The Pine Valley Bulletin

Welcome to Pine Valley's only online newspaper!

Established 1998


April 25, 2005

In the CD changer today one of my all time fave bands, Redd Kross with Show World, Cheap Trick, Authorized Greatest Hits, Perry Farrell with Rev, Love and Rockets with Earth•Sun•Moon, and Franz Ferdinand (self titled).

Just the usual warning... this Editorial may discuss future storylines, speculations and have spoiler. And I'm going to be doling out slaps today, so if you're from Pine Valley, watch out!!! Many many residents of PV are slap worthy this week!

We start out this week with that dreamboat Aidan, very upset about finding out his friend Steve was killed by Psycho Johnny. Darnit! Steve was my love match for Simone! Anyway, back to hunky sensitive Aidan. Don't you fret young Aidan, I'm here to dry your eyes and soothe your pains. Oh yeah. Suddenly my fantasy is interrupted by Lily and Reggie. Lily needs to put the case to bed so she wants to know what happened to Steve. Aidan doesn't want to lie to her, so he tells her what really happened. Hunky, sensitive and truthful. What a catch! Aside from that one lapse in judgment when he allowed Lily to think of him as her boyfriend, he's been the whole package, but let's just go ahead and blame that on Anita.

At the hospital where Ryan is trying unsuccessfully to come to terms with killing his own brother, there is a lot going on. First we have Erica, who walks into the sun porch where Maria is talking to Zach. Erica launches into full on bitch mode and it's just not fun. The feuds between Erica and Maria and Erica and Brooke have been some of my favorite scenes ever. But Erica is so over the line. She think Maria is being disrespectful to Edmund, but what is she doing when she's taunting Maria this way? The level of meanness she's been spewing towards Maria just goes above and beyond Erica. She doesn't care that there was no affair. She doesn't care that Edmund has just died. She just has to be nasty. But I will give her this, she can admit why she does it. When Zach asked her the very same question: why do you do it, Erica replied with, "It's two parts righteous indignation and one part she makes it so easy." I guess that doesn't make it better, but she can at least explain her issues. Which is more than Zach can do. When she turns the questions to him he has no answer, just a sexy amused smirk. I love that smirk. When I see Zach smirk that smirk it looks like he's saying "man are you stupid" to whoever it is he's talking to. Usually he's right! But no matter what Erica says to Maria, it was Zach's actions that hurt her far more, she was right about that. So of these two, who deserves the first SLAP? You decide.

Later Maria finds Zach again, and again tries to apologize to him and tells him she never stopped loving him. Maria needs to come to grips with the fact that it was she who betrayed Zach by not believing him. His track record stood for itself, he has never lied to her, yet she chose to believe deceitful, cold Edmund over him. Do I blame her? I guess not. But she can't expect Zach to just sweep her up in his arms and say all is well after she repeatedly called him a liar and sided with his idiot son. Now that she knows the truth, it seems to me that Maria just expects all to be forgiven and Zach to profess his love endlessly. Get over you Maria. Zach does accept Maria's apology, but then he walks out on her.

Over in Ryan's hospital room, Greenlee is trying hard to talk to Ryan and tell him everything will be alright. But Greens, honey, I love you but you are a I NEED TO BE SLAPPED award recipient this week. Ryan had just lived through hell. He found his wife, his former fiance and a defenseless girl held hostage by his psycho brother while his other brother is dead in a corner with a bomb attached to him. Ryan had to make the most difficult decision of his life and kill his own brother to save everyone else. He's traumatized. He's not thinking clearly and he's angry on top of all of it. So when Green's starts going on about the pitter patter of little feet, I don't blame Ryan one bit for telling her no way. One brother's a rapist, one is nutso, and the father was nothing if not pure evil. At this point Ryan might even be wondering what's wrong with him and how his father will manifest in him. He's not thinking of prolonging the Lavery (er, Curry) bloodline, he's thinking of ending it. Greenlee should have chosen a better time to bring up babies than the day after Ryan killed his brother. In her defense though, she was only trying to make him feel better and how is she supposed to know that he had completely changed his mind when, before all this happened, they were talking about starting a family. Still, bad timing on Green's part.

When Ryan yells at Greenlee to get out and leave, Jack comes running in. But Erica tells Jack to see after Greenlee so she can talk to Ryan. Jack is the next on this list of I NEED TO BE SLAPPED award recipients this week. In some ways I get that he's mad that Ryan wanted to handle things on his own, but I don't get him blaming Ryan for everything. Without Ryan, how would anyone have ever found Greenlee, Kendall and Lily? Does Jack really think that Keystone Cop Derek could have pulled it off? Please. But Ryan has a true hate on for Ryan now and believes that he is the reason that the girls were almost killed. He wants Greenlee to leave Ryan immediately and is afraid that Ryan will hurt her, and to reiterate his point, he brutally grabs her arm like he always does. Now you're just talking crazy Jack! Greenlee tells him that if he makes her chose between him and Ryan, Ryan won't be the one who loses. Ouch Jack. And he's not getting much help from Erica either. She tells him to stay out of Ryan and Greenlee's relationship. Hmm, kettle black much Erica?

In the hospital room, Erica tells Ryan just how much he is loved and reminds him how he was the one who came to Vegas and saved her from herself. She tells him that he is not alone and all the people who he has helped will now help him. Erica promises she will always be there for him, that she loves him and thanks him for saving her daughters. Aww.

As she is coming out of Ryan's room, she comes yet again, face to face with Maria and refuses to let her into Ryan's room. Maria fires out a potential line of the week when she says, "You know, usually evil gatekeepers are three-headed dogs, not two-faced bitches." ZINGER!! Loved it. Erica thinks that Maria wants to blame Ryan for Edmund's death, but that is not why Maria's there. It's just like Erica to assume something and not listen when she is told the truth. Jack steps in and let's Maria pass. She goes and tells Ryan that she's glad he came out of everything ok. Ryan tells her that he is sorry Jonathan killed Edmund. Maria tells him that it's time to let go of the guilt and that he can't control other people. Ryan doesn't know how to feel. He tells Maria that his brother's hurt so many people but he loved them and didn't want them to die,and now, he doesn't know how to mourn them. Maria urges him to hold on to the good memories, and remember the good things in his brother's, not all the bad stuff that happened. It's good advice.

Over at Kendall's condo, she has allowed Liar Liar Pants On Fire to help her home and take care of her, knowing all the time that he lied to her. So when Ethan pulls out the giant rock and says he wants to marry her, Kendall unleashes her fury. She's having none of it. He lied, he continually lied, he lied when she begged him not to, he lied when she gave him an out to come clean. She refuses to take the ring and makes him admit that he swore on their love to a lie. He finally does admit it, but tries to assure her that he does indeed really truly love her and that he lied to protect her. Kendall laughs at that, who does she need protecting from? Ethan tells her that he didn't want to put her in a position of having to lie so he did it for her. Oh right. That is good. Kendall fires back that they are too much alike and that he lied because he doesn't trust her. She has the same problem and can't trust people either. Ethan is another I NEED TO BE SLAPPED award recipient this week. And he only gets worse because right about now, the police arrive. Derek wants to question Ethan about his previous statement about Zach. Ethan holds on to his lie and then looks to Kendall to back him up! The gall of this guy! But when Kendall says she'll be glad to tell the police everything Ethan just told her, Ethan decides he'll go to the police station and talk to Derek. Good move.

Somehow JR had shown up during all this so when Ethan and cops go, he's left alone with Kendall. Kendall shows JR the ring Ethan tried to give her. He puts on his caring sensitive act and pretends to actually care what Kendall's going through. Then he seizes the opportunity to badmouth Ethan to her. He says that Ethan has changed since he helped him out with Little Adam's custody. See, this is how JR pays back people who help him. I am going to make him the next I NEED TO BE SLAPPED award recipient because I can and he always deserves it. He is totally snoozing Kendall and she doesn't even know it. JR goes on to tell her that he never thought she and Ethan had what it takes for a long lasting love. Kendall is surprised. JR goes on to say our second potential line of the week when he explains that if he had thought they were really serious, he never would have hit on her and goes on to say, "I'm not a sleazebag." I almost fell out of my chair laughing! In fact, I rewound it about five times just to hear this again and again. How lightning didn't come down from the sky and zap him at that moment is beyond me. So funny. But anyway, JR pretty much convinces Kendall to turn Ethan in, telling her he never thought Ethan loved her at all.

At the police station, Ethan is holding onto his lie like a lifeline. Livia and Zach are there to see about getting the charges dropped. That's when Ethan pulls his ace in the hole out. Seems there was a guy in prison that Zach confessed to. Well we already know this is JR's plan and that it's going to backfire. And wouldn't you know it, Kendall and JR show up at the police station just in time. Kendall immediately spills her guts, telling the police that Ethan lied about seeing Zach kill Edmund, he admitted to her that he never saw him do it. Ethan tries to stop her with talk of love and rings, but she's in vindictive mode. There is no stopping her. So Ethan tries to hold on to the snitch's testimony, but that backfires when the snitch snitches on JR as the man who paid him to say Zach confessed to him. JR, of course, denies he had anything to do with it. And now Kendall is plenty ticked that JR was in on it with Ethan and washes her hands of both of them. What is Zach doing during all this? What else, smirking.

That smirk is up to something and oh boy, we soon find out what! Zach goes over to Kendall's, but she won't answer the door. She asks him what he wants and he's about to shock the socks off her. He wants to marry her! Kendall thinks he's lost it, but Zach delivers another potential line of the week when he says, "You pretended to marry my brother. You almost married my son, which makes me the only Cambias you haven't been engaged to. And I got to tell you, I feel a little left out." Have I mentioned lately how much I love this guy! Zach's plan, while stupid and contrived like David's, is just so much more entertaining. See, Zach wants to take Cambias Industries from Ethan and in the process it's possible that Bianca and Miranda will lose everything in the shuffle. But if she marries him, she is entitled to half and she can give it to whomever she wants. OK, what I don't understand is, as full owner, why can't he just give the shares to Bianca and Miranda? What does he need Kendall for? The other thing involved is that she will get the gaming licenses in her name so she can reopen the casinos for him. Now that one makes sense, he had them revoked for using a false name and probably can't get them back. This one I get. But Kendall isn't interested, she tells him this has nothing to do with Bianca, but is more about sticking it to Ethan. Wait a minute, isn't that the part the would appeal to Kendall most? And even better, Zach reminds Kendall how much fun it will be to watch Erica's reaction. Hmm... he could be winning her over!

At the hospital where Ethan is urging Greenlee to help him (no dice, she's not interested), Kendall arrives and flaunts Zach's proposal to Ethan. Greenlee is stunned, Ethan thinks she's making it up to hurt him. But Zach arrives and clears it all up. It's all true. And then Zach clinches his PERFORMER OF THE WEEK status when he asks Ethan, "Will you be my best man?" Ethan is not amused (I am though, a lot!) and threatens Zach. But Zach doesn't take to threats. He tells Ethan he has no one to blame but himself. He lost Kendall because of what he himself did, not because of anything that Zach did. Oh that must have hurt, because it was so true. Zach tells Ethan that he'll forget all about Kendall if Ethan will surrender Cambias, but Ethan says no way.

Greenlee has taken Kendall to a supply closet to try and talk some sense into her. But Kendall seems to already have made her mind up. She wants to make Ethan pay for lying to her. Greenlee reminds her how she wanted to make Ryan pay by sleeping with his brother and how well that worked out. Our SCENE OF THE WEEK continues with more Kendall and Greenlee bonding. I know I'm a broken record in this respect, but I love these two as friends much more than enemies! Kendall is still shattered by Ethan's lie and tells Greenlee, in a moment of vulnerability, that she thought she had her happy ending this time. She tells Greenlee how much she wants it, and how she will probably die wanting it. The two embrace and I got a warm fuzzy.

Seems with Di having been sprung from the clink, the other inmates are now putting the beat on Krystal. She told Babe that she fell down the stairs, and Babe bought it. But not Tad. He goes to the warden and tells her to make sure it never happens again or she will regret it. The warden doesn't take to the threat very well, but when Tad tells her that his ex-wife is the editor of Tempo Magazine, she backs off.

Shall we delve into this insane plot of David's now? I guess we have to sometime. David has decided that Di gives off enough of an illusion of Dixie that she can pass for her. Sure David whatever you say. Let's not even approach the fact that she's at least 10 years younger than Dixie. Supposedly David's plan is for Di to infiltrate JR's life so she can get him to give Babe more time with Little Adam. In the process, she is also to get Tad to fall in love with her. Why? Just for grins I guess. So in order to get Di to go along with his sicko plot, he tells her all about the evil that is the Chandler's. He tells her what a wonder of humanity Dixie was. He left out the parts about how, when Adam was married to Brooke, Dixie had Adam's baby. He left out the part about how, when Tad was married to Brooke, she snuck around with Tad behind Brooke's back. Oh and more, so much more... but I guess David wasn't think of those things when he said, "Dixie was the most respected, most admired, and most loved woman in Pine Valley." Sure she was David. Anyway, that's all besides the point. David wants Di to become Dixie with the Janet Green Miracle Makeover, but Di is sure it won't work. She doesn't know any of them and can't talk about the past with them or things they've been through. But David doesn't necessarily want her to walk in and say, "Hey, it's me! I'm back." He wants her to just make them think that maybe she's Dixie. But Di is still skeptical. If she does enough to make them believe she's Dixie, won't they want a DNA test or don't they believe in DNA tests around here? David wins this weeks LINE OF THE WEEK when he says, "You kidding me? Half the people in this town walk around with cotton swabs and baggies." But David is paying Di handsomely to pull this off and as soon as JR agrees to shared custody, she would disappear, without a trace. My question is, does Palmer factor into this sick plan? He could never pull this over on the old coot!

David keeps saying this is all to help Babe get more time with Little Adam, but I think that's just a small part of it. It's more like a side benefit. The real plot is to destroy Tad and JR by making them think Dixie is alive when she really isn't. You know, as much as I loathe JR, I think this is even too cruel to do to him. David is counting on no one ever finding out he was behind it, but what happens when they do? JR will be even more disgusting than he is now. Tad will be destroyed. Babe will never speak to him again. He won't be winning any points with Krystal either. Who will be left that cares one tiny bit about David? No one. But that never stopped him before? No. His rationale is that if Tad falls for her, he will investigate and all roads between Dixie's disappearance and Di's appearance will lead to Di. Then he will convince JR that she is Dixie. His plan is basically to make Tad do his dirty work. Di doesn't like it, especially the part about how Dixie survived and their baby didn't. She tells him that she'd be telling someone else that their baby is dead, just like he did. David tries to play up how the plan will really benefit everyone and be good for them. Oh my David, you don't even believe that do you?? That's laughable. But Di is disgusted by it and tells him it's cruel and not fair to trick all these people who loved Dixie. David tells Di that she is JR's only hope for redemption. And evidently it works enough that she agrees to the plan. He gives Di some blonde hair dye to create the illusion even more, and then sets his plan in motion. David has someone pose as a doctor in Switzerland and call Tad to tell him that Dixie's car has been found at the bottom of a crevasse, but there was no body found. Dare he hope?

Brooke arrives to talk to Tad and he confides to her about the phone call he had just received. She warns him about getting his hopes up. But Tad is already sucked in. The license number matched the car she was driving. She reminds Tad that he already checked the hospitals after the crash and she wasn't found then and tells him that the people we love are always with us. Tad agrees and tries to shrug off his desire for it all to be true and Dixie being alive. Tad then tells Brooke that he was hoping she would be willing to do an expose on prison abuse. But Brooke is having none of it. She refuses to help Krystal and won't use Tempo that way.

Later, Brooke seems to have had a change of heart when she shows up at the prison to talk to Krystal and offers to help her. It seems Brooke has an ulterior motive though. She tells Krystal that she'll do the article for Tempo if she stays out of Tad's life for good. Brooke? Is that you? This is very un-Brooke-like. Since when does she make bargains like this? Evidently Krystal is confused by this too and tells her that she knows Brooke hates her, and it's mainly because she tried to control other people's lives... so isn't that what Brooke is doing right now? Krystal tells Brooke that she already told Tad it's over anyway.

How much do I want to slap Maddie, let me count the ways. She skipped school, had a bunch of friends over trashing the house, was making out with a much older boy and oh, the biggest one of all, smart talks her mother. She is, of course, the next recipient of this weeks I NEED TO BE SLAPPED award. That girl needs to be taken over the knee!! She is such a brat. She informs Maria that she will not listen to her, she will only listen to Brooke. What bothers me is that Maria does nothing to stop this behavior. She continues to allow Braddie to think that she cheated on Edmund when she didn't. Not that Braddie would listen to her, but still. Poor Maria is "Angel Mommy" no more, now she's "Evil Bitch Mommy Who Cheated on Angel Daddy."

Maria goes to Tad to complain about Brooke. Whatever. Tad explains to her that her problem is not Brooke and deep down, Maria knows that what Tad's saying is true. Maria is there when Tad gets another call, this time to inform Tad that a "Jane Doe" was brought to a rural hospital six days after Dixie's accident. Ahh so much of this does not add up. When Dixie originally crashed, if they never found the car until now, how did they know she crashed? I guess we aren't supposed to wonder about those things... too logical! At any rate, Tad tells Maria what has been going on. Thinking about Dixie possibly being alive is an interesting discussion for two people who have, in fact, returned from the dead. It's funny how Maria tells Tad how she is living proof that it's possible but Tad never even puts together that it happened to him too! Just then another call comes from Switzerland to tell Tad that the "Jane Doe" had severe facial injuries but that any records that were kept on her were destroyed in a fire. Now Tad snaps out of the illusion and realizes he's being set up. That's the Tad I know!

Over at Adam's, Babe has showed up for her three hour visit with Little Adam but her court appointed chaperone isn't there yet. Adam doesn't want to let her in, but eventually relents. Why she would want to be there alone with Adam is beyond me, all he does is taunt her and mock her for not taking the deal he offered. And right in mid taunt, Adam has some kind of attack. He completely checks out for a minute. He doesn't know where he is, who he is and can't even stand up. Oh... what's happening to Adam!? Babe yells for Winifred to call 911 but just then Adam snaps out of it and downplays the whole incident. So while Babe tries to help Adam and worries that something might be wrong, Adam launches back into mean mode insulting her. But you can clearly see that something is wrong and that Adam himself is scared. Adam scared, I just had to say it again.

Babe comes back later to tell JR that she is worried about Adam being alone with Little Adam. She tells him what happened and is concerned that if it happens again when no one is around, Adam could drop the baby. Adam overhears her and gets very angry, calling her a liar and trying to discredit the family. Just then the nanny comes in with Little Adam and Babe is not happy with how she has him dressed, so she fires her. Nice move, but even Babe has to know she doesn't have the authority to do that. It doesn't matter, because for some reason JR sides with Babe and gives the nanny her walking papers. I have to admit, I don't get this scene at all (other than it's a set up for Di to swoop in).

Once alone, Adam goes to get a drink with very shaky hands. JR comes in and notices. He asks Adam what is wrong, but Adam continues to deny that anything is wrong. JR seems to show concern for Adam, but I have to wonder if it's real. He shows sincerity so little (um, never) that it's really hard to know. Hell even Adam doesn't know! When JR tries to show concern, Adam gives another potential line of the week when he says, "You hate me! If I dropped dead right now, you'd leap over my body to get at everything I own." My thoughts exactly Adam. So is JR concerned? Who knows, but I'd like to think he is. Adam tells JR how much he loves him and how business is nothing, but children and family are everything. He goes on to say that he would do anything for him, Hayley and Colby. He would do whatever it takes to help them or would gladly die for them. JR seems shaken by this declaration and assures Adam that he loves him.

Well if all that wasn't the perfect set up for Tad to rush in ranting and raving about Adam trying to make him think that Dixie is really alive. Adam is at a total loss as to what Tad is going on about, but JR's warm fuzzy with Adam has warn off really quick and reminds Adam how he just said that he would do anything to help his children. Tad's leap to Adam is a pretty logical one. Adam is still trying to find Liza and Colby. So Tad's assumption is that he would be exchanging Dixie for Colby. Too bad it's the wrong assumption. It's your other enemy this time Tad! Adam swears he had nothing to do with it.

This weeks shows get a B- It's still really good, lots of great stuff happening. But I'm not sold on the Di is Dixie storyline. It didn't work when Janet had an actor play Will to mess with Dixie and I can't see it working now. In fact, I find the whole thing ludicrous. But on a whole, I think the show is good.