The Pine Valley Bulletin

Welcome to Pine Valley's only online newspaper!

Established 1998



April 25, 1999

Suddenly this past week, everyone is healthy. Erica's heart is completely healed. Raquel got out of her traction contraption in one day. Hayley's liver is now functioning and she can have children. Let's start with Erica. She and her shadow went to the hospital for her appointments with David and with Dr. Weiss. David gave her a clean bill of health and off she went to see the quack, Dr. Weiss. This guy is supposed to be so well respected in this field of plastic surgery, but all he does is grimace and tell Erica that she's not ready for surgery yet, after she was supposed to have had her surgery immediately. A distraught Erica is crying after Dr. Weiss leaves the room, and in comes David. He tells her that he has a friend who is a plastic surgeon in Rio, and she should get in touch with him. Took you long enough to remember you have this miracle worker friend David. Erica didn't care though, she just took off immediately for Rio.

The Shadow stays at Erica's house and most likely will be plotting her revenge on Erica... revenge that I still can't find a reason for. I really do think that it has something to do with Erica's father, Eric Kane. The big clue there was Vanessa mentioning to Erica about her MGM days, and how she was the one who told Debbie Reynolds that Eddie Fisher was cheating on her with Liz Taylor. That Vanessa, she loves to give the bad news

to someone doesn't she? At any rate, Eric Kane had been a Hollywood movie director, so it seems to be the logical connection. But why does she want to get back at Erica for something her father did when Erica barely even knew her father? And I cannot see Eric being David's father, making Erica and David half siblings. There are too many things wrong with this picture. For one thing, how many dang times can AMC use this plot!? Ugh, I'm sick of it!! Why would Vanessa want to destroy Erica because she had a child with Erica's father? Why would Vanessa take the heat all these years from David for being the cause of his father's suicide, if Mr. Hayward isn't even his father? Wouldn't she just tell him..."David darling, get over Mr. Hayward's death already... sure I caused it, but he's not your father anyway." It'll be interesting to see just where this goes. One thing is obvious... Vanessa wants Enchantment for herself!

Raquel is on the mend mighty quickly. In fact, she's downright giddy. It's pretty odd. She's happy she was hurt. How is it that she's not pissed at her big strong husband for not lifting a finger to actually help her before the scaffolding fell? Instead he stood there and watched the whole thing. Why be pissed when she can lie back in her hospital bed and fantasize about her jerk husband. This poor girl must have gotten slammed in the head a little harder than we had thought. How else do you explain actually wanting Mateo all to herself?

And then we have Hayley. What a busy few days she has had. First she and Ryan are at the bar and she had her weekly meal, a bite of Ryan's sandwich. Isn't it funny how suddenly they keep showing her with food? First it was some big old pastry that Mateo fed her, then she and Mateo had breakfast at the bar, now she had a nibble of a sandwich. She gets a brilliant idea to hire Ryan as a promo guy for the bar, then off she goes to the hospital. She has to see Jake for her liver function blood test but never bothered to shower or change clothes, and ta da!! She not only gets her results immediately, but she's cured! All the toxins that Lee Hawkins tattooed into her body have vanished. She and Mateo are now free to have children of their own. Panic immediately set in for me as I started to picture Mateo and Hayley in a constant clinch. She's ecstatic about the news and races to Raquel's room to see Mateo. She walked in as he was brushing her hair, but she had just missed him feeding her a root beer float. Silly me, I was not aware that Raquel's hands suddenly didn't work.

Raquel notices Hayley's obvious joy and asks her why she's so happy. She covers it by saying she's happy that Raquel is feeling better. For some reason, Raquel goes off on a tangent about how you don't know real love until you have a child of your own. Raquel is just being snippy because she still thinks Hayley is unable to have children. Hayley just grins through Raquel's whole stupid and unnecessary dialogue and finally asks Mateo if she can talk to him outside. She tells him the news that she can have kids and the two go whacko in the hospital corridor. Mateo starts screaming about Hayley having a baby, when she's not even pregnant yet. Hayley jumps on Mateo and I'm almost expecting him to slam her into the wall and do her right there outside of Raquel's room!

They make plans to start trying to make a baby right away, and that familiar panic I get sometimes crept back. I took some Pepto-Bismol and was OK for a few minutes. Then when we see Hayley in a robe, lighting about a million candles throughout their suddenly completely furnished house, I realize I need something stronger than Pepto. It got even worse after Mateo came home. The only thing that can save me now is for someone to interrupt. Thank God for Isabella! She brought Damian to see Mateo because the brat wants to see his Mommy. I'm so sick of that whining kid that this week I'm changing the name of SLAP award to the I NEED TO BE SPANKED award and giving it to Damian.

Off Mateo goes to indulge his kid and show him that his Mommy is OK. So while Mateo and Raquel talk about telling Damian about their divorce... which by the way, it's apparent that Raquel is having second thoughts about, Ryan shows up at Hayley and Mateo's to talk about the club. Ryan took no note at all that Hayley was in a robe and that there were a million candles set up. They come up with a name for the club, Sounds of Salsa (or S.O.S.) and that they should open on Cinco De Mayo, which is about a week away. No problem... the club will be ready in time.

When Mateo gets back, he had lit the candles and brought Hayley a bunch of flowers. They begin their nauseating attempt at making love again, and even though their condo is now completely furnished and Hayley even mentioned something about unpacking the satin sheets for the bed, she goes and pulls out that grody love rug! These two are getting my special award this week, THE MOST VOMIT INDUCING SCENE OF THE WEEK. Their lovemaking lasted all week and when they finally did get the deed done, we get to look at them from outside the condo, proving that they have no curtains and don't find it necessary to close the blinds. My fast forward button sure got a work out this week.

Adam is getting so nervous that David is going to spill the beans that he decided that he and Liza have to be married immediately and surprises her by arranging for them to be married that day in her loft. Liza is taken aback by it, and even more so when Barry shows up at the door with a Minister. But Liza isn't convinced. Shewants to let Marian and Stuart plan their wedding. A crazed Adam gives the Minister some French toast and

sends Liza to her room to call Stuart and Marian over so he can talk to Barry. Barry has not had any luck digging up dirt on David, and he even talked to Allie! I can't figure out why she didn't dish the dirt on David. Stuart and Marian show up and Adam tries to convince them all that he and Liza should get married,but no one is buying it. Suddenly, cool as a cucumber David shows up. Liza is starting to get annoyed by his constant

interruptions, so Adam shows him the door. Oh David, this guy has got to be one of the best reasons to watch AMC these days. And since there were no other real outstanding performances this week, I'm going to give him the PERFORMER OF THE WEEK award. Out in the hall, Adam is becoming unglued and David is laughing his butt off at him. I love it! Seeing Adam tortured is so much fun. But then Stuart comes out and he's no dummy. He knows that something is going on and that David has something on Adam. Adam denies it, of course. Back inside, Liza tells Adam no dice...she's not marrying him that day.

Suddenly Jake shows up to make a house call and make sure Liza is OK. Jake gets the BE ALL THAT YOU CAN BE award this week. Let's see... what has he done in this week alone? He's taken care of Raquel. Gave Hayley her blood test and got her those immediate results because most likely he also ran the test in the lab. Trained Gillian as a volunteer. Made a house call on Liza. Saved Gillian from pouring acid on her hand while she was fantasizing about playing doctor with Ryan. And after checking out Liza and determining that she was fine to go to work, he confronted Adam. Adam was nervous, defensive and hot under the collar, proving to Jake that Adam is definitely up to something.

Adam then has to move to plan B, and that is to retrieve all of David's proof that he is Colby's biological father. So, while Adam tries to keep Liza a prisoner in her own home, Barry heads off to meet with Adrian. Barry wants to hire Adrian to steal the file on David from David's lawyer's office. Adrian turns him down at first, but then Tad steps in. He had faked a phone call to Barry so that he could find out what Adrian was doing with him. After Tad and Adrian bicker endlessly about helping family, Barry comes back and Adrian agrees to do the job. Barry is confused that there was no one on the phone, but still, it took him about 15 minutes to come back from the non call.

David goes to see his lawyer, Leslie Coulson, who I'm guessing has been watching way too much Ally McBeal. It's obvious from the get go that these two are old friends, but that in this small town, David never knew his old friend had a practice in Pine Valley. He gives her the proof, without really saying what it is, to put in his file and then makes some smootchies with her. She seems to be smitten with Dr. Devious.

At the Boathouse, Adrian and Barry meet to discuss the plan. This big secret plan that is to be kept hush hush and under wraps. So they meet at Grand Central Station... odd choice. Suddenly Barry tells Adrian that he wants the lawyer's office torched and burnt to the ground, but Adrian isn't going for that. He talks Barry out of it, and Barry settles for him stealing the file on David. Tad was there listening, and once Barry leaves they head over to Tad's to make a plan, bickering the whole way. Opal is there making her famous fried chicken and is overjoyed to see Adrian and Tad together.

Adam meets with Barry at the Valley Inn and Barry tells him he hired Adrian Sword to do the job. Adam is a little bothered by this because the name sounds familiar to him. But once Barry leaves, Vanessa shows up and Adam sucks up to her, trying to get some dirt on David. Vanessa sees through him and tells that if he wants some dirt on her son, to just ask! Suddenly he notices Opal and Marian talking and Opal is loudly discussing her two sons, Adrian and Tad. Adam goes over to say hello and asks Opal who Adrian is. Opal, who is so darn giddy about Tad and Adrian hanging out together that she completely forgets about Petey and declares to Adam, "I thought I had one son, but I have two." Uh, Opal... 1 + 1 + 1 = 3. I know he's at Space Camp now, but he's not in space! Anyway, Adam realizes that Barry hired Tad's half brother and goes nuts.

When Gillian returns home after her day of volunteering, she finds Ryan in her room. Unfortunately, he's only there to get his stuff. Gillian's hopes are dashed, but then she talks him into staying at Myrtle's in a different room. With Myrtle's help, Ryan finally agrees to stay and moves across the hall. Later, Gillian has a nightmare and is screaming in her sleep for Ryan. And, in the MOST DROOL INDUCING SCENE OF THE WEEK, Ryan comes running into her room, sans shirt, and comforts her. It's such a sweet scene, and when they kiss, I'm on the edge of my seat rooting for them again!

Brooke goes to see Jack and tries to talk him out of resigning. It's too late, Jack already has and is trying to think of a new path to take. Brooke is shocked and asks him if he will go back into his private law practice. Jack gives us this weeks LINE OF THE WEEK when he tells Brooke, "To quote Shakespeare, 'the law is an ass.' And frankly Brooke, I think I'm an ass." So do I Jack, so do I. So Jack is thinking of pursuing stand up comedy, which is pretty funny because Jack has never made me laugh. But he may just end up giving that a try anyway.

Brooke is feeling like changes need to be made in both their lives and she leaves for a bit, only to return to Jack's office on a motorcycle that she drove through the government building. She has suddenly taken on a new persona. She's Bondage Brooke! She's clad in leather and wearing a dog collar... she's Bondage Brooke! Bondage Brooke challenges Jack to find some excitement in life again, and off they go, on her motorcycle and back through the government building! What adventure awaits them I wonder. Maybe they will ride the motorcycle through Tempo's office and hand in a story 10 minutes after deadline! Wow, they are wild!