's perfectly natural to have a crush on an older boy, but Bianca gets really ticked and tells Erica that she's not like her and never will be. Let me interject right here for a minute. I've gotten quite a few emails from people who seem to think that this declaration from Bianca "I'm not like you and never will be" seems to mean that Bianca is gay. Personally I think this is silly. There is way more about Erica to not want to be like than heterosexual! So no, I don't think that Bianca's coming out party is actually going to be a coming out party! As always though, this is just my opinion, it could happen. Bianca isn't into make up, or glamour, or parties, or fancy clothes. She wants to be her own person, not Erica's Mini Me. This is very evident when she tells Erica that in Pine Valley, she's only Erica Kane's daughter and people expect her to act a certain way and be someone she's not.

Erica continues to push this party idea on Bianca, and when Bianca tells her the only reason she's doing this is because she broke up with David and has nothing better to do, Erica has is really taken aback. She realizes that she is getting a big dose of herself just like Mona told her she would someday. This scene between Erica and Bianca quickly becomes this weeks SCENE OF THE WEEK as Erica tries to tell Bianca that she only wants to help her overcome her fears and insecurities. She tells Bianca that every time she walks into a party where she has to meet and greet, she's terrified. Bianca is shocked to hear her mother say this, and even more shocked when Erica admits to her how shy she really is. But she tells her that by facing her own fears, she wins. Bianca starts to see a new side to her mother and she likes it. Erica tells Bianca that if she truly doesn't think she can handle this party, she will call it off. Erica goes on to say how she always hoped for the kind of relationship she had with Mona for her and Bianca. Bianca can't believe it and says that all they ever did was fight. But Erica explains to her how she and Mona had a bond between them, one that could never be broken. She wants that for her and Bianca. Bianca realizes how much Erica is trying to be a good mother and agrees to the party, but asks her to keep it simple. Immediately the tears dry up and Erica turns back into Erica Party Planner. Bianca calls Travis and tell him she's sorry for being a pain when she was still in Seattle ... I liked it, nice touch.

For some bizarre reason, Ryan has decided he will go to Chechnya himself and tell Jake that he and Gillian are back together. Can someone explain to me why Ryan and/or Gillian think they can just fly to a war zone to talk to Jake? Aren't there restrictions on civilians doing such things? I would have thought so. Now, MyAdrian going there didn't really strike me as odd... being as he's got that spy background and all. Anyway, as Gilly is pleading with Ryan not to go to Chechnya, Mr. Infidelity himself, Tad, has decided to make it his mission to watch Gillian's every move. When he sees Ryan and Gillian together he interrupts and asks them what is going on. As Gilly is trying to tell Tad that it's not what he thinks, Jake calls Tad on his cell phone to tell him he's not coming home. Tad is shocked to hear Jake's voice and tries to reason with him but Jake tells him that he has saved some children and he cannot leave until he knows they are OK and will be safe. Gilly wants to talk to him and of course, as soon as she gets on the phone the connection goes dead. Tad leaves to go tell Joe and Phantom Ruth the latest Jake developments. But before he goes he tells Gilly that Jake told him to tell her that he loves her. Oh yeah, sure he does. That Jake as a strange way of showing love. He never calls her, he only writes to her through his father and the biggie... he abandoned her! Ugh. Gillian starts to freak out about Jake not coming home, blaming herself. Ryan tells her that it's not her fault, that Jake made his choices. That Ryan makes a lot of sense.

Tad finds Dixie at the hospital and tells her the news. He tells her that he wants to go to Chechnya and bring Jake home himself but Jake reminded him how much he is needed at home. Dixie agrees and tells Tad how much she loves him and how much their family needs him. David listens in.

MyAdrian tells Ryan that he's headed back to Chechnya to bring Jake home and Ryan insists on going along. MyAdrian is definitely not thrilled with this idea. Things go from bad to worse as MyAdrian realizes he can't get government clearance to go back into Chechnya. When Ryan suggests that since he worked at WRCW he can get press credentials for them both, MyAdrian suddenly thinks taking Ryan along is a good idea. Ryan then tells him he'll get the money to fund their trip too.

Ryan goes to see Midori and asks him about cashing out part of the business. Midori tells Ryan that he cannot touch that money for three years. Wow, Ryan's plan suddenly reaches a snag... that is until he just takes it anyway.

Back at the hospital (how did Gilly get there anyway?) Gilly is writing a letter to Jake when her watcher, Tad, happens by and wants to know what she's writing to him about. Gilly tells Tad to mind his own damn business but assures him she's not leaving Jake via letter. Tad is somewhat relieved by this news and tells her he wants to know the truth about her an Ryan. Gillian tap dances around a real answer, only saying that if she and Ryan do have a secret, the less that know about it the better. Gillian tells Tad that she loves Jake and wants him to come home safe and sound. For once Tad seems to believe her and tells her that whatever is between her and Ryan is none of his business. It's about time you see that Tad!

At the Wave set, Hayley's big couples show is about to get started with Leo and Becca, and MyAdrian and WhinySpice. MyAdrian runs into Whiny, who is in a panic that he hasn't shown up yet. MyAdrian tells Whiny that he can't be on the show. Whiny whines about it, totally oblivious to how intense MyAdrian is. This weeks MEANINGLESS DRIVEL OF THE WEEK is MyAdrian telling Whiny that he is going back to Chechnya and not to worry, he will come back to her. Someone pass me the barf bag.

Suddenly Mateo is the producer of Wave. How this happened I have no idea. But since he's employed by a show about fashion you would think someone would tell him how butt ugly that shirt he's wearing is. Uh huh... you guess it, Mateo is the FASHION DISASTER OF THE WEEK recipient again! Anyway, Mateo is acting like the big dufus and suddenly morphs into Assholeo. He realizes that they are short a panelist. He spots Leo talking to Bianca and completely bodily shoves Leo out of the way so he could ask Bianca to be a panelist. Personally, if I were Leo, I'd have kicked his ass. Bianca agrees to be on the show, reluctantly.

In the meantime, Tramplee is listening in on Becca and Whiny talking about how much in love they both are. It's sickening, really. Trust me on this one. Tramplee is disgusted too so she decides she needs to get on the panel so she can dog Becca and Leo's relationship. She creates a stupid diversion that sends one of the panelist running home to find his dog (don't ask, it was lame), and Assholeo goes into a panic because he's suddenly short a panelist again. He spots Tramplee and asks her to be on the panel and she agrees. That Tramplee... what a manipulator! So, the show gets underway and I keep trying to figure out why this show about fashion has suddenly become the Jerry Springer Show... literally! Tramplee is asking Leo and Becca questions about sex and when Tramplee uses what she heard Becca and Whiny talking about, Becca storms off the set. Leo then rips into Tramplee and a fight ensues. Very Springer.

The next morning at BJ's, Becca is ordering breakfast when some dorky loser approaches her. It's Bianca to the rescue as she pulls Becca away from the dork and takes her to a table. When she goes to get her own breakfast, she calls Leo and tells him to get to BJ's quick if he wants to make up with Becca. When Leo arrives, Becca gets angry with Bianca for butting in and calling him, and Leo once again tries to explain what happened and how it wasn't his fault to Becca. Same thing, different day. Poor Leo is always explaining himself to Becca. She always starts out not believing him, she always caves. This was no different. They finally figure out that the only way that Tramplee could have found out about their little incident at the lake (or was that the ocean?) was if she eavesdropped. Leo assures Becca he's not interested in Tramplee. Becca decides to mull all this over and heads to WRCW where most people go to think.

Becca watches the tape of Leo defending her and ripping into Tramplee on Wave. She gets that moony-eyed look on her face just as Tramplee walks in and starts to taunt her. Becca, cool as the proverbial cucumber, tells Tramplee she's figured it out and realizes now that she's jealous and wants Leo for herself. Tramplee denies any interest in Leo, and he just happens to be listening at the door. When he comes in, he puts on this big lovey dovey display with Becca for Tramplee's benefit. When Leo leaves, Becca asks her if she's always wanted Leo or if she wants him because she's got him. Tramplee is not amused. Becca tells her that Leo thinks she's shallow and empty and they feel very sorry for her. Tramplee tells her to go to hell and leaves. But what we see is a very affected Tramplee.

Over at BJ's, Leo is picking up lunch for himself and Becca when he runs into an old friend, Wade Randall. Seems Wade is a smarmy mob connected loan shark type and wants Leo to work for him. Leo makes some snide comment about how he's not the prison type and tells Wade no thanks. This is when Tramplee comes in and oozes all her trampy charm on Wade. Leo drags her away from the guy, much to her dismay but tells her he's bad news. Tramplee then asks Leo if he hates her, which is an odd question I think after he just saved her from Mr. Smarm. But he tells her he doesn't hate her because that would take too much effort... the same thing she said to Becca when Becca asked Tramplee why she hated her.

Just as Tramplee is about to follow Leo out, Midori walks in and needs to talk to her. He tells Tramplee that Ryan has dipped into the funding for to the tune of several million dollars for his personal use and he is going to send him to jail. This does not sit well with Tramplee and I suspect we shall see her in another conversation with Mr. Smarm, Wade Randall.

Nessie has decided to try and get Edmund to do a story on Palmer, I guess that could go in the Meaningless Drivel category. When Nessie tells Palmer about it, he's not too thrilled. She continues to suck up to him and gives him a gift of diamond cufflinks. Palmer tells her that the gift will be a constant reminder to him of her infidelity and then tells her about the cruise. She gets all excited about it until he tells her she's not invited.

Then we are treated to one of the most exciting pairings on the show in recent months, this was inspired, truly! Nessie goes over to Arlene's table to talk and get to know each other. Arlene and Nessie! Oh, a match made in heaven. Nessie tells her that she thinks it's about time the two richest women in Pine Valley get to know one another. Arlene is all for it, that is until Marilyn calls her and tells her that Stuart is missing, and left Esther a note that said "gone fishing." Arlene is shocked and tells Marilyn that it was her job to keep him in Nevada and that she is not giving her another dime and hangs up on her. Nessie notices that Arlene is suddenly very nervous and questions her about the call. Arlene tells her to mind her own business and then spots Barry and goes over to talk to him, leaving her cell phone on the table. While Arlene is getting more and more into a panic when Barry tells her that Adam went fishing, her phone rings. Pretending to be Arlene, Nessie answers it and hears Marilyn yelling at her about how she lied to him and didn't want to, because of her. She figures out that the nicest man in the world that she's talking about is Stuart. When Arlene comes back, Nessie plays it out just perfectly. She slowly lets on that she knows that Stuart is alive until Arlene actually confirms it. Nessie tells her that she's going to go tell Marian and Liza the good news when she sees them walk in. But when push comes to shove, she doesn't do it. Nessie then blackmails Arlene for money.

In Idaho, Stuart is at the fishing shack where he and Adam go every year and is making flies for the man who runs the place. Being as it's such a small place and Adam and Stuart go there every year, it's peculiar to me that the man doesn't recognize him. But I guess that's neither here nor there. Stuart and Walt, the shack man, seem to get on rather well. That is until Stuart goes outside to catch nightcrawlers and Adam walks in in his place. Walt is a little shocked by Stuart's sudden gruff personality, but blows it off as being moody. Adam is stunned when he sees a fly that Stuart made. He knows Stuart made it, but figures it could have been there for years. When Adam walks out, Arlene and Nessie walk in. Seems Arlene has decided that she and Nessie need to go to Idaho and stop Adam from seeing Stuart. Nessie is too priceless in a fishing camp wearing all white. And Arlene is in one hell of an hysterical get up. Sort of Fisherman Chic. When Stuart walks in, Arlene dives behind the counter so he won't see her and Nessie tells him she's come to go "fishin" and would he teach her. Stuart is all for it and takes her outside to get her started. Just then, Adam comes back in and Arlene is there. He can't believe she found him. She tells him she came to get him because things are heating up and construction has started on the Colmar Tower. He needs to get back to Pine Valley so they can proceed with the plan to take down Tad and Liza. Adam reluctantly agrees, takes off his fishing vest and goes. How is Arlene going to explain why Nessie is with them?

When Stuart comes back, he sees the vest and puts it on. Walt tells him it's his, thinking once again that Adam and Stuart are the same person. Pine Valley is written on the back of the vest... will Stuart follow that lead? Probably.

Marian has decided to have a drink with Barry. Barry is not the most subtle guy around. He starts to grill her for information about the Colmar Tower, but she doesn't really know much. Liza arrives and realizes what Barry is up to and tells him to go away and stop asking her mother for information. Once Barry leaves, Liza and Marian start talking. Marian is lonely and was only talking to Barry because he let her talk about Stuart. She asks Liza if she ever misses the company of a man and Liza tells her no, her life is too busy to think of that. Marian tells Liza that she will try to be good and hold out for Stuart's sake. Liza tells her that she cannot trust Barry. Marian responds with this weeks LINE OF THE WEEK when she says, "I promise I'm not going to let Barry pump me... for information that is." That slight pause was so classic and to me seemed very adlibbed as both Marcy Walker and Jennifer Bassey cracked up laughing. If it was unintentional, thanks for keeping it in AMC. If it wasn't, it was brilliant!

This weeks AMC gets a C+ There were some great performances this week. Now if only the storylines could improve!