The Pine Valley Bulletin

Welcome to Pine Valley's only online newspaper!

Established 1998



April 30, 2001

There I was, all set to sit down for a day of writing. I get my glass of iced tea (lemon, no sugar), my phone, CD's on the portable stereo and I'm ready. I sit down at the computer and glance up towards the ceiling and what is staring down at me but one of the biggest eyebrow bugs I have ever seen (at least two inches long)! Eyebrow bug you say? Is that a scientific term? No... it's my term for the ugly brown thing with long legs that race across your floors and walls so fast that as far as I can tell it looks like a big bushy Dr. Joe Martin eyebrow. OK, I'm not ashamed to say I completely freaked out. I am not the bug killer of the family and the thing was on the wall, not the floor so the kitties weren't going to be able to get it. I call Mr. Diva... after he stopped laughing at me, he said to get some paper towels and squish it. Oh no, I can't do that. Jokingly (or was it) I told him to come home and slay the beast. Now he's not only laughing at me, but he's telling his co-workers what a big baby I am and they are all laughing at me. Fine, I go to Plan B and call my best friend Lisa... who happens to be the bug killer of her family, for advice. Get a big wad of paper towels and squish it she says. Oh no... not this again. I can't do that, I tell her. So we discuss my other options. I wanted to spray it with Raid, but she said if I did that, it would fall off the wall and then I'd really be screaming as it either skeeters across the floor or disappears. I finally decide that I'm willing to take that chance. I put the phone down, but Lisa waits on the line for moral support. I put on some shoes, in case the beast does fall and then I could step on it. One last time I pick up the phone and ask Lisa if she will come and take care of the monster for me. She laughs at me, much like my husband did and tells her 18 month old that her Aunt Kathy is a bigger baby than she is. Armed with Raid, I get as close as I am willing to get and spray! Of course, it falls off the wall and starts running across the floor. I'm screaming, "Oh my God!!! It's on the floor!!!" WHAM! I step on it and finally slaughter the monstrosity. I thank my friend for the support, hang up the phone and life as I know it has now regained order.

And now... on with AMC!

Thankfully, Pine Valley seems to be eyebrow bug free. They have enough problems don't you think? Starting with the bugs that are really a wretched group of teen troublemakers: Mindy, Shannon and Heather. There is just something about this group of girls that makes me very uneasy. Perhaps it's their extreme ease at putting others down or destroying someone's life. (Have you ever seen the movie "Never Been Kissed" with Drew Barrymore? I got the same feeling watching Josie's flashbacks of her high school days) Now granted, there are always troublemakers, there is always an "in" crowd that thinks they know everything, and there always will be. It's a rite of passage for teens I guess... bully or be bullied. I guess it just frightens me that there are some kids who are willing to do anything to bring someone else down. So, the "Heathers" of Pine Valley High School have targeted Bianca and Laura. As Laura, who I have to say, really looks like crap when she's coming down off her high (kudos to the make up department for that), and Bianca look at their latest torture... a website that has printed entries from Bianca's stolen journal about her feelings for Laura, Brooke and Erica arrive and demand to know what is going on.

It turns out that Laura isn't really cool about Bianca's feelings for her like she claimed she would be, but tries to understand. This scene turns into one massive freak out. Brooke is freaking out because Laura looks like a dishrag and the website claims she is addicted to ecstasy. Erica freaks out because Bianca is once again the target of vicious cruelty. Laura freaks out because Bianca has a crush on her. Bianca freaks because all her most private thoughts are on the internet and she never wanted to reveal her crush on Laura.

Bianca tells Erica once and for all to stay out of her problems and let her handle this herself. Of course, that is like talking to a wall. There is no way Erica is going to let this go. So after Brooke and Erica exchange barbs on parenting, Brooke and Laura leave. Erica calls Jack for help, but we never see him this week. That happens again with another character... I'll get to that later. While Erica is talking to Jack, we see Bianca finally letting go and crying. She feels so alone at this point. She has tried to be so strong and so sure of herself. But remember, she's 17 years old. These things catch up and it has. Bianca is strength and vulnerability all rolled up into one.

The next day at school, Bianca confronts Shannon and her flunkies. Shannon and the girls play dumb (play?). But Bianca is playing hardball this time. She tells the girls that if she doesn't get her journal back she is calling the police on them... they stole her keys, broke into her house and stole her journal. And then Bianca delivers this weeks LINE OF THE WEEK, proving to everyone exactly who she is: "I'm Erica Kane's daughter. I can crash your whole world." Now that's a chip off the old block!

The girls seems to be a little intimidated until their other victim, Laura arrives. The girls step away from the lockers to reveal Laura's porn pictures taped to her locker. As everyone laughs at her, you can see the humiliation on Laura's face. Bianca tries to rip the pictures down but Laura instead tells them she'll give them what they want and starts to strip off her top. Laura is so out of her mind that she even calls Ken, Marcus (hello AMC editing team, was that on purpose?). Shannon taunts Laura. As I watch and realize that Shannon is going to get this weeks SUPER DUPER SKANKIE HO SLAP, Laura takes care of it for me and decks her! Oh it was beautiful! One punch and she laid Shannon out. Shannon suddenly morphed into Marsha Brady and screamed "Oh my nose!!"

Bianca tries to help Laura calm down and button up her blouse, but Laura doesn't want her help and runs out. Later though, when Laura is at her locker after meeting with Principal St. Clare for punching Shannon, Bianca again tries to help by coming to her defense, but to no avail. It seems that PVHS has a zero tolerance for violence policy, but humiliation, taunts, and utter cruelty are allowed so Laura gets suspended, and nothing at all happens to the Heathers.

As Laura is cleaning out her locker, Bianca tells her that it's going to be too hard to remain friends after all this. Laura is shocked but tells her that her feelings for her are fine and she can deal with it. But Bianca tells her it's too hard and she's too embarrassed. Enter Erica... who spends an awful lot of time at that high school doesn't she? Laura hightails it out so that Bianca and Erica can talk. Erica tells her that unseen Jack got the website taken off the internet. Bianca is relieved but still wants to press charges against the girls for breaking into their house and stealing her journal. Erica, for some strange reason, tries to discourage Bianca. I don't get it. I would think that Erica would want these girls nailed to the wall for what they did to her daughter. Instead she tells Bianca to just let it go and she will talk with Principle St. Clare and Shannon's mother. And in the meantime, she thinks Bianca should cut herself off from, everyone, including Laura. This all seemed very odd to me.

Laura, who is an utter mess at this point, calls the yacht to talk to Leo. How she knew to find him there is a mystery since last she knew he got fired and wasn't living there anymore. But that's besides the point... Greenlee answers the phone and Laura asks to talk to Leo. Greenlee tells her that Leo is busy and they are in the middle of their engagement party, then hangs up on her. Now Laura is really freaking out. I don't get it. She had nothing going on with Leo, she has hardly spoken to him in weeks and now suddenly she wants to talk to him and gets so whacked about his engagement to Greenlee that she calls up Sweeney for some ecstasy! It makes no sense to me. I mean I know she still liked him and all, but her reactions seems a bit severe to me. She ends up getting a triple hit.

Later at the mall, Bianca runs into Shannon (with a lovely new bandage on her nose), Mindy and Heather. They give her back her journal and tell her that she doesn't have to call the police now that they've returned it to her. They also tell her that she should look after her girlfriend (Laura) who is totally wasted. Bianca sees Laura stumbling around the mall and goes to help her. Laura is definitely on a bad trip. When she tells Bianca that her heart is racing, Bianca rushes her to the ER. Brooke arrives shortly after and sees Laura unconscious on a gurney. She asks Joe if Laura's going to be OK and Joe tells her that she'll make a complete recovery. Isn't that a little premature to say Dr. Joe?

Wasn't it cute how, when Greenlee proposed to Leo he started to hyperventilate just like his mother? I found that rather adorable. Greenlee pours her heart out to Leo and makes a sincere plea for marriage. Leo is visibly shaken and Greenlee notices. She asks him what he's afraid to tell her. But Leo just can't tell her the truth. He's afraid to lose her for good. Not a good move Leo, this secret of yours (the one about him coming to Pine Valley with plans to marry her and take her money) is definitely going to come back and bite you in the ass. He finally breaks down and agrees to marry Greenlee. The blissful couple heads over to the Valley Inn to celebrate and crack open a bottle of Orsini champagne.

Meanwhile the parents from hell... Roger and Vanessa are having a little meeting of their own. Roger tells Nessie that he wants half of Greenlee's money after Leo marries her. Nessie looks around for her oxygen mask, but can't find it. Nessie tells Roger that Leo is not the marrying kind and there are no plans underway for him and Greenlee to wed.

Looks like you spoke too soon Nessie! Greenlee spots her at the Valley Inn and calls her over to celebrate the good news of her and Leo's engagement. Nessie is thrilled with the news and when Greenlee leaves the table to take a call, she congratulates Leo on bagging the mother load. Leo tells Nessie that Greenlee's money is off limits, he loves her and is not scamming her. Nessie pretends to be happy for him.

Overhearing their engagement toast, Roger corners Nessie again. He is overjoyed with the news and now moves in for the kill with Nessie. He tells her that he wants a million dollars for starters, and to seal the deal pulls out his ace in the hole. It's an article from a newspaper, and it seems to be about Leo. Nessie searches in vain for her oxygen mask again.

Over at Wildwind, LurkyBoy find Gillian's cameo in the turret and pockets it. Of course, Ryan and Gillian are on their way there to find that item so LurkyBoy hides. TempDimitri sees them going to the turret and stops to tell them that he has hired extra security at for the grounds. Oh please, don't make me laugh!!! LurkyBoy comes and goes as he pleases and has never run into a security guard, camera, dog, not even an electric fence!! But TempDim says they have gotten even more guard dogs now (and I suddenly hear Mr. Burns on the Simpsons saying... "release the hounds!"). So isn't it funny... LurkyBoy jumps out of the window when he hears the voices, injuring his leg and then is suddenly chased by the dogs. Everyone hears the dogs barking, but no one thinks that maybe they are after someone. Duh.

LurkyBoy hides out in Ryan's car and goes back to the yacht with them. Ryan and Gillian had asked TempDim to come to the yacht with Alex and be guinea pigs for their new money making idea. Romantic cruises on the "Fidelity." As they are all settling in for the cruise, Leo and Greenlee arrive to share their good news. Leo is surprised to see that the yacht is going out so Ryan tells him his plan. Leo pitches himself as help and asks for his job and room back. After a little prodding, Ryan and Gillian agree to let him come back and let them stay for the cruise.

Hiding in the storage closet, LurkyBoy has a dream about the final day at Bryn Wydd. What's his story? Somehow I am finding that I really don't care about the answer to that question, but I reserve judgment on the character until he actually speaks. Out on the deck, Ryan sees a trail of blood but decides not to investigate it. Instead they get the cruise underway and get this... their planned entertainment for the evening is karaoke. Greenlee is mortified at the thought of karaoke and I can't say as I blame her really. Ryan and Gillian start off the festivities by doing a frightening rendition of Sonny and Cher's "I Got You Babe" This is definitely a PASS ME THE HANDBAG moment. After they finish, Alex and TempDim go to the machine to pick out a song. Now come on!!! Can you picture RealDimitri ever doing something like that!? I sure can't. Ryan and Gillian definitely need help if they think that people who are going on a romantic cruise want to do karaoke. That is not a big money making plan I don't think.

Anywho... Greenlee sneaks out and hides so Leo can find her and they can ditch out on the song fest. Of course she hides in the same storage closet where LurkyBoy is hiding and turns to find him behind her with a knife. She lets out a scream and everyone comes running to the deck. Greenlee tells them about a man hiding in the closet with a knife and a big wound on his leg. Ryan and TempDim go to check it out and find nothing. They all think Greenlee is making it up, which is stupid since Ryan saw blood on the deck. Gillian keeps taunting Greenlee about crying wolf when suddenly LurkyBoy runs up on deck and dives into the Pine Valley Ocean. Ryan dives in after him and brings him back to the yacht unconscious. Alex gives him mouth to mouth as Ryan tells the captain to take the yacht back to port. Once there, they rush him to the ER. The most shocking thing about all this is that Jake is there and when they ask him if he can take care of LurkyBoy, Jake tells them he's busy and walks off. That was weird. LurkyBoy comes to and tries to get away. Joe and Anna restrain him then find a flare gun on him. Joe takes it from him.

While all this craziness is going on at the yacht, Eddie is up in the turret with Anna after just returning from a fact finding mission to Port Charles. Anna shares her fear that Bart was murdered with Ed, but that isn't pursued much. Seems Ed found all kinds of information about Anna and went around and took pictures of all the places that relate to her. Interesting that he could this without causing suspicion. He found a picture of Robert for her, he found out where Robin is, he took pictures of General Hospital and the police station where she worked. With as much paranoia as they have about anyone finding out Anna is alive, doesn't it seem a little odd that Ed would go there to gather all this information? I found it very odd. Where would he find a picture of Robert if Anna didn't already have one? She had the article from a newspaper about the explosion she supposedly died in, why wasn't there a picture of him with that? This storyline is so sloppy it's pathetic and I don't even know much about Anna! So Ed asks her if she wants to see Robin, but Anna declines and says she'd like to get some of her memory back so she can see the mother she knew. I guess Anna regains some memory by May 30, which is when Robin is going to be on AMC. Ed tells Anna that she should create a memory book and write down things as she remembers them, and then someday she can show it to Robin. Nice thought.

Jake starts to have suspicions that David induced his own heart problem. Isn't it funny that David gets away with everything while never really getting away with anything. Someone is always on to him and knows what he did. He's just so damn good at denying everything and feigning indignation at the thought of these things. Jake starts to do some research to see what causes the kind of arrhythmia in the heart and finds that elevated potassium levels can give off the symptoms that David had. He also finds out that a vial of potassium was missing from the meds inventory.

Meanwhile, Nessie goes to see David and tells him that Dixie has ruined his life and he should get rid of her for good. David isn't too keen on hearing this, but he needs her help. He tells her that he knows of a judge that has been admitted to the hospital with a heart problem and David wants to bribe him with a cure for his ailment and cash taboot. Nessie wants no part of it until David offers her $500,000 to help him. Well Nessie is not one to turn down that kind of cashola, especially since Roger is blackmailing her for a million dollars. So David signs over his Power of Attorney to Nessie and she transfers a million and a half dollars out of one of David's Swiss accounts or whatever. A million for the judge, the half for her. Then she goes to the judge's room to ask him to visit her son. Once the judge arrives, David gives him the pitch that he can cure him, and make him financially secure for the rest of his life in exchange for getting the charges against him dropped. The judge is not completely convinced, but David says, "I'm an innocent man." Oh that was a good one!! Very Adam. The judge ask David why he confesses, and just as he is about to impersonate Adam more, Jake bursts in and accuses David of faking his heart condition. Joe comes in and drags Jake out of David's room and threatens to suspend him if he doesn't leave David alone. David fluffs off Jake's allegations to the judge and just then Nessie arrives with his money. The judge needs to mull this all over, so David tells him to take his time.

Nessie meets with Roger and gives him the $500,000 that David just gave her. Roger is not pleased since he wanted a whole mil. But Nessie reminds him that Greenlee and Leo are not married yet and they have no access to her money. Roger heads over to the yacht to congratulate Leo and Greenlee on their engagement. He tells them that he would love to give Greenlee away. I bet he's said those words before. Greenlee is not thrilled with any of this so Leo wants to toss him off the yacht, but Greenlee tells him to let Roger stay and experience real love since he never loved her mother or her. Roger then compares Leo to himself, which really causes Greenlee to snort. Roger lets it slip that he knows Vanessa and how they go way back. Leo suddenly goes from angry to worried. Seems Leo had no idea that Nessie and Roger were old con artist chums. Once they are alone, Roger tells Leo that he can help himself to Greenlee's money, but not to forget his father in law or he'll spill everything to Greenlee. And just to make his point very clear, Roger whips out another copy of this mystery newspaper clipping.

David decides to get out of his bed and take a walk to the sunporch... with his guard of course. Funny, at the same time Leslie decided to do the same and takes a walk to the sunporch with her guard. Seems Leslie saw that Judge Pomeroy visited David in his room. She sees a lot from the psych ward. While we're on Leslie, have you ever noticed her impeccable manicures? I wonder if she gets them done between psychotic episodes. Leslie informs David that she is being transferred to Oak Haven and is kind of ticked about it. She tells David that they are so much alike, he could be her brother in crime. David definitely doesn't like hearing that he's got a lot in common with a loony tune like Leslie and wants to go back to his room where he is then haunted by the voices of Leslie and Nessie saying how much he is like them. Is this a conscience developing? Doubtful.

Jake giddily goes to tell David that his transfer to Stateville is being processed and he'll be leaving shortly. David doesn't believe him since his surgery on his hand was scheduled for that day. Jake tells him that Dr. Lambert is not operating after all but that a slice and dice surgeon at the prison will be operating instead. David isn't amused and Jake is so giddy I think he took some of Laura's X. Jake then confronts David with his findings about the missing vial of potassium and how elevated potassium can cause the same kind of heart problem that David had. David denies denies denies, as usual. This is where it gets very very confusing. Jake tells David he's taking him to the lab himself for a blood test so he can supervise it and see if his potassium levels are elevated. David tells him that he already had a test and that his potassium level was normal. Jake then says that Head Nurse Kristine Donato's potassium level was normal too. Jake accuses David of talking her into putting her own blood into the blood test so that his level would be normal. He then taunts David with deluding this woman into believing he was falsely accused. When did this happen? That whole thing, including Jake's bizarre behavior, confused the hell out of me. At any rate, Jake takes David to the lab for the test.

Tad and Liza meet at the Valley Inn and talk. Tad tells Liza that he's holding off on the divorce and would like some time off to get things back on track with Dixie. Liza, for some reason, says no way can he take the time. Weird, no one ever seems to work. I really don't understand why Tad even asked for time off anyway. He hasn't been to work in ages. But Liza feels that throwing yourself into work is a way to find yourself. Beg to differ Liza... that keeps you from finding yourself. But this is the same advice she gave Dixie, who is now PVHS's newest substitute teacher. Speaking of, I about fell off my sofa laughing when Principle St. Clare, after interviewing Dixie said that her vast experience, impressive resume and impeccable references made them lucky to have her as a substitute teacher at PVHS. Those two years at Pigeon Holler High must have really done wonders for her job experience huh? Liza goes on to tell Tad about her conversation with Dixie and how she told Dixie that part of her will always love Tad. Adam enters on cue, but doesn't seem to upset by this revelation by his wife and tells Tad that he tolerates him for Liza's sake. Enter Dixie, who is a little ticked at Adam for taking JR out of school and not consulting her. Adam tells her that she isn't spending enough time with him which pisses off Dixie something fierce and tells him he's not exactly Mr. Mom. Adam fires back with "At least I haven't trashed a marriage because I have the hots for a felon." Oh do I love when Dixie gets put in her place! Although it's kind of silly coming from Adam, Pine Valley's most notorious felon.

Later, unseen Opal arranges for Tad and Dixie to meet at the mall and hopes they will talk. They do. Why couldn't we see Opal calling both of them? That irks me.

For some reason, Leslie's guard takes her to the ER and sits her there. She sees a delivery man come in with huge canisters of anesthetic and goes to talk to him about what it is. He tells her how it's just like laughing gas, colorless and odorless, and if you get to much you can actually die laughing. Blah blah blah, no security, guard not watching Leslie. You know the drill. Leslie spots an older woman with an oxygen mask on and files that info away with the info on the gas. While making small talk with her guard, she charms him by saying he could be, get this... the next David Hasselhoff! Oh man, I'm hooting at that! Is that supposed to be a compliment? He thinks so because he's suddenly all smitten. Leslie tells him she's thirsty and could use a little drink of water. He tells her, now get this, to stay put and he'll get it for her! Oh I am about to pee my pants. David Hasselhoff wasn't briefed very well on what Leslie's capable of.

This weeks SCENE OF THE WEEK gets underway when David Hasselhoff goes off to get her water, Leslie goes over to the canisters and releases the gas and no one notices. She steals the old ladies oxygen mask and sits back to watch as chaos ensues. Everyone starts to pass out, remember who is all there... Alex, TempDim, LurkyBoy, and Joe; Bianca, Brooke and Laura, nurses, and let's not forget, David Hasselhoff. Leslie then finds the flare gun that Joe took away from LurkyBoy just sitting on the nurses desk and fires it into the ER where it hits a load of linen and catches fire. Leslie then runs out the door of the hospital and blocks it from the outside so no one can get out. Off she runs into the night, laughing the whole time. Oh Leslie, how I'll miss you. She's such a loony and so much fun. Thank goodness she only ran off, I hope that means she'll come back sometime to wreak more havoc on the citizens of Pine Valley. Leslie's hilarious swan song earns her this weeks PERFORMER OF THE WEEK AWARD.

Coming back from his blood test, David hears some ruckus in the ER and suddenly grabs the gun from his guard and makes him handcuff himself to a pipe. Why? I don't know. David races down to the ER and sees all kinds of people passed out. He immediately turns the canisters of gas off, which is a good thing... the gas, that fire, the whole place could have blown! David then goes and breaks the doors open to get fresh air into the ER, and puts the oxygen mask Leslie left behind on Brooke. One by one David starts to drag people out of the ER so they can get air. Oh this is getting so nauseating can someone please PASS ME THE HANDBAG? I really need it!! Especially when Tad and Dixie arrive just as David is pulling Joe out of the ER and they rush over to see what is wrong, and David collapses in Dixie's arms. Blech.

This weeks AMC gets a C... painfully average but loved Loony Leslie!