The Pine Valley Bulletin

Welcome to Pine Valley's only online newspaper!

Established 1998


April 24, 2000

Strap on the barf bag, Alex and Edmund did the nasty. These two have about as much passion as wallpaper paste. And Ed, you romantic. His idea of afterglow is giving Alex a spelling test? You know, there really is nothing more to say about this other than ICK!

Let's go to Dixie and Gillian having dinner at the Valley Inn, while only a couple tables away Liza and Ryan are having dinner. While Gilly looks at Ryan with that strange kind of unfeeling look she tries to convey, Dixie is getting her panties in bunch at the site of Liza. At one table we have Gilly telling Dixie that Bobby Fischer hid out at Vodsal and taught her how to play chess (uh huh...sure thing Gilly), and at the other table we have Ryan quitting his job at WRCW and Liza trying to talk him out of it. And while Dixie tells Gillian that Liza, yes you heard me correctly, Liza is the reason that Junior is so messed up, Ryan is telling Liza about his new venture, Liza starts to tell Ryan about how she and Tad had Adam committed when Commando Dixie bursts into the conversation and tells Liza to leave her son alone and to stop messing with her marriage. Liza is understandably confused by the ravings of this moron and asks her what she is talking about. Dixie then regales us with tales of Liza dragging Tad into her plot and how Tad isn't at all resentful towards Adam. Uh huh. Sure Dixie. That's why last week and the week before that you kept trying to get Tad to explain to you why he is so hateful and vengeful towards Adam. What's changed? How is it that suddenly it's all Liza's fault, every problem you have, is her fault. I suppose it was Liza who tried to talk Adam into sending Junior to boarding school without your consent too huh? And well it must be Liza's fault that Junior is afraid of Adam. Wake up and seize the slap!! This weeks I NEED TO BE SLAPPED award goes to Miss Perfect Cooney.

Thank goodness for Dr. David. He spots this confrontation from across the room, and since Ryan and Gillian are just staring at Liza and Dixie with those dufus expressions on their face, David breaks it up and drags Dixie away and to his room. David tries to calm Dixie down and get her heart rate back to normal. As they talk, David gets Dixie to realize that she's a caring and loving person and blah blah blah, he's honored to know her? What is up with that? She looks like... "oh, a man is paying me a compliment and it's not Tad, whatever will I do?" She stutters and stammers and I think she may even want to jump on Dr. David. Hmmm that would be a very interesting twist, but then again, Dixie has had affairs before and seems to have forgotten them, so she'd probably just forget that one too or she'd justify it somehow. Dixie goes into David's bathroom to splash some cold water on her face and get her hormones in check, and while she's in there Erica shows up. Dixie presses her ear up to the door so she can hear everything they say. Erica has come by to tell David that she does not need him to escort her to the benefit she is co-hosting with Hayley that evening. David is shocked since he already made the plans to take her, but she is going with the Italian Stallion so David's services won't be necessary. David is ticked, but tells Erica that they need to stop playing games and trust their feelings for one another. It looks like Erica wants to give in, but a knock on the door brings her back to her senses. It's Paolo, he's looking for her. Well, Erica is not happy with Paolo taking the initiative and angrily leaves with him. Out in the hallway, Erica is pissed and tells him that she did not ask him to show up at David's and he is to do only the things she says. Paolo doesn't like being a puppet for hire, even if the money is good. And just in time to see Erica handing Paolo another check, Dixie spots them as she leaves David's room.

Back in the dining room, Ryan and Gillian, having suddenly lost both their respective dinner companions so they sit down with each other. There isn't much conversation happening, since Gilly is doing the cold stare routine. And wouldn't you know it, Tramplee just happens to be at the Valley Inn too, spots the object of her affection talking to his object of affection and turns a million different shades of green. She marches herself right over to their table and announces to Ryan that she has tickets for them for Erica's fundraiser. Gillian takes this as her cue to leave, and Ryan watches as she disappears out of the dining room, while Tramplee yammers on and on and no one listens.

Over at Oakhaven, we are treated to another amazing SCENE OF THE WEEK as Adam tries to get Stuart to understand why he had set up Marian. Adam tells Stuart that Marian was trying to turn Stuart against him, but Stuart is not buying it. Adam begs Stuart to tell him that he doesn't hate him. Stuart explains to Adam that his plot to destroy his marriage had nothing to do with love. He tells him that he wants all Stuart's love for himself and that he has hurt him. Adam tells Stuart that all he ever wanted to was to protect him from being hurt, but Stuart explains the only one in the world who could have hurt him was Adam. Adam again begs for forgiveness begs Stuart to say he doesn't hate him. Stuart tells Adam that he could never hate his own brother, and Adam gets a glimmer of hope. But as the tears run down Stuart's face he tells Adam that he does hate him and they can no longer be brothers. Adam is shocked and devastated as Stuart tells him he never wants to see him again. Adam gets on his knees and pleads with Stuart to forgive him, but Stuart just turns and leaves, leaving Adam a shattered wreck. And this my friends will be David Canary's Emmy winning performance.

Stuart leaves Oakhaven on foot and thinks back to when they were children. He thinks about how Adam always protected him and took care of any bullies who tried to pick on him. Suddenly Stuart starts to feel guilty and for some reason, blames himself for Adam being how he is. Well, wait a minute, as I'm writing this it seems to make a little more sense. Stuart is feeling responsible for Adam's behavior because he always needed protecting. So Adam doesn't really know anything else and if he thought Marian was bad for Stuart, then he was trying to protect him. It's a stretch, but I guess I can see Stuart feeling that way. So Stuart decides to go back into Oakhaven and talk to Adam again, but fate intervenes and Stuart is mowed down by a drunken Arlene. Stuart goes flying over the guard rail and lands on the beach below. Arlene gets out of the car to see what she hit, and doesn't immediately realize it was a person until she sees Stuart's shoe on the ground. Once she realizes it, she freaks out because she can't find the person and gets back behind the wheel to try and get some help.

Over at the community center, Adrian had just asked Tina to be his escort at the fundraiser when Brooke arrived with some books. They all get up to date on what has been happening since Brooke was in China and Tina mentions that Grace hired a new counselor, Rev. Freeman, for the center. Heads up folks, this is going to be Brooke's new love interest. Just then there is a huge crash as Arlene crashes into the community center! Adrian goes outside to see what has happened and comes back in with a very inebriated Arlene. As she tries to tell them that she hit someone, Brooke freaks out and won't let her speak. At first I'm thinking that Brooke needs to take a pill and shut the heck up already, but then I realized she was freaking because her own daughter Laura was killed by drunk driver so it was really understandable. Unfortunately Arlene passed out before saying anything more than "I did it again." Adrian takes her over to the homeless shelter to sleep it off.

The next morning, Hayley, Brooke and Janet are all at the center to talk to Arlene. What I don't get is, after saying a zillion times and even saying it that day, that she's through with Arlene, why is Hayley there? As they wait for Arlene to wake up, Brooke is flooded with memories of her daughter, and of being pregnant with Jamie and going into premature labor when the car she was in was hit by a drunk driver (nice use of history AMC!). Having heard Janet on the phone that morning talking about Arlene being at the shelter, Amanda shows up there after leaving school and walking. Amanda insists that Janet bring Arlene home and to get her out of there, Adrian volunteers to take Amanda back to school. Hayley tells Janet that there is no way she can let Arlene near Amanda any longer. Janet doesn't know what to do, since Arlene is the only person Amanda will open up to. Suddenly Brooke puts together that with Stuart missing, and Arlene saying "I did it again" maybe Arlene mowed down Stuart. Interesting conclusion to come to with absolutely no evidence, but I'm glad someone thought it. Of course, Arlene wakes up and has no recollection of what happened. Hayley is snotty and leaves. Janet tells Arlene that she cannot stay with her anymore. Having nowhere to go, Brooke decides to take Arlene in and tells her she isn't leaving until she can tell Brooke exactly what happened the night before.

Liza goes to see Adam at Oakhaven and is stunned when she sees how devastated he is. He tells her that something has happened to Stuart, he can feel it. He pleads with Liza to get him out of Oakhaven so he can go find Stuart. Liza thinks it's just another one of Adam's tricks, and that he'd say anything to get his own way. But Liza does start to wonder when Adam tells her that Stuart knew that he was behind Marian's set up and that it was Tad who told him. Still, she tells him she's knows his tricks and won't fall for it again.

In the meantime, Tad is already starting to feel guilty about what he and Liza did (notice, it was a dual effort, Tad and Liza!) and it only gets worse when Marian shows up and tells him that she cannot find Stuart and is really starting to worry. Tad makes things worse by telling Marian that he spilled Adam's involvement to Stuart. Marian tells Tad that she will never forgive him if something has happened to Stuart. Adding more fuel to the guilt is Junior. He comes to Tad and asks him why they took his father away and if Adam is really crazy. He tells Tad a how the kids are making fun of him and saying his dad is in the loony bin. Marian watches at Tad tries to explain to Junior what happened to Adam. Junior desperately wants to see his father, and crying, asks Tad to help Adam. He tells Tad that his father needs him, and he wants to be there for him. What an amazing kid, and this weeks PERFORMER OF THE WEEK.

Then, to pile on more guilt, Liza arrives and is very pissed off. She tells Tad that Stuart went to see Adam at Oakhaven and confronted him. Marian has a brief burst of hope at hearing that Stuart was seen, but is quickly shattered when they realize that no one has seen him since. Liza tells Tad that it will be on his head is something happens to Stuart, and you know... I have to agree with her somewhat. They made a pact not to tell Stuart about it, and Tad broke it. Not only did he tell him, but he also happen to have the confession tape queued up and ready to play. Then again, Stuart may have gone to Oakhaven to see Adam anyway, after finding out he was there. I guess it's hard to say, but the fault does lean more towards Tad on this one. Dixie sure doesn't think so though. When Tad tells her how awful he feels about Stuart, she tells him it's Adam's fault. And, well... I guess it is, since he plotted in the first place, but some responsibility does lie with Tad. No amount of rationalization can change that.

Over at Oakhaven, Adam is struggling and fighting with orderlies because he wants out. So Dr. Benton has him sedated and restrained. While going out into la la land, Adam has a vision of Stuart as a child, coming to him for help. Liza goes back to see Adam again the next morning and is not at all happy to find that he's been sedated when she didn't authorize such treatment. Liza tries to question Adam about Stuart's visit but can't get any straight answers out of him. She decides to get him out of Oakhaven, but Dr. Benton says there is no way they are going to release him and have found him to have violent outburstsand paranoia. So, since she can't get Adam out immediately, she asks for some more time alone with him and they give it to her. Yeah right, everyone gets time alone with the patient. That would happen. Anyway, the blame game continues as Adam blames Tad for Stuart's disappearance and blames Liza for having him committed.

Now, over in the ditch or on the beach or wherever it is that Stuart has been laying unconscious for the last three days, a bum comes by and steals his watch, his wedding ring, his coat and his wallet. And then, Esther appears out of nowhere to tell the unconscious man that someone stole his wallet. Ahh Esther, what a site for sore eyes she is! I loved her character the first time around. Anyway, she notices that a) it's Stuart Chandler and 2) he's unconscious. So instead of calling 911, Esther goes back to her trailer and gets a first aid kit. As she places cold compresses on his head, Stuart opens his eyes and I know you're not going to believe this one, he has amnesia. Wow, what a shock. He doesn't know Esther, he doesn't know who he is and he doesn't know what happened to him. So, typically Esther, she takes him back to her trailer so she can tend to his wounds. Yes, this is typically Esther. Remember when Erica delivered Maria's baby and then raced off to take her to the hospital? Erica crashed into Willow Lake and was saved by uh, shoot... can't remember. But Maddie was saved by Esther, who dove into the lake, got the baby and took her to her trailer where she was going to raise her herself. It was Erica who found Esther and the baby and convinced her the baby was hers. She then hired Esther as a nanny and yadda yadda yadda, eventually the character was just phased out with no explanation.

Meaningless Drivel of the Week - Leo is pissed because Becca told Scott that Leo has problems and she's helping him. Well duh Leo, what do you want her to tell Scott?? She has to tell him something!

Back to the Valley Inn, Erica is at Paolo's and is being a big bully. She tells him how to dress, how to act, to not leave his side for a minute while they are at the fundraiser and basically acts like a major bitch. Paolo is getting annoyed by the whole arrangement and tells her to find someone else, but she reminds him that she's got a tape of him trying to swindle her. When she goes to leave his room, she sees Nessie in the hallway and plants a big old kiss on Paolo for Nessie's benefit. After she comes up for air, she pretends to be shocked when she sees Nessie and tells her to go and tell David, she doesn't care and leaves.

Nessie goes into Paolo's room and demands to know what he is doing with Erica and before he can say a word, SLAP! She gives him a big old slap in the face. Paolo tries to explain his arrangement with Erica to Nessie as she has an asthma attack. She is so worked up into a frenzy that Paolo takes this opportunity to seduce her. And as they are going at it in bed, Leo walks into Paolo's room and sees them. Of course, this is where my local gung ho ABC weather team decided to break in and tell us that there might be some rain that afternoon, so I didn't know for sure, at the time, that Leo did see Nessie. Once he started to get hammered though, I knew. And then when he saw Tramplee and called her a, well, a tramp and a whore, I knew even more. He gets on Tramplee's case for buying Ryan and, although he doesn't realize it and neither does she, he's comparing Tramplee to his own mother.

After Nessie leaves Paolo's room... they were too engrossed with each other to notice Leo had been there, or maybe they were just too gross to notice. Either way, Nessie goes to the dining room and spots Erica. Ahh that Nessie, she can never pass up an opportunity to throw some jabs at Erica can she? She tells Erica that there are rumors around that she has a lover for hire, and that Paolo is notorious for his indiscretion. Erica rushes out and heads to Paolo's, who is on the phone pleading for more time with Rick the drug dealer. Erica pounds on the door then tells Paolo that he's fired for being so indiscreet. Paolo does not take this lightly and after he leaves, he follows her down to the dining room. After Erica is served a drink of sparkling cider, and leaves it on a table to go take care of some last minute details, Paolo goes over and drugs it. No one sees this.

I think a drunken Leo confesses to Becca about the bet he has with Greenlee. Did he? We had another weather report right there and all I heard was Becca asking him why he told her and if everything they had done together was part of it, and did he fake needing a tutor. He said he wanted her to know, and that the tutoring was not a fake. Hmm... there goes my theory of Tramplee spilling the bet story to Becca. Oh well, I'm glad he told her. The guy is really evolving. What a pleasant surprise Josh Duhamel has been!

Anywho, Leo is drunk and wondering around the Valley Inn when he spots PC. He goes and hits him up for money, which Palmer flatly refuses. But while they're talking Leo tells him that Nessie is not the wife or mother either of them think she is. He pretty much tells PC that she's having an affair, but not in so many words. PC needs to read between the lines.

The fundraiser is in full swing and Erica and Hayley are introduced to make some opening comments. Having been drugged, Erica is acting like a drunk and as she goes up to the podium, she takes a fall, fueling rumors that she's on drugs again. Donald Steele snaps some pictures of Erica and gets some info from Nessie who tells him that Erica has fallen off the wagon.

Tramplee thought she was being really hot and sexy for Ryan, but when Gilly walked in, he couldn't take his eyes off her. What does that tell you Tramplee?

After Opal brings Erica out to the lobby, she goes off to get her a cup of coffee. Erica is really out of it, so Paolo goes over to her, and takes the tape out of her purse. Erica tries to fight him, but she's too drugged. Once Erica regains some of her composure, she races up to Paolo's room to confront him. Paolo is sitting there with his cocaine in full view and not caring anymore. He tries to turn the tables on Erica and threatens to counter blackmail her with selling a story to the tabloids about how she hired him. Erica is really angry and as Opal arrives and listens at the door, she hears Erica threaten to kill Paolo. Opal races back downstairs to find David so he can go and break up the argument. She finds him and David heads up to Paolo's room.

After Erica leaves, Nessie arrives and all needy and wanting reassurance that he only loves her, not Erica. Paolo laughs in her face and she asks him again if he loves her. Paolo responds with this weeks LINE OF THE WEEK "I made love to you, yes. With my eyes closed because frankly it was the only way I could stomach it." Nessie is shocked and rather devastated by this revelation and Paolo continues by telling her that he never loved her and is going to tell Palmer about their affair unless she can get him the money he needs immediately. Nessie starts to panic and when Paolo goes into the bathroom, she grabs his own vial of drugs and dumps the whole thing into his glass of champagne. They have a final toast and he drinks the whole thing down. Nessie gives Paolo her necklace to hold him off from telling PC about their affair and then leaves. She runs back to the fundraiser to find Derek and tells him that Paolo robbed her. PC gets in on the discussion and the three of them head up to Paolo's room. What they find there is a dead Paolo, on the floor with blood coming out of his head and Leo standing over the body.

OK... let's recap who had been in Paolo's room: Erica and Opal heard her threaten him, so that doesn't look too good; Vanessa, she drugged him, a lot; David, he went up there but we didn't see anything other than him walking into the room; and Leo, he was found with the metaphorical smoking gun in his hand. Supposedly, Palmer was in there too, but we never saw that. Now... to me it looks like Vanessa killed him when she drugged him. I think he od'd and then he fell and hit his head on the bedpost, thus causing the blood. But as I said before, they also threw in the drug dealer who was hounding him for money and it could very easily have been him too. The drug dealer probably would have stolen the necklace that Nessie gave Paolo to hold him off. I guess we don't know yet if that is still in the room.

This weeks AMC gets a B- the blame game gets way old, way quick. Maybe instead of throwing blame at everyone else for Stuart's disappearance, they can all work together and find him.